https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 01 May 2026 06:50:21 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2776167 Thu, 28 Sep 2017 08:17:23 +0000 avivoca 2776167@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, I'm like your friend. We basically never hang out with people after 6:00 because my youngest goes to bed between 6:30/7:00 and she WILL let you know about it when it's time. My oldest was a little more flexible, but even as an infant, she was going to bed by 7:30. My friends without kids just didn't understand why we couldn't meet for dinner at 7:00, and even now they don't get why I'm saying no to going to free concerts that start at 6:00. I can't count how many times I've had to explain to people that my kids are a mess if they don't get their sleep, especially my youngest. And then reiterate that if they want me to stay out, they are welcome to hang out with my kid once she is overtired and screaming for bed.</p> <p>I think you need to give them some grace and if maintaining the friendship is important to you, ask what works for their family schedule and try to schedule things that work for both of you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2776155 Thu, 28 Sep 2017 05:45:18 +0000 ElbieKay 2776155@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What @littlejoy said.</p> <p>I am like this pretty often especially since having a kid. I struggle to maintain a balance between child, self, work, and socializing. Socializing almost always falls to the bottom of the priority list. In fact to be honest I have gotten ruthless about activities that do not allow me to connect in a meaningful way with an already-tried-and-true friend. I have almost zero desire to chase my child around someone else's house, especially is it's a large group gathering and I will have little to no opportunity to actually visit with the host.</p> <p>Most of my socializing these days is done either one-on-one (this is almost always dinner with a friend after work on a weekday, while my husband watches our son), or sometimes we get together with one other family. We also go to the occasional birthday party.</p> <p>I have gotten really protective of my downtime because it is so hard to come by. So I have stopped prioritizing other people's social events. It's a little selfish, I guess, but I totally get it when other people need to treat me that way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775379 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 14:07:42 +0000 Alba4 2775379@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't necessarily take their actions personally. We are schedule people and don't push bedtimes or naps too often. It just makes our lives so much harder! My husband also works at least one weekend day, so I tend to decline many social invitations because I feel like our family needs to reconnect and relax from our hectic work weeks. Maybe it's also because we are a two working parent home, but we tend to socialize during the day and hardly ever at night. Sleep is too precious at this stage! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775378 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 14:07:06 +0000 FancyGem 2775378@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlejoy: You made a great point. It seems like you and your friends also communicate well, which makes it easier for everyone to be understanding. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775371 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 13:48:00 +0000 littlejoy 2775371@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Frankly, I'm surprised anyone with kids wouldn't be sympathetic to the fact that having kids means that 50% of plans are likely to be cancelled due to sleep issues, illness, or general craziness of having said kids. </p> <p>My favorite friends are the ones that understand if we have to cancel, and that extend a, "I'm sorry things are hard right now! Let me know if we can help in any way!!" ... We used to do weekends away with our best friends at least 4 times per year (even after having LO). But, at about 2, LO's sleep disorder basically wrecked everything about our normal life. We didn't do date nights anymore, couldn't hire babysitters, and staying in an unfamiliar house with friends for the weekend just couldn't happen. It sucked, and I had to mourn the loss of that part of my life. Thankfully, my best friend just invited us (now that we're on the other side of it) again, and I'm so, so excited to start up this tradition again. I'm so thankful for her giving us the space to work through some hard shit. </p> <p>When there's resentment involved (like you said, "they expect you to go to all of their things" - why do you think you're more obligated than they are?), it's hard to maintain a friendship. I think there's a lot of room for grace in this case. </p> <p>I have 1 friend who sends, "Are you mad at me?" texts every month ... NO! I have a newborn, and a SUPER spirited 3.5 year old who has a sleep disorder. My life is INSANE, and I have to take care of my family first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775354 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 12:58:20 +0000 FancyGem 2775354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would try to spend time with them during the day, like at the park. Some friendships change when they have kids because they may have a hard time managing time.<br /> Some of my friends don't invite us to things. We stopped inviting them to everything we have, but we make sure to invite them to kids related things. We talk from time to time, but we understand that sometimes friendships change (even if it's temporary). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775352 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 12:53:29 +0000 Adira 2775352@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: Agree with this.</p> <p>We were pretty strict with naps and bedtime too, so declined stuff that just didn't work for our family. And that happened a lot, because a lot of people plan parties for 1:00 in the afternoon (nap time) or evenings (that screw up dinner and bedtime). Plus, I don't know about your friends' kid, but mine are sick ALL THE TIME except in the summer, so I've had to cancel things last minute a LOT. It sucks.