https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 06 May 2026 07:53:13 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-871198 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 14:00:24 +0000 irene 871198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cole: Very good advice about the picture!! Except that I am a bit held back on the idea because she posted pictures she took with her and LO on her facebook without asking for our permission. I am not friends with her, but I did search for her on facebook, and I see my son's pictures. That really gave me goosebumps because that means those pics are set to public. I don't know. I didn't even dare to bring it up to her because then she would make me feel I am the crazy one and I am overworrying and I am the control freak, but to be honest what's wrong with worrying and disliking my son's pictures being available to the public on Facebook, by a non-family member...? Sigh. If I send recent pics of LO to her I can't control if she would pull it and post it onto her facebook.</p> <p>Yes, and I would have been fine if it were once or twice a year in terms of checking in / seeing each other. Sigh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-871123 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 13:40:02 +0000 Cole 871123@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have been a nanny for several families and while it is nice to get updates I feel like requesting playdates is excessive. I pretty much limit it to once or twice a year check in for about two years usually and then I feel like things have usually run their course. I am still friends with one Mom so we text but honestly it is more about our relationship than the one with the kids even at this point. At any rate I don't think you would be out of line just to stop responding, maybe respond with a photo and just say "sorry, life is busy" every other time and she will get the picture eventually.</p> <p>@PrincessBaby: I wonder if maybe she wants to keep in touch because she is hoping for a reference? It is always awkward to use someone as a reference when you haven't chatted recently so perhaps she is trying to keep the line of communication open? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-869938 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:57:18 +0000 2PeasinaPod 869938@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: "Whoops! Sorry...work has been so crazy, and your email got buried in all of my work emails!" or "...it looks like your email went to my junk folder!" :wink: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-869879 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:41:04 +0000 irene 869879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: That's the problem, it is my job to check email and respond immediately, and she has my work email..... argh! So she knows that I check emails. I would have deleted that email account if I could!! Arghhhh</p> <p>But yes. I will stop responding to her right away. Argh.</p> <p>She stopped working with us in beginning of Feb and she had come by twice. She sat in LO's room and play with him while we chatted. However this time I don't want her to go up to his room anymore. So I don't know.</p> <p>Sometimes I wish she started having her own kids so she won't remember us as much lol. Actually I thought now she works with a new family (with a new baby) she would have put her love and energy all to the new one and forget about us. But that's not the case. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-869856 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:37:04 +0000 2PeasinaPod 869856@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I would stop being that person that replies to her within 10 minutes! You do have a 16-month old after all. It just sounds like she's used to being manipulative and doesn't take criticism well, and it's a relationship you don't want to continue. </p> <p>I like @Anagram's suggestion of just easing off and not replying right away. And if she calls you out on not responding right away, let her know that you ARE really busy and don't have as much time to check email as you did before. You have zero obligation to let her know what you've been busy with. </p> <p>When she visits, do the two of you sit and chat about things or is she mainly engaged in your LO? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-869831 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:30:06 +0000 irene 869831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tequiero21: No, he's just 16 months (17 soon). He doesn't even remember his grandparents (they don't live in the same city). While I think he may still remember our ex-nanny and may be happy to see her, I don't think he wants to see her.</p> <p>Coming to think of it, I really should slowly ease it off before he can remember and ask me why do we not see her more often. Oh God. </p> <p>Again, this all makes me feel like the bad person, I hate it. She has a way to make me feel that I am the crazy one too. I thought when we were done I can be done feeling like I am always in the wrong, but it is not. I am already obligated to so many people (grandparents, relatives...etc.) How come I am obligated to see someone I won't even be friends with and she's not even a relative? </p> <p>@Anagram: Thanks... I was trying to do that, but some times I just feel bad and I caved in. (And dang, I am usually the type that replies within 10 minutes, and she knows it) I should continue to slowly ease it off....</p> <p>@PrincessBaby: I know... while I appreciate they love our babies/kids so much, when an employment is done, it is done... unless if it is a mutual relationship that both parties want to continue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-869768 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:17:00 +0000 PrincessBaby 869768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I think you did the perfect thing! I wonder what the deal is- bc we had a nany for a little over 3 months, and we let her go bc we moved out of state and I quit my job. We had to prep for a move out of our home, deal with getting it ready for our renters, get all the way up to SC where we are building a house that wont be ready until mid August, so we're subletting a furnished condo in the meantime, and the nanny has called me twice to check on H and see how our "new life" is going. I really thought that was weird, and that she was a little crazy if she thought that in the middle of all of this commotion (we physically moved end of last week and it was bonkers), that I would have time to chit chat about LOwith her! I mean she was great, but um- we're done here, right? Maybe it's a nanny thing? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-869696 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 08:00:47 +0000 Anagram 869696@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: personally, I feel like you have 0 obligation to facilitate her seeing your kids---especially because you don't get along with her.</p> <p>If I were you, I'd just do a slow "break up". Don't return her emails/calls for a long time (like two weeks), then write and apologize for taking so long but you've been super busy, etc.etc. Then when she emails back saying she wants to see your LO, take another week to respond (you are super busy after all!) and then say the next few weeks are going to be too busy because you're having out of town guests, but you'll get back to her after that.</p> <p>Then wait and see if she contacts you again.....she proably won't, but if she does, by then you'll have had 7 weeks or so between visits, so then you can schedule 1 visit for two weeks after that....and keep repeating until she gets the point.</p> <p>I'm just naturally not a big communicator and routinely take a week to return emails and calls from even the people I love the most, so I definitely wouldn't be putting a priority on responding to a former employee that I stopped employing for a reason.</p> <p>And finally, her not listening to your requests as the parent are reason enough for me to cut off all contact. Your LO, your house, your rules. Period. Don't feel bad! It's nice that SOME nannies maintain good relationships with the parents of the LOs they work for--but your case does not fall under than umbrella. Let it taper off. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-869603 Thu, 20 Jun 2013 07:19:53 +0000 tequiero21 869603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I don't think every nanny keeps in touch. And luckily, she cares enough about your son to want to see him. But you have zero obligation to see her, so unless your son was dying to see her, I wouldn't. When u were paying her, u can tell her what to do and she didn't listen. I'd be concerned about her seeing my son if I WASN'T paying her. U know? When I was trying to find a nanny, many of them said they still saw their ex employers and kid. I think it's fine if u guys were friends. U know? But since you aren't, it's all good. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-868950 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 20:11:21 +0000 irene 868950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsStormy: I really appreciate your point of view. Thank you.</p> <p>In fact, I would have fired her toward the end. I didn't because we were a few weeks/months shy of daycare (we were on waiting list for enrolling at 1 year). Toward the last few weeks I was miserable. I didn't even bother pointing out the things that bothered me becuz that always end up in fights. That's why she doesn't know how I feel about her.</p> <p>I have taught kids piano when I was in high school. I did it for a year and i still remember each of their faces, and I often wonder how they are now, but I won't go ask to see them. And how about teachers at daycare? they saw and said good bye to so many kids and i am sure there are particular ones they are attached to. i don't think they ask their parents to see them occasionally? I guess I just don't get it.</p> <p>@Crumbs: I feel scared about hiring nannies in the future too! Can you imagine say we used 5 different nannies, and I have to accommodate 5 sets of requests of seeing my son? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-868398 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 15:55:42 +0000 SugarplumsMom 868398@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: If she makes you feel that way, just cut ties with her. If you continue this it's just gonna get harder over time. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable if that happened to me. In fact, this thread got me weary of ever having a nanny (not that we're looking for one). The obligated, guilt trip you've described is quite frankly, something I would pay to avoid! I would not be able to handle that, even if it is just a few times a year. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-868374 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 15:44:18 +0000 MrsStormy 868374@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I'm glad you emailed her back. I think I have a different perspective than most of the people here, because while I certainly do not think you have an obligation to her, I do however think its nice that she cared about him, and if he was attached to her (which after a year I'm sure in some ways he is) I think its probably nice for you son to see her too. I know strained relationships are hard, and I think it would be weird if she wanted to see your son once a week, but I don't think every month or so is too much. You trusted her enough to leave your son with her for his first year of life, you know, so I'm sure whatever issues were there can't be bad enough to keep her from seeing him occasionally (my opinion does change though if you didn't just switch to daycare, but you actually fired her, I think that's a different situation altogether). Anyways, I do see your side, and it is weird that she is so persistent, but I feel a bit badly for her, and I hope to find a care provider who cares enough about my children to go out of her way to spend unpaid time with them after she isn't their nanny anymore.</p> <p>ETA: I do not think that you need to go out of your way to meet up with her, but if you can, also if I were you, I would continue to let her be the one to contact you, I definitely would not be the one to be doing that footwork. