https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 06 Apr 2026 12:21:37 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812854 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 13:20:00 +0000 Jennibenni 2812854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Cereal: I think that answers your question. I don’t think it makes you a terrible person, your feelings are a result of how she’s treated you. Like I said, I relate. If it would give you some closure I would visit once to check the box. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812837 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 12:39:41 +0000 Mrs. Cereal 2812837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Jennibenni: I'm gonna be real honest here. I will only feel relief when she passes. Again, this makes me feel like a crap person, but it's the truth. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812751 Thu, 29 Mar 2018 08:36:54 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2812751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you have your kids be her pen pals? They could send her letters and cards they decorate, you could include a few photos, and you could mention to her that they love sending letters and you thought this would be fun for them. </p> <p>If you do go visit and bring your kids, you can lay out some ground rules. My Dad is constantly saying how girls are so much smarter than boys (my sister has two boys) and that blue eyes are so superior to all other eye colors (my nephews have brown eyes) and my sister and I have both told him he is not to talk like that around our kids. A simple “please don’t say that ever again” is sufficient and if she does it again you stop all visits and if she asks you tell her why. My grandfather could be jokingly mean and my Dad would scream at him when he was and tell him to get out of his house if he was going to be awful. It meant a lot to me to see that and it’s how I have the nerve to tell my Dad to STFU sometimes. </p> <p>The most helpful thing I’ve learned in therapy is the more you practice setting boundaries the better you will get at it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812695 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 19:54:29 +0000 Jennibenni 2812695@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Based on the things she did, if it were me I would not visit and would not feel bad about it. I understand that it’s easier said than done to not feel guilty, so if that’s the case, why do tonot feel the need to set up regular, recurring visits? </p> <p>Sorry to be blunt, but if she dies tomorrow would you regret not spending the time or would you be unaffected? I have one grandmother I feel one way about and one I feel the other way. If you would regret not making more of an effort, can’t you just visit once and see how that goes before you lock yourself into ongoing visits? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812688 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 19:09:14 +0000 LCTBQE 2812688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Cereal: don't be ashamed. and it's a good, healthy thing that you are disinclined to open yourself up to a torrent of mistreatment and drama and bullshit, and frankly it's a privilege of adulthood that you don't have to. be a mama bear to yourself, not just your kids :heart:</p> <p>ETA re your brother and cousin taking financial advantage of her: if I were you I would definitely definitely have a few private conversations with my spouse to vent about how the younger parties have crap for character and then stay the fuck out of the situation completely and go about my own life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812676 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 18:19:43 +0000 Hypatia 2812676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Cereal: Youre not a bad person! When you've been treated horribly like that, you can't help but think that at least an inheritance would help mitigate some of the suffering you went through--a kind of restitution. Especially when you never received any other kind of justice. That's a normal response to have. Try to be as kind and forgiving to yourself as you have been to other people. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812663 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 16:59:30 +0000 josina 2812663@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Has she ever expressed remorse for how she treated you as a child? Does she still say similar things? Have you ever called her out on it?<br /> I try to believe the best of people so from an outside perspective, maybe she's trying to make up for it, but only you know if that's true or not. </p> <p>I guess, my FIL is similar in how he has treated DH as a kid and even now, we visit on occasion, but not often, we definitely don't go out of our way - and he lives next door. He has been to our house once in 8 years so... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812657 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 16:41:49 +0000 starchild 2812657@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Stay away. I understand the drive to empathy, but it's not worth it. My mother was like this and I was diagnosed in therapy with PTSD for cumulative childhood emotional abuse. Even if you can handle it now, why do that to yourself? And regular visits will lead to more urging to see your kids, etc. It's sad, but you need to protect yourself and your family now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812653 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 16:19:58 +0000 Mrs. Cereal 2812653@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really appreciate everyone's responses. About a week ago, I had made up my mind to visit her on a regular basis (every other week or one per month) but yesterday she called me and basically told me that I never visit and she is so disappointed and she wants to see the kids more. She went on for about 5 minutes, with me barely responding and telling her I was sorry she was feeling lonely. And I received two follow up calls this morning, which I ignored. One of those calls she left a voicemail telling me she was sorry about last night and could I forgive her. I was annoyed more than anything and I had to really think about whether or not I want to open myself up to dealing with her more. Some of her phone call crap is her feeling lonely, which I understand, and if the situation were different and she were a kind person who I loved, I would not hesitate at all to make the time to visit her often. </p> <p>Also, I should clarify that I will not have my children around her other than at large family events where they will not have to interact with her. And I am a pretty serious mama bear so if she did say anything to them, I would be all over shutting that down.</p> <p>I'm feeling now like this is just not a person I want to interact more with. I am ashamed to say that in the past, I was mostly maintaining my relationship with her because I knew that eventually there would be monetary gain, which is gross. I no longer feel like that at all and I couldn't care less if I get a cent from her. Ugh, I feel like a shitty person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812649 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 16:07:43 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2812649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Cereal: not to be rude but what would you be getting out of seeing her and spending time with her. She isn't likely to change or apologize so why put yourself through this? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812648 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 16:06:43 +0000 Madison43 2812648@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get feeling empathy for another human and a sense of obligation because you live close by, but honestly? I wouldn’t visit, wouldn’t take my kids to visit, and wouldn’t feel guilty about it at all. She’s treated you horribly in the past, you don’t enjoy your time with her now and you don’t owe her anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812641 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 15:58:02 +0000 gingerbebe 2812641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would visit one time, on my terms.