https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 22:26:40 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2621036 Tue, 13 Sep 2016 21:11:11 +0000 JennyD 2621036@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: thanks :). It is hard work, but worth the effort. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2621009 Tue, 13 Sep 2016 20:29:58 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2621009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JennyD: be kind to yourself! It isn't even remotely easy to make marriage work! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2620991 Tue, 13 Sep 2016 20:13:32 +0000 JennyD 2620991@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This popping up is kinda timely... I've been doing a bit of complaining lately. And I realize, this is not who I want to be. </p> <p>I have to remind myself a lot lately, for better OR WORSE, rich OR poor. And remind myself that I said forever, and I meant it. And that we're a team. And it's hard but "the scars you get together are the scars you really covet". I'll tough it out. I love him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2620981 Tue, 13 Sep 2016 20:00:30 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2620981@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This thread popped up as a result of one I posted today. So I'm reviving it! I'm in a Happy marriage but it has taken a ton of work and literally at some points scrapping the life we thought we wanted ("signed up for") and redefining our relationship on a new normal. I think that most people go into marriage with unrealistic expectations not of just their partner but of the institution of marriage itself. Many people get married before they fully realize what it takes to run a stable home/family/etc. The balance between the stability of marriage and that yearning for something better/more exciting/sexier is hard and sometimes life is so difficult that it is hard to adjust to reality as compared to the ideal. I don't like the idea of people gutting it through marriage, putting the happy face on, etc. I once asked my therapist "how does everyone do it??" (It = parenting, marriage, career, etc.) She said to me, "no one does it but they just don't admit this.". Since then I've tried to practice self compassion and compassion for others. There's got to be a way to acknowledge the difficult reality of marriage in a way that does not tear someone down, but instead builds empathy. I think a lot of partner complaining stems from disappointment with the institution of marriage that people have a hard time recognizing so they put it on their partner instead. When my friends complain about their marriages to me I try to gently suggest that they practice better self care. That's what gets me through the tough times. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2558536 Sat, 28 May 2016 06:13:29 +0000 looch 2558536@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, life has its ups and downs, doesn't it? I think the reason why marriages last for 40, 50 even 60 years isn't because it's blissful all of the time...it's because you haven't fallen out of love with each other at the same time. I read this somewhere a long time ago in an interview with long married couples. </p> <p>My parents are married almost 40 years. They married when they were young and had a ton of hardships along the way. I'd love to interview them, but at the same time, I really don't want to know the details because they did a decent job of shielding us from the lows. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2558535 Sat, 28 May 2016 06:10:03 +0000 Winnie13 2558535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love this! Thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2558514 Sat, 28 May 2016 02:11:29 +0000 808love 2558514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Marriage is hard work for most people at some point in their lives. We've all had different life experiences, struggles, and are in different places in our emotional empathy and sensitivity to the burdens our friends carry. It is up to your husband to be up front if he doesn't like the topic of conversation or disagrees with a friend. That said- how someone feels about their relationship with their husband, wife, mother, brother, teacher, dog is probably in confidence and trust that another friend will understand either their masking jokes or their deep disappointment or pain. Giving someone support, love and direction toward healing during these times or simply not participating in an off joke can do a lot for friends who are down on marriage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2558406 Fri, 27 May 2016 19:11:11 +0000 Golden 2558406@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The last texts between my husband I were about where I can find the vodka (from him), a picture of my cocktail (from me), a few I love yous, him asking if we could have sex tomorrow night and me sending him a couple of NSFW emoticons. My marriage is pretty happy. It is what you make it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2558220 Fri, 27 May 2016 12:18:57 +0000 youboots 2558220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We made an agreement a long time ago to not talk badly about eachother. If we don't respect our relationship who else will? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2558053 Fri, 27 May 2016 09:43:29 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2558053@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>While I agree with you wholeheartedly, it is amazing to have friends to tell the funny stories to. I'm in no way bashing my husband, nor is he bashing me, but the way we react to things is funny sometimes! For instance, I was telling my neighbor yesterday how he reacted to LO2 throwing up on him...mainly because it was hilarious. He laughed at it too after the fact, and it was all in good fun. </p> <p>Outright bashing him to the wives club? That's not really my style. He and I are a team against the world. Of course some healthy venting to one or two very good friends is normal. I don't think you can live day in and day out with someone without them frustrating you at some point. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2558044 Fri, 27 May 2016 09:31:18 +0000 Mrs. D 2558044@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I aspire to my grandparents marriage.