https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 05 May 2026 19:50:41 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system/page/2#post-1776144 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 13:23:14 +0000 meredithNYC 1776144@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: It sounds like they have a dream life! I'm jealous. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system/page/2#post-1776049 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 12:56:41 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1776049@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meredithNYC: my parents? lol no. They own vacation property and visit 10-15x/year, and aren't retired yet! They are jet setters! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system/page/2#post-1776024 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 12:47:29 +0000 meredithNYC 1776024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: I get that! I come from a large family and I'm the only one who has moved away. So sometimes I think about my siblings who have my parents going to their kids' ball games and dance recitals, etc. and I think to myself, I want that, too! But then I do sometimes love that my little family has a bit more freedom and fewer obligations to the larger family, I suppose.</p> <p>I don't regret moving away at all, but I went when I was so young (21) that I didn't really "get" how I might feel later in life. I think it's hard, no matter what side of the situation you're in, thinking about the what-ifs, you know?</p> <p>Do you think when your parents retire they'll be more available? My mom and stepdad just retired a year ago and so far it has made a difference in that they are able to come out and visit more frequently. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system/page/2#post-1776023 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 12:46:55 +0000 Weagle 1776023@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do miss being able to pop over to our parents house, well I do. We still get a ton of emotional support from our families though. </p> <p>I still think it boils down to needing to find a great group of friends. In our core group of friends here, there are about 10 couples + kids. Of those 10, 3 have family members that are somewhat local, and of those only 2 can just see their family members for an hour or two at a time, and one of those two are only able to see family once a month or so. Logistically it just doesn't work. Not having family around is just not a unique situation anymore. However, all of us have made it a point to treat our friends like family, so we've built relationships that give us intangible and tangible help. </p> <p>We've discussed moving closer to home a lot, and honestly we think that we're better off being here than moving at this point. We don't want to leave our friends that we've made here. I'm sure we'll move home at some point, but when we do it will most likely be mostly out of necessity and practicality and less out of desire to do so. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system/page/2#post-1775868 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 11:53:09 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1775868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meredithNYC: it's so difficult! We've always talked about moving away, and in the end I said I didn't want to raise our kids so far away from family. So here we are, in a situation none of us could have predicted. Both of our parents are active, so while they're a huge emotional support and we visit as often as possible, neither sets of our parents are built in babysitters. I can call whenever I need support, but I can call even if we lived farther away! My parents visit my brother &amp; sister so frequently so if we ever moved south, we'd see my folks probably as often!</p> <p>I wish we would have had the guts to move away! We fantasize about living in the south but neither of us have the guts to pull the trigger. A lot of "what ifs" swirl in my head!</p> <p>On the other hand, both my brother and sister live out of state. My sister misses out on seeing our kids, and has confessed to me that whole she'd love to move out west, being within driving distance of 'home' is what stops her. She's in a serious relationship and if they ever had kids, she said its hard to imagine ever being so far away from home! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775851 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 11:46:12 +0000 meredithNYC 1775851@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: @Adira: @Mrs. Jump Rope: Yes, I definitely think it depends on relationship, for sure. If you are estranged from your parents or generally just don't get along and don't see/talk to them, that is tough, and it's certainly just as bad as not having them around at all :sad: . </p> <p>@Aimed: I am with you on it being really hard. I really love my family in spite of our issues, and it breaks my heart sometimes thinking about how little they get to see LO. And after her birth and my PPA/PPD, I would have given anything to have had them nearby. Not to come and take over all responsibility for my life, but absolutely to have the occasional company and in-person emotional connection. I actually did consider moving closer to home, but we have never found much in the way of work that would make it work for my husband (would be a NE to Midwest move). Sometimes I still wonder whether we should suck it up and deal with the less than ideal work circumstances to have the support, though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775773 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 11:06:47 +0000 erwoo 1775773@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When we had our second my parents came to visit for 1.5 months. I had a c-section with both my first and second. After that we were on our own. I basically just figured out a good schedule that worked for the three of us while my husband was at work. Showered at night and made my oldest's preschool lunch the night before. Once we got over the craziness of our mornings, then it wasn't so bad after a while. Just expect craziness and your days won't be so bad. Plus, my oldest was going to preschool in the mornings twice a week and then three times a week after he turned three. That helped give me some time with our second and also go grocery shopping while he did his morning nap. I also met up with a friend or two once a week for some sanity and some adult conversation b/c taking care of two all by myself can be a bit boring on the conversation front. As for meals, I had a go to list for almost every meal. It got boring but we all got fed. And house chores, I tried to do small cleanings when I showered and brushed my teeth so that the bathroom wouldn't be so gross. Left the vacuuming up to my husband once a week, but that depended on how often he wanted to vacuum. :P You could always hire someone to come by twice a month or once a week to do house cleaning.