https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 21 Apr 2026 03:45:46 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1832545 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 15:19:09 +0000 gingerbebe 1832545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I have designated chores. The key is whoever is in charge of that chore leads. So no "correcting" or whatever. You either live with it, or fix the things that need to be fixed quietly, without nagging or making a fuss about it. The point is that there are certain things one person really dislikes doing more than the other, so we'd rather live with it done imperfectly by the other person than do it ourselves. </p> <p>For instance, DH does the dishes 90% of the time and they don't usually get done perfectly. And he puts things away in different places all the time. But frankly, if I cared that much about it, I would do it myself. I've decided just to live with it and take over the dishwashing if people are coming over and I want spotless dishes and glasses.</p> <p>DH is in charge of the garbage but sometimes he doesn't notice if the kitchen garbage is full so I'll ask him nicely if he would take it out for me. And then I will replace the liner and thank him for helping. And then I'll ask if he can take the recycling out while he's at it. I'd rather do it this way because I HATE taking the garbage out and dragging the cans to the street and dragging them back. I also usually empty the bathroom trash cans because DH will not think to empty those regularly. I just dump them into the kitchen garbage and say "all full!"</p> <p>I do bathrooms, kitchen cleaning, organizing, shopping, all of the cooking/grilling/food prep and DH has never once said anything critical about any of it. He is appreciative and doesn't complain about how I do things because he sure doesn't want to do it.</p> <p>Anything else that falls between the cracks we hire outside help. We just hired carpet cleaners to deep clean the floors and we hire a housecleaner once in a while to get a deep clean done because neither of us are going to scrub baseboards or whatever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1832494 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 13:52:27 +0000 maddyz 1832494@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is really important to me that DH and I don't fight about house work. I don't want to ever have the "but I did it last time" fight. I do easily 80% of the cleaning, the work is worth not fighting. I learned as a child watching and helping my mother to clean and from her got the feeling that cleaning was my responsibility. DH doesn't have that. There are a few jobs that are his and he is very good at keeping up with them, they are also jobs that stand on their own. He will help with other things if I ask. I think it helps that our place is less the 800 square feet and it's easier to clean when you are the only one home. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1832161 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 05:42:26 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1832161@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: Welcome!</p> <p>In my house I am the messy one and my husband *thinks* he's neat. When we first started living together the mess kept piling up as he tried to "wait me out" and see if I would clean. When that didn't happen he would declare it's time to clean up and we both tackle rooms. Although, I don't like it when he springs into action on a Sunday morning it's my mess too and so I cleaned. He swept behind me too and I wasn't offended. He's much better at than I am. </p> <p>We ended up getting a cleaning service. We tidy up before they get there- oh clean up time is still alive and well! They bring in the tools and sprays to make things fresh and sparkly. </p> <p>The reason we don't argue about this stuff is because I think both of us have come to the realization it isn't the other person's responsibility to change the situation. If you see something you don't like start cleaning. Now we do cooperate and pitch in- monkey see monkey do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1830234 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 23:05:24 +0000 808love 1830234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cascademom: I'm going to check out Chorewars! Very interesting... :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1830226 Thu, 21 Aug 2014 22:55:32 +0000 Remcatt 1830226@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kakimochi: </p> <p>Miss mochi, thanks for your comment!<br /> YES, thank you's go a long long way. especially being that the cleanliness isnt the real problem; its a sense of unfairness that can tick me. A sincere thank you virtually erases any resentment of frustation. Instantly. I told my DH this today with a smile, and it went well. we'll see where it goes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1826738 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 20:37:33 +0000 birdofafeather 1826738@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>for us personally, we've budgeted to hire a house cleaner once a month. it's a luxury that we should cut, but our mental health is too important. i WAH and DH works long shifts (he's gone for 56 hours right now!) so it's all i can do to feed both LO and i, get some of my work done and not explode by the time he gets home. we don't do set chores because he's gone too much and too often and if i waited for him to get something clean, we would all suffer. i've lowered my cleaning expectations, tried to stop criticizing when he doesn't do it my way (so he can't criticize my way!), and try to give each other grace.