</p> <p>When my grandfather was in the Air Force (Canada), his superiors brought him in about a promotion. They asked him about keeping up standards. Then they asked him about his wife- My grandmother. They asked if he would make sure she lived up to the expectations of a Forces Wife and do something about it if she wasn't.</p> <p>Instead of the expected_Of course, he got irate and told his superiors that his wife was good enough for him, and if she wasn't good enough for them, he didn't want the promotion. And walked out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556485 Wed, 25 May 2016 16:14:22 +0000 janeybee 2556485@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: I couldn't agree more! Having one person who you can vent to is SO important! Especially someone who you can complain to, and they quickly forget what you've said once you've resolved the issue!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556445 Wed, 25 May 2016 15:22:44 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2556445@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: Yes! Our marriage counselor reminded that not only do men love praise, they love it when you praise them to others. This is obviously true for everyone, even kids, but more-so for men typically. So tearing them down doesn't help at all! </p> <p>I do think that forums like HB can be helpful for venting/advice in a more private manner if need be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556405 Wed, 25 May 2016 14:52:20 +0000 JMOM 2556405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I had a discussion about this last night. I was telling him about a friend who was complaining to me about her husband. My husband just assumed that I spoke that way about him to my friends. He was surprised that I don't really do that. I really try not to run him down in front of my friends or family. I feel like some things need to be kept between us, especially things like fights or money. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556402 Wed, 25 May 2016 14:50:11 +0000 Umbreon 2556402@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:heart: I couldn't have said it better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556318 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:40:08 +0000 Anagram 2556318@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think for some people, venting is cathartic and their way of getting over things. It's inevitable that in any relationship that last a significance amount of time--family, friend, romance, whatever--bumps in the road will happen. Some people probably get through those things by unloading on 3rd parties.</p> <p>But the groceries text thing is hilarious. For sure when I look at the history of texts between my husband and I, it's a whole lot of grocery lists and kid shop-talk. </p> <p>"are you on your way yet?" </p> <p>"Stop and get some ant poison before you get home"</p> <p> "the toilet overflowed again" </p> <p>"don't forget to give A her medicine" </p> <p>"M had pink eye again. AGAIN. "</p> <p>And other such romantic banters. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556311 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:36:47 +0000 rachiecakes 2556311@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: it goes both ways, too - the braggy couples on social media.. I love my DH, he's done some really nice things for me, I don't want to post it for all to see. </p> <p>I had a cousin that started with the flowers, jewelry, dinners and ended with the big blowout for all to see online.. eek </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556305 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:31:56 +0000 lovehoneybee 2556305@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: Same here, I've known my best friend more than half my life, and almost a decade longer than I've known D, and I definitely vent to her about him sometimes. </p> <p>What I really don't get is the couples who air all their dirty laundry on Facebook. I watched my cousin's marriage start and end on FB. It was sad and I hard to watch. So much negativity. I just can't imagine making such a public spectacle of my relationship. </p> <p>We're not always in perfect harmony, but we are a team, and I can't imagine bad-mouthing him or our marriage in public. Any discord is and will stay between us (with the exception of my BFF vents). </p> <p>I also try not to rant about my kids on FB (I don't always succeed). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556290 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:21:26 +0000 rachiecakes 2556290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@janeybee: I get that :) it's what we literally signed up for</p> <p>However, sometimes my best friend is the sounding board I need and she's always been that person for me and I hope I am for her. While I wouldn't bash my husband to the wives club, sometimes I need to vent to my best girl. I've always been independent and marriage is hard for me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556289 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:20:44 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2556289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes! :heart: sounds like you both need some new friends! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556284 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:18:40 +0000 DillonLion 2556284@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:heart: Well said! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556283 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:18:13 +0000 littlebug 2556283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband and I often comment to each other about how other couples speak to/about one another. Mostly his friends about their wives, but I have a couple of friends who are big complainers, too. It shocks us how discontent they are...and then how vocal they are about it!</p> <p>We're not perfect, and I definitely have some issues with my husband from time to time. I've vented on here a couple of times, but it's a vent about one particular behavior or event, not a blanket complaint that my husband is an asshole. I don't understand that. </p> <p>We made a commitment to each other, for better or worse. If things swing worse, we figure it out. Together. We don't talk trash about each other behind our backs. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556279 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:15:21 +0000 MrsBrewer 2556279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:heart: :heart: :heart: Preach!