</p> <p>Here's a sample of our day from what I remembered after having baby #2:</p> <p>7:00 am I wake up, get ready, and nurse baby<br /> 8:00 Wake up my oldest if he's not up yet<br /> 8:30-9 Eat breakfast<br /> 9:30 Drop oldest off at preschool<br /> 9:30-11:30 Grocery shop or other errands while baby napped in the car seat stroller thingy (one nursing session during this time anywhere). If I didn't have errands to run I'd stay home to entertain baby and do house stuff.<br /> 11:30am - 1pm Lunch and whatever needs to get done at home<br /> 1pm Pick up oldest from preschool<br /> 1-2pm Nap both boys (and nurse baby)<br /> 4-5pm Boys wake up, snack (nurse baby)<br /> 5-6pm Prepare dinner while the boys "played"<br /> 7pm Dinner<br /> 8:30-9pm Shower for the boys (I bathed baby and husband bathed oldest). Now at 2.5 and 5 I bath them together.<br /> 9-9:30pm Bed time (we each take a boy) for boys with books and songs (nurse baby).<br /> 10pm-10:30pm I shower and get ready for bed<br /> 1am nurse baby (the first few months until he slept through the night)<br /> 4am nurse baby (this was a usual occurrence until I weaned baby)</p> <p>My boys always were late sleepers. They get to bed by 9pm these days at 2.5 and 5 years. It's the schedule that works for us. If I don't have to wake up early I won't. Haha! Hope that's a good glimpse of how it can work with two kids without help. It can be absolutely crazy, but routine is best with these little ones. Now that we have live-in help it's easier on the meals and cleaning front, but we definitely still tag team with the boys when it comes to them.</p> <p>Oh, and when I have a doctor's appt I can't bring my boys to, then I just ask a friend to help watch them or the baby and then take her out for lunch afterwards as I try to schedule appts in the mornings while my oldest was at preschool. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775627 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 10:02:06 +0000 blackbird 1775627@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Aimed, I totally misunderstood. I think it totally depends on family dynamic. I don't rely on my family for emotional support at all, nor do I with DH's family. My family doesn't live nearby. I don't call my MIL and talk about how I've had a bad day or go visit her or anything. My parents just aren't supportive at all, and are minimally a part of E's life. I don't have a sibling to go hang out with. I have friends here, but they have their family so I feel pretty low on the totem pole. </p> <p>For emotional support, friends are where it's at! But obviously if you are close to your family, it's moot, and you will miss them. I've had to build a network of emotional support via the internet, basically. And it's really carried me through. You have to have SOMEONE To gripe to :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775578 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:38:56 +0000 Adira 1775578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Aimed: Yes, I can definitely see how that would be hard. We do get to see our family more often since we don't live that far from them, so I really can't relate. Though I grew up living pretty far from my grandparents and we only saw them a couple times a year and it didn't bother me and I still love seeing them. This is all your LO knows, so I don't think he will feel like he's missing out on anything... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775570 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:36:02 +0000 Greentea 1775570@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Aimed: I literally have no support system aside from DH. We have both had a pretty unique life and are fiercely independent (we have had to be!) as a result. We manage! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775563 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:32:31 +0000 Aimed 1775563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: I totally get that, but sometimes you need to see your family in person! I think I'm also just a bit sad that my family don't get to see LO very often - he changes so much in a year from each visit and I feel like he is missing out on family hugs! I also miss that they never get to see him on his birthday or other holidays etc.<br /> But living here is also a choice we made, it just sucks sometimes :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775546 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:21:34 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1775546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Aimed: oh, I'm sorry if I misunderstood the question!</p> <p>I do have emotional support from my family. I never show up at anyone's house but I do visit my parents as often as we can. Sometimes it's as much as twice a week, sometimes we go weeks between visits. It really depends if they're home or not! Their social life is pretty darn active! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775543 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:20:32 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1775543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: you can take that as a maybe, if the situation was different! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775541 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:19:58 +0000 Adira 1775541@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Aimed: &lt;&lt; I meant it more in the way you can drop by to see your family and chat and have someone there when you need them - whether it's just crazy mom anxiety about a sniffle up to your house burning down!&gt;&gt;</p> <p>I do that via the phone or e-mail. I never just drop in on my parents or siblings, although maybe they don't live as close as you're thinking. My parents and my brother all live an hour away from us, so if we're going to visit, it's definitely planned in advance! But for all my mom anxieties and just needing to talk, I'll call her or e-mail her (or more likely, I'll call/e-mail my best friend). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775535 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:17:59 +0000 looch 1775535@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: Can I take that as a yes, removing logistical considerations and working statuses? I agree that my parents don't have the responsibility to do anything for us, but they WANT to and it works for us. Never say never, that's my motto! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775532 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:17:23 +0000 Adira 1775532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meredithNYC: I agree with @Mrs. Jump Rope: that it probably really depends on your family. Xander is 16 months and we've had family watch him all of 3 times. But for the most part, we don't rely on them. If there's a movie we want to see, we see it during the day when Xander's in daycare (I have every other Friday off, so Hubs just takes a vacation day). We use our vacation time to do day dates while Xander's in daycare. Mostly, we just don't go out or we'll take Xander with us. Or one of us will go out and the other stay home (Hubs goes out with his friends a couple times a month and I'm going on a girls trip this weekend). When we're sick, we send Xander to daycare so we can recover alone. Or if he's also sick, we're all sick together and it sucks, but we're his parents and we have to take care of him. I don't really think to ask my parents for help in these situations.</p> <p>As far as emotional support - I still call and e-mail my mom all the time. I ask her for advice or get her opinion on things. But I can do that regardless of her proximity to me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775531 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:16:52 +0000 Aimed 1775531@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: I think that there is a misunderstanding about what I meant about 'support system'! I get that many, if not most people with family nearby can't rely on their families for childcare, that's not really what I meant although that would be nice occasionally too! I meant it more in the way you can drop by to see your family and chat and have someone there when you need them - whether it's just crazy mom anxiety about a sniffle up to your house burning down! It's not really about relying on them for practical things so much as knowing that there is someone there if you need them.<br /> I'm not sure if this stuff can really make sense to anyone who isn't in a situation where you see your family once a year for a week - assuming obviously you have a good realtionship with your family. Difficult family situations are a whole other thang! :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775529 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:15:39 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1775529@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: logistically, that wouldn't work for us. They're close by, about 20 minutes away, but in the opposite direction of Chloe's activities (which are local). Coincidentally there has been major construction the last few years, which is projected to end in 2015, making them more like 40 minutes away.</p> <p>But, they'd have to retire in order for them to be reliable in that sense. They both work full time and travel quite often. </p> <p>I also work from home for myself so I haven't (yet!) run into an instance where I need someone to take Chloe somewhere because I can't. I have a flexible schedule. </p> <p>BUT we are utilizing help from our parents when this baby is born. It's a combination of my mil helping, my husband going I to work late, and my mom temporarily rearranging her work schedule. Chloe has preschool 3x/wk and I won't be able to drive for a few weeks after my section. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775521 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:11:57 +0000 looch 1775521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: my parents are my before and after care, for example. I drop my son off at their house, they bring him to camp/daycare and then pick him up. I pick him up from their house, as an example. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775520 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:10:55 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1775520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: in the sense of them being full time child care? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775517 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:09:59 +0000 looch 1775517@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: So are you saying if they offered, you wouldn't take them up on caring for your kids?</p> <p>I was of the same mindset as you, until I was contemplating returning to work. I hemmed and hawwed and it was finally my mother that basically bottom lined me and told me to go back to work and my parents would help with the logistics. Never in a million years did I think I would be okay with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775508 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 09:07:06 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1775508@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meredithNYC: I don't rely on my family. They aren't responsible for taking care of me or my kids. They're available to help if I ask for it but we generally don't. I can count on two hands the number of times my parents have babysat for us, and my oldest is almost three. </p> <p>Just because they're close doesn't mean they're available. My parents have vacationed at least six times so far this summer. My dad is currently out of town for two weeks, and my mom just got home last night from a weekend away. She's leaving again next weekend for another trip. </p> <p>They get to do whatever they want, when they want to. They aren't built in child care. If they're free and we need help, we ask.. But I don't rely on them. They're mostly just never home! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775485 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:57:03 +0000 Aimed 1775485@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I agree that family dynamics make thinkgs different to people. I am very close with my family (just not geographically!) and while they wouldn't be up for constant childcare, it would be nice just to be nearby - a soft place to land in Dr. Phil speak! - when you just need to get out of the house, someone to talk to, get advice, be able to drop LO off in an emergency, just knowing that option is there would be invaluable to me.