</p> <p>I say this as someone who has had fraught family relationships all over the place, is a victim of physical and mental abuse, and who is very protective of my children from abuse. </p> <p>I would do it one time because I personally don't want to have any regrets or grudges in my own life. I'm open to giving people a second chance and I wouldn't want to have any what-ifs or remorse if the person suddenly died.</p> <p>I would try one visit in a neutral public place like a restaurant, but in a way that favors her (location, her choice of cuisine, whatever). That way, the visit has to be limited in duration, it cannot get Jerry Springer, and if you have to bail, you get in the car and leave.</p> <p>You could do this one on one for the first visit, and if she behaves, try to do it a second time, under the same circumstances, with the kids, but in my case, I would probably take my whole family with me because it would allow her to see the kids (per her request) and hopefully keep her more polite. But my kids are quite young (3.5 and 22 months), so if grandma said something off the chain, they likely wouldn't realize it or remember it. I would also bring my husband because not only would he hopefully serve as a deterrent against completely rude behavior, he would be moral support to me and be an objective observer afterwards when determining if future visits should proceed. But this is all very dependent on your situation. </p> <p>I would personally insist on paying for lunch. We also have some icky money things in our family and I always insist on paying our own way or paying for the whole thing myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812640 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 15:30:15 +0000 kiddosc 2812640@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would not go to visit a grandmother who said terrible things like that. Are you prepared to confront her if she were to say something like that to one of your kids? </p> <p>If you are truly concerned about her having her money taken, I would raise the concern with my parents and let them deal with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812637 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 15:19:41 +0000 Iced Tea 2812637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get your impulse, especially since she lives so close. </p> <p>Maybe you could make some quick drop-ins. Come with a treat or something, saying I only have a few minutes before I have to go do X, but I saw this today and thought of you. Just wanted to bring it by. </p> <p>Also, the older people in my family really like receiving letters (even just simple ones). So I might write, Was really busy this week, but just wanted to write to say hello. I’ve been working on X project, and Little J is enjoying dance class. Hope you’re well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812631 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:54:02 +0000 snowjewelz 2812631@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is she home all the time? Maybe once a month drop off a note, print out some pictures of the kids, with some baked goods/flowers? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812629 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:51:19 +0000 Mama Bird 2812629@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Nothing wrong with being compassionate, but not at the expense of your children. For me, that means I try to minimize the time they spend with my family when DH and I are not around - they're not quite tbe level of toxic you're describing, especially when you don't live with them 24/7. For you, that may mean keeping them away from your grandmother altogether. </p> <p>As for the money *shrug* some money's just not worth the trouble. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812628 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:47:12 +0000 Mrs. Cereal 2812628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@RonjaL7: She is not tech savvy at all (I don't think she has ever even turned on a computer) so emailing is out. Also, we literally live within 5 miles of each other, so its a situation of me feeling like I am close geographically to her and because of this, I should suck it up and visit her. </p> <p>A letter is a pretty good idea though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812624 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:44:54 +0000 Mrs. Cereal 2812624@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Hypatia: She asks frequently to see my kids, which I avoid giving her a specific answer, I use the we are very busy excuse, which is not really an excuse at all because we genuinely are busy all the time. Her abuse consisted of telling me I was a mistake, ugly, fat, etc. She is very vain and projects this onto others. My grandfather (her husband) was physically and mentally abusive, I was often called terrible names and told I shouldn't have been born, etc. I would NEVER expose my children to someone like this, so that is not something that will ever change. </p> <p>And you're right about the money situation. I brought it up because I don't want her or any of my family members to think that I am only visiting because I want something from her. It is just a weird personal thing where I don't want others to group me into their bullshit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812616 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 14:01:28 +0000 RonjaL7 2812616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that the money is her issue. She can spend it however she wants even if she is being manipulated. Have you considered sending her email (if she is tech savvy) or a letter instead of an actual visit? I think she would like these updates and it would help you protect yourself. You can also include pictures of the kids without having to expose them to her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812610 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 13:50:56 +0000 Hypatia 2812610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have someone like this in our lives. We call her the spider, because she uses her wealth and her frail health / age to guilt everyone into her web. </p> <p>I don't know that I can advise you without knowing the extent of her abuse, and how likely she might be to try to get access to your kids if you start spending time with her. I will say that I would not insert myself in the money issue--she may be old, but that is still between her and them, and trying to referee will only bring you heartache. </p> <p>I don't really have much advice, just commiseration. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandmother-issue#post-2812599 Wed, 28 Mar 2018 13:26:42 +0000 Mrs. Cereal 2812599@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am not usually one to post, but I need help navigating this. My grandmother is a pretty awful person. She is mean, vindictive, and manipulative. As a child, my parents did not protect me from her (or my grandfather) which resulted in a lot of emotional and mental trauma. </p> <p>Fast forward to now and I mostly only see her at holidays and for the most part I try to avoid her. I have my two young kids, and I am not really interested at all in them having any sort of relationship with her. Despite all of this, I feel badly for her because I am a human, and her husband died just before Christmas last year. She is clearly lonely, and the empathetic person in me wants to make regular visits to her (every other week for a short time) alone to at least make an effort to help her not feel alone. I sincerely want to do this, but the thought of spending any time with her makes me sort of skeeved out. I am fully capable of protecting myself from her now and nothing she says or does can affect me, but I am just not sure if I want to set myself up for exposing myself to her. </p> <p>The other aspect that I am struggling with is that she is very wealthy and I know that my brother and cousin are taking advantage of her monetarily, and no one is doing anything to stop this. Part of me thinks she deserves it because she has been so horrible to all of us, and the other part of me thinks that no one should be treated like this, even if they are terrible. </p> <p>I just need some sound advice from some of the other people here. Sorry this is so long. </p>