https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 19 Apr 2026 02:38:24 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2894900 Sun, 18 Aug 2019 21:41:03 +0000 yellowbeach 2894900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just updating with this article I saw today:<br /> <a href="https://www.mother.ly/life/experience-gifts-to-give-instead-of-toys" rel="nofollow">https://www.mother.ly/life/experience-gifts-to-give-instead-of-toys</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892097 Wed, 24 Jul 2019 08:43:56 +0000 yellowbeach 2892097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mamabolt: yes - the attitude thing is something I am trying so hard to avoid (what I was getting at with my #2). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892096 Wed, 24 Jul 2019 08:27:33 +0000 mamabolt 2892096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, have definitely dealt with this with MIL and the sheer volume of stuff drives me crazy, but even more so, now that especially LO1 is getting older (7) they are becoming bratty/entitled surrounding her visits. First question is always "did you bring us a present?" and even on a present-giving occasion there's a "what else" attitude and less gratitude since she brings SO MUCH. Literally, probably a dozen items for her 7th bday last month. I can deal with the volume of stuff and just purge/donate regularly, but with the attitude I need to deal with it somehow. But I know MIL will be so sensitive/offended if bring it up, ugh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892089 Wed, 24 Jul 2019 04:36:41 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2892089@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, another recommendation. Stop cleaning up and putting toys away when family comes. My in-laws are horrified by how cluttered and messy our place is and coincidentally don’t bring Stuff. (My parents on the other hand DGAF but I am comfortable telling them not to buy stuff. Which led to an email from my aunt about how terrible my sister and I are for not letting my parents buy us stuff.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892088 Wed, 24 Jul 2019 04:30:42 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2892088@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>One of my friend’s MILs was doing this and now just brings a bag of toys with her and takes it home. So each visit their daughter is excited to play with Grandma’s toys, they are always new and exciting, and she doesn’t have to actually buy new stuff each time but can if she wants. </p> <p>I am a child of a hoarder and first of all, highly recommend the Children of Hoarders website; secondly it is helpful to recognize that hoarding is often related to mental illness, usually anxiety. But also, one thing they push is that it’s not okay for your parents to store their stuff at your house and that if a gift comes with conditions, it’s not a gift. So anything she wants back, hand back right then. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892079 Tue, 23 Jul 2019 20:49:37 +0000 DesertDreams88 2892079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're pretty limited in our ability to limit or give away grandparent gifts since they babysit in our house 40 hours a week, but ONE tip that worked was highly suggesting outdoor toys, bikes / biking supplies, clothing / shoes, dress up costumes (not a lot of space), and/or memberships. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892077 Tue, 23 Jul 2019 19:44:37 +0000 Mama Bird 2892077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband's aunt and her family are like that. It's not good. The kids have a solid association in their mind by now that if one of them comes, they bring gifts. I'm not saying they don't like these relatives just for their own sake, but they're so used to the gifts that if we ever got a gift-free visit, I think the kids' first reaction would be surprise and disappointment :bummed: </p> <p>Naturally we've asked them to stop lots of times. Especially this year, because they're looking at some financial uncertainty. They don't listen, although I may have finally gotten through to the aunt recently. She came to visit the week before DD1's birthday, and when she went to sit down in a chair, I had to pull five toys off of it first. So I told her: look, we have toys on the chairs, toys on the tables, toys in the closets, toys on the floor... trust me, when you bring more toys that just means the kids get hassled more about tidying up. Maybe it's coincidence, but for the actual birthday party the aunt only brought one small present. Everyone else though.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892057 Tue, 23 Jul 2019 14:50:59 +0000 yellowbeach 2892057@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for all the helpful responses. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with something similar. I was feeling pretty guilty that maybe I was being ungrateful - but I'd rather my MIL save her money and not have to move in with us in a few years :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892053 Tue, 23 Jul 2019 14:02:37 +0000 LadyDi 2892053@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is my mother. It's become a real problem lately, I am not sure why. I think it's because DS1 is 4 so he's at a very fun age to buy for. I am very anti-clutter and my parents know I don't like a lot of "stuff" but they are both hobbyists and collectors and my brother is a borderline hoarder so I think that they think my aversion to things is weird. She used to be more restrained but now she has a new toy every time she seems him (weekly). She also feels bad if she buys DS1 something so now she gets DS2 something also and he's only 17 months. Ugh. A fair amount of the toys stay at her house, which was fine at first but now I have no idea how much stuff he's actually getting and that kind of bothers me. He doesn't need a new toy every time he goes over there and she's buying him playmobil and hotwheels sets, not little things. The whole thing makes me upset but my mom has no self esteem and I know if I ask her to stop she will just take it personally and see it as a criticism. </p> <p>Basically we've started donating a lot of the stuff that she gives us. I also belong to a "buy nothing" type of group on facebook so I give a lot of stuff away to people in our community. The other day she was here and DS1 told me they were taking a walk to CVS so I said that was fine and asked him why and she said "grandma is going to buy me a toy there" so I waited til she was in the room and I told him that he just had a birthday so he wasn't going to get a toy today because he had a LOT of new ones, and he didn't need and new toys anytime soon. I guess it might have been a little passive aggressive, but she got the point at least for now. DS wasn't upset either. </p> <p>I guess it's just a grandparent thing but man, kids do NOT need tons of toys. DS spent an hour the other day just squirting water out of dollar store squirt bottles and using food coloring to dye the water and mix colors. He never plays with one toy that long. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892027 Tue, 23 Jul 2019 09:05:08 +0000 foodiebee 2892027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are already going through this with my MIL and our son is only 6 weeks old! Within the first two weeks after his birth, she’d bought him 24 onesies. Not an exaggeration. He has already outgrown some and never wore them. Her love language is gifts, so it’s hard to get through to her. I like the donation idea, though in our case we struggle bc she doesn’t really have the funds to keep this up long term when it grows beyond onesies... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892011 Tue, 23 Jul 2019 05:17:26 +0000 caitcat 2892011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have much advice, but definitely can commiserate! My mother in law is very similar, right down to the borderline hoarder situation. It's really hard, on so many fronts. We get a lot of toys, and a ton of clothes on a regular basis. The clothes are easy to turn around and donate what we don't need, but it's trickier if the kids see the toys come in first. I usually try to put any bags she brings in another room before my girls see them, so I have a chance to sort through them before they know what's there. Typically, I'll suggest she grabs one or two things to play with "to get started" and then I scoot the bag away. And we donate stuff about every couple of months. </p> <p>We keep boxes for donations set up in our guest room and once they're full, my husband makes regular trips to donate them and we empty the boxes to start again. If there's something "special" that my mother in law brings or something the kids really love, we certainly keep that stuff around. But a lot is used and missing pieces, or was "such a good deal she couldn't pass it up." In those cases, we sometimes feel like we're another spill-over outlet for her collecting/hoarding and that's hard. </p> <p>We have gotten to a slightly better place with it at this stage, but it was because she showed up with giant boxes of stuff a couple days after I was home from the hospital with my second daughter. When I answered the door and saw her with the boxes, I burst into tears and ran upstairs, yelling something crazy to my husband about how he needed to "get rid of all the stuff right now!" It wasn't one of my finer moments, but he did have a conversation about how we appreciate her generosity but we needed a few months "off" of large scale stuff at that point in time because we couldn't handle so much coming into the house right then. She scaled back for a while, and though it did eventually ramp back up, it wasn't to the same extent it once had been. </p> <p>I'll be following along for other suggestions here!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892009 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 23:02:26 +0000 ALV91711 2892009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would get DH to say something again. Is it possible that instead of toys she could buy things that are needed like clothes/shoes? If she won’t stop the toys then with every visit I’d try and donate as much that is brought in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892003 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 21:05:02 +0000 Sams Mom 2892003@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: would she jump on board with "experience gifts" for her? Like have your husband tell her "ma, were running out of room for the people in the house, slow your roll" then tell her about some things your daughter wants to/would enjoy to do, but you guys might not have it in the scheduled to do. Salon day, zoo, trampoline park, aquarium, children's museum, I don't know. 