<br /> I also miss the family get togethers etc., things like that are a support system in their own important way so it's not really about the childcare aspect as much as it's about knowing that you have backup and emotional support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775448 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:44:31 +0000 Anagram 1775448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meredithNYC: we probably also consider our own families when we think about parents and in laws being near vs. far. Both of our parents love far from us but near other siblings of ours with kids and they help them a A LOT, so if they lived near us, we would get that help. My mom picks up my nephew at least once a week from school because my sister works late and she takes both kids anytime my sister and her husband want a date night or go out of town. My mom LOVES having them over. Plus, mom has them over for dinner at least once a week. My in laws actually live with my SIl, and they do school drop off and pick up, take the kids to their lessons and sports games, takes them to the library, AND my MiL does a lot of cooking. My SIL and her husband both have long commutes, so having my inlaws there are a huge help. </p> <p>I know from reading the boards that lots of people have strife within their families so they probably wouldn't get as much help from their families, but that isn't the case for us, so we really miss not having our parents close. </p> <p>If I could afford another 1 bedroom condo here, I would buy it in a second just so our parents could take turns living here and being nearby, haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775446 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:41:15 +0000 Aimed 1775446@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you so much for your input ladies! I totally understand that nearby family doesn't mean free, constant childcare - I think I mean it more in the less tangible support way. I would love to just be able to pop over to my sisters for a cup of tea or whatever and have my LO run around there with a second pair of eyes on him and just knowing that in an emergency there is someone who can help.</p> <p>We moved to our new nieghborhood less than a year ago and though we have made some lovely friends, we are not close enough with anyone yet that they can really be a support system. </p> <p>I definitely agree with hiring a village. When we had #1, we had little support, DH's family were closer but like so many others families, they work and have their own lives - however it was nice to go there for dinner occasionally etc. But we hired a nanny and babysitters etc. who totally got me through the newborn stage!</p> <p>I think I just worry about being overwhelmed with the idea of 2 without my family nearby, maybe I am having a homesick day :( </p> <p>@Anagram: This is really great advice! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775437 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:34:58 +0000 meredithNYC 1775437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Weagle: Right - I totally get that. But some people saying they don't rely on family at all? I mean, I just find that a little odd. That to me means you don't rely on your family for any support - emotional, physical as in babysitting, etc. It just seems unlikely. But that's just directed towards some of the commenters who mentioned the misconception - not all.</p> <p>To me - being close to my family wouldn't mean a bunch of free childcare. But, it would probably mean closer relationships between family members and my LO, which in my mind is its own kind of support (barring, obviously, dysfunctional family relationships). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775428 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:32:19 +0000 looch 1775428@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I found it very difficult to hire my village when I was living abroad, but maybe that's just because it was the location? It was extremely expensive and the woman that we did find would have probably been best suited to doing a full time gig, rather than working for multiple families. Since I was the only one of the three families she worked for that was a stay at home mom, I often found myself without care that week because I got "bumped" by the working moms, and rightfully so.</p> <p>I am on the extreme other side where my parents do a lot of care for my son, but they are both retired and they offered. If and when it becomes too much for them, we'll look into other options. As it is, we do not rely on them too much for weekend care, because my husband doens't want to burden them further than we already do during the week.</p> <p>The other issue we seem to have is that everyone is very scheduled, so it's difficult to rely on other moms for support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775426 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:31:19 +0000 Weagle 1775426@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@meredithNYC: No one is saying that it's as tough as having them a thousand miles away. But there's this idea that being near family = instant free childcare and support. That's just not always the case for a host of reasons. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775421 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:27:13 +0000 meredithNYC 1775421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely can see the misconception about those who have family nearby getting a lot of extra help. However, I think it's probably a bit of a stretch to act as though it's just as tough as having family thousands of miles away.</p> <p>My parents are very active and most certainly have their own lives, but if we lived in the same city, I am certain that they would babysit for the occasional date night. Instead, since in-laws are on another continent and my parents are a two hour flight away, so it's an issue of needing to shell out for a babysit on the rare occasion we go out (rare because babysitters are expensive!).</p> <p>All that said, it can be done! As other commenters have suggested, it really is a matter of building a strong community through friends, religious communities, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/having-2-3-or-more-without-a-support-system#post-1775408 Wed, 23 Jul 2014 08:19:33 +0000 littlek 1775408@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We live in VA and all our family lives in GA. We have very good friends around though. My parents make a point to come visit every other month so LO gets to see his grandparents a lot. He also skypes daily with my parents. </p>