https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 22 Jun 2026 15:55:27 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed/page/2#post-2822965 Wed, 16 May 2018 20:22:04 +0000 irene 2822965@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tlynne: ahhhh, hugs, I am so sorry about what you are going through, and what your DS is living through :sad: He is quite a little trooper! I can't believe he got suspended when it is clearly not his choice to misbehave.... sigh... is he in a regular school with special ed, or is there a school that is more specialized that can remotely be an option? I feel bad that he got in trouble because of something that he barely has control of especially at such a young age. Someone need to put the principal (or whoever that suspends him) on a boat filled with ants AND play loud noises + shine bright lights on him/her for 2 hours and see how they behave. Argh. I am sure you know the best for him though. I hope with your DS growing older his symptoms get weaker/ more controllable, and he gets a better control of the condition. Sending healing wishes and thoughts :heart: </p> <p>Funny to hear that he is more coordinated in water than on land, it makes sense! Maybe the actual floating motion equalizes the wavy motion in his brain which makes him much more comfortable. Poor thing.... :heart: I am so glad you guys found a sport that can cope with his condition.</p> <p>For us yes we have a routine. It is the baseball schedule that goes crazy - 2 random weekdays and one weekend practice or game per week, all at random times. Dinner and bedtime fits in however it fits. So you are right, I can see maybe he felt very unstable/ungrounded because of that. Maybe he couldn't clearly grasp what do we need to do when even though we talked his ear off the day prior. I do need to try writing down the schedule for him every day like you suggested and see if it helps, thanks! Baseball is going to be over this week. Hopefully we'll have some normalcy before next season starts in fall. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed/page/2#post-2822768 Tue, 15 May 2018 22:40:04 +0000 tlynne 2822768@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: SID is sensory integration disorder; it is a neurological disorder where the brain scrambles sensory information in such a way that it isn't processed properly. DS's occupational therapist compared it to living life as if you are standing on a ship in rolling waves while ants crawl up and down your legs and everything around you is double the brightness and volume. DS has been known to fall out of a stationary dining room chair 5-6 times at a single meal...his balance can be that bad in certain circumstances. And often, the more sensory input he gets, the more hyper he often gets. Swimming on swim team has truly been wonderful for him, as it seems to really soothe his symptoms (and is now working wonders for his self esteem and ability to make friends). Oddly enough, he is much more coordinated in the water than on dry land, lol. At home, where everything is quieter and more subdued, he does very well. At home, he has also been more willing to use things that help him, like his weighted blanket or vest. We have very set routines for him at home because he thrives on structure and very straightforward routines. I find that I have to be very matter of fact, unyielding, and calm to discipline him...I am working on this! </p> <p> School is a different story altogether. He currently receives special ed services for the SID, and this helps sometimes...but the school often expects him to self advocate, and he is not mature enough to do that yet, especially when he is feeling overwhelmed. Lunchtime and recess have been his worst times of day because of the more chaotic nature of both. We have found that writing down routines or 1 or 2 behaviors for him to focus on per day really helps...but his school behavior and friendships still lag behind. His school is actually very supportive ...and while we have thought about home school, I really think he needs the practice of interacting with other kids. They do allow us to supplement his work at school to keep him challenged (and he definitely needs it), and he does get weekly one-on-one instruction from their gifted specialist. And while he is having significantly fewer "full blown" sensory meltdowns, he does come home talking about crying in class because of noise level or because he gets teased occasionally for his size or coordination. Today was field day, so it was rougher than usual...and he came home and said that he doesn't want to go to school next year on field day. He skips almost all field trips, too. On the bright side, he has won the clean desk award every month this school year :happy: .</p> <p>Do you think your son is old enough to have a conversation about fixing his routine? He may just want more control over the situation (I'm just guessing because of the statement 'don't tell me what to do'). We have a lot of talks here about what is in DS's control versus what adults need to decide.<br /> :heart: hugs back. Thank you...and sorry for the essay lol </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed/page/2#post-2822761 Tue, 15 May 2018 21:06:55 +0000 irene 2822761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tlynne: Awww... now I feel super bad. Honestly, when I heard it I kinda rolled my eyes inside of me thinking it is one of those "shrink lines" that makes me feel better.... that's why I didn't even process it and blurbed it out here because of how untrue it is. And honestly, all human beings have a shot in doing great things OR end up in jail. It is just a matter of how we handle and nurture the child in between, you know ? </p> <p>Hugs!!! I am so sorry to hear that some parents at your school say that to and about their children. And you are truly an angel to be a foster parent.</p> <p>Yes, DS doesn't sound bad.... and no, he is not bad. Just that it is the daily little "bad choices" he made in 5 minute intervals. Today we talked his ear off that we have to finish eating a big snack/early dinner at 4:30 so we can get to the park at 4:45 for baseball. We explained to him how he has to clean up, potty, sunscreen. All that takes time. No it didn't register. Not even close. It was half an hour of me losing my mind while DH told me to stop and leave the kitchen lol. I was in my room plucking my eyebrows waiting :crying: . We didn't even get into the car until 5. I asked him what time did we have to get to the park he said, 6:15? :bummed: :crying: And just now before bedtime, he insisted on putting a bunch of pencils and old credit cards (he got from DH) INTO his pillow case. Almost threw a fit and took a while to calm him down to explain to him why it's a bad idea. Yes I know he's tired but Grrrr! 