https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 06 May 2026 04:25:20 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90902 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 17:38:51 +0000 cupcakemama 90902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your husband isn't a child so probably doesn't like being told what to do all the time. You are getting angry at him because he doesn't prioritise things the same way you do. The only way for things to get done exactly how you want them is to do them yourself. You don't have the time so it's up to DH. It's a bit rich to expect him to do it your way to your standards. You both live there so he gets a say as well. If your standards differ then you need to clearly communicate and negotiate. Marriage is compromise. If your issue is really that you resent working so much and think DH is freeloading at home all day doing squat then address those issues together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90852 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:40:34 +0000 mrbee 90852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: @mrs. wagon: Here's how I'd explain the "cleanliness threshold" from the perspective of a guy who has lived through a similar experience, but from the other side!</p> <p>Imagine that you only ever refilled your gas tank when the fuel tank was just above the E. Then you got married, and your spouse started refilling the fuel tank when it hit 1/4 Empty. Months went by, and you found that you never thought about or bought gas. Then one day, your spouse gets upset because she always pays for the gas and you never do.</p> <p>You might be taken aback. The thing is, you did have a system. If the gas tank ever got close to the E, then you promptly refilled it, It's just that someone else disrupted your system, and then got mad at you.</p> <p>I'm not saying that's a fair way of looking at it... just sharing the flip side of the situation! The reason I mention it is that I do think it's important that each party see the other person's perspective on the cleanliness threshold as valid. I don't feel like my spouse's cleanliness threshold is more valid than my own! She just has a personal preference, and because I love her I've learned to adjust. </p> <p>Now I live under her cleanliness rules (I may blog more about how I made that transition). But it would upset me if she felt that her threshold was more valid than mine! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90836 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:29:57 +0000 Baby Boy Mom 90836@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was thinking that we used to have this argument a lot and haven't had it recently. Two things that changed:<br /> 1- we hired a cleaning lady, so the big things are taken care of and we just have to upkeep. This is huge and really improved our quality of life.<br /> 2- After LO was born DH really stepped up, and now we sort of divide and conquer. We are constantly making little agreements with each other: I'll do the dishes if you put the clean ones away. Or I'll change this lightbulb for you if you take these things upstairs. Or best of all: let's do living room pick up 10 minutes. It's amazing what a little teamwork can do, and that's really it since you are a team. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90829 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:23:56 +0000 Andrea 90829@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I agree that your hubby should be keeping the house neat while he works from home. I work from home and I feel that is my responsibility. However, I don't appreciate it when my husband sometimes thinks I have all the time in the world to do something just because I work from home. I think that is unfair and I still do have a job to tend to and that is my first priority during the day. So I think expectations need to be kept realistic as to what you want him to accomplish during the day. </p> <p>I definitely sympathize, though, because it is hard to get my husband to do things, too. What works best for us is for me to always be giving him to-do lists and set up reminders in our shared Google calendar. We still have tiffs about things that he is not doing but I don't think it will ever be 100% perfect. I've already been trying to work on this for many years, 6 years of marriage and 14 years of being together! </p> <p>But even with things that he doesn't complete, I wouldn't say that I can't rely on him. That would definitely need to be worked on if I felt that way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90823 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:17:14 +0000 Chillybear 90823@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Wagon: There is hope! Thank you i needed that.... </p> <p>I'm so tired of broaching the subject with him and after the tiff we had this morning (as I'm walking out the door) I know another conversation is coming when I get in from work. I just want the conversation to be productive and not lead to more stewing and steaming so that we can enjoy our weekend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90821 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:16:38 +0000 mrbee 90821@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>"If i'm working 50+ hours a week between 2 jobs and commuting and he's in the house working 40 hours I feel right in that he could at least pull his own weight if not do things to make my life a little easier. "</p> <p>@Chillybear: This way of thinking can be dangerous at times! I work 70+ hours a week and often commute 1.5 hours a day, but I don't think that exempts me from being an equal partner around the house?