🤷🏼‍♀️</p> <p>My son's great grandma is like this, albeit she only visits/we visit 4-6 times a year due to the distance. I always tell her just because you're seeing Sam doesn't mean he has to get a present. Yeah, she brushes it off often, but this last time they went to the Dallas Zoo, he got one small thing from the gift shop, and that was it. 🙌🏻 They also went to a ceramics studio where he got to paint like 3 things. Did she spend as much as she usually does? Probably. But I only have a small helicopter and some cute ceramics hand painted by my toddler in the house. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892002 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:46:07 +0000 DillonLion 2892002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: ha, for real "okay great here you go!" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892001 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:33:18 +0000 yellowbeach 2892001@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DillonLion: this seems like something I can embrace. Tonight regarding a Noah’s ark play set (she is atheist as are DH and I 🤔 ) she asked that when we are done with it we give it back to her so that other future grandkids can play with it. I’m all for that except how the heck am I supposed to remember what’s what amongst toys? Wanted to just give it back right then. 🤷🏼‍♀️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2892000 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:30:31 +0000 DillonLion 2892000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We just regularly purge. MIL gets joy from giving and we get joy donating it all 6 months later to other people who need it or need a great deal. It feels wasteful, but not the hill I want to die on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2891999 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:30:14 +0000 yellowbeach 2891999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gotkimchi: We unfortunately don’t spend much time at grandmas house (my MIL) because she’s is a borderline hoarder environment. I’ve started keeping a bunch at my moms house, but it’s really just thrusting the problem on to her. </p> <p>@CrazyDogLady: Will try again to have DH push the message. He’s tried in the past and she brushed him off “I’m a grandma, it’s my job to spoil” which I get and am not trying to take away - just want less concrete stuff. Will have him push again though. Not something I want to step in front of the firing squad for. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2891996 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:16:54 +0000 gotkimchi 2891996@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you leave some at grandmas house? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2891993 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:05:55 +0000 crazydoglady 2891993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@yellowbeach: I think this is one of those things where you have your husband handle it and just be honest but kind that you don't have the space for anything else, but the sentiment is appreciated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-well-meaning-mil#post-2891991 Mon, 22 Jul 2019 20:00:57 +0000 yellowbeach 2891991@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My MIL is very generous with her time and in bringing toys for our DD. Recently, the gift-giving has in my mind become excessive. We see her about once a month, and every month (even non-birthday, non Christmas months) she had at least three large bags of toys. Some are bought new, some second hand, some held over from the four boys she raised. She means really well, but it’s become a great source of stress for me for two reasons. </p> <p>1) We live in a small row house with no space for more toys. We’ve always carefully selected our toys and tried to focus on experiences rather than material things with DD. The clutter is driving me nuts. </p> <p>2) I know the point of grandparents is to spoil children, but I worry this is just too much. </p> <p>Like I said, her heart is in the right place, but I don’t know how to resolve this without someone’s feelings getting hurt. </p> <p>Thoughts for what to say/do? Nothing isn’t really an option. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery/page/2#post-2880479 Thu, 11 Apr 2019 15:39:30 +0000 foodiebee 2880479@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crazydoglady: We just say that privately, not around her. As for DH being "the father," it always catches me so off-guard that I've never managed to say a word in response. Your MIL sounds similar to mine. I honestly think DH has more anxiety about it right now than I do, because like you and other posters have said, I do truly believe this will all calm down once everyone gets to settle into their new roles in the family dynamic. I think in the long run she's going to be a wonderful, doting grandma. I also agree that establishing boundaries will be helpful for everyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery/page/2#post-2880472 Thu, 11 Apr 2019 15:02:53 +0000 PawPrints 2880472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My