10 mins prior he was slamming the door shut causing DH to yell at him (and he very very rarely yells at him)... and so on. Then the constant "don't tell me what to do!" and he went off rolling around in his room for 10 mins without any intention to hit the shower. etc etc. So it is not that he's evil or bad. It is a million of these little bad choices that builds up, and you wonder why haven't he learned already. And guess what. Between all these he did amazingly well at baseball and his team is going to championship partially because of one of his hits, and the coach even wrote me an email saying how DS listens and follows instructions very well and he is so glad to have him on the team. Yep. Have to constantly remind myself to be thankful and need to find my cool. Deep breaths.</p> <p>Pardon my ignorance but what is SID? :grin: I read back on your comments, and I remember when I first read it, I thought your DS is a dream. I wonder if he didn't like a certain teacher / peer students? Is there a way to change him to a different school? You sound like a really wonderful mother and I am sure you will get this figured out. Hugs and kisses :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed/page/2#post-2822697 Tue, 15 May 2018 15:32:20 +0000 tlynne 2822697@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Thank you :crying: . I honestly have a very. very sensitive spot that the comment just hit the wrong way. I am a foster parent and teacher and I have heard parents say things like this to (and about) their own children. It's heartbreaking. I know YOU didn't mean it personally; it just stung.</p> <p>As far as DS1 goes, last spring, he had more days in in-school-suspension than he did in the classroom. About 80-90% of the incidents were related to his SID. This year, it was a huge victory that he only had two in-school-suspension days (even though there have been several more minor incidents...it's no fun when the entire school knows me because of my son's behavior). Your son doesn't sound that bad off...and I know we all need a little levity from time to time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed/page/2#post-2822684 Tue, 15 May 2018 14:49:35 +0000 irene 2822684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tlynne: I am so so sorry for putting that out and in no way I was out to hurt anyone’s feelings or claiming that has any scientific truth. Not at all! That was honestly just a casual comment my therapist made when we were in a room and it wasn’t intended to repeat and broadcast out. Sorry at one point I assumed no one is reading this (as this is an older thread which tends to die off, and I was having a “conversation” with @gingerbebe so I assumed she was the only one reading, so sorry) . My bad and I am sorry for not thinking. Honestly, she is saying that as an exaggerated comment / joke to make me feel better that I don’t have a demon child and nothing is wrong. If my child was acting up and getting kicked out from school and behaving very well at home, she is probably going to say the opposite. Again I am so sorry. She said that as a joke with no research at all. Please allow me to swallow what I wrote back *swallow* . Again my deepest apologies.... :heart: :heart: :heart: :crying: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822621 Tue, 15 May 2018 12:28:16 +0000 looch 2822621@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822606 Tue, 15 May 2018 12:04:41 +0000 tlynne 2822606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Wow...have to agree to disagree on the 'child who behaves at school but not at home' vs the 'child who behaves at home and not at school.' I felt slapped in the face when I read that. My eldest struggles with behavior at school, and it is very difficult for the school to meet his needs, as he is 2E. We meet his needs at home, so behavior isn't as much of a struggle at home. Am I to believe that my child will "go to jail" because he has had in school suspension? I went from wanting to be helpful to you to being completely offended. If your child is behaving better at school, maybe you should look to them for advice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822599 Tue, 15 May 2018 11:54:32 +0000 gingerbebe 2822599@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tlynne: Oh, I know, its the absolute worst. But yeah, a big peace making thing in our marriage is that we both have huge shortcomings in different places because of our giftedness in other areas. Like, I struggle with anxiety and can't handle things like answering the door sometimes, but I always remind DH that the trade off is that I have an octopus tentacled brain that can multitask and manage logistics like nobody's business. So, we just try to give each other grace!</p> <p>@irene: DH is a gem for sure, but I really give a lot of credit to my inlaws. My parents are very typical Korean immigrant parents, lot of yelling and rules and spanking and dictatorial parenting, and I don't have a great relationship with them as adults either. DH on the other hand talks to his parents like several times a week. DH is the eldest of 3 kids and every single one of them is WILDLY different and differently abled and somehow all 3 of them grew up to be kind adults who have great relationships with their parents and family, while my parents just stressed being obedient and successful. So its very, very hard for me to parent patiently and DH is way better at dealing with the behavioral stuff than I am, but yeah, I am very thankful for DH and I just look at him all the time as the type of person I'd like our sons who grow up to be instead of their screaming banshee mother, whomp whomp. Hugs, I know its hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822598 Tue, 15 May 2018 11:43:58 +0000 tlynne 2822598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: AAAAAHHHH!!!! I am laughing so hard...I have tears rolling down my face after your first paragraph...the sunglasseses...YES, EXACTLY....so true in my house...</p> <p>Whew...now that I've caught my breath, I married the history nut that can tell anyone almost anything about any country in the world at the drop of a hat...and processes new scientific information faster than 5G...but last night was complaining he couldn't find "his new blue field day shirt with the anchor on it"...when he was really looking for "his new GREEN field day shirt with the SHIP on it.</p> <p>Thankfully, while DS1 is highly gifted, he has more of my style of executive function than DH's. