https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 25 Jun 2026 01:32:00 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617526 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 22:56:30 +0000 Kemma 2617526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This might be a stupid question but what do you think your LO is trying to tell you through her behaviour? And as an alternative to time out and maybe more of a "natural consequence" rather than a punishment could you explain that if she can't play nicely with the baby then she needs to go and play on her own and can't play with you? I guess it's more of a reframing of time out but sometimes a shift in intention can help? ETA it might also take the power struggle out of it because rather than battling with her to do something she doesn't want the choice is in her hands.</p> <p>And apart from that I really have no advice, my almost four year old is bring a wee bit unpleasant at the moment and I'm not really winning at the mum game! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617497 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 21:11:21 +0000 Anagram 2617497@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I don't ignore it at all, I just try to limit time outs to the very rare occurrence (maybe....twice a month? once a week?). The rest of the time, I just try my best to keep them separated, or to shadow them. Sometimes (like tonight), that means the older one is playing by herself on the balcony with sidewalk chalk, and the younger one is in my arms while I prepare dinner one handed.</p> <p>Or I set up the older one doing something (stamping with ink, drawing, painting) at the dining room table where LO2 can't reach, and LO2 is on the living room floor playing with blocks.</p> <p>And sometimes, obviously, I fail and I'm doing something else and something will happen--and I will tell LO that we don't hit, or we only use gentle hands, or whatever....I just try not to punish. I am firm with her about the boundaries though.</p> <p>Also, LO2 is now 13 months and has been walking since 10 months and she's 24 lbs to LO1s 29 lbs, so they are getting to the stage where they each give as good as they get. LO2 can be a beast herself. I definitely haven't punished her or done time outs with her--mainly just redirection for both of them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617423 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 18:26:13 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617423@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: oh no, I didn't take it that you were calling me thoughtless. Just that we are in the same boat with the same issues. And yeah it's nice to know it's common even if it's so insanely frustrating. And yeah- the worst is when I am soma do- over something so not important- and she's just crying asking me to hold her and I just don't want to! And I don't really know if I should give her the hug so she knows I still love her and all, or if that's reinforcing the behavior- do something you know you're not supposed to do until mommy yells, then when she yells cry and ask for a hug and mommy will comfort you- yay attention. Ugh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617417 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 18:11:19 +0000 Mama Bird 2617417@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: ok, that's another great point! I've been puzzling over the same thing... why do we spend all that quality time together and then he throws some ridiculous tantrum like we weren't just getting along fine? </p> <p>@Foodnerd81: oh gosh, I didn't mean to call anytime else thoughtless! I hope it didn't sound that way. I'm just so mad at myself for my behavior the last few weeks. Everything you're saying sounds so familiar. DS will also drive me up the wall and then cry and ask me to hold him. And I'll refuse because I'm hoping mad and trying not to get even madder. And then I'll lie awake at night and wish I could do the whole day over. </p> <p>Well, on the bright side this seems to be pretty common toddler behavior... that's good to know! It helps to step back and get a fresh perspective. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617384 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 17:07:29 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617384@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: you could be right. I thought I was filling her tank of attention but maybe that makes it worse when she has to share it. </p> <p>@JoyfulKiwi: she definitely gets worse when we get mad. It's extra infuriating- I get exasperated and then she starts crying and asking me to hold her and I'm like, no I'm holding the baby you pushed, why are YOU crying? DH and I have both been know to say, no, YOU don't get to cry now. Which we know isn't helping! I'm working on just being calm and neutral- this approach sounds like it might work with her if I can keep calm. And yes, I'm really hoping things all settle down quickly once we move and school gets going. Luckily we will still see a lot of her friends that she has known since birth once a week. But the poor thing has been waking up really early and I can only hypothesize that it's little toddler anxiety. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617381 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 16:56:32 +0000 mrbee 2617381@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>&lt;&lt; I make a point of spending one on one time giving the big girl my full attention during the baby's morning nap. And she will be so good and helpful and and then she will play happily by her self. Then as soon as her sister wakes up she starts misbehaving- whether it's being rough with the baby or just general not listening stuff- like I need to close a door and she stands in the doorway and just stares at me as I ask her to move, until I physically pick her up and move her and she starts screaming. After we just spent a really good hour together. &gt;&gt;</p> <p>@Foodnerd81: Is it possible that giving her your full attention during that hour is maybe adding to the problem? Maybe she loves the extra attention, and that's what's causing the behavior issues once baby wakes up and she loses it!</p> <p>I only say this because I've noticed that often when I am really present and attentive and then have to go do something else, my kids get more upset than if I hadn't focused on them at all. So now I try to balance it a bit more, and I've noticed less behavior problems.</p> <p>So in summary, maybe you're just too good of a mom for that one hour!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617380 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 16:40:21 +0000 Cherrybee 2617380@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is also something I'm struggling with. Not so much the acting out towards her sister (she mostly ignores her sister) but her acting out when her sister is getting attention - toileting "accidents", throwing things and, oh, the hitting. I really want to be less ragey. I'm not a shouter, but when I fly off the handle I really go. </p> <p>@Anagram: So what *do* you do? I am totally sold on the idea of gentle parenting and love Janet Lansbury but I always feel like the things I read fall short of telling me what to actually do. Like, Elliott needs to know not to hit. But telling her over and over not to hit isn't stopping her from doing it..... She needs to know that really, really bad shit will go down if she hits..... I am scared that ignoring the behaviour will perpetuate it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617328 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 14:41:45 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2617328@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you're 100% right that the root of this are the life changes happening, which is actually good because you can ride it out. My son is nearly 4 and baby sister is 8 months. He went through some emotional transitions in school and took out his frustration on the baby (he'd been a dream with her the first 6ish months!) Disclaimer, we try our best to gentle parent and I dig Janet (although I like Hand in Hand Parenting more). This worked for us:<br /> First, we'd try to head it off but that only works like 10% of the time in real life. We'd remain as calm as possible, not say anything to my son (this is hard! We want to yell Stop/No/Etc at him), and go straight to the baby; totally ignore him not in a cold shoulder way or with a look, just act like he didn't do anything. We check her or talk to her, usually "oh are you alright? F took that/yelled at you/whatever. It's going to be ok." Then we'd talk to him as calmly as possible, "you yelled at c and that's scary for her. If you're mad and want to scream you can go outside/to your room/whatever. I cannot let you scare/hurt/be mean to C, we have to take care of her. If you're unsafe again you will need to find a different place to be." We'd enforce playing in a different space until he was calmer. The key for our son is to remain neutral because exasperation or frustration from us makes his behavior 100x worse.<br /> It's been several weeks and the incidents are way down. His school stuff is slowly stabilizing and we're getting better at reading his cues of being about to loose it, too. </p> <p>It's so so hard to be a patient momma. I sometimes like to read gentle parenting stuff because it gives me focus, but other times it makes me feel like the shittiest idiot to ever raise a child. I can even only manage that routine above like 70% of the time! The rest I'm like "dude, really?!?!" Just keep trying! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617283 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 13:44:23 +0000 gingerbebe 2617283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So not the same situation but our 2 year old son has an almost 4 month old brother. He typically adores his brother, but we have lots of rough handling issues where he chokeholds his brother or yanks a baby toy away or sits on his brother, etc. Usually not malicious but we've noticed a correlation between when he actually hits or acts aggressively toward his brother and when he's frustrated by the baby's physical limitations. This has become more so as the baby gets physically bigger and more animated (smiles, laughs, coos, rolls, moves) so my son THINKS the baby should be able to play. When the baby was a newborn he mostly treated him like a puppy and just petted him because he was tiny and just cried or slept. But now he wants to play! In short, he would like to hug and hold and wrestle or chase his brother and play together but the baby can't and then when we try to stop him from harming the baby he gets mad AT the baby for being a buzzkill and smacks him on the head or something. We try not to intervene too much because we feel like they will be roughousing each other forever and frankly the baby is going to have to deal with it the same way the older kid is going to have to deal with his pest younger brother forever. But we expect kindness and gentle hands like with anyone else and we have put him in time outs when he's intentionally hurt his brother out of spite. If it's more pranking type stuff where he thinks it's funny then we correct and ask for gentle touches and give positive reinforcement when he follows through. We've also talked a lot about how his brother is a BABY and needs help and point babies out in books and in public to get him to realize these are different kinds of humans. Now in public he will point out babies and we think he's getting that he has to be more careful around them because he sorta tip toes cautiously towards them and looks for us to see if it's okay to approach. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617249 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 13:01:55 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: we aren't thoughtless moms, but I know what you mean. After the fact, especially trying to sleep at night, I go over the times I yelled or lost my temper and I'm like, if I am flying off the handle over these things, and I've had 35 years to work on controlling my emotions, she's had 3. And I agree- it's when she hurts her sister that I really lose it. Other things I can handle better, even pushing her friends (also not ok of course!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617216 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 12:29:19 +0000 Mama Bird 2617216@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm, I like the approach of thinking "what if this was at day care". I'll have to try that. For some reason I don't fly off the handle if I hear that one of the kids got pushed at day care, but I react completely out of proportion when DS hurts DD in front of me. He doesn't even do it on purpose usually, he can just be really... um... thoughtless. But a thoughtless toddler is totally normal. I have to stop being the thoughtless adult :bummed: I wish they had a better mom, really, but sadly that's not happening. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617212 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 12:26:06 +0000 cam 2617212@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So I'm not sure if this would help or totally backfire but what if the result instead of negative attention for the toddler was positive attention for the baby? Would that discourage her maybe? We aren't at this stage yet so just an idea. Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617195 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 12:08:51 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617195@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: yup that's the exact one we have. I bought it from Craigslist but actually cleaning it was harder than u expected. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617173 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 11:33:42 +0000 Truth Bombs 2617173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PinkElephant: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00KU11008/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&#038;psc=1" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00KU11008/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&#038;psc=1</a> </p> <p>We have this one. It would be nice if it had a gate but I didn't want to pay any more for it since it's a limited use item and it does the trick. Plus, if there was a gate, my 3.5 year old would probably figure out how to get in :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617155 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 11:06:17 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617155@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PinkElephant: I have a Northern States 6 panel play yard. It's fine- we have the basic one with no gate so we hav to climb over the side to get in I think. It was good when we had one baby to keep her contained and safe, but it's been in storage since we reconfigured to make a play area for her as she got bigger. Looking forward to having space to have it out again as our almost 9 month old can move fast and is drawn to the exact corners I don't want her in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617139 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 10:37:48 +0000 avivoca 2617139@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PinkElephant: I like this idea of allowing her to tantrum but she has to do it away from me. Mine is 3 and being super pregnant, I just do not have the patience to deal with it without reacting in a way that I hate (yelling, mainly). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617138 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 10:35:18 +0000 PinkElephant 2617138@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: what play yard do you have? I'm seeing one in my future... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617136 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 10:31:47 +0000 PinkElephant 2617136@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@FoodNerd81: I'm totally with you on just not being able to handle Janet sometimes. I like her ideas in theory, but like you, I'm a real person with my own wants, needs, and stuff I just have to get done!...One thing I've been trying recently with my newly four year old when she screams/tantrums like that is to send her somewhere else to let her feelings play out. I'll tell her it is fine to be mad, but until she can calm down/express herself like a big girl, she needs to do it in her room/downstairs/wherever I'm NOT. I'll physically take her to that spot and will gate her out of, say, the kitchen (or wherever I am) if necessary. Usually she wants to be with me more than anything, and diets herself out pretty quickly. As far as roughness with baby...if it's any consolation it'll be a whole new ballgame in a few months when your LO is walking and can defend herself a bit better. At 2 and 4, my older DD is now in more danger from the little one! :) and as they get bigger, you're right - our pediatrician advises letting kids sort it out unless there's blood or weapons! 😜</p> <p>@Anagram: I appreciate the reminder about "how would I react if this happened at daycare/with a sitter" - I'm in a similar situation to the OP behavior wise (a really rough patch with BOTH my girls), and am looking for ways to take a step back, stop yelling and discipline more effectively. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617123 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 10:15:23 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617123@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: sometimes I just can't handle Janet Lansbury. I really try. But sometimes I'm like,, sorry I'm in the real world, lady. I don't have unlimited patience, and I just need my kid to stop pushing her sister so I can pack for ten minutes. (I know this is part of my problem). </p> <p>@ValentineMommy: I'm thinking maybe we need to react less. I just get so upset that she would intentionally hurt or be rough with her sister. But I know it's largely for attention. I literally can't always intervene but maybe just ignoring will be better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617057 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 09:01:22 +0000 ValentineMommy 2617057@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Happens here too. DS1 is 3.5, DS2 is just over a year. It got the worst once DS2 became mobile. It really hasn't gotten any better either. It's aggravating, but since he's not actually hurting him (just rips toys away and knocks into him at times), most of the time we just intervene. Time outs only if it's really malicious, dangerous, or if he actually upsets DS2. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617053 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 08:58:50 +0000 youboots 2617053@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is discussed a lot by Janet Lansbury- Unruffled the podcast. And toddler discipline without shame. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617046 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 08:49:23 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: yeah we definitely have a play yard read yo r the house. I will need it to keep the baby safe in the new house anyway but it could help keep them separated too.<br /> @Anagram: sometimes I just get too angry and indignant reading some of those super gentle (permissive) parenting things. Like I do want to have reasonable expectation for a 3 year old, but I also think she should be able to learn not to go across the room just to knock her sister over. But yeah I know I need to work on my own reactions too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617043 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 08:37:16 +0000 Anagram 2617043@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: I understand mommy time outs. I'm just sharing what works for me, because this happens a dozen times a day in our house, too. So it works for me, mentally, to think of it in terms of like, a day care provider. Sometimes I'm cooking dinner and my back is turned and the older one will really push the younger one--hard. And then I get angry and I want to yell and punish...but then I think, if this happened at a daycare, my very first question would be--where was the teacher? Why wasn't she watching? And then I realize that although it's best if I'm there constantly, I can't be because when I'm home I'm also cooking dinner, doing dishes, doing laundry, going to the bathroom, etc and I physically cannot hover 24/7 and do the best job I can or even the job I would expect a daycare teacher to do (one who has another teacher there, and breaks, and who doesn't cook or clean while on duty), so just mentally realizing that makes me a little more calm.</p> <p>I've definitely had my moments. I once came out of the bedroom, after putting LO2 to sleep to find that LO1 had gotten red paint all over my curtains and I was SUPER ANGRY. I think I may have put her in time out, I don't remember. But later thinking about it, I realized...how dumb am I that I stepped away from a 3 year old with paint for 5 whole minutes? Of COURSE she's going to put handprints on curtains...it's exactly what a 3 year old would do, and I know that but I put us all in that situation anyway.</p> <p>Just sharing what helps me become less ragey.</p> <p>I also joined a Gentle Parenting group on FB and although 90% of what is posted there is more like permissive parenting rather than gentle parenting, I do find that some of the people there share helpful, evidence based techniques, so I still read it while on the toilet and stuff (haha) for ideas and try to just ignore all the hippy-dippy no consequences stuff. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617034 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 08:27:50 +0000 Truth Bombs 2617034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know you're in a small space now but I definitely suggest looking in to a play yard when you're in the new house. I never thought I would buy one of those, but then I had a baby who every time I turn my back he immediately bolts for something like the dog's water bowl or trying to scale the tile surround of the tub. We bought it for just keeping the baby safe when we need to get things done, but it also comes in really handy if the 3.5 year old is getting rowdy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617028 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 08:16:02 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617028@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I make a point of spending one on one time giving the big girl my full attention during the baby's morning nap. And she will be so good and helpful and and then she will play happily by her self. Then as soon as her sister wakes up she starts misbehaving- whether it's being rough with the baby or just general not listening stuff- like I need to close a door and she stands in the doorway and just stares at me as I ask her to move, until I physically pick her up and move her and she starts screaming. After we just spent a really good hour together. </p> <p>And frankly the time outs sometimes are for me too. I need to cool down so I don't scream at her. And I do tell her we both need to time to calm down. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617024 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 08:09:18 +0000 Anagram 2617024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My older one still does this a lot---some of it, I just let go....yes, even if she makes the baby fall down (if it's just like, falling from standing to plopping down on her butt on the rug), IF LO2 isn't protesting or crying. Very rarely, I've done time outs but I feel like those don't work to prevent another issue---3 year olds just don't have impulse control. So even if she seems contrite after having a time out, it's not going to stop her from doing it the next time that idea pops into her head.</p> <p>The only thing that really works is constantly shadowing the kids and literally stopping a push or a toy grab in mid-air. Obviously, you can't do that 24/7, so sometimes a little grace has to be given to everyone involved. </p> <p>But for me, a punishment for the 3 year old is usually akin to the parent being punished because they didn't do their job and prevent the mean action fast enough--kind of inappropriate. </p> <p>We've never had a play yard because we have a small space and never needed one with 1 kid--but after having 2, I realized how handy they could be to keep kids separated. Maybe you can stagger their naps, so each kid gets some sibling-free time? And count down the minutes till older kid is in pre-school. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617015 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 07:57:06 +0000 hilsy85 2617015@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are there as well. I find it comes in waves--some weeks are better than others. When it's bad, I just try to not let them get too close to each other. That might mean lots of time out of the house, or me just constantly sitting in between them, or setting the older one up with a craft or cooking project while the little one plays at our feet. We don't do timeouts or anything for that stuff because I'd literally be doing it allll day long and I don't think it would be effective. So, solidarity! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/3-yo-acting-out-towards-baby-sister#post-2617006 Wed, 07 Sep 2016 07:41:59 +0000 Foodnerd81 2617006@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm at a loss of how to deal with recent behavior from my 3 year old. Quick background- we have an almost 9 month old baby, who she generally really loves and wants around. I stay home with them. We are moving next week, and she is starting preschool this week- so obviously that is a lot of changes to deal with for her. So I expect a little acting out. </p> <p>But lately she has been really rough with the baby- pushing her over when she is sitting up, hugging her so roughly that she falls over, pushing her away if she comes near the toddler while she's playing, ripping things out of her hands, and even picking up the baby's hands when she is standing holding on to something. I don't think she particularly wants to hurt her, I think she kind of wants to see what will happen (will she fall? Will mom and dad yell?) </p> <p>We have tried yelling and time outs. We have been trying a sticker chart for good behavior with a special prize that she really wants (Elsa nightlight). I just really don't know how to deal with this. She will be very good while the baby is asleep. We try to give her as much one on one attention as we can, but 1) we are moving in 6 days and really busy, and 2) it's hard when she acts like this because I just don't want to be around her! (I know I have to be the bigger person but sometimes that's hard). We are at the point that I don't want to show too much attention or affection for the baby while the toddler is awake. </p> <p>Anyone else deal with this? I'm hoping once we move and she gets in the preschool groove things will settle down- I'm sure she is bored at home on top of everything else. But until then I'd rather not have my kid knocking my baby over and spending half the day screaming in time out... </p>