https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 21 Apr 2026 09:27:40 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040414 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 12:03:33 +0000 dc yoga bee 2040414@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Maysprout: My dad does the same thing, and taught ist respond in kind since we were a military family. We are bi-racial, and my dad didn't know his father. Grandma would not give any information. I know two races, but not much more. So, it's very sensitive to my dad. He doesn't and shouldn't have to get a DNA test, to respond to nosey strangers. He's an American citizen end of discussion for him. In your case, you have a legitimate reason for knowing, so I would just be sensitive to whatever his situation should be. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040251 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:41:33 +0000 Maysprout 2040251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dad always would just say ' i'm american ' when someone would ask and refuse to answer. A lot of it was because of the army and seeing his father and friends fight for the U.S. but then be treated as outsiders after they returned. If it comes up again I would just acknowledge his experiences before reiterating why you would appreciate the info. Though it sounds like he may not know his ancestry. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040212 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:21:26 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 2040212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2farmmoms: walled you :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040192 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:12:02 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2040192@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rachiecakes: good point. Another scenario I hadn't thought of. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040190 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:11:35 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2040190@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: This. This is exactly why I asked. I honestly don't care, and I'm perfectly happy to tell those who ask (mostly my parents at this point) that I don't know yet, but I definitely want our future little one to have an answer and I want to be able explain to him or her why his or her skin looks different than mine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040187 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:09:07 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2040187@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: @mamimami: Yes, I think I've decided to drop it for now. I can't know exactly what causes his sensitivity, and there are other ways to find out later so that's all that really matters. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040185 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:07:57 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2040185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: Yes, I'm expecting there to be questions. I figure they'll go hand in hand with the similarly inappropriate, "who is the REAL mom??" ones. Such is life, I suppose, and if it becomes too much of a problem in our rural area, we are open to moving to a more open minded community. I grew up in Hawaii and my very fair, freckled skin was often remarked upon or teased, so I think I have some idea of what it's like to not fit in racially. </p> <p>P.s. In Hawaii being mixed Asian/white is called Hapa, and is so common it's practically considered an ethnic group in itself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040180 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:03:31 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2040180@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@FliegepilzHut: Very good point about adoption. That never occurred to me and probably should have! I've decided that I obviously don't know enough about his background to know why this is such a sensitive issue, so for the time being I will drop it. I do think he is serious about looking into his genealogy, so I will just hope that he will share his findings with us when that time comes. If not, we can always do a genetic test. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040175 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 10:00:52 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2040175@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jacks: Thank you! I was hoping you'd reply. I grew up in Hawaii, so had a different experience than many Caucasian people in the US. We were taught that Hawaii is a melting pot, which I think is a dangerous comparison to use, similar to telling kids that society is color blind. I think using a mosaic to describe the many different ethnic groups and mixes in Hawaii is more accurate.<br /> I'm currently living in an area that is predominantly "white," as it is a very rural farming community. It is known to be a fairly conservative area, although still in California so probably less so than other areas of the country might be. That said, my partner and I are fairly open and have encountered zero hostility and honestly have met some of the most generous, and genuine, people here that I've ever met. My hope is that the small, tight knit community will be as welcoming to a mixed race baby as it's been to us. If not, we are not against moving to an area that is more friendly.