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822491 Tue, 15 May 2018 07:15:48 +0000 irene 2822491@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: Wow, Lego architecture kits, aren't these for 12+ ?! Yes I'd love to see a photo! Before we really created a play room, DH and I talked about getting a lego table. DH was against it because growing up, he felt he was very limited being confined on a table, and while we have enough space in the room he didn't want a table in it. Grrr. Honestly I wonder if it makes a difference though because things are probably allover the floor AND the table. </p> <p>DS is permanently building a city with train tracks and all, but the city is always in construction mode because he always get distracted, or start taking things apart. So everything is always in construction mode. It will be more accurate to say he's building a construction site. I agree with you - the bag is not going to work for us either because it requires him to move the blocks that he placed on the ground INTO the bag - it is the loose blocks within / around the "construction site" that is constantly being taken down and rebuilt #*@#^$*grr. And he is seriously challenged to do that for who knows why.</p> <p>No I haven't tried 3D puzzles! I wish we were in the same city because our DS seemed to be very similar :-)</p> <p>@808love: YES!! I feel the same!!!! Hahaha. </p> <p>@gingerbebe: Thank you dear, and yikes for your friends' son! Sigh. Yes I am trying really hard to keep my cool. I will keep what you said in mind! And I want to say you did marry a gem. There are people I know if they genuinely don't care, they won't even pretend. DH is kinda like that. His parents never compromised like your DH's did. He got screamed at, punished and beaten like no one's business when he was a kid. Now while he does pretty OK in life, he makes a point NOT to call or see them on mothers and fathers day, and he genuinely do not like them. </p> <p>In fact I was talking to my therapist yesterday (first time in a long while, my brain is crumbling lol). She said you'd want a child who behaves at school and not listen at home rather than the other way around, because the latter the child will end up in jail later in his/her life :grin: She said that it is DS's way to relax after being good, helpful and respectful all day at school. Sigh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822357 Mon, 14 May 2018 12:04:24 +0000 gingerbebe 2822357@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I get the face from my husband for sure. A common exasperated complaint of his is how HARD it is to pretend to care about stuff that is pointless or dumb or whatever (not just to me, but everything/everyone). He honestly hides is really well (his mother is the sweetest, kindest, most polite person and gets her feelings hurt really easily, so he basically learned to fake caring about stuff from a young age), but he's been open about the fact that it really is a struggle for him. One of the ways I can tell he's "slipping" is when the eye contact kinda wanders - sometimes his eyes start to flutter and it almost looks like he's falling asleep and then I get really mad. He'll snap back and tell me he's NOT falling asleep, he's actually trying REALLY hard to stay engaged and that's why his eye contact is slipping, but that yes, I'm going on too long and I'm losing him. So then I have to stop and regroup, sometimes we have to return to the conversation later, etc. </p> <p>The long and short of it is, there is no perfect clean solution. You have needs and preferences of your own (i.e. I hate the Lego bag, its ugly) and he has his (cleaning up Legos is boring and pointless, I'm just going to bring them out and play with them again tomorrow), and, you know, he's freaking 6 years old. I keep coming back to the acceptance thing because you just have to meet the kid where he is and acknowledge that it just really is harder for him to do certain things a certain way. It doesn't mean he can't do it, it doesn't mean he cannot learn to incorporate certain "pointless" habits into his life, but it just will take longer and they will probably not be done the way YOU want them to be done. My husband does the dishes in the dumbest way possible and I've just had to let go - like the point is he's doing the dishes, I just need to let it go, I can't fuss about the fact that he loads the dishwasher ass backwards, gets water EVERYWHERE, constantly puts things in the wrong place so I can't find anything (AUGHDFKGKJFDNK) but we've agreed he's in charge of the dishes, he understands its important to me, he's doing them, Amen.</p> <p>I want to also note that I don't know if MY kids are gifted or whatever (and honestly DH swears they are not), but we try to use the same strategies when parenting our kids because DH just remembers the earliest part of his childhood just so fraught with frustration all the time and we're trying to avoid that as much as possible (because DH was a notorious troublemaker). He really believes he and his parents figuring out a way to collaborate together saved his childhood. On the other end of this, we also have some dear friends who have a son who is now in middle school and he is like the cautionary tale for us. He basically had the same issues and his parents, being typical Chinese immigrant parents, just kept enforcing rules over and over and over again. He was a gifted child in an expensive private school and he was an only child for a very long time so they just thought this is how kids were. But something shifted when the kid turned 9 and he just started actively lying to his parents and his teachers. Forging signatures, not doing his homework, not bringing home his notes from school, etc. And once the parents found out and started punishing him in the traditional sense, it didn't work at all. The kid either completely just checked out and didn't care or he just lost it and went completely off the rails. They took EVERYTHING away from him, he was grounded, etc. Nothing worked. They even pulled him out of private school and put him in regular public school because he was failing out of school. Not because he wasn't smart - the child is gifted - but because he was just over it and at that point he just felt like nothing he did was good enough anyway, so why bother. EVERYTHING seemed pointless for this child. My friends were completely at a loss. The son is still sorta disengaged, but he has come a long way and I can see more empathy and kindness coming from him in our interactions. My friends have had to COMPLETELY 180 their way of parenting and they're like OMG doing this while he's in middle school and going through his teenage moodiness is the WORRRRST, but they are hoping that it pays off in him being happier and better able to function in his family and his day to day life. His grades are stellar since he's gifted, but he's admittedly bored in public school, but his parents and the educators have all agreed right now helping him find balance is more important than giving him extremely challenging academic work.