</p> <p>Friendships are hard to maintain when you both have little kids. Try to cut these people some slack and give yourself some grace too. You don't have to go to everything. Just like they don't have to go to everything. But keep inviting each other if you want to maintain the friendship and know that it eventually gets easier! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775351 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 12:53:01 +0000 gingerbebe 2775351@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If this isn't a scheduling issue with their kid, I would be like #girlbye. I just don't have the time or energy at this point to pursue friendships that aren't mutually beneficial. If your husband wants to hang out with his buddy, fine. If you happen to WANT to attend something the wife throws together because you wanna see the other moms, fine. If you don't mind throwing them an invite to your cookie party because it might be fun for your kiddo or because your husband wants to invite them, fine. But I just wouldn't consider them "friends" anymore. They're just acquaintances and if they wanna hang, fine, but I'm not going to be bothered by it.</p> <p>ETA: We are schedule people. We don't take our kids out after 630pm (they have 730pm bedtimes) and they have non-negotiable naps at 1pm. We pretty much always invite people over to our house for dinner and either they eat at 530pm when our kids eat, or they will have to wait until 730pm after our kids are in bed. We usually try to bathe the kids before the guests arrive, excuse ourselves for about 15 minutes to put the kids down, and then carry on our evening. If we do playdates, its at 4pm after nap is over or in the morning before lunch/nap. So I get being stuck to a schedule. But I'm also really open about WHY I can't make it to something - i.e. I can't because its my kids' bedtime. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775346 Mon, 25 Sep 2017 12:41:27 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2775346@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm thinking that they're really strict with their LO's schedule and can't always make things happen. I bet they don't even realize they're canceling on only your things since you seem to hang out otherwise. Going out to dinner for us was really hard, because we never had a baby sitter that wasn't family. There could also be money issues there too...one night out for us (with two kids) is a $60 babysitting night alone on top of the cost of dinner. </p> <p>I'd cut this mama some slack, and don't feel like you HAVE to go to their things. If you have something else going on, respectfully decline. I take the early years of kids with a grain of salt with trying to make it to things. Unexpected stuff pops up all the time with kids and I think you're expecting too much from them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775196 Sun, 24 Sep 2017 19:38:37 +0000 skipra 2775196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds like you really only try to see these people for events like parties with set times. Have you ever tried to socialize with just them? Like a play date? That way you can discuss what time works best for both of you. We have friends that often can't attend our parties or leave early or cancel last minute and it's not really a big deal because we hang out casually quite often. Just a thought! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775194 Sun, 24 Sep 2017 19:16:46 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2775194@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We had a really challenging first kid and his schedule was non-negotiable. We kind of had to go off the grid for a few years unless things were at our house or planned around our schedule. I would try not to let it get to you. The early years are really tough. ❤ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775153 Sun, 24 Sep 2017 13:12:06 +0000 ALV 2775153@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Bernieboo: sounds like they (the wife really) doesn't much want to be friends. Sorry to be harsh- but if she wanted to meet up she would do it.<br /> Maybe just let your husbands be friends and go to their stuff IF you WANT to, but don't worry about them coming to you or seeing each other as couples. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775148 Sun, 24 Sep 2017 12:38:04 +0000 petitenoisette 2775148@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm guessing it's a mix of prioritizing their kid's schedule (though on the other hand usually you know if people are this way with their kids, it's not like something that needs to be a secret!) but also like what @808love: said, just being more interested in being in charge of their social schedule. The second quality I also find aggravating so I think you just need to decide if it's worth feeling like second fiddle to continue to prioritize the friendship. </p> <p>I know how you feel bc we have two sets of friends in our social circle who show up way late to everything and then often are the first to leave. I finally realized that when we socialize we are ok with letting our LO skip a nap, nap in the car, etc. and they just aren't. That's ok. IT can still be frustrating but everyone needs to parent in the way best for their child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775147 Sun, 24 Sep 2017 12:23:14 +0000 nana87 2775147@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i can understand being frustrated, but they’re still inviting you and including you. i really would just assume it’s a schedule thing as people above have posted. we have “friends” like this (also dh’s friends) who stopped coming to our events but also stopped inviting us to theirs, but then brushed it aside when dh said something yet continued to never make an effort after one get together. so it could be worse! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775145 Sun, 24 Sep 2017 12:00:24 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2775145@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"...but we're expected to come to all of their things."I disagree. You are taking their invitations to functions as must-do activities and prioritizing them so you can attend. Just like invitations come with a yes/ no attendance so do theirs. Just say no. Go to what you'll enjoy and don't worry about the rest. </p> <p>To be clear, it's frustrating when you seem to be putting more effort into hanging out when you get a invite, but attendance is not always a litmus test of friendship. Sounds like you both have good intentions and invite each other to a bunch of things. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775085 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 19:35:13 +0000 Mae 2775085@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also wondering if it is a scheduling thing. We were crazy people about sticking to our kid's nap schedule-- we didn't miss it for basically anything. We still don't miss bedtime. Like, ever. If we kept getting invited to evening parties... I'd just keep declining too. I'd probably be more blunt at some point and just tell you guys-- hey sorry we can't go out that late but thanks anyways. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775074 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 13:10:22 +0000 Grace 2775074@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, I bet it's a bedtime/naptime schedule thing. Dinner is close to bedtime, Superbowl party over naptime. Cookie party might have been over nap or bedtime. If the 1st birthday is in the afternoon, it's over naptime. I found it hugely annoying when my friend's kids were on 1 nap and mine was on 2, because they were never awake at the same time. Also, even before you had M, you had dinner at their house. Not yours, ever? That tells me they really protect sleeptimes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775068 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 11:43:31 +0000 808love 2775068@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just a theory. Maybe they have a lot in life going on and usually the wives get to prioritize social schedules in many households. Husband's friends events come behind the wive's friends' events. There is just not even time to take care of self most months. They are still inviting you that must mean they still care. They must just need to call the shots in their schedule. Maybe seeing a lot of people all at once. I have a friend who doesn't like to do things when I initiate. Then I used to have a friend who never initiates. That is the kind of friend who fizzles out. I would ask: Do you want it to fizzle out? Do you want to still do things even if it is on their own terms? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775061 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 11:16:23 +0000 periwinklebee 2775061@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry. I think it's a bit tricky since it seems to be primarily a friend of your husband's. Maybe his wife is overwhelmed by other things, maybe just not interested, or maybe some combination. There have definitely been situations where I really did want to socialize with people more but life got in the way, and if I didn't know them that well I wasn't necessarily comfortable elaborating on details of why I couldn't make it. I personally would keep inviting them if your husband still talks regularly to his friend, but not expect it to work out to be social as a couple. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775051 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 09:41:19 +0000 Ina85 2775051@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you talk to her about this? Not saying you have to accuse her of anything, you can just explain how you feel and see what she has to say. This is what I would do because it would bother me if I didn't say anthing to figure out what's going on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775048 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 09:29:37 +0000 birdofafeather 2775048@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have friends like this but they're new friends to us. But every party we've had in the last year, they're all excited to go and then back out last minute, usually day of or day before. So basically I just don't plan on them actually coming even though they say yes! 🤷🏼‍♀️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775043 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 07:36:45 +0000 SweetiePie 2775043@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Are they just really strict about their LOs schedule? Since it seems like it's been 3 years of this and their kid is 3 years, it might just be a season.<br /> We don't decline everything but we definitely have to decline some things because it interferes with nap or bedtime too much. Our kid just is not a kid that can easily skip those things and it may seem annoying to someone who's kid can be more flexible. But believe me when I say, NO ONE in the vicinity is having a good time if we force him to skip a nap or stay out much past 8pm.<br /> I will say he just turned 3 and it IS getting a little easier to be flexible. For example we went to a bday party that cut about a half hour into his nap last weekend and we never would have been able to do that before. And in a month we will go to a party that ends an hour into his nap :shocked: which again, Im scared to do but now at his I age I know while not ideal we can probably find ways to make it work. </p> <p>So all this to say, they might have a kid that just doesn't deal well with schedule departures and they may be coming out of it. </p> <p>I just think it's too much of a coincidence that their wishy-wahsiness aligns perfectly with the age of their kid.<br /> Unless you notice that they are still plenty social with other people and you are odd man out? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775033 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 06:06:43 +0000 LCTBQE 2775033@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>if I was on the receiving end of this, I would assume they don't really deep-down care about me/my family, or maybe they don't enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs, and I'd try to shrug it off as an "oh well, didn't work out", even though I might be tempted to be a little butthurt over it. then I'd stop inviting them to stuff except maybe my kid's birthday party and really try not to worry about it, and just let the friendship fizzle out. if the husbands want to get a beer every once in a while, maybe that's all it needs to be.