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/down-on-marriage#post-2556276 Wed, 25 May 2016 13:08:15 +0000 janeybee 2556276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why is everyone so down on marriage? Since when did it become super cool to loathe the person you're married to, and to complain about the institution of marriage that you actively agreed to participate in? You LITERALLY signed up for it. I just finished reading an article about marriage being summed up in tweets. People posted things like, "Being married is just texting each other about groceries a bunch of times until one of you dies". This is not an unusual mindset, as I've encountered it many times before. Before getting married, people would often say things to my husband like:</p> <p>"Say goodbye to your freedom"<br /> "Signing up for the end of your life, eh?"<br /> "Leaving the good life, huh?"</p> <p>After getting married, I thought these comments would dissipate. They have not. My husband now finds himself in groups of men, all of whom are complaining about their wives. They turn to him, expecting him to come up with a real whammy - really put me in my place. But he won't because that's not what marriage looks like to us. </p> <p>I have stopped spending time with the wives of my husband's friends, simply because I can't stand the way they talk about their partners. I don't want to focus on and pick apart every flaw my husband has, and I wouldn't want him sitting around doing that either. I don't think focusing on either of our imperfections is going to improve our life in any way.</p> <p>My husband and I are married, and to me that means I'm his #1 fan. I'm the person he can count on to cheer him along when everyone thinks he's going to fail. I'm the person he can call to celebrate an accomplishment, or worry over a possible failure. I'm the person he can tell his secrets to because he knows all of mine. I'm on his team, and that's what we agreed to when we said, "I do". I don't tear him down or point out all his faults. I don't emphasize all the things he didn't do, conveniently ignoring all the things he did do. I don't sit around imagining how wonderful my life would be if only I'd married someone else. Because I didn't. I married my husband, just as he was. </p> <p>Life is full of imperfections - they are what makes it beautiful. If my husband were perfect, then I would never measure up. I love his missteps, his misunderstandings, his imperfections. I love the moments when I get to see him at his most human state of being, because those moments allow me to be human around him, and we so rarely get to see others in those moments (they're usually the ones that happen behind closed doors). His imperfections allow me to embrace mine. That is why I'm my most authentic self around him. </p> <p>To me, marriage is not a hierarchy. It is not a his and hers situation. It is not a constant battle for power between two people. We decided to be a team, and we play by those rules.</p> <p>So I'm done with the complaining. I'm done with the constant bashing of marriage. I'm done with allowing people to carry on thinking everyone who is married is miserable, and that is the norm and is what should be expected. Because that is simply not my truth. My truth is that I love being married to my husband. Would I love marriage if it were with someone else? Probably not. But I am completely in love with the way my husband and I have decided to be married. After all, we get to choose what marriage looks like to each of us. We get to make up the rules for our own team. </p> <p>So, I will choose to cheer on my husband. I will choose to celebrate our marriage. I will choose to be grateful for what I have, and for the beautiful life I lead. I will make gratitude lists, and put my husband on the top. Because the nature of our marriage has allowed me to be who I am. I am me because of him, not in spite of him. And I am proud of who I am. I am proud of the commitment I made, and I am proud of the man I chose as my partner. And I think that's something truly amazing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/best-hours-for-dh#post-2526444 Fri, 15 Apr 2016 19:20:57 +0000 MrsSRS 2526444@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does option 1 mean you and DH would get to spend some of your commute together? That would also be a bonus. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/best-hours-for-dh#post-2526364 Fri, 15 Apr 2016 17:07:14 +0000 BKCaribBaby 2526364@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Fore most of his career, DH has worked pretty long hours. Lately he's had so much flexibility and is home in the evenings. It makes such a difference for me and LO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/best-hours-for-dh#post-2526354 Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:59:58 +0000 Shantuck 2526354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not sure how old your children are but eventually there will be homework in the evenings so I would definitely pick Option 1 as a plan with long term potential. My 3 year old comes home from preschool with homework on occasion (which is ridiculous!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/best-hours-for-dh#post-2526310 Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:07:26 +0000 bloved 2526310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely 8-4:30. I think the night time help is invaluable. Plus I feel like it is important for a couple to have time together too and this option seems like it would give you the most of that as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/best-hours-for-dh#post-2526302 Fri, 15 Apr 2016 15:58:04 +0000 catlady 2526302@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I voted #1! I love the fact that we always have dinners together as a family, and honestly I would hate it if I had to deal with bedtime alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/best-hours-for-dh#post-2526278 Fri, 15 Apr 2016 15:40:05 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 2526278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Option 1 - I would sacrifice money for more family time, and help with bedtimes!</p> <p>Does his current 1.5 hour commute include time in traffic? Any chance the 4:30 pm end time could shorten his commute? There is a huge difference between traffic at 4:30 and traffic after 5 pm where I'm from.. </p>