</p> <p>All this is to say you're doing the Lord's work here and its great you guys are working so hard trying to engage him now while he's young! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822341 Mon, 14 May 2018 11:06:03 +0000 808love 2822341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Re:spacing out during directions. DD keeps claiming she is self-taught (darn, Moana!). Anyway, when she has a hard time doing something like thread a needle and wants help, I’ll be like- here let me show you and she literally walks away or purposely looks away until I am done doing it. This happens so many times. I have to redirect her attention and i remind her it is ok I do, we do, you do but you have to see what I am doing first. It is like she can’t stand the fact that she has to learn something new that she can’t automatically do and is fun. She says she doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to watch. So yes, I really have to be mindful that there are rare teachable moments with her and sometimes she is just not ready/open to and it is really just me driving the lesson- which takes a different kind of lesson, incentive, praise or engaging. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822292 Mon, 14 May 2018 08:31:19 +0000 looch 2822292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: My son would freak out if I tried that lego bag....he is currently building a house and he does it little by little. So, what we did is to repurpose a coffee table and that's his lego building area. It's got a shelf underneath that he uses to put the bricks in bins, and then on top, he has several of those large baseplates. We talked a lot about why he has to build on the table and not on the floor...the motivating factor was losing the pieces in the vacuum cleaner. I made my peace with the lego table, it's not pretty, but I love to see the progress. I'll have to snap a photo later for you.</p> <p>We also really like the Lego Architecture kits...those build up into a city or building and we display them all over the house. For whatever reason, my son is really motivated to keep those intact, as opposed to the other kits, which he builds and then modifies.</p> <p>Have you tried the 3d puzzles? My son is into those too, and we have them all over as well. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822266 Mon, 14 May 2018 07:02:42 +0000 irene 2822266@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Thanks! What you say is very interesting. I wouldn't say that DS is "super gifted"... he is maybe a little faster than others in his age group, and these things get evened out pretty quickly when they are in higher grades. </p> <p>I'll try to keep cool ! Thanks for the link to the lego bag! Yikes, while it is a good idea it is so ugly :grin: I don't know if I can handle it. Let me think about it but it is a great solution!</p> <p>And yes, we explain to him on every single thing. Every one of them. But do you get this face that you can obviously see he is completely tuned out when you are trying to explain this big thing? One day DH was explaining to DS about something after he borderline was in trouble. You can see DS was completely not there. I said, yo, your daddy is talking to you, you gotta pay attention and respond. His "spirit" snapped back into his body and said, yes daddy, yes. I asked, can you repeat what daddy said? He asked, what did you just say, daddy? LOL :grin: grrrrr :bummed: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822112 Sat, 12 May 2018 13:36:25 +0000 gingerbebe 2822112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Yeah, I mean there has to be some compromise and understanding on both sides to get this to work. Like, you may need to accept that your son just isn't wired a certain way that makes it easy for him to just do the chores you want him to do. It is very hard to accept this when you're looking at an extremely gifted child, but I LIVE with that kid now as an 38 year old man! My husband can keep track of hundreds of clients and all the details of their cases in his head and he can spew engineering concepts and the exact Code of Federal Regulations citation in conversation, but he can NEVER. FIND. HIS. DANG. SUNGLASSES. because he just leaves his crap all over the house. Or remember to flush the toilet. Or put an empty can in the recycling bin 5 inches from him. Its a mental disconnect I find infuriating as his wife, but he just IS that way. Like, I really had to learn to not take it personally because its just a shortcoming in him that's compensated by his extreme giftedness in other areas. So, part of this may be that you need to ACCEPT that your kid will just plain struggle with these kind of rote tasks.</p> <p>That said, that doesn't mean you all can't find some ways to meet in the middle. The biggest way we've found peace in our marriage and how DH and his parents found peace was 1) getting DH to buy into the VALUE of doing something and 2) getting him to help come up with the solution to the problem as an active stakeholder. In essence, if he see's why something has to be done, agrees that the doing it has some intrinsic value, and then you agree to a certain WAY or METHOD to accomplishing the task, then you just have to be like "yo, you agreed to this." Granted, your son is 6, so its not like you spit shake to agree and never have to remind him or fight with him again on it, but constantly reinforcing "you agreed to this" helps over time just building something into his routine.</p> <p>In the Lego example, there could be a few "why" explanations you can give. You can start with "I know you love your Legos and Mommy wants you to have fun and make all sorts of creative things with them. But we have to make sure we clean up the Legos afterwards because...."</p> <p>1) Stepping on a Lego is painful. You can also slip on a Lego and fall and really hurt yourself. If anyone in our family slipped and fell or hurt themself on a Lego, Mommy/Daddy would get very upset and would probably get mad and sad. This is even something you can physically demonstrate - ask him to put a Lego on the floor and step on it with a barefoot. Or lay down on top of his Legos. Or remind him of a time he slipped and fell.