https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 27 Apr 2026 14:53:09 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-722460 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 11:26:48 +0000 mrsmacandcheese 722460@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had a conversation this morning and hopefully things will be moving in a better direction -- we're both gonna have to cut each other a bit more slack until we get through to a point where I can be useful again. With the living room clean and the dishes done it's so much better already.</p> <p>The 'invisible sickness' thing, he's just not gonna get. :( When I pointed out that I'm on the max dosage of prescription meds a doctor will give me and I'm STILL sick he's just like 'Well I've been that sick before too!' For five weeks, apparently. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-722200 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 10:16:14 +0000 ShootingStar 722200@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@artbee: I totally agree with what you said. Guys look at us and don't see anything different and don't understand that even though we look the same, we don't feel the same.</p> <p>I don't have MS, but I've been dealing with some really bad exhaustion in the afternoons/evenings. From about 3-7 all I want to do is lay down. Yesterday I had to leave work on the early side so I could collapse for a while. And because DH can't really cook, the minute he gets home he wants me to start making dinner because he's starving. Last night I was so tired I couldn't even stand upright, I was leaning on the pantry wall so I wouldn't fall over. I asked him to come help prop me up and he thought it was a big joke. I ended up telling him if he wanted dinner he was going to have to help. I walked him through the steps of making meatballs and when to turn on the spaghetti.</p> <p>Luckily he's great about cleaning, thank God. Our arrangement is typically whoever cooks doesn't have to clean up, but in the evenings the last thing I can do is stand up washing dishes for 20 minutes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-722111 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 09:43:25 +0000 LazyLightning 722111@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsDragon: it's really HARD to be a guy.<br /> (Cry me a river, right? So so sorry you're dealing with this!!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-722026 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 09:18:29 +0000 brownie 722026@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: they make disposable pans. Not so much pots but it is half the battle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721743 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 07:43:44 +0000 MrsTiz 721743@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could have written this word for word. My husband's family has very specific ideas on gender roles so DH has never done a speck of housework in his entire life. I don't think he gets how crappy I feel, so I don't think he understands how when I say "I can't deal with the dishes", I mean "I'll throw up all over the dishes if I have to touch them". He's been doing yardwork like crazy now that it's spring, but I need him inside! </p> <p>@brownie: I don't know why it has never occurred to me to get disposable plates and cups.. duh! Now if only they made disposable pots and pans :)</p> <p>I think i'll steal the chore chart idea too, or try and really stress the "i'll cook if you clean" thing, because I just can.not.do.dishes. </p> <p>Really hope it gets better for you mama! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721733 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 07:32:02 +0000 Anagram 721733@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsDragon: I know it's gross to live in a messy/dirty house, but it IS hard for men to "get" how bad MS can be. I was terribly, horribly ill from about week 6 to week 17 when it began to finally ease up. I continued going to work (although honestly, I didn't get a whole lot done there, other than sitting at my desk with a trash can on my lap), and I was on Zofran, which barely took the edge off, but I still felt awful.</p> <p>I would literally come home every day and go straight to the bedroom, where I would stay all night, basically immobile. </p> <p>And our apartment fell to pieces. In some ways, my DH was super helpful-- I really wasn't capable of going to the store anymore or going to the pharmacy (walking around made me too dizzy and naseous), and he *did* do all of that. But he wasn't so great in the cleaning department.</p> <p>So he would be nice by fixing me some buttered toast and bringing it to me, but then he'd leave the bread out, and the butter out, and the plate in the sink...and they would just pile up.</p> <p>He cleaned the entire house alone maybe....once, in the 3 months I was sick.</p> <p>So yup, it was gross. But I just basically had to let it go. He *was* doing more (by doing the grocery shopping and getting my meds, and doing other little errands like post office, etc) and brining me food, and he didn't want to spend the rest of his nights cleaning either. We had a few tifts over it in that time, but generally, I just tried to be grateful that he was being nice to me when honestly, I was being a miserable B (just because I was SO ill) and sometimes taking it out on him.</p> <p>And we survived! And now things are back to normal and I'm at 26 weeks.