</p> <p>Have you tried having him pick a few chores, and then having him be 100% responsible for those chores? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90818 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:09:21 +0000 Chillybear 90818@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mr. Bee: thanks, glad to know my husbands not the only one</p> <p>@TJBee: Thank you for your comment, i try to let the unimportant things slide. We never make our bed, I probably let the bathroom go a few days too long, etc </p> <p>If i'm working 50+ hours a week between 2 jobs and commuting and he's in the house working 40 hours I feel right in that he could at least pull his own weight if not do things to make my life a little easier. There are things that need to be done to keep the house functioning so that we don't end up living like the people on the show "Clean House." With my work schedule there just arent enough hours in the day to do it all, so do I let it slide and only do the bare minimum or do I continually ask my husband to do the tasks i can delegate to him </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90812 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 16:02:26 +0000 mrs. wagon 90812@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just quickly scanned the responses here, but I just wanted to say that Rob Sr. was exactly the same when he was a student/working from home and I was working outside of the home before we had a child. I had all the same feelings as you (he doesn't have to commute or even shower or get ready, so he should be able to at least clean up after himself and do his regular chores even if I don't get around to mine). Honestly now, a good 5 years later, Rob Sr. has totally changed and our household responsibilites are very split and fair. The truth is that when the baby came along, a whole new set of work came along with it and everything shifted. I realized that I would rather be responsible for all of the household laundry if I never had to change a diaper while he was home. Things like that. Also, after living with me for 5 years I think it very very very slowly sunk in to his mind that our house needs to be kept at a certain level of order, and both of us need to contribute to help that happen, so even though I still have to nag him to do stuff, he is so much better about it now.</p> <p>What I'VE learned through it all is that even if he has good intentions, it just takes a LOOOOONG time to change a person, if they change at all. I'm so glad Rob Sr. changed (he grew up in a home where he didn't really have to do any chores or cooking or anything, but now he really appreciates a clean house and gets grossed out when he sees a dirty/messy one) but it took a long time even though he was trying really hard all along. Haha, I just peeked up and noticed how @Mr. Bee referred to the "cleanliness threshold"... that's exactly what I was just talking about!</p> <p>The bottom line is that this is the kind of thing that many couples have to suffer through to be able to live in harmony. And the title of your post is absolutely correct... if he can't be trusted to do his chores, you actually CAN'T rely on him at this moment. But if you guys both work on it every single day, you will be able to rely on him more and more. There are still days when I feel like I can't fully trust Rob Sr., and he does SO much. This is one of many, many things that make me say "marriage is hard work". You have to try at it every single day. Just be hopeful because people CAN change, and situations definitely change... you just have to be able to work together at it all throughout. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90804 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 15:59:06 +0000 TJBee 90804@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I know this is hard to hear, but sometimes I find it easier to change my expectations than to change the other person. I think you need to focus on the things he does do for you and get less annoyed with the things you expect him to do that he doesn't. Especially if they are things that are important to you and not to him.</p> <p>Here's an example: I like the bed made in the morning and DH doesn't care. We have a king bed and it's difficult to make the whole thing alone. So I started only making my half. I get what I want (my side all tucked in nice to crawl into at night) and I don't expect him to do anything, so I'm never disappointed. Changing my expectations stopped me from being frustrated with him every morning. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90785 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 15:46:49 +0000 mrbee 90785@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: I also suffered from the "cleanliness threshold" differential for years. Often I don't even see the mess that my wife sees! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90775 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 15:40:27 +0000 heffalump 90775@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think seeing a therapist could be a good option. Therapists aren't just for people with major problems. They could teach you how to communicate better and prevent major problems. Having a baby with my husband's help is still so hard. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I didn't have him helping me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90771 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 15:38:22 +0000 Chillybear 90771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>he doesn't completely slack off. He always makes dinner and cleans up on the night i work the other job and he makes sure the lawn is cut and the can make it to the curb on trash night. I think a lot of the problem is that his cleanliness threshold is a lot higher than mine. Pair that with his ability to procrastinate and I end up doing the lion share of chores. </p> <p>Things were a lot easier when he wasnt working from home. I could leave the house in the morning and it would still be clean when I walked in the door at night. With him home all day I have higher expectations and the house is more "lived in" than when I left that morning. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90698 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 14:29:18 +0000 babyz 90698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>my DH was like this prior to me being pregnant. i'd constantly remind him to do chores and he'd sit on it for hours/days and it would just bug me to no end. we never really found a solution; but when he finally did clean up, he always did a good job.. just needed a kick. i don't know why it had to be like that either. fast forward to me being pregnant. he's actually changed quite a bit. a light bulb seemed to have gone off in his head. he's willingly cleaning up and doing chores without my asking. i think he feels bad seeing me go through all the pregnancy symptoms and acknowledging "baby is on the way, must get the house clean" attitude. whatever has made him see the light... hope it sticks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90670 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:59:54 +0000 Lozza 90670@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man, are you kidding me? You have a full-time job AND a part-time job... I feel like if anyone deserves to employ a cleaning service, it is you!<br /> Sure, you are capable of cleaning your house. But there are lots of things you are capable of doing that you probably outsource, at least occasionally, because you'd prefer not to do them or because your time is better utilized by other things.<br /> DH and I hired a cleaning service a couple years ago because we realized that chores/cleaning were the cause of probably 80% of our disagreements. We figured that paying a cleaning service to come in twice a month was absolutely worth not having that tension hanging over our heads and our marriage.<br /> That said, it pisses me off that your DH has a "eh, if I slack off, she'll make up the difference" attitude. That's not cool. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90644 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:47:09 +0000 TJBee 90644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First - I second the cleaning lady!!! Ours comes every other week and I am sooo grateful for her! I don't even need to think about doing heavy cleaning because I know her visit is right around the corner. And there's nothing wrong with having someone else do something that you COULD do just because you don't want to do it. Do you go out to restaurants? You could stay home and cook, but you deserve to treat yourself sometimes because you work hard. Same with a cleaning person!</p> <p>Second - I think part of the problem might be that he is home all day. I know when I have days that aren't extremely hectic, I seem to get less done because there is no sense of urgency to do them. On a weekend, I'll tell myself that I'm going to do laundry on Saturday morning and it doesn't get done until Sunday night because I need close for work on Monday and I can't put it off any longer.<br /> This is why I don't think a google calendar alert will be successful. He'll see it pop up, click "ok", and then continue with whatever he was doing because he can "do the chore later". Then he will most likely never get to it.</p> <p>For daily chores, here's how DH and I do it:<br /> -Laundry - We do our own. Eliminates any and all arguments about who does the laundry.<br /> -Dish Washer - All dishes go into dishwasher immediately after use (none of this 'leaving it in the sink crap'). When it is full, you run it. The first person to open the dishwasher when it is clean empties it.<br /> -Dog Walking- No dog. Easy :)<br /> -Taking out Trash - We take it out together. Every Thursday night when we're both home, we collect the garbage and walk it to the street. It's kinda a ritual now.<br /> Most everything else is done by our cleaning lady. When there's something random that comes up, I find that doing the chore together is usually the best solution because than no one feels they are pulling more weight. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90599 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:27:04 +0000 hilsy85 90599@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: Not sure where you're located, but you should be able to find a maid service/cleaning service on line that comes to your area. You can also ask people in your area for recommendations. I get the whole "admitting defeat thing"--I think a lot of the time, we want to feel like Superwoman--like we can do it all! but I know I can't, and I have no problem having someone else help me out with the chores I like the least, lol, like cleaning the toilet!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90598 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:24:41 +0000 Chillybear 90598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>hmmm... how does one go about hiring a cleaning person?