</p> <p>2) When Mommy sees a million Lego pieces all over the floor, it makes Mommy's brain hurt and it makes it hard for me to think. I can't concentrate on playing with you or thinking about fun things we can do together, because all I can think about are the millions of Legos, all the colors - its like when there is a very loud annoying noise all the time. That gives Mommy a headache and it makes Mommy act grouchy, so cleaning up the Legos really helps Mommy be happier and calmer. You can even make this concrete by let's say blasting really loud noises that are really irritating and say "see? This is what it feels like inside Mommy's brain when I see all the Legos everywhere." </p> <p>Hopefully one of these reasons resonates with him and he sees the value in cleaning up the Legos. Then you need to engage him in helping find the solution. You might say something like "I know cleaning up Legos is something you don't like to do and its boring. But now that you understand WHY we need to clean the Legos, why don't we think about ways cleaning up the Legos can be easier to do?"</p> <p>One solution may be to adjust the surface he plays the Legos in. Perhaps its as simple as making a rule where you both agree to ONLY play Legos on top of a sheet and then tying the ends up together in a knot when he's done and shoving it in a closet. That way it takes seconds to clean up and its out of the way (this is what my SIL does with her Lego loving son). Or perhaps you ask him if he thinks playing Legos on something like this would help him clean his Legos up, since its fast and easy:</p> <p><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Lay-n-Go-Original-Large-Activity-Play/dp/B007BPJTOU" rel="nofollow">https://www.amazon.com/Lay-n-Go-Original-Large-Activity-Play/dp/B007BPJTOU</a></p> <p>Hopefully then he agrees to the solution, you thank him for helping you come up with a plan, and then for a while, you probably thank him profusely when he follows you by saying something that reinforces the why - "thank you so much for cleaning up the Legos - ahh, Mommy's brain feels so much clearer and I don't have to worry about you hurting your little foot!"</p> <p>Then there are tasks like pulling his gym clothes out of his bag that might be harder because he might be like "I have a million shirts and shorts, who cares if these are dirty??" In that case, the why reason might not be as compelling or it just may not be age appropriate. DH talks about how he was able to do chores as a kid because his parents just assigned certain things to each person in the family and the WHY was that we are a family and we all live here and we all have to pitch in and do our part because its fair. We share our house, so we share in the work it takes to maintain the house. Daddy has to do all the laundry and its a lot of work, so its FAIR, KIND, and HELPFUL that we all make sure to put the laundry in the hampers so Daddy can do it. But that kind of reasoning may not work at age 6, I don't know. So it may be something like you just try to cut some steps out for him and make it less annoying. You can say something like "I understand you don't like doing this, but we all have to help do the laundry together. So would it be helpful to you if we put a little hamper next to where your backpack goes and you take it to the laundry room when its full instead of every single day?" If he agrees, then bring him in to the solution like, ask him if there's a specific day he'd like to bring the hamper to the laundry room or whatever. </p> <p>However, if its something like a uniform he needs for a game, the why here might be more compelling, like we have to remember to put the clothes in the laundry because if we don't wash your uniform, it will not be clean for your next game and you could get itchy from wearing a dirty uniform. What do you think we can do to help you remember to put the dirty uniform in the laundry? Would putting a small hamper next to your backpack hook help remind you to put the clothe sin the laundry? Hopefully he says yes, you get him the hamper, and he places his clothes in it. And then before you go upstairs or to bed or transition in the evenings, to say "do we have all our things that we need to take to the laundry?" "Oh did you remember your hamper?" Or something like that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822082 Fri, 11 May 2018 23:42:05 +0000 irene 2822082@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: @808love: holy crap. I agree.my mind is blown. You need to write a blog post about this theory. Wow. You are gifted lol :grin: </p> <p>so I should ask him what is the reason behind him not putting his Legos away, or eat quickly and hopefully there is an answer. Honestly, just today (which is a fail btw, sigh) I was thinking we are in the movie Groundhog Day, where it is the exact same thing over and over and over, but how could this boy not learn that if he just do a,b, and c, we would have the best time together. Grrrrr. And somehow he is obsessed with playing Scrabbles spelling big words and calculating points (all those double letters / triple word scores...etc) at 6 years old so he can not be dumb. The other day when I asked him what is bothering him so that he acts out and doesn’t listen, other than saying he disliked me telling him what to do all the time, he also said his brain is distracting him because “there are a thousand songs playing and he is always thinking of all these information that he doesn’t need at the moment.” I was appalled. I told DH he said well does that mean he has mental problems and we have to take him to a shrink lol. I didn’t mention that because I didn’t want to explain on here. Hmm. Well hopefully he is not on the crazy side... 😅 :goodluck: </p> <p>Thanks for the completely different perspective. Hopefully I find and keep my cool and we can work this out... :heart: </p> <p>@looch: I gave up on the reading :bummed: I feel so bad because school is giving him chapter books each week that he doesn’t even want to read. We don’t have logs, but we held the same book for 2 weeks which he has no incentive to read. Sometimes we return books he read maybe 2 chapters on. DH mentioned maybe he dragged out bedtime and pick fights so he doesn’t have to read :crying: . I have been worried. I am glad that summer is here soon so at least there is no chapter books each week and we can hopefully go back to the library like we used to and find the love for reading again. Funny on the stories you shared! Re: sketch book- it is really no biggie, it was somewhere between me trying to explain time continuum (as in why we need to do things faster so we get to do more fun things) to brainstorming good attributes we want to grow up to have...etc, there are a lot of sheets and I didn’t want to throw them away. So we end up buying a big sketch book for all these little things. Sometimes we (or I) draw comics in there on scenarios /role play of say, why should we say please and thank you, why should we be honest...etc. we do that book together, but we don’t have enough time for it .... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2822069 Fri, 11 May 2018 19:21:01 +0000 808love 2822069@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Whoa! Life lessons and new awareness here! Thanks for posting...it struck a chord in me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821990 Fri, 11 May 2018 12:12:51 +0000 gingerbebe 2821990@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: @looch's story about her son trigged this but I think you've shared before about how your son is gifted? So, my husband was a lot like how you describe your son being and he was/is also gifted. I was also considered "gifted" but my personality/behavior is totally different. People have a lot of misconceptions of what giftedness means, but for many gifted children, there's an uneven level of development. So for me, I was bright but socially extremely awkward and had terrible performance anxiety and fear of failure. I had a lot of emotional struggles due to my giftedness and I didn't get a lot of support for it because people perceived giftedness to mean that I should be able to act older than my age (it also didn't help I was super tall). </p> <p>DH on the other hand, manifested his giftedness in problem solving and causal connections - like it was way beyond his age, but due to his actual age and maturity level, it caused terrible disconnects. One of really big ones he points to now as an adult (and its been enormously helpful with DS1 now) is that he perceived a lot of rules and regulations as a child as arbitrary or pointless, so he didn't feel like doing them. And the more someone gave him arbitrary or pointless tasks, the less he liked them or respected them and the more he tuned out what they said. Essentially, he saw them as stupid and the tasks as beneath him assigned by someone who was stupid. </p> <p>That sounds incredibly harsh, but that's literally how he described it. So like, in @looch: example about the reading log - my husband would have done the same thing. He was reading at like age 3 and would have been like this is pointless, I'm not doing it. He would have resented a teacher or parent making him do it every night because he'd already dismissed it as being pointless. He talked about how he had a terrible time in first grade because he was so ahead of the class and was not challenged and his teacher was constantly calling home complaining to his mother. At first MIL was horrified and would try to punish him, but over time she put the pieces together. He was extremely bored and so all the tasks in class seemed arbitrary and pointless and the teacher was just a stupid nag. His mom punishing him just added to the frustration of having to deal with arbitrary rules and decisions (you're grounded, you don't get toys, etc).</p> <p>The reason I talked about how trying to figure out how to set your kid up for success and collaborate with them is that DH said that while he continued to be bored and frustrated in school until middle school when he was able to get the right educational challenges, he largely stopped having issues with his parents around age 9 because they all came to an understanding about what the situation truly was. His parents finally understood he was gifted and his brain was wired differently and they needed to find a way to engage him in a way where he saw the VALUE of acting a certain way or doing things a certain way, even if they appeared arbitrary. And DH learned or was finally taught that sometimes we do things that are or seem pointless because it makes your life easier and more pleasant and THAT in itself has an inherent value that's worth doing the pointless task for. </p> <p>So basically, once DH's parents realized that traditional punishments weren't going to work, that yelling wasn't going to work, and that DH needed a more mature and complicated explanation for the WHY behind the tasks and chores and things he had to do, they started giving him way more "mature" answers to things. DH for his part had to learn that making the OTHER person happy even if its through doing arbitrary tasks was worth doing the thing for. DH said that as a result, he literally never had the whole teenage rebellion and angst thing with his parents and it was largely smooth sailing at home after that point. And he had been a notorious troublemaker from infancy.</p> <p>SO. Very long response, but I think what I'm trying to say is I think you're on the right track with things like the sketchbook and engaging your son in understanding more WHY we need to do things in a certain order or in a certain amount of time, because if he understands more about social currency and the idea that doing things quickly or whatever will ultimately make HIS life better because YOU are happier could be reward enough to get stuff done. BUT part of this could just be that his perception of things could be because of his giftedness. </p> <p>For example, even now, as an adult, DH is a messy person. He cleans more now because it drives me nuts when its messy, but he literally has and could live in a hoarder nightmare. His bachelor pad should have been burned down. Its not that he's like a dumb person, but he's explained to me that the brain power, effort, and time it takes to constantly put something back where he found it, put it away, clean it up, fold it neatly - its an expenditure of effort he'd rather put into something else that he finds more productive, financially rewarding, or enjoyable. Its completely logical when he explains it that way, but I'm like yeah no that's not going to work for me and I'm going to flip out. So then he's like okay, when you get mad, then the value prosition changes. My quality of my life when you are pissed vs. when you are happy is enough of a factor where cleaning is a better value proposition to me, so I clean. (Also I love you). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821893 Fri, 11 May 2018 06:53:16 +0000 looch 2821893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I agree, it's hard to find natural consequences at times, particularly since my son doesn't always seem to want to "do the right thing." As an example, last year after some particularly bad behavior at school, the principal decided that for a certain activity, my son wouldn't participate with his class, but would instead have to spend the time with him and the assistant principal. I later asked my son about it and he was reported he had a nice day with the principal. So, was that worth it? I don't really know, as it didn't seem to impact my son in the way the principal had hoped. </p> <p>Another thing is homework. We don't have it our school, but they do send home a weekly reading log. My son hasn't completed it since January, maybe longer. I basically told him it was on him to complete his log and if he didn't do it, he would face the consequences in class with his teacher. Well, guess what, at our conference, the teacher reported that he's above grade level in reading, is a peer coach to help other kids with their writing and basically completes all his work with very little help. So, the reading log doesn't even factor in to their assessments. When I tell other parents we don't do the log they are shocked, but it's working for us.