https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 10 Apr 2026 21:37:56 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-167771 Thu, 24 May 2012 13:48:58 +0000 sorrycharlie 167771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Shimmer: if you use your existing therapist, you could ask the therapist if he'd be okay with doing a family session. then you could just ask your mom to accompany you - as opposed to instigating 'new' therapy with the sole intention of mediating between everyone.</p> <p>if you trust her therapist, you could call and ask her if she'd do a family session. sometimes if you aren't already familiar with the therapist, they might be more inclined to "favor" their pre-existing client, if that makes sense - but if you think he'd be partial to being neutral during session, you could try! </p> <p>would your mom think that you're teaming up with the therapist 'against' her, though? I don't know your mom (obviously, lol) but some clients get SO defensive in family counseling situations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166730 Wed, 23 May 2012 19:09:27 +0000 Shimmer 166730@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jumpingjacks: @Sophia: @artbee: @BabyLove: Thank you for the support. It's nice to know that I'm not in the wrong, especially since I feel like a b*tch a lot of the time!</p> <p>@sorrycharlie: Thanks for the tips! Yeah, I anticipate that it will get much much worse before it gets better. The last time I confronted my mom, she didn't talk to me for a month. (Honestly, the month of silence wasn't that bad - how crazy does that sound? lol). Would you recommend seeing a brand new therapist or the one that I already see? He is a psychologist, not specifically for marriage and family though. Also, would it be advisable to try to do this with her therapist so she feels she has an ally in a hostile situation? I know her therapist (she's been seeing her for 20 years) so I could get in touch with her if necessary. Thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166538 Wed, 23 May 2012 15:10:12 +0000 BabyLove 166538@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry luv. This sounds like such a tough situation. I don't think you sound like a terrible person at all. In fact, you sound like quite the opposite. You're conflicted because you care. But ultimately your concern is now yourself and your sons. It doesn't sound like there is much else you can do to avoid any further stress, just continue to do what you know is right for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166525 Wed, 23 May 2012 14:58:05 +0000 heffalump 166525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Awww so sorry you have to go through all of that! I hate when people manage to make what is supposed to be a happy, amazing time in your life stressful for you instead. Hope when your boys come everyone realizes they are number one priority. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166513 Wed, 23 May 2012 14:53:04 +0000 sorrycharlie 166513@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@shimmer - as far as how to bring up family counseling, you could tell her that you're seeing a counselor/therapist and would like her to come along (if you were comfortable with that). some families just flat out tell family members that they'd like them to join in, others kind of finagle them there by other means (fudging). family therapy is usually super beneficial, like mr. bee said, but just be prepared that it can get worse before it gets better. usually during family sessions things come out/are said that cause people to leave upset, but over the grand scheme of the sessions, there's usually progress. personally, I have the family members (or couple) do some type of thing before they leave to ease the tension - for instance, name something they appreciate about each other, love about each other, or do something really silly to break the ice.</p> <p>and by the way - you are NOT a bad person! :)</p> <p>ETA - it can also take time to find the right therapist for you, which can be a pain. try <a href="http://www.therapistlocator.net" rel="nofollow">http://www.therapistlocator.net</a> - of course, I'm slightly biased, but if you are going to go the route of a counselor/therapist I'd go for a licensed MFT (marriage &amp; family therapist). they are trained differently from psychologists or social workers in that they look at situations systemically. I can talk to you more on FB if you're curious! (I have my master's in MFT). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166499 Wed, 23 May 2012 14:48:14 +0000 Sophia 166499@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How stressful. I'm so sorry that you're having to worry about all of this right now! You are not an awful person at all. You're in a tough situation and you're doing what you can to protect yourself and your twins. Remind yourself of that. I'm sorry that I don't have much advice right now - a lot of your story really struck a cord with me. I wish families weren't so much drama sometimes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166393 Wed, 23 May 2012 13:55:43 +0000 Jumpingjacks 166393@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You do not sound like an awful person at all! This sounds extremely stressful. You are right that you're parent's marriage and how/why it ended is not your problem and it is not your mother's place to try and make it so. Good for you for expressing this to her. Keep up with the counseling. It will get better eventually. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166374 Wed, 23 May 2012 13:35:50 +0000 Shimmer 166374@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Blue: Thank you for the support. My mom is okay with my MIL, but doesn't really make an effort to be social with her or get to know her, so things can be a bit awkward. My mom knows that she's disabled, but doesn't quite process that her inability to care for herself is going to hinder her ability to care for newborns, infants, toddlers, etc. I'll think about how I can have them work together. It's tough only because MIL lives 15 minutes away and Mom lives a hour away. I'll have to try it though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166371 Wed, 23 May 2012 13:32:28 +0000 Shimmer 166371@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilteacherbee: Thank you! My mom is the same way with things having to be HER way, and now that I have my own little family, she can't deal with MY rules!