<br /> ETA unless they're very, very close, A-team friends. then I'd say you'd noticed this pattern in a gentle but straightforward way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775032 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 05:08:14 +0000 catomd00 2775032@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe they have something else going on I. Their lives? Just ask and open up the lines of communication if the friendship is important to you. If you talk and they still don't make any effort, then it sound like maybe this one isn't one to weather the storm with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friends-who-never-come-to-your-things#post-2775027 Sat, 23 Sep 2017 00:15:38 +0000 Bernieboo 2775027@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How do you deal with friends who never come to your stuff (parties, dinners, get togethers)? </p> <p>My husband's best friend from college (and his wife and their 3 yo daughter) lives near us and we were all pretty close before I had M. We would have dinner at their house once a month or so. After I had M, things changed a lot bc we couldn't just go to their house all the time, since we both had kids to deal with now. Since then, I've noticed they don't come to basically anything we invite them to, but we're always expected to come to their things. </p> <p>We host an annual cookie party, they've declined two years in a row, we've invited them out to dinner, always a decline or a vague "yeah maybe! We'll let you know". They came to our super bowl party for like 20 minutes and then had to leave for naptime, declined my baby shower.. Really the last party I feel remember them coming to and actually being at was my husband's 30th, which we over 3 years ago. Now, M's first birthday party is tomorrow and they RSVP'ed yes. I just got a text saying their daughter has been sick and still have a cough so they won't be coming. I'm sure it's true, but I'm having a hard time believing this stuff always only comes up when we're hosting something or we have plans with them. Meanwhile, we've attended most of their things over the years (2 annual parties each year and 3 birthday parties, we've gone to all). I've also made the effort to attend events that she plans with a group of moms (moms night out type stuff). </p> <p>At this point, I'm really frustrated and want to just stop inviting them. My husband still talks to his friend often but I don't feel like they're making an effort to actually be friends with us. And I don't like feeling like she only wants to do things with us or see us when she plans it. So any and all advice is much appreciated. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-topics-are-tough-for-you-amp-your-so-to-talk-about#post-2590614 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 10:53:22 +0000 atoz 2590614@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I like your way of looking at it..."its just numbers, its like a puzzle you have to let the emotions of it go and work to a solution". That could help me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-topics-are-tough-for-you-amp-your-so-to-talk-about#post-2590598 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 10:32:00 +0000 MrsKoala 2590598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Family issues and mental health for both of us (anxiety issues for me and depression for him). These are just topics we tend to avoid unless we are really struggling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-topics-are-tough-for-you-amp-your-so-to-talk-about#post-2590596 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 10:25:16 +0000 Iced Tea 2590596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For us, it's money. He doesn't understand budgeting and is not at all realistic about what he needs to save for the future. </p> <p>He is starting to make more, which I envisioned helping our savings, but instead he has been on a spending spree. </p> <p>I know sometimes I make this conversation even harder due to my anxiety about financial security. I grew up in a household that was very financially insecure, and I've been determined to forge a better path for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-topics-are-tough-for-you-amp-your-so-to-talk-about#post-2590582 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 10:05:52 +0000 Chillybear 2590582@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For a long time it was money. Growing up my parents were very open and honest with us kids about what they make, what things cost, making a budget, saving for rainy days, comparison shopping. My husbands family on the other hand always had money, but were very frugal and never discussed money management in their household. My husband always seemed like the saver and I was the spender until i got a hold of his credit card statement and realized he had absolutely no handle on his finances. He always would help me pay the bills but would then put everything else on credit with no way of paying anything but the minimum. We had lots of hard conversations, I took over as CFO, revamped our budget, worked a few career moves and after 3 years were finally able to pay off his debt. I remember saying to him many times - its just numbers, its like a puzzle you have to let the emotions of it go and work to a solution. </p> <p>Right now it probably more family... his family is a little salty that we're moving from 10 minutes to 45-60 minutes away. We're living with my parents until we make settlement so thats been rough. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-topics-are-tough-for-you-amp-your-so-to-talk-about#post-2590551 Fri, 22 Jul 2016 09:29:49 +0000 Mommy Finger 2590551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@avivoca: I think that's the part that I struggle with the most. . . .he's not going to do anything until he decides to do it. I can't make him do it. But I don't understand truly what's holding him back. I'm at a complete loss. But this might require a whole separate post. </p>