</p> <p>When you have a minute, can you share the sketchbook? That sounds super interesting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821871 Thu, 10 May 2018 22:58:46 +0000 irene 2821871@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@808love: I need to check that book out!</p> <p>We haven't reviewed the sketch book for a while and it was fun to look at it again! Last night we reviewed a "section" where we wrote about what we think a 6 year old should and shouldn't do around the time he turns 6. It was a wonderful reminder, and he did do better on quite a couple of things (eg he definitely cried less these past months) ! It was fun to see all the previous schedules we had too, and life lessons (eg. be respectful, honest, be helpful, be kind, think about others / unselfish...etc.) , and a thing that he "signed " saying he won't lie anymore hahaha :-)</p> <p>@KT326: Thank you so much -- makes me feel better that others also have to work hard to not yell :-) I need to try harder....</p> <p>@gingerbebe: Yes I agree to everything, but there are specific scenario that I don't know how to reward / take away "privileges" of. Things are not always black and white. Say, I want to reward him if he does everything QUICKLY by himself without much prompting. How do you even reward that? And then what if it was one bad behavior after the other in a long stretch of time, you have already stripped away all privileges and he is not showing any signs of wanting to redeem himself? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821732 Thu, 10 May 2018 11:20:21 +0000 gingerbebe 2821732@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: RE: consequences. One thing that's helped us figure out good consequences for our sons is asking the question "what can we change about this situation to set all of us up for success?" So sometimes we take away something not necessarily as a punishment, but because we realized through repeat experiences that a certain object or situation isn't helping our kids and ourselves act our best. Its our job as the parent to figure out how to change the circumstance to set our kids up to succeed and to remove the aggravations that make us act poorly as parents.</p> <p>So for instance, both kids at the age of 2 went through developmental period where TV or any kind of screen time turned them into raging animals. We wouldn't let them watch TV as a result, but even just SEEING the physical TV there or our phones or iPads made them go berserk,. We had crazy tantrums, the works. I don't think it was the shows or the screentime themselves, but more the desire to exert control over certain things. But we just weren't succeeding in that context (success being defined as the toddler acting like a reasonable human being the parents not screaming). So we physically removed the TVs and iPads and access to screens because we were just going to take that fight off the table. It wasn't a punishment per se, it was removing the bone of contention so that we could be kind and happy.</p> <p>Obviously, things like food is different. You can't NOT give your son dinner. But the timer idea is great, or even giving him like 5 bites of food instead of a full plate so that he can focus better on the 5 bites he has in front of him, finish it quickly, and then tell him he can ask for more when he's done. If he asks why this is so, you would just say "I don't want to fight with you about dinner. I just want to have a nice dinner with you and be a nice mommy. Fighting with you about taking too long to eat makes me sad and mad, so I'm doing this so we can both be happier."</p> <p>Putting Legos in toy jail is another thing. Its not so much about taking away the toy as a punishment. Its about getting your kid to buy into the unified family goal of harmony and that we can both do things as parent and child to NOT make the other person angry or upset. "I am going to put these Legos away until we can stop fighting about them. I don't like being angry mommy because you don't clean them up, and I know you get mad and sad when mommy yells at you about cleaning up, so we are going to put them away until you decide you can put them away without me asking okay?"</p> <p>Is it possible baseball is adding to his mental/physical load in a way that is setting him up to be more badly behaved? Like, he's aggravated from the coaching or tired from the stress/exhaustion of practices/games? A kid already has to be under the direction of a teacher all day, then parents at home - adding a coach might be too much for him. I know for our eldest son, for instance, that would be too much for him and wouldn't be setting him up for success. We'd pull him if that were the case.</p> <p>Anyways, it sounds like you guys are making great progress! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821712 Thu, 10 May 2018 10:55:46 +0000 KT326 2821712@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I have to really work to not raise my voice at him. He actually tells me now when I'm yelling and don't even realize it. I always apologize after, just like he does with me. It's gotten better over the last year since my youngest was born. Everything is always a work in progress! No one is perfect. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821613 Thu, 10 May 2018 00:05:29 +0000 808love 2821613@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I love that sketchbook of life lessons idea! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821604 Wed, 09 May 2018 22:40:42 +0000 808love 2821604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Orchid: So I googled Self-Driven Child and started to read <a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018/02/14/584275859/the-key-to-raising-a-happy-child" rel="nofollow">https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018/02/14/584275859/the-key-to-raising-a-happy-child</a> ....and stopped halfway to try something on my child. It worked!! Kinda. See below. Now I have to finish the article and possibly get that book you recommended.