</p> <p>@mrs. wagon: DH and I have made sure to present a united front about these things, but my Mom tends not to bring stuff up in front of other people so it's just her word against mine. DH didn't believe how bad she was in the beginning, but I had him listen in on an argument once and he's a believer now. I already feel the Mama Bear instinct kicking in, so I can't imagine what it'll be like when the boys are actually here!</p> <p>@Leialou: Thanks :)</p> <p>@mrbee: I didn't think of that... but I'm not sure how to bring it up. How did you approach it with the people you had the issues with? (My mom doesn't think anything's wrong.) </p> <p>@jessiejo17: Thanks for the hugs :). My dad has been much more level headed the entire time, but he's getting angry too because my Mom has been upsetting me so much. My brother stays detached and then says that I'm creating too much drama by not giving in to her. His wife knows my frustrations with my mom, though, so I'm hoping I can talk to her about it too. </p> <p>@mrstilly: Oh man, I totally feel for you. Does your mom say bad things to you about your dad? Or vice versa? I end up having an issue because my Mom has been badmouthing my dad since he left and I get really defensive about it. I'm lucky my in-laws are pretty awesome and both healthy, but I know my Mom is going to throw a fit when I ask them for help but not her. My mom also can't get around well (and just fell 2 weeks ago and smashed her face on the concrete - and then insists that she'll be fine taking care of my sons!!) I've been trying to be firm with her but she plays the guilt card and says that I'm restricting her access to being a Grandma even before the boys are here. Oye. Thanks for the insight though! As much as it sucks to know that someone else is experiencing this, it helps to know that I'm not alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166370 Wed, 23 May 2012 13:29:58 +0000 Mrs. Blue 166370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no advice, but wanted to lend my support. That sounds very stressful, and I don't think you sound like an "awful person." It's so unfortunate that your mom has these struggles and hurts, but I think it's okay to embrace and be thankful for the other people in your life who have supported you for the last 20 some odd years! Plus, you have to do what's best for your babies!</p> <p>How is your mom with your MIL? Maybe she can be around when MIL is also there so she feels included but isn't as physically or mentally responsible for the babies.</p> <p>Again, so sorry you're having to deal with all of this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166348 Wed, 23 May 2012 13:13:48 +0000 mrstilly 166348@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I *really* feel for you! It sounds awful stressful and complicated and this is a time when things should be easier. </p> <p>I have a kind of similar situation, but thankfully my people keep it more in check. My mom cheated on my dad and they divorced. Mom lives with the guy she cheated with, but he doesn't like me and our contact is seriously limited. My mom and he are both alcoholics, so we don't visit often, nor do they visit us often. Though for my mom, she is very sensitive to the time she spends with my sister and niece when they visit from out of town. There is a lot of jealously from my mom toward my step mom about my sister and niece. Thankfully I'm out of that most of the time. </p> <p>My in laws are great, but my FIL can't get around very well. He has had health issues due to his job, including two hip replacements. I was really upset with DH when he left DS with FIL. It was only for half an hour or so, but I was so upset because FIL couldn't pick up DS if he fell and he can't carry DS while he's walking. I was really protective of DS, so I used that as my reason for not letting anyone watch him. </p> <p>You and your SO need to figure out what you are comfortable with. Then you need to be firm with your mother if she is pushy. And I'd let her know how important it is to you that she is a very active part of her grandchildrens' lives, but that she needs to not talk negatively about other family members or she won't be able to be around them. It's hard, but it is best to figure out what is and isn't okay, then stick to it. These are your kids, not hers, and it is up to you to decide how to raise them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166341 Wed, 23 May 2012 13:09:40 +0000 LuLu Mom 166341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First off *HUGS* for having to have this added stress on top of carrying twins, I can't imagine having that extra stress. Second I think it is a very delicate situation and wonder if your dad being more level headed can help you wrap your head around it? Is there someone you can confide in that can help you sort through it or be a buffer? Sibling or such? You hae to do what is best for your family (you, DH, boys) for this time forward, and your mom will eventually learn to deal with it. I'm so sorry! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166251 Wed, 23 May 2012 12:09:30 +0000 mrbee 166251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could you guys maybe try family/couples counselling together?