<br /> As for my original problem, I think I will leave it alone for now. It's good to know there are genetic tests available. I do think that it's possible that the donor doesn't know the details of his ethnicity, and that could be why it's sensitive. If he is working on figuring that out, that's good enough for me. To me he looks like he's probably mixed, but mostly looks Middle Eastern. However, his last name suggests Hispanic. So I'm not sure. I love what you said about making sure your daughter never wants to "pass" and about making sure to acknowledge and celebrate her heritage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2040009 Mon, 26 Jan 2015 06:18:54 +0000 lamariniere 2040009@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@simplyfelicity: agree! I think you should stress wanting to know the facts and not the circumstances of his race (maybe he grew up without knowing one or both of his parents or has other family baggage that weighs on him?). </p> <p>Also, as someone who is biracial (white/Asian) I think you should prepare yourself for a lot of "what IS your baby" questions. Even as an adult, I still get this fairly frequently. The vast majority of the time it comes from a place of genuine interest and curiosity. But I could see that someone who isn't used to hearing this may get annoyed or defensive or find it rude. </p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039755 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 20:13:42 +0000 mamimami 2039755@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @mrbee. Just go for the testing now or when the baby comes, and maybe tell him you totally understand and whenever he has something he'd like the baby (potential baby ;)) to know, you'd love to hear it. Sounds like he's working through some... Issues? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039742 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 19:58:13 +0000 ElbieKay 2039742@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would tell him that you assume people may ask your child the same questions that people ask him, and you want to make sure that your child understands the answer to that question so that s/he can decide how to respond to it. But without knowing the answer, then your child will feel even less well-equipped to answer the question than he will. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039667 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 18:38:49 +0000 mrbee 2039667@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2farmmoms: If it's such a sensitive topic, I'd maybe drop it with him... but perhaps do a genetic test of your LO eventually using 23andme!</p> <p>Good luck with the 2ww!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039664 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 18:36:00 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2039664@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Respond with what you just shared with us, you want to know because your child will also be of the same ethnicity. It important for you to be able to expose your child to their ethnic background.</p> <p> :goodluck: in your TWW! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039584 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 16:31:34 +0000 rachiecakes 2039584@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband is Indonesian. He's first generation. Both his parents were born in Indonesia. (His fathers mother was from Australia &amp; was actually Irish, I found out).<br /> His father was a horrible person and his parents were shunned by their family and came to America. He's really embarrassed and really upset about his family (abusive, criminal). He hates telling people that he's Indonesian and hates talking about his family. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039572 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 16:09:00 +0000 FliegepilzHut 2039572@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you are absolutely justified in asking! What I understand you to be saying is that race doesn't matter to you...and he is highly sensitive at the mention or race, ethnicity, or both. Race and family health histories aside (because I'm sure you would want those, if available), I think almost everyone in modern America takes enough of an interest in genealogy to assume that the question "where is our family from" would come up eventually for your LO. Whether China via Taiwan, or Liberia via the American South, or Argentina via Germany and the Czech Republic...it doesn't sound like it matters to you...but it's worth having some information, so that you can share LO's cultural heritage with them someday. I wonder if getting together over coffee, to apologize for the misunderstanding, and hopefully defuse the situation would help? Also...is it possible that there is a recent history of adoption in his family and so some of these things are genuinely unknowable to him at this time? Good luck...and I'd be interested to know what you find out!</p> <p>ETA: Sorry for the ramble! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039569 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 16:02:56 +0000 Mrs. Jacks 2039569@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is all fine and good to "not believe in ethnicity" but the rest of the world does... And it's important to raise your child prepared to grapple with those issues.</p> <p>That said, our second daughter is African American, American Indian and Filipino and white... So we get "what is she?!" all the time. We have different answers depending on the way it is asked, but we've worked really hard to ground her in all of her ethnic groups. From working on the reservation to going to ethnic festivals and having friends from her ethnic groups-- it's all important. </p> <p>Many people raised 20+ years ago we're taught that we are a color blind society. That attitude has been especially harmful for kids who grow up outside the group that they visually look like.</p> <p>With all of that said, does the donor look African American, Asian or Latino? If you genuinely can't tell, and you are Caucasian, the outward part of this May be less of an issue. That doesn't mean ignoring the heritage, just that they are less likely to face outward prejudice. We're told our daughter can "pass" and we work really hard to make sure that she won't want to :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039560 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 15:50:31 +0000 blackbird 2039560@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>He doesn't believe in race or ethnicity? That's like saying Gravity doesn't exist. It's still inportant to know because of genetic factors. Maybe you can get a panel done by another company when the baby is older. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039545 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 15:19:39 +0000 littlejoy 2039545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: My thoughts exactly!