</p> <p>Growing up my mom worked out of the home and my dad did free lance graphic design out of our home. My dad did all the daily stuff and my mom did the deep cleaning on the weekend. We never had a cleaning person. I feel like its almost admitting defeat and hiring someone to do something I'm fully capable of doing? Though i have heard to does solve a lot of these arguments. </p> <p>Though i might get "I'll just wait for the cleaning lady" from him when the dog tracks muddy paws through the kitchen instead of "i'll just wait for Steph to do it" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90592 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:13:52 +0000 hilsy85 90592@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chillybear: haha I feel like that's my DH's approach to things too. he knows that messes drive me crazy, so if he leaves clothes all over the house, I'll eventually put them away. </p> <p>I agree with everyone else, about sitting down with him and making lists of things he should aim to accomplish each day, each week, etc. My Dh is very similar to yours in that he often just does not notice when things need to be done. there can be a sink full of dishes and he'll walk right by them without ever thinking, hmm maybe I should put those in the dishwasher. It just doesn't occur to him! So to be honest, my solution: hire a cleaning service. I can handle giving DH a few things to do each day, but any more than that I feel like his mom. And I can only do so much without feeling resentful. So cleaning service it is! If you can afford to have someone come in every other week or every month, it's seriously amazing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90590 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:12:06 +0000 eeh 90590@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was also going to suggest a google reminder that way it's not you nagging him every day. I think before he sets up the google reminder though you need to have a serious conversation. Is he not doing these things because they don't seem important to him? My husband understands the laundry needs to be done but doesn't care if his clothes get folded/put away a certain way like I do. We have an agreement that as long as the laundry it gets done, it doesn't matter how. Often the laundry wouldn't get done when I asked because he felt like he couldn't live up to my unreasonable expectations. He also cares more about clutter than cleanliness. As long as the dishes aren't piled in the sink and the counters aren't cluttered the kitchen is clean in his book. To me the counters need to be wiped down, the floor swept and steam cleaned, etc. As long as he helps with the basics I don't mind doing the other things because it bothers ME when they aren't done, not him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90587 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:10:30 +0000 kml636 90587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry, that is hard. I think you are smart to carefully consider ttc with him because it doesn't sound like he will step up.</p> <p>My approach would be to tell him to either help more, or tell him you are going to hire a maid. If he is like most, he will b!tch and moan about paying a maid, so that might motivate him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90585 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:09:02 +0000 Chillybear 90585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel like i use a lot of praise and always try to acknowledge when my husband does chores (whether i've told him to do them or not) and of course i'd like the chores done a certain way but i'll settle for them just getting done. </p> <p>I guess i just keep going back to a comment made back when we were first dating (we were like 22). We spent a long weekend at my husband's family's shore house with our friends. During that time i thought of myself as a guest and did my best to clean up after myself and others in my opinion thats the right thing to do. It was our first "vacation" we took together. toward the end of the week I heard him remark to his friend Jack as he was bringing a plate to the kitchen "its ok, leave it on the table, if you wait long enough, Steph will take care of it"</p> <p>It stuck with me and i feel like that's how he approaches our chores. "I don't feel like folding clothes, if i put it off long enough Steph will do it" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90580 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 13:06:32 +0000 Rescuemom10 90580@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DH is very much the same. For him, if I need things done I make a list. Man does he work so much better with a list. If I just tell him to do something, he will do just that and prob forget what he had to do after that. So I make a list with a little box next to the chore so he actually checks it off "the list". When I leave a list out its like it taunts him and he gets STRAIGHT to it and knocks it out. LOL </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90512 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:27:00 +0000 Lozza 90512@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, I am the problem child in my marriage. When I lived alone, I got along fine and managed to cook and clean and do laundry, but it was all kind of on my own schedule and done the way I wanted. Now, living with DH, I find myself chafing at having to work around another person's preferences or messes, etc. I have no idea why I am that way, but one thing that has helped us (and by "helped us" I mean "has helped me to get my share of chores done without making DH miserable") has been to communicate with DH about how he can foster an environment in which I hate doing chores less.