</p> <p>I've been able to work out difficult issues with people I work with in that format... it can be very very helpful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166244 Wed, 23 May 2012 12:03:01 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 166244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That sounds really stressful and I'm sorry you have to go through it :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166241 Wed, 23 May 2012 12:01:19 +0000 mrs. wagon 166241@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>that is a really tough and complicated situation :( so sorry you are going through this. *hugs* the only thing I can really say is that you and your SO have to establish what your wants and needs are as a family, and firmly make these things known among ALL the grandparents and relatives. So if you decide that you don't want the twins going to your mother's house, then that's just something you have decided as a family and will not do, no matter what, no negotiations and no questioning. It will be difficult for your mom (and maybe your dad and your stepmom) to accept that you are an adult making decisions for the best for your family, but eventually they have to recognize that you are the one making your decisions and you're going to stick by them no matter what.</p> <p>In the end, all that matters is you and your SO and your babies. Everyone else is EXTRA. If anyone encroaches on the safety and well being of the four of you, they just can't be there. Once your babies are born you will really feel the momma instinct kick in and you won't hesitate to protect them even if it hurts your own mother or father. There will be many instances where they get hurt but in the end, they have to accept the fact that you're just doing what's best for your babies, and that's what a good mother does.</p> <p>Good luck :T </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166233 Wed, 23 May 2012 11:57:39 +0000 lilteacherbee 166233@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. I'm so sorry :( its not fair for you to be so stressed out when its supposed to be such a happy time (congrats on your twins, btw!). I don't have much advice because I've never been in this specific situation, but my mom and I have issues because everything has to be HER way and she gets upset over very tiny things. I can sympathize with you on the mom front. </p> <p>I really hope your mom can put some of these issues aside when the babies come. My thoughts and prayers are with you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandma-issues-and-the-twins-arent-even-here-yet-vent-but-long#post-166209 Wed, 23 May 2012 11:41:18 +0000 Shimmer 166209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok, here's the quick background story so you can understand what's happening.</p> <p>I am 25. My parents got divorced when I was 3. My dad immediately started dating L, and they eventually got married 7 years later. My mom started dating F 5 years after the divorce and they got married 3 years later. Mom and F are now separated. Dad and L are still going strong. Mom and I have a strained relationship, mainly due to her psychological issues that have not been properly addressed. L and I have a really close relationship and she was always there for me when my mom couldn't be during many bouts with hospitalizations from a chronic illness. </p> <p>Tired yet?</p> <p>The gist of all of this is that my Mom despises L and blames her for the problems in her marriage to my dad. She still hasn't gotten over it 22 years later with over 20 years of therapy.</p> <p>My mom has brought up twice since I've been pregnant that L doesn't "deserve" the designation of Grandma. She first tried to say that the boys will be confused with more than 2 grandmas. When I pointed out to her that my step-grandmas did not confuse me as a child, she relented and said "it's because of how she came to be in our lives." Mom thinks Dad cheated. I was 3. What do I know? and honestly - it's not my business nor my problem. That was their marriage and their relationship, not mine!</p> <p>I told my mom that how Dad and L met is not going to be a bedtime story for our boys and that I don't believe that she (L) doesn't deserve the Grandma title. I also told her that I'm sorry she is STILL hurt but it really isn't my concern and nor will it be brought up to my boys. Period. I told her I don't want to talk about it again, because these conversations always turn into fights and I don't want to be stressed with these babies coming. </p> <p>A couple hours later, she calls me back and says that she wants to be called Oma instead of Grandma, since L is going to be called Grandma (so is MIL). I told her fine, whatever, she can be called whatever she wants but that she's the only one making a big deal out of this.<br /> _________</p> <p>I'm serious stressed about this because my Mom doesn't have the capacity to let this go. My mom is physically disabled and will not be able to babysit alone due to these disabilities (but she insists that she will be fine). She is also borders on hoarding in her home and my sons will not be going there at all (though she thinks her house is fine and the boys will be there frequently). </p> <p>When I bring things up to her, I try to make it about the well-being of the boys (i.e. Mom, you won't be able to pick them up on your own because both of your shoulders have torn rotator cuffs and you can't lift a gallon of milk. We don't want any accidents for them or you.)</p> <p>DH is getting mad because she constantly stresses me out and makes me cry, then tries to blame me and yells at me. I'm already anticipating issues at my baby shower (that L is throwing for me because my Mom can't physically/mentally handle doing it) and it's to the point that I don't want to go anymore. </p> <p>I dread when the boys come because L and my MIL will be helping me with all the physical aspects of things and my Mom can't. </p> <p>*I know I sound like an awful person. I understand that my mom was hurt, but honestly I'm so lucky that I had Dad and L in my life growing up because they gave me the stable home Mom couldn't provide - and she'll never see it that way.</p> <p>I don't know what I'm looking for in the way of advice. I think I'm just looking for support. I don't want my boys to be damaged by the toxicity of my relationship with my mom. I am and have been in therapy for quite a while in regards to this, but it has escalated since I got pregnant. </p> <p>(Please be gentle - I'm already super upset right now) :( </p>