</p> <p>I would tell him that maybe a phone chat (if allowed) would be a better forum. You are obviously very open and loving, and he must not see that you are truly asking for health/future reasons. I would imagine that most children would want to have an idea of their heritage once they're older. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039534 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 14:55:50 +0000 youboots 2039534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I totally agree with this! It is my understanding there are companies that you can send in a blood test and find out ethnicity if it were to come to that (it may even give you more accurate results). Not sure if it is worth it to push harder at this point and potentially cause more strain. You may be better off reaching out closer to the birth (fingers crossed for you) to talk about wanting the information for the reasons mentioned above. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039531 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 14:53:24 +0000 Espion 2039531@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You could approach it from a medical standpoint. For example, cystic fibrosis is more common in Caucasians. Sickle cell in African Americans, etc. It will be important for your little one to know any potential health history. But I think it is important for your child to maintain and embrace their identity. It sounds like the donor has had a difficult time with this.<br /> Congratulations, btw! Hope you get a :bfp: ! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039530 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 14:53:05 +0000 Blueberry 2039530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>His response is a little weird to me. Whether or not you believe in "ethnicity", it is still very much a part of a person. That is just biology. I wonder if he was offended, I get it but you and your partner still have a right to know and it is perfectly normal to WANT to know. I am Mexican and my husband is German. Our DS looks very Caucasian (although I'm pretty fair skinned myself) - I think the hair color throws people off (I have dark hair and my son has kind of reddish blonde) because I am always asked if he's mine or if I am "just watching him". Sometiems I am flat out asked if his father is white. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039527 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 14:50:38 +0000 simplyfelicity 2039527@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's very interesting. Maybe respond by saying that you and your wife are very excited about the possibility and just wanted to know more about your potential little one so you can answer questions when the time comes. Emphasize that it comes from a merely curious standpoint and that you had no intention of offending. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039526 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 14:47:54 +0000 Torchwood 2039526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't see any reason why it would be wrong of you to want to know that. Some races are more prone to certain issues that you might need to get screened for, etc. I get if it's a sensitive issue, but it's not at all an unreasonable question. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/ethnicity-questions#post-2039519 Sun, 25 Jan 2015 14:39:31 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2039519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not sure if this is the right place for a question like this, but hopefully people will see it and chime in if they have any thoughts. </p> <p>As some of you may have read, my partner and I (we are lesbians) are trying to conceive using donor sperm. I just wrote a long post abut it here: <a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-experience-so-far-with-at-home-ai" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/my-experience-so-far-with-at-home-ai</a></p> <p>Anyway, we are using a donor who we found through a great website called prideangel.com. We are so happy with him so far. He seems kind, intelligent, interesting, and he has been wonderful and very respectful to work with. We knew from the beginning that he isn't caucasian, but honestly ethnicity wasn't part of our decision. My partner and I are both caucasian. </p> <p>SO...we did 5 inseminations this cycle, and are in the two week wait now. It occurred to me, mostly because other people have asked, that we never did find out where our donor's ancestors are from. I feel that it's important to know, because they will potentially be our future baby's ancestors as well. </p> <p>So I emailed our donor and asked him what ethnicities he is. I felt that we have gotten to know each other a bit now, and that I was justified in asking because we are possibly already pregnant with his baby! He responded with a short, possibly curt (although through email it's hard to tell) note about how he doesn't believe in race or ethnicity because he feels we are all a mix of everything, and that he is looking into his family tree and might let us know what he finds later this year. He also said that it's a sensitive subject for him and that it's the first question most people ask him. </p> <p>I get that, and definitely didn't want to ask too early, but he's donated already and we are in this thing now, so I thought it was an ok time. I feel bad for touching on a sensitive subject, but I also still feel that it's important to know as it will directly affect our child's life. </p> <p>So my questions is, how to I respond? I am trying to say the right thing, but I'm not sure it's fair at this point for him to just not answer. Surely he has an idea of where his ancestors are from (even if he doesn't want to call it ethnicity), right? </p> <p>Also, any parents of mixed-race children, how do you deal with this? Has anyone had babies who are different in ethnicity from the parents, either through sperm or egg donation, adoption, or any other way I'm not thinking of? I'm in uncharted territory and I know it's only the beginning of these sorts of questions, so I want to educate myself sooner rather than later! </p>