</p> <p>my neighbor's said that their biweekly house cleaner was cheaper than therapy! :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1826546 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 19:55:26 +0000 spaniellove 1826546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kakimochi: I very much agree that if it's important to you, you should do it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1826481 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 19:32:33 +0000 Vegmama 1826481@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds like you both work really hard ... Is there a way to hire a housekeeper? If so, before you hire one, you two could sit down and talk about expectations of cleanliness. Maybe talk about what you'd like to take care of, and what he would like to take care of. If there are any weird issues either of you have (like a certain way to do something), explain it or offer it. </p> <p>In our house, communication is key, and I think as long as you set expectations, it goes much smoother. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1826399 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 19:04:13 +0000 kakimochi 1826399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow such a good post, I really liked reading everyone’s comments, and can take some of these suggestions too, I really like the idea of making a list on an app for husband and I to do, which my husband has requested, but it’s almost like 1 more thing/burden for me to do, so I haven’t done it. My husband too is quite messy, omg you should have seen his bachelor pad back in the day….soooooooooo gross. But I do find compromise and communication and how you communicate is important because me being pissed off sounding or nagging just gets him all annoyed (even though that’s how I feel!!!) but asking nicely usually goes so much better, and also thanking each other after completing tasks goes a long way in making each other feel appreciated for what the other does. It also goes so much better if we talk about our game plan for the day or week, how we’re going to tackle who does what, it sets him up in what he needs to do. I know he’s come a long way since his bachelor pad days, but I also know his level of clean isn’t going to be what mines is, and I just have to accept that, and like other posters said, if it’s important enough to me, I should just take that chore on, and let him do other things that aren’t as important to me. I wish we could get a cleaning person but it’s just not going to happen for us on our budget. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825293 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:38:54 +0000 snowjewelz 1825293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If you can more than afford it, maybe it's good to just get help so both of you can feel better! But still I think you def need to talk about your expectations. I can see where both of you are coming from but I think it's something that can be resolved by simply communicating and coming to an understanding/middle ground. </p> <p>DH gets annoyed too if he doesn't clean the way I do it and I either criticize it or re-do it in front of him. I've learned to just appreciate it when he chips in, and maybe re-do it when he's not looking :wink: </p> <p>However DH has a high tolerance for UNcleanliness so I'm really the OCD one that must have my house in order! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825275 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:35:53 +0000 Remcatt 1825275@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cole: </p> <p>Thank you, I've taken a quick look at FlyLady. I'll look more deeply in to it.</p> <p>What do you do in those times of pressure (where you feel like you hit your limit) and you have to talk yourself down? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825259 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:29:32 +0000 spaniellove 1825259@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: DH and I have different standards for what "clean" is, but he is so great about helping out and cleaning on the weekends that I don't say a word about what and how to clean. I figure if the guy wants to pitch in, I'll gladly take the help. When I have the energy I get into deep clean mode and really get into all the nooks and crannies, and we joke about how I do this two or three times a year. (Okay, I'm not the greatest housewife.) Our unspoken agreement is that our approaches are different - he does mundane tasks the way he wants to do them, and I tackle detail tasks the way I want to do them, and they're both important. </p> <p>We did look into hiring cleaning help before LO was born and realized that we actually like our system! You could ask him what kinds of things work for him? And I would maybe not go back and clean what he has already done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825258 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:29:22 +0000 MrsADS 1825258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My DH and I, too, have different standards of "clean". And he's not good about cleaning on his own. Sometimes it drives me NUTS. I don't like to "nag" either, but I have learned that if I want help, I have to ask... in a nice way. Like, "hey, I'm going to clean the bathrooms tomorrow morning, they really need it. While I do that, could you handle sweeping and mopping the floor? I'd really appreciate it and it would help me a lot." </p> <p>Otherwise, I try to do it all and then I explode at him for not helping, and he feels horrible and he's literally clueless because HE had no idea that the house was "dirty". </p> <p>Another thing we have tried to do is that we use an app called Wunderlist on our phone. you can have shared "lists" between users (like grocery list, to-do list) so I will make a "Weekly cleaning list" and break it down to each task so he knows what needs to be done on a weekly basis. He does much better if he knows what needs to be done. Leaving it up to him isn't going to work. </p> <p>And this helps most of the time. Sometimes I still get frustrated because I have to ask/remind him, but I know he's not going to read my mind. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825231 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:21:36 +0000 Cole 1825231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like the fly lady method, one thing she encourages is for you to start by cleaning for you, the idea being that things start to fall into place with other household members as time goes on. They appreciate and respect that you are doing the hard work so they don't want to destroy it AND it becomes easier for them to be helpful even when their threshold is different. Try googling her and reading it because it is a shift in your own mentality but it does help.</p> <p>I also just tell myself that him doing it his way is better than nothing and it makes it easier for me to handle later. For example, in my opinion, after doing the dishes you should wipe down the faucet, sink and surrounding counter. He sees the job as "wash the dishes" so I frequently find myself doing the last part, but that takes me a minute tops and now that he sees me do it he does it when he remembers.</p> <p>I assure you I am not a door mat in the whole thing but I also know I can keep us happier as a couple of I make adjustments in my own way of seeing things since I can't make him see the gunk on the faucet. And, he hates the way I do some chores too so it is just kind of a joke and we both do our best to let it go. We used to have a cleaning person and that helped a lot and now we know that it might be worth skipping a few meals out and having her come back and hit reset for us too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825222 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:19:19 +0000 Remcatt 1825222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: </p> <p>Yes, will do. I'll try it tonight! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825218 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:18:43 +0000 Remcatt 1825218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: </p> <p>Maybe much of it has to do with delineating between "my freaky habits" and "his freaky habits"?</p> <p>I think I don't have a good grasp of that. Maybe I'm mistaking 'putting my all in a relationship' with 'standards and values that are mine is yours...yours isn't mine though' </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825212 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:15:23 +0000 Remcatt 1825212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: </p> <p>Thank you!</p> <p>In the near future, a little help may be possible. But not right now.<br /> "Just because he's doing doing it my way, doesn't mean he's doing it wrong" is a fantastic thing to think! I'll try that. I might even tattoo it on my face...or my hand. haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825211 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:15:12 +0000 MaryM 1825211@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Remcatt: You can designate jobs without being bossy.</p> <p>Talk to him about it, don't just assign him things. Say that you don't mind doing X, Y, and Z, and are there chores he doesn't mind doing regularly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825209 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:14:58 +0000 PurplePumps 1825209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband pitches in with cleaning once in a blue moon. At best, he clears his desk of his dishes and loads/unloads the dishwasher. I can count on my hands how many times he has vacuumed in the last 4 years. Luckily, he has a higher tolerance for clean than me, so I just get to cleaning whenever I feel like it. If he ever says to me anything like floor needs vacuuming or this and that is dirty, I tell him he knows where the vacuum is or that the paper towels are right there. That usually shuts him up pretty fast. This may seem unfair to some, but it works for us... I do all/most the indoor stuff, and he takes care of the outside. He gets the mail, takes out the trash, mows, snowblows, shovel, all the outdoor crap I have no desire doing. Maybe there are things other than cleaning the house that your husband is or can be responsible for that would make division of maintaining the house overall fair? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825202 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:13:09 +0000 Remcatt 1825202@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: </p> <p>Thank you for posting. </p> <p>Its challenging because the way I naturally think is to self-reflect and think critically by asking 5 Whys basically to get down to the root of the problem. This means the conversation style of my DH and I are different. My idea of a conversation is a drawn out 30 minute one, and his is a brief 3 minute one. </p> <p>I'll definitely try designating jobs. I'm a little anxious that it will feel like I'm being 'bossy' once again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825201 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:13:08 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 1825201@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Welcome to Hellobee!</p> <p>When I moved in with my DH before we were married we had a lot of arguments about cleanliness. What he considered clean and what I considered clean were too totally different things. It was probably a good year before we got into a balance of chores that felt right for both of us. We each had to compromise to get there. The best advice I can give you is to talk it out and keep talking it out until you've both reached a point where you are happy.