<br /> I find that if DH nags me about stuff, or bemoans the state of our house, it makes me feel totally unmotivated. (Maybe because I feel like things already suck and there's nothing I can do to change that, or why bother with the effort... I don't know)<br /> However, if he praises me for the stuff I get done, and takes a more positive/optimistic outlook, it really really helps. I'm way more likely to keep the kitchen clean when DH says how great it is to have a clean kitchen and how much he appreciates me doing it. (I also constantly tell him I appreciate how hard he works) I also find that I'm better about doing stuff if DH is not around... he's sometimes very particular about how he does chores, and if I feel like he's looking over my shoulder and wondering "why does she need to use so many paper towels?" it makes me really frustrated, whereas if he is willing to take LO out with him for an afternoon and let me have the house to myself, that's when I'm most productive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90490 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:17:38 +0000 Mrsbells 90490@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe leave a list of specific "To Do" list on the fridge and that way he can't say he didnt remember </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90474 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 12:07:52 +0000 Chillybear 90474@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All great suggestions, thanks so much for your input. </p> <p>@jessiejo17 The ideas of posting pictures made me laugh. </p> <p>@BabyBoecksMom &amp; @Mrs. Bee: I think having a visual list of what needs to get done (for both of us to tackle) may be the way to go. Eventually I'd love for him to just know that when he sees dog hair tumble weeds maybe he should pick up the broom. but in the mean time a to do list on the fridge might work. </p> <p>@mediagirl - while I'm not sure we're necessarily at that step I may try some good ole DIY conflict resolution I certainly can see how having an unbiased 3rd party to mediate would be very helpful. But he'd have to be willing to put his words into action. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90456 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:58:46 +0000 chopsuey 90456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only advice I have is to sit down with him and have a serious conversation about it. You definitely want to be able to rely on him and trust that he'll help out when you have a baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90447 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:54:05 +0000 Mrs. Bee 90447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>mr. bee wrote about this in a recent post, but what if you set up a google calendar? you could put the daily chores into the shared google calendar so that he gets a reminder every day on what needs to get done that day. that way google is nagging him and not you!</p> <p>we schedule certain chores to be done on certain days so that it's easier to remember what should get done. for example, monday vacuum, tuesday clean bathroom, etc.</p> <p>you can also make something like this:</p> <p><a href="http://pinterest.com/pin/104216178847042425/" rel="nofollow">http://pinterest.com/pin/104216178847042425/</a></p> <p>and put it on the wall so he knows exactly what should be done that week? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90440 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:46:16 +0000 mediagirl 90440@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Petsmart doesn't offer a husband training class but therapists are very helpful when you're going through stressful situations and you're not sure how to deal with them. Would he be willing to go talk to someone with you? Sometimes a third party can help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90439 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:45:57 +0000 LuLu Mom 90439@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Me and my husband have this disagreeement often as well. He grew up in a home where his mom did it all and nothign was expected from the men. I grew up in a house where everyone pitched in. </p> <p>We have made rules that have made our lives a lot easier. Whoever cooks the other one does the dishes (immediately.) Laundry is washed/folded by one person and put away by the other. </p> <p>As for picking up after himself. I started threatening to post pictures on FB of his inability to put cltohes in the laundry basket, and it worked. If he starts getting lazy I pull out my phone and he knows. I'm sure he doesn't think I would actually do it, but the threat is enough to embarrass him to pick up after himself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-feel-like-i-cant-rely-on-my-husband#post-90435 Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:40:26 +0000 BabyBoecksMom 90435@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sorry you're having these frustrations. :-( </p> <p>Most guys don't think about the housework that needs to be done... even if they're home... unless it directly affects them. </p> <p>Have you tried leaving post-it notes to remind him to do some of the things you want him to do? Maybe start with just one or two things that you absolutely need him to do during the week and see if that will work.</p> <p>ETA: I think you're right to think about how he will be once a baby is in the picture. The first few weeks are tough and it's so much more difficult to get even the smallest tasks done around the house. So, if things don't improve before you start TTC, you might consider talking to a family therapist to see if they have some insight on how to make sure you guys work as a team. </p>