</p> <p>So....hang in there!!!! It will get better. Praise what he DOES do, and try to let some of it go. </p> <p>HUGS. Morning Sickness is SO hard when you have a bad case of it. But it will get better!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721732 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 07:31:22 +0000 mrsmacandcheese 721732@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sera_87: Haha, thanks! :) We're probably going public in a few weeks.</p> <p>I made a list of everything that needs to be done (by both of us if possible) and left it on the counter last night. I hear dish noises now so I hope that's what he's doing! I agree that we need to talk, so hopefully we can do that soon. I like the idea of scratching off one or two things a day - just gotta get him realize if we do upkeep daily its less overwhelming when it all piles up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721713 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 07:12:54 +0000 looch 721713@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think a chore chart is a good idea in theory, but that could backfire on you because he could translate it as you treating him like a child. I personally don't understand video games, but I understand they can be kind of addicting!</p> <p>I'd be seriously annoyed at my husband if he didn't do his fair share of things. It would not be okay now, and when your child is born, things could get really out of control. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721708 Wed, 17 Apr 2013 07:09:16 +0000 heffalump 721708@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's hard for men to understand what we go through, especially in the beginning when you don't see a bump. You look the same so he doesn't understand that you don't feel the same. </p> <p>I would talk to him about it though. He doesn't have to do everything all at once, just do the dishes one day which shouldn't take that long, and he has the rest of the day to be a couch potato. The next day clean out the fridge, or even half of the fridge. I would want to get him used to helping now because when your LO gets here you don't want to be doing everything by yourself. You'll have a baby to take care of! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721457 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 22:33:24 +0000 MrsMac 721457@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Arrgh, that's so frustrating! I do agree with what others have said though, that you guys need to work together to get on the same page now, before the baby comes. Hiring a cleaning person isn't a long term solution (unless you make it one I guess!). Your lives are only going to get busier, and he needs to get with the program!</p> <p>I would try and sit him down and as calmly as you can try and make him see that marriage is NOT each person giving an exactly equal 50%, it's each person giving 100%. Right now your 100% is going to be different than his 100%. Sitting on the couch for 5 hours after work is not going to cut it anymore.</p> <p>He's probably feeling overwhelmed with fears and anxieties about becoming a father and extra responsibilities, losing his "fun time" etc, and sort of doing a "ostrich head in the sand" type thing. And that's understandable! But it can't stay that way either. </p> <p>So yeah, I think a real heart-to-heart is in order hear, because he needs to see the pain this is causing you, and it will probably do him good to talk about his worries as well. </p> <p>Best of luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721417 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 22:02:20 +0000 sera_87 721417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no advice. I do, however, have a big fat CONGRATS!!!!!</p> <p>Ps: cleaning person. Do it. Call it your Mother's Day gift. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721374 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:39:38 +0000 brownie 721374@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Buy disposables. Then it can just be thrown away (and hide other stuff). I think the kitty litter is a very big deal because you CANNOT do that. </p> <p>Our house has gone through these periods. It takes time to sort it all out. Make a chore chart with even things for you and him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721349 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 21:17:53 +0000 mrsmacandcheese 721349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I tried the you don't know how it feels to be sick like this approach and his response was 'you don't know what I'm going through either!' But unless he ha a secret double life - he is working (like I do too!) and coming home. He has only taken on two extra duties, cooking and kitty litter, and yet somehow he's under an insane amount of pressure?</p> <p>I tidied the living room and tried to do part of the kitchen and I dry heaved six times from the food smell. :( I like the idea of a deep clean together and tried to get him to help me with that over the weekend but then he says weekends are his 'fun time'. But there HAS to be do the dishes like an adult time, right?! He's 36 and I feel like he's a child. I'm sorry I'm ranting, I just have no more patience left. I wish he'd tell me what extras he thinks he's doing because I seriously don't get it.</p> <p>A cleaning company would be AWESOME. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721281 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:57:40 +0000 immabeetoo 721281@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsDragon: I would not fight through the nausea. Work it out now, because you'll want more help once baby is here! (At least if you're anything like me). My husband was (and is) helpful but we definitely had a few spats at first. I think it is hardest then because you feel so awful but still "look normal". I remember him saying "you know, some women are running marathons pregnant". That was a big fight!! For us it worked best to talk about it at a "neutral" time and sort out what worked for both of us to change. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721262 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:53:00 +0000 yoursilverlining 721262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>People who havent had bad MS just don't "get it". Even though my husband was super helpful, he really didn't sympathize until I told him to imagine his worst hangover, where all he wanted to do was throw up and sleep... and then imagine it lasting all day, every day for weeks on end. Then he "got it".</p> <p>Can you set aside a couple of hours to power clean the house together? Can you hire someone to come in and do a deep clean, and then it wouldn't be so bad to keep up? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721232 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:45:29 +0000 mrsmacandcheese 721232@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thing is he also sees it as a mess - about the dishes he basically said that they're so gross now that he doesn't want to do them and the longer they sit dirty the less he'll have to do them when they're cleaned and dirtied again. It just smacks of laziness to me but I seriously can't get him to do anything other than admit that it's gross and he just doesn't want to do it.</p> <p>When things come from people other than me he is less stubborn and will agree that he's making excuses, but it can't be from me. I don't want to martyr myself or anything - I'm just finding the state of the house SO stressful that I don't know what else to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721220 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:40:58 +0000 mrbee 721220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Mrs. Bee and I have wrestled with this... we wrote a series of posts on dividing up household chores. The one on cleanliness thresholds touches on what to do one when person doesn't "see" a mess while the other person sees nothing but!!</p> <p><a href="http://www.hellobee.com/household-chores/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/household-chores/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721214 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:37:16 +0000 MrsStar 721214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aw I'm sorry he's being like that, I also had awful nausea from weeks 6-17. I couldn't do anything during that time apart from lie on the sofa and watch TV and have a container next to me because I knew I wouldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Are you able to sit down and talk to him about how you need him to step up at this time and talk about your expectations? I hope he starts helping out more! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721210 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:35:17 +0000 mrsmacandcheese 721210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Dandelion: We live far away from my family. My SIL is a neat freak but I feel so bad bringing anyone into this mess. I *hate* having a messy house. I might have to take a morning of work if I'm feeling ok and just deal with it. I wish he'd just be helpful but he's full of excuses. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721197 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:31:06 +0000 Dandelion 721197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aw that sucks :( is your mom nearby to help? Or other family or friends? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/husband-wont-pick-up-any-slack#post-721185 Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:27:05 +0000 mrsmacandcheese 721185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm around 10-11 weeks pregnant and I've had all day nausea since around week 6. I started taking meds around week 7 but I'm still sick, mainly from 4 PM till I go to bed.</p> <p>I thought my husband would pick up some slack while I've been ill and I've asked him to do so but our house is disgusting now. We're usually cluttered but now it's actually filthy. He will leave dishes for days with half rotted food, the fridge reeks because he doesn't clean it out, the cat litter is changed infrequently and there is pet hair and junk EVERYWHERE.</p> <p>He has picked up most of the cooking duties but aside from that I feel like he hasn't taken on ANY household duties. He claims he is too busy or too fried from work - he goes in around 9-10 am, leaves at 4:30 then stays up past midnight watching TV or playing Halo.</p> <p>Today he told me 'its not like you're in a wheelchair' and I realize that, but I can't do things like the kitty litter anymore and I really can't handle three day old rotting dishes. Without me doing maintenance the whole house has just fallen apart and while I understand needing downtime I don't think he needs from 5pm to midnight to be a couch potato!</p> <p>I cannot get him to see this at all - he immediately gets incredibly defensive. Should I just try to suck it up and clean through the nausea? I'm incredibly jealous of people who have husbands who are actually helping during pregnancy. :( </p>