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-868225 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 14:46:23 +0000 Dandelion 868225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Ugh...if after your playdate on Friday, you still feel the same way, then cut ties. Her feelings are not your concern at this point. She sounds a little manipulative. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-868163 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 14:22:57 +0000 irene 868163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Dandelion: Sigh. Latest update. So after that very angry email I got from her, I did write back and apologize (!) for making her feel bad, that I didn't mean she was bothering us (!), I meant that weekend was bad and we prefer week days. So apparently she re-read what I said and she wrote back and apologize she misunderstood me, and she asked if she can come by this Friday. </p> <p>This is fine. Argh. so we'll see.</p> <p>It just reminds me of one thing that I was so sick of working with her. My relationship with her is like a mom with a teenage daughter (I am 38 and she's 24, I think). Everytime I try to ask her to do something, or communicate to her how I feel (that I wasn't happy with her performance on certain areas), she either doesn't listen to me, or she takes it very personally and we always fight. I know I am not always in the right, but I am just really tired of that relationship. She is not very understanding and she would never stand in my place and see why I say what I say. I am ALWAYS apologizing. I am just sick and tired of it.</p> <p>To be honest, if we were friends, I wouldn't even want to see her again. I don't know why suddenly I become obligated just because she missed my son. Sigh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-868117 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 14:07:42 +0000 Dandelion 868117@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>At this point, after her last email, I wouldn't feel bad. I hate those comments of feeling sorry for yourself. Too dramatic. You had to tell her sooner or later and you don't want to appease her once, or else it'll keep coming up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-868063 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:54:58 +0000 lamariniere 868063@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you should do what feels best for you, and if that means ending the relationship between your child and the nanny, then so be it. </p> <p>I was a nanny for two years to a little girl in France that I came to dearly love. Following a death in my family I left the little girl without saying goodbye. Her parents were totally understanding about it and we both made an effort to keep in touch, and even visited when we were in the same cities. It really depends on your relationship with the nanny. I wasn't that close to the parents but they knew their daughter and I had a very close bond and made efforts to maintain it to some extent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867992 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:30:02 +0000 SugarplumsMom 867992@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's so weird! It sucks that she's making the whole thing difficult and kind of stressful. I don't think you should feel entitled to visitation rights. It's just weird. Don't let her make you out to the bad guy when you're clearly in the right here! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867896 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:03:04 +0000 travelingnanny 867896@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2peasinapod- I agree! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867883 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:58:15 +0000 2PeasinaPod 867883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: It sounds as if she thought that perhaps the two of you were friends as well? It's always tough when someone lays down the law and lets you know that they no longer want to see you or you to see their LO. It just sounds as if she had a different perception of your relationship than she did which is why the email came back. Definitely a sticky situation on both sides. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867870 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:55:28 +0000 travelingnanny 867870@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Irene- I highly doubt it! This family was....weird! They told me they could no longer pay me because the dad was going to lose his job (most likely true) but I think the real reason was because the dad always hit on me. It was super creepy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867847 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:50:02 +0000 irene 867847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@travelingnanny: Great. I was *that* crazy mom. haha<br /> (no our ex nanny wasn't live in lol) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867832 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:47:29 +0000 travelingnanny 867832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I keep in contact with a couple families. I actually have a plan to go visit the last family this summer. I lived with them for one year and worked for them for three years total. The bond was mutual and we consider each other family. </p> <p>I have worked for families where I loved the children but the parents wouldn't allow me to see their children after I left. Seriously, one family let me go and told me I had to move out of their house by the next day! Anyway, I tried to stay in contact with the children but the mother would not allow it. It broke my heart because I loved those children but the mother didn't see it that way. I guess in the long run it was better because the mom was crazy!