https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 28 Apr 2026 01:47:57 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2802100 Mon, 05 Feb 2018 11:18:02 +0000 krispi 2802100@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 2.5 year old's favorite saying sometimes seems to be "No, I don't want to!" About once a week or so, we also get bad reports home about her not listening at daycare. So I'd say it's typical for the age. Just in the last week or so, what seems to work for me is to tell her "What do you say when mommy (or daddy or teachers) tell you to do something? You say ok!" Then I get her to repeat ok after me. Then I tell her again what I need her to do, I say ok with her, and most of the time she'll do it. I also found that instead of telling her it's time to clean up her toys, I tell her mommy really needs her help with something. She loves to help, so that usually motivates her to clean or whatever it is I need her to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2802080 Mon, 05 Feb 2018 10:14:41 +0000 snowjewelz 2802080@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Super normal! I have a 3 year old. When verbal requests/commands don't work, I will just tell her it seems like you need my help to ______ and then just force it. I think at this age it's too much to expect them to respect our wishes and listen just base on what we say. Btw this is all from Janet Lansbury. I def don't follow her completely but a lot of her techniques and insights are helpful and work for us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801946 Sun, 04 Feb 2018 10:57:10 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2801946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoyfulKiwi: Thank you! I'm going to pay attention to how I correct her, but I'm thinking in a subconscious effort to model polite behavior for her, I probably have not been clear/firm enough with actual non-negotiables.<br /> Also, thank you for the last paragraph. I think it's exactly what I needed to hear and I agree with you completely. She's been with us over 18 months now, is pretty darn secure (as is evidenced by her testing testing testing) and I think the last suggestion about acknowledging frustration is spot on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801916 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 22:01:27 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2801916@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Being tired makes everything harder; like our brains literally can’t function their best without enough sleep. Remembering that helps me release some of the guilt/shame I feel about losing my cool. Then I’m able to get into a better headspace and deal with my kids more calmly.<br /> Something I noticed was that your examples included the word “request” a lot, but the actions seem non-negotiable. Maybe try changing your phrasing to be more matter-of-fact and firm. Instead of “Please get off the coffee table”, try “I can’t let you climb here, it’s not safe. You can get down or I can help you.” That way you’ve set a clear expectation and path forward. If she ignores, you just help her down. This won’t solve the boundary-pushing (which is 100% normal and healthy), but it’s a more neutral way of dealing with it. Also, you could try to look for some ways to create “Yes” space for her so you don’t have to be on top of her physically (“You want to run in the parking lot, but that’s not safe. Let’s hold hands and when we get to xyz you can run.”<br /> Try not to beat yourself up over using a harsh tone sometimes. I think it’s really healthy for kids to see a range of reasonable emotions. It’s okay for an adult to become frustrated and even use a sharp tone and it’s possibly even beneficial in her situation to hear you change your tone, acknowledge it (“I am feeling frustrated because I want you to do xyz and you aren’t. Let me take a deep breath to relax before I help you.”) and then see you still love &amp; care for her even if you get upset. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801888 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 19:13:12 +0000 wrkbrk 2801888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: Totally understand. You guys have a lot on your plates!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801883 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 18:22:39 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2801883@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Pickle: It's so hard! We have a 4 month old for the weekend and between his normal night feedings and O's 4:30 wake up, I'm so tired. He sleeps till 7:30, but his longest stretch is the last one and that means I don't get to enjoy it because I'm up with her! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801882 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 18:18:03 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2801882@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: I completely agree about sleep deprivation! I have a 5 month old too and after nights she doesn’t sleep well I struggle so much more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801875 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 17:43:19 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2801875@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBucky: Two is so fun, but so hard. We only have had 2 intermittently, but would like to have 2 permanently eventually. But every time they go home after a weekend or whatever we sure enjoy the one on one with O! We have a 4 month old this weekend who is the easiest, happiest baby, but we are still exhausted managing the two of them. I'm sure it's easier when it's a permanent thing and everyone gets used to it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801871 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 17:39:50 +0000 MrsBucky 2801871@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: don’t feel bad, me neither! I totally yelled and my son and slammed a door yesterday. I calmed down and asked him to come over so I could apologize for it. It’s not about being perfect, just good enough and consistent as much as you can. I know this is going to be tested for me big time when #2 comes along in September. Hang in there! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801870 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 17:33:47 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2801870@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@peaches1038: I get this, and do it as much as possible, but realistically I can't be physically on her at all times. I have to cook, take care of baby (just for the weekend, but still), etc. I guess I feel like at this point her language and comprehension is good enough she should be able to have a few minutes at a time without being within arms reach. And she can, most days. I just have had a few bad ones in a row. That combined with our 4:30-5 am wake ups and we are all tired and cranky!</p> <p>@MrsBucky: I do like listening to her podcasts too, although I am not capable of maintaining the emotion-free tone at all times. Work in progress. </p> <p>@wrkbrk: I guess it's the times when I can't physically be right there that are the most frustrating. Like when I have a baby staying with us and have to take care of him (this weekend). </p> <p>@gingerbebe: Thanks. I always appreciate your specific, concrete advice. It is really helpful. I want to come to you for parenting classes when we come through your area on our way to my in-laws! :wink: </p> <p>@Mrs. Pickle: Thanks. It is exhausting! I think our main issue right now is that we are all sleep deprived. That just compounds the normal 2 year old issues. </p> <p>@Kemma: Yes! This is totally it with her. It's all normal behavior, I know, but I'm struggling to find the balance of consistency but still fun. I don't want to spend my days annoyed at her and she doesn't want to spend her days in trouble. I find that if I can start the morning off in a positive way and really praise her for being helpful, being a good listener, etc. the rest of the day is so much better. We are having a good day today, despite the 4:30 wake up this morning.</p> <p>@MamaCate: I think the staying calm is the hardest part. I'm pretty consistent, but definitely get frustrated. I've never really lost my temper with her but my tone changes and she has some serious hypervigilance due to early trauma, so the combo is never good. She used to get a scared expression, which was an easy quick reminder for me to watch my tone. Now she gets a kind of sassy expression and gets more defiant. Harder to deal with calmly! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801860 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 15:26:09 +0000 MamaCate 2801860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: this totally sounds like age appropriate testing—she is doing her 2 year old job of trying to find where the limit is, and then seeing if there is any wiggle room this time, or the next time, or the next time. Especially the climbing on the table while looking at you—she is gauging your reaction. The less wiggle room you give, the less fun it is for her, so that is your parent job. Totally agree with consistent consequences.</p> <p>We had good luck with similar things as mentioned above: “if you don’t hold my hand in the parking lot I am going to pick you up”. The more you can stay calm, keep it light but consistent, and find ways to interact that don’t require constant limits, the easier it will be to get through this. For example if you go run errands where there are a lot of rules—you have to sit in the cart, you have to hold my hand, you have to get buckled—then try to build some free play time in when you get home where she can be in charge and you can recharge both of your batteries. I think that might make it a little more positive? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801854 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 14:49:27 +0000 Kemma 2801854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just my two cents but my kids are ALWAYS easier to manage when I work with them rather than against them but it is SO easy to get trapped in that negative cycle!</p> <p>This age is all about finding their independence and “asserting their authority” so maybe find some jobs she can handle herself so she can be independent in other ways? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801852 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 14:35:02 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2801852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Her behavior is very normal, and it’s exhausting! With the car seat I give DD one chance to sit correctly. She likes to sit herself and buckle her chest clip. If she doesn’t then I tell her “you didn’t listen so mama has to do it.” With walking away or ignoring out in public she gets a warning and then goes in the stroller. She would rather walk so a tantrum follows. I just keep saying “you have to listen to mama so you can stay safe.” I ignore the tantrum and any looks. Climbing things gets one verbal “please get down,” and then if she doesn’t she goes to time<br /> out for two minutes. Time out is not facing the corner or anything like that. It’s sitting in one area of the living room. When she was younger I’d give multiple verbal warnings or reminders and physically remove her from things over and over. If I see her about to do something she’s not supposed to now I will say “remember what happens when you do x.” </p> <p>I also spend a lot of time talking and ignoring tantrums because of boundaries. Janet Lansbury is a great resource for toddlers testing limits! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801848 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 14:11:21 +0000 gingerbebe 2801848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I mean, consistent consequences is what's important. I give them options or chances to get into the carseat or off the table or whatever (count to three, ask if they need help, etc.) if its feasible, but if they do not comply after a reasonable period of time, then I say the same thing every time - "okay, we're not listening to Mommy and I need you to be safe, so I'm taking you off the table so you don't get an owie." Over time, its enough for me to verbally count to 3 or say "off, we're going to get an owie" and they will get down. With my kids now, they know they shouldn't do certain things, they comply quickly when I catch them, but its about catching them and applying the same. damn. nag. or consequence every time. </p> <p>But initially, when I'm setting a new rule or consequence I just have to repeat myself a zillion times. And things like health and safety are non-negotiable. You will wash your hands, you will get in your carseat, you will take a bath, we will brush your teeth, you will hold my hand when we walk in a parking lot, you will put your hand on the car door if I'm getting someone else in and out, etc. If you don't comply after counting or asking or whatever, you will get forced to do it, so over time they understand they have a choice of HOW these tasks get done. We always end the health and safety commands with "because I don't want you to get an owie" and again, its what they seem to understand best from a young age. </p> <p>We also do 2 kinds of timeout. We do the traditional "sit in the time out spot" thing - usually for howling tantrum type situations, hitting someone, throwing something, etc. For willful disobedience, ignoring, etc. my husband instituted a sort of time-in. He seats the child on his lap facing out, crosses their arms and holds them in place until they are done having a fit and calm down. Then he asks if they are ready to listen, goes over the expectation or rule, makes them acknowledge what he said, asks for an apology, gives a hug and I love you, an explanation of why the time-in occurred, and then lets them go. This has worked better on our 3 year old than our 20 month old, who is a bit young for that.</p> <p>*ETA at 27 months, the most effective timeout spot was a spare pack n play in the corner of our dining room (where we usually didn't hang out). DS1 would obviously get out of it if he wanted to, but it was clearly a context where he knew he was in trouble if he was put in there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801837 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 12:54:16 +0000 wrkbrk 2801837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yep, same as above. And I know this is what they do in his daycare class too (all kids are between 24-28 months). Physically corral her. If I were not right on top of DS he would ignore me too! Haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801819 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 10:59:04 +0000 MrsBucky 2801819@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ditto what @peaches1038: said. It’s exhausting at first but if you’re consistent with intervening before you’re annoyed, the testing will diminish eventually. It’s hard but worth it. I also ask “can you get into your car seat or do you need help?.... it looks like you need help, I’m foing to count to five and then I will help you.” Same with behavior she needs to stop- she knows what she isn’t supposed to do, so he first time she does it is her asking you for help. So physically (but not meanly) help her stop. I even say “I’m going to help you stop climbing on the table.” Or whatever. Janet Landsburys podcasts help me refresh my mindset and reframe those behaviors for me when I’m getting frustrated. The worse I feel (im in my first trimester now) the more my son tests me, which sucks, so I get how draining it is. Anyway, good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801818 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 10:44:27 +0000 peaches1038 2801818@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In the instances that you describe, I would say “it looks like you are having trouble sitting in your seat/listening/being safe so I’m going to help you.” And then I would physically put her in her car seat/take her off the table/pick her up in the parking lot. I find that my 26 month old doesn’t respond nearly as well if I’m telling him to do or not do something from across the room. Most of the time, I have to be right on him, which is exhausting but successful. Also setting up expectations might help too. “We are going grocery shopping now so we are going in the car. Do you want to get in your seat by yourself or have me do it?” When we get out do want to walk into the store holding my hand or do you want to be carried?” That way, she has some feeling of control, but you’re still getting what you want </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/2-year-old-defiance#post-2801809 Sat, 03 Feb 2018 09:33:08 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2801809@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I need some concrete ideas of how to handle O's new found defiance. She's not having big tantrums or screaming "NO" at me, but she's basically ignoring every request or correction. My go-to is if-then statements but I'm not sure how effective that is at this age (27m) and even if it is somewhat effective, I hate spending my day basically threatening her. It sets such a negative tone and she definitely escalates the defiant behavior when she knows I'm already frustrated. </p> <p>Examples: refusing to get in car seat by stalling in every way possible (standing up, grabbing for toys/water/book/socks/whatever, playing games with whoever else is in the car, basically just pretending I'm not there)<br /> ignoring requests to stop climbing on the coffee tables-or climbing on them while staring at me and smiling<br /> bothering the dogs constantly<br /> ignoring me when we are out doing things to the point that it becomes borderline dangerous (trying to walk away in the parking lot, etc)</p> <p>I feel like she acts like we are total pushovers, but we aren't (I don't think). Is this just normal 2 year old testing? If so, how do you have semi-positive days when they test ALL.THE.TIME? Are we missing something? </p>