kids have their own room at each grandparents' house, but they're local and sleepovers are happening at least once a month. Your situation sounds nuts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery/page/2#post-2880467 Thu, 11 Apr 2019 14:43:46 +0000 crazydoglady 2880467@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@foodiebee: So my MIL was a wee bit overwhelming (i.e. wanted to come to the hospital to help get us into the car, sent us an overwhelming amount of gifts, always wanted to see DS, was LIVID when my husband was unavailable by text for a few hours...ummm...I was giving birth...) I think a lot of it came from her anxiety and uncertainty about what it meant to become a grandmother and the role that she would play. I was very BEC with her and possessive of my son and afraid that this would be a big issue...but it wasn't. She did calm down BIG time once we hit our stride. DS (now 3.75) typically goes to her house one afternoon on the weekends. She often comes over for just a few minutes to hold baby girl (7 months.) She spoils them at Christmas, buys holiday outfits, etc. We just needed to map out our roles which happened naturally. </p> <p>I would start with boundaries now so they get used to following your lead (especially if they are reasonable people.) I would personally stop joking about the incubating "her baby" because it fuels the fire. I get that you might be saying it to exemplify how ridiculous her sentiments are, but to me, it doesn't seem like a good idea. When she mentions something about DH being the father, I would counter with how "yes and I am the mother and joint decisions will come from US." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery/page/2#post-2880448 Thu, 11 Apr 2019 13:20:37 +0000 Grace 2880448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My aunt did this. I’m super jealous. Would be so handy. My mom got a playpen and we bought a second booster-high chair. And she has a bunch of toys/books for them. As for the separate room, just let her know that you are rooming in for the time being, but that eventually, you kid having their own room will be awesome (this coming from someone who has to put the pack and play right up against our bed and the older kid on the air mattress by the door). I would kill for a room to put the kids in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery/page/2#post-2880381 Thu, 11 Apr 2019 08:35:51 +0000 foodiebee 2880381@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bees_knees: @bhbee: Ohhh yeah, taking the baby out of sight would be a trigger for me, I think! My MIL is bursting with excitement, which is very sweet, but thrown in the mix are these weird comments like about how XYZ needs to happen "because the baby is DH's and DH is THE FATHER." (Her emphasis.) It always makes me think, "Okay so? What about that I'm the mother?" We half-joke that she thinks I'm incubating a baby solely for her, but it's the kind of joking that is tinged with anxiety! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery#post-2880354 Thu, 11 Apr 2019 00:00:27 +0000 bhbee 2880354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bees_knees: haha been there ... my MIL is still bitter I think that she has to “share” DH with me ... I always think in my head she wants to get rid of me and take my place :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery#post-2880352 Wed, 10 Apr 2019 23:53:47 +0000 bees_knees 2880352@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bhbee: omg my MIL does this too! Drives me insane. She even does it with our toddlers/preschooler and finally DH had to tell her to knock it off because she was taking them out of sight in busy public places 🙄 I think she does it because she doesn’t like to share any attention? She also doesn’t know how to play with kids besides showing them videos on her phone so she isolates herself with them. </p> <p>Sorry. Sore subject 😂 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery#post-2880289 Wed, 10 Apr 2019 17:25:55 +0000 Alba4 2880289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, but both sets of grandparents bought a crib so we wouldn’t have to lug ours every time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery#post-2880255 Wed, 10 Apr 2019 14:07:18 +0000 DillonLion 2880255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My in-laws kept a lot of baby gear at their place, but it was usually some kind of hand me down thing from another family member. And they also kept LO for long stretches of time, 3 hours away, so it was needed. </p> <p>I think a full, decorated nursery would be a little weird, especially considering the frequency of your visits. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/grandparents-making-their-own-nursery#post-2880181 Wed, 10 Apr 2019 10:34:47 +0000 nana87 2880181@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Neither my parents nor in-laws did this, but mil bought a pack and play, and my mom would always borrow one and borrow car seats from my brother in advance of our visit so we wouldn't need to bring it, and she bought an inflatable toddler bed...but not a whole room! also my parents and in-laws have downsized since we've had kids, so having a full kid-room in an apt when it's only used a couple times per year is an excessive use of space! </p>