</p> <p>ETA- I just meant call or visit one in a blue moon. Nothing crazy. I don't think a visit every few months or using her as back up babysitter is asking too much. However, you are the momma and you have to do what is best for your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867830 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:47:23 +0000 irene 867830@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daniellemybelle: No we don't go out for date nights :( For some reason we are super cool with that lol. We just enjoy spending time as a family on weekends.</p> <p>I have suggested it to DH (RE date nights) and he turned me down. And whenever we feel like going out, she is booked up anyway because we always decide on the last minute. And if we go out, it is usually in the evening (after LO is asleep) so she won't see him anyway....</p> <p>I used to be very very bitter, but now time passed I forget about it and feel better. I don't mind her seeing him maybe once every 2-3 months, but I hate it that it becomes an obligation. It is just so delicate to manage the expectation... sometimes I am afraid if I let her see him, she'd call every week...etc. and I don't know how to tell / convey to her nicely that I am ok if she sees us once every 3 months, on MY schedule. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867825 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:46:40 +0000 sorrycharlie 867825@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@prettylizy: haha, I was thinking the same.</p> <p>I don't think you owe her anything to be honest. I am currently watching the LOs I nannied (for years) again a couple hours a week, but when I stopped at the end of my pregnancy I certainly missed them but didn't expect "rights" to see them. I left on good terms and had a friendship with their Mom, so she would invite me to visit...but if we had left on not the best of terms - whether I knew that or not! - I never would have felt entitled to see her kids. They're *her* kids, lol! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867802 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 12:42:56 +0000 daniellemybelle 867802@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can see her side of things if she really loves your LO. I guess part of me would appreciate that someone loves him that much, but I can also see how it would awkward / stressful.</p> <p>I know you really don't want to keep in touch, but were you THAT unhappy with her services that you wouldn't consider using her as a babysitter if you have a date night or something? That way you don't have to go out of your way to make plans (they would be plans you already have) and she could see your LO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867392 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:43:25 +0000 regberadaisy 867392@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree you don't need to see her again but I think it's kinda sweet she still cares about LO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867365 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:33:45 +0000 Bookish 867365@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, I don't think you've done anything wrong. If you two weren't besties while she worked for you, and you weren't that pleased with her as a nanny, then no, you do not have any obligation to allow her continued access to your kid. I think it's great that she loves your LO, but she needs to realize that you have a busy schedule and do not have to accommodate her. I agree with @prettylizy: it sounds like an ex that just won't give up! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867336 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:21:02 +0000 prettylizy 867336@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow.... I don't think you've done anything wrong. It was a working relationship and now that its over, it's over. Sounds like she was/is attached to your LO, but that's her issue not yours. She's like the ex-girlfriend that just.keeps.calling.! lol! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-supposed-to-keep-in-touch-with-your-ex-nanny#post-867325 Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:18:43 +0000 irene 867325@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We used a nanny when LO was 0-1 years old, then we went to daycare.</p> <p>After our nanny stopped working with us, she would call us every few weeks to ask if she could come see LO because she missed him dearly. I let her come for 2 times. After I didn't return her call for a few times and replied by email, our communication went to email-based. She still emailed us from time to time, gave us a set date (eg. Sunday for lunch), which I turned them down mostly.... we just have our own plans and it is a pain to have to rearrange just to see her....!</p> <p>She is great with my son, but overall I wasn't extremely happy with her in terms of a working relationship. I guess it would have been different if I truly loved her. I would have gone through hoops to arrange to let her see my son, but no I wasn't happy with her while she worked with us.</p> <p>At one point, I felt resentful.... I just felt that I owe her something and I didn't understand why do I still have to have her see my son after we have stopped working with her.... it's like we divorced and I owe her visitation rights.</p> <p>Recently she got in touch with us again. We had to go out of town so I told her to get back in touch in 2-3 weeks. She just did and asked to do a playdate on Sunday. So I thought, once and for all, I replied with an email trying to set an expectation ( I said moving forward, we are ok if she comes by to see LO afterschool on weekdays, but weekends are very difficult for us). I will see if I can include the email in a gold-only post and see what you guys think.</p> <p>But anyway, she replied saying she is at a loss for words. She felt that I was making her feel like she had done something wrong simply because she wanted to see LO. So now she said she will never bother us anymore and we will never hear from her ever again.</p> <p>I feel like those evil employers from the movie "The Help". Sigh. </p> <p>So, my question is, am I supposed to keep a long-term relationship with ex-nannies because they miss my son...? I have never hired a nanny before so I do not know the etiquette. What was your experience? </p>