</p> <p>I think it's smart that you want to work this out before starting a family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825192 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:10:17 +0000 MaryM 1825192@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also agree with @lawbee11: on taking ownership of certain chores. If you know you want something done perfectly, take ownership of that and let him take ownership of something he doesn't mind. </p> <p>I hate cleaning the floors and bathroom (especially since DH moved in. Men are gross!). So DH does those and I don't complain about how they're done because I don't have to do them! But I tend to do the laundry and the dishes more often because I like things folded a certain way and cleaned a certain way </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825182 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:08:30 +0000 cascademom 1825182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is he competitive? ChoreWars would be a good tool to completing chores. This may sound awful, but when my husband had a good week of chores, I would reward him with a gift certificate or something to let him know that I appreciate his help.</p> <p>We don't do chorewars much anymore, but it helped to establish expected behaviors. I would also have a serious conversation about cleaning expectations and thresholds. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825180 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:07:47 +0000 MaryM 1825180@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had similar issues with DH when we got married. We had both lived on our own for so long, that we both had ideas of the "right" way to do things. </p> <p>I think it comes with a LOT of compromise. </p> <p>I complained to my mom about how disorganized things became after DH put things away and I figured she'd sympathize with me because SHE was the one who taught me how to organize a linen closet, but she said "You know Mary, just because he isn't doing it your way doesn't mean he's doing it the 'wrong' way"</p> <p>I still get fed up when things aren't as clean as I'd like them, but I try to remember that some husbands don't do any cleaning, and I'm lucky DH even tries. </p> <p>But, we've also thrown around the idea of having a maid come once a month or every few weeks to help lighten the load for both of us. Is that an option? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825175 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:06:23 +0000 lawbee11 1825175@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>First, welcome to the site!</p> <p>Second, I voted have a conversation. I've learned with my DH that a lot of the time he is just clueless about what needs to be done, so it really helps if I speak up and ask for help when I need it. My DH also doesn't like when I suggest how to do something, but I'm a control freak so this is something I'm working on. Could you designate certain chores? Like you do the dishes, he sweeps and vacuums, etc? That way you can each focus on your own tasks (this is how we do it).</p> <p>I don't know if hiring a cleaning person is an option, but after we had LO it was pretty necessary because we both work and don't have time for deep cleans. It's helped tremendously in minimizing arguments about chores. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/maintaining-the-home-with-dh#post-1825163 Wed, 20 Aug 2014 10:01:33 +0000 Remcatt 1825163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hello,</p> <p>I am new to this forum and site, so please bear with me. </p> <p>Having lived with my Italian husband before getting married, I knew of his high threshhold for mess in the house. It is getting to a point now, where our arguments over household chores are overwhelming our relationship. I'm extremely resistant to starting a family under these conditions of keeping up with chores. I miss him. </p> <p>I would truly appreciate any insights to first, put me in check of my reactions to doing chores, and two, stories of anyone in a similar situation and where you are now in terms of resolving this. My family nor my friends are really in a place to helpfully sympathize with me, so thank you in advance.</p> <p>My dear husband<br /> 1. has a high tolerance for cleanliness,<br /> 2. doesn't know what it entails and chores isn't part of his vocabulary,<br /> 3. believes that cleaning up the house is "out of love" and that it shouldn't effect a person to clean for someone else. </p> <p>Recently, we got into an argument about cleaning up the table after we painted together. I asked "will you help me clean the table?" We started cleaning and after a while I told him "don't put the paper there, you'll get paint on the table!" Then I asked him to get the broom and we both cleaned until the job was done. Later I went back to sweep the floor after he had done it, because I could feel dirt under my feet.</p> <p>We were both frustrated afterwards. He was offended at the way I asked and told him to clean, and I was angry that I even had to ask and that he didn't know how to clean. I was so upset, I couldn't think straight. I could barely appreciate that he had communicated how he felt. I thought "well that's a given." even though as a person I want to nurture the things he does well.</p> <p>Maybe once every 3 weeks for 20 minutes we have a good time with cleaning the house. Granted, he is home 4 hours a day, tired, and sleepy. I work from home and have a long workday. </p> <p>Looking forward to your comments,<br /> Remcatt </p>