</p> <p>My mom has been saying how I raised DD to be a free thinker (kind of how I run my class too) and so maybe I am on the right track. </p> <p>The story that just happened just now- DD always leaves dishes on dining table after eating so I just 'noticed aloud', "DD, What's going on with dishes on the table? Are you going to do anything about them? You know if it stays out, the bugs will come and I know you don't like bugs. " Voila, she appeared 5 seconds later and swooped them up. Ok, maybe just 1 out of 3 of them and then disappeared to wash her hands. Back again....doing her sewing in the midst of all the remaining dishes. Sigh..... :)</p> <p>Wait....now what? She asked me to help her with something. "Um, what's happening with the dishes?" Back to putting away the rest before I help her. Haha. Respectful, focused on her own thing, little human. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821598 Wed, 09 May 2018 20:46:13 +0000 irene 2821598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you everyone!</p> <p>A little update. So last night we talked before we slept, we talked about what bothered each of us and possible solutions, which I have listed in OP. We have a big sketch book that is where all these little "life lessons" / rules / schedules...etc. go. Today there were a few kinks but it went much better than the past 2+ weeks! This morning he even took out all his clean laundry from the dryer and put it in his clean laundry basket, as he wanted to be helpful, which I truly appreciated. Toward the end of the day he got frustrated and screamed at me once, I whispered, do you want to go to the "back couch" (the quiet corner, completely his idea as he said that's what they have in school) and come back when you are ready, he quietly went, sat for a while, came back and was back to his controlled self. Next time I need to remember to ask him to apologize.</p> <p>Tonight before he went to sleep, we added one more "solution" to the book with @ShootingStar: 's solution - to limit dinner time to 40 minutes. We will set a timer every night when dinner starts, and when the bell rings, we have 5 minutes to clean up, and it is ok to pack up all the food he couldn't finish. He agreed. It was getting late so there was no time to talk more. In general today was going in the right direction so we'll see how that goes.</p> <p>@erinbaderin: Thanks for the link to that board! RE : “if I don’t say something bedtime will be at 10” -- DS said he is acting out because he didn't like me telling him what to do all the time. My feeling is, while I don't want to tell him what to do, I feel that if I don't say anything, bedtime will be pushed to 10pm.</p> <p>@tlynne: Thank you so much! I need to learn from you. My biggest problem is I lose my cool and I am not patient.</p> <p>@2littlepumpkins: You mean your DD also said she doesn't like you guys telling her what to do all the time? The thing is, I feel why DS has been majorly acting out the past 2+ weeks is because something is bothering him, maybe he didn't have enough control or something that isn't right. He said that it is because I am always telling him what to do when he feels he can do it without people telling him (which is maybe true 50-75% of the time, depending on situation, but this week it has been 30-40%, which leads to me "reminding" him more often). I do want to listen to him and change the situation that way to see if it has any improvement. </p> <p>@looch: hahahaha! Actually DH is hyper organized. DS is more like me in terms of being messy, forgetful...etc. We drive DH crazy. I don't know if it has to do with my mom never teaching me to pick up after myself or take care of myself (she did everything for me and generally very overprotective, I had 0 chores growing up). I really don't want DS to end up like me, if that makes sense :-)</p> <p>@KT326: Thanks! I agree to everything you say. I wish I was stricter with screaming :-( In a way I am to be blamed because I scream myself when I get frustrated, and he probably picked it up from me. So I feel guilty to enforce that he can't scream at me but I raise my voice in return. I love where you will miss the practice, and require your son to explain to the coach why he missed the practice!! Where were you when I need this advice?! I will definitely do it next season!</p> <p>@Orchid: Thank you so much for the recommendation! I will check it out.</p> <p>@808love: @Mrsbells: @tlynne: @KT326: and everyone who talked about consequence (and incentive): Do you guys get confused ?! I myself get super confused with what was the consequence and I can't keep it straight. He had such terrible behavior the past week I have stripped away 1 week of iPad time. Half of his legos are in "toy jail", and it is so bad that I am not even going to give it back until he actually cleans up (today is the first day I gave back a part of it because he cleaned up whatever that was remained yesterday). We don't even turn on the TV in our house most of the time (especially school days) so we don't even have screen time. I don't know what else I can reward or strip away as a consequence anymore! I thought about I would give him 50 cents if, say, if one day I didn't have to say anything and everything gets done, and I only have to hush him 5 times or under, but I scratched it because I didn't want the whole thing to become a "bribe". I just don't know what can I reward him with. I should open another thread to talk about consequences and incentives, ha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821485 Wed, 09 May 2018 14:10:15 +0000 Orchid 2821485@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Has anyone read "The Self-Driven Child"? I was just reading reviews and it sounds like an awesome read. It highlights that children are facing record levels of stress because they lack autonomy and control. There are practical guidelines for giving more control while still getting stuff done. I'm planning on reading it and it sounds like it could be helpful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821437 Wed, 09 May 2018 12:34:40 +0000 KT326 2821437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: same here. My 6 year old will lose tv time for screaming and throwing a fit. </p> <p>Screaming at me is an absolute no. I will walk away and go into the other room without acknowledging him. He hates that and will apologize pretty quickly. </p> <p>We are doing baseball too, he loves it, but if his behavior gets really bad we take away a practice or a game. Then I have him tell his coach why he had to miss a game. That straightens him up right away. He hates to disappoint his coach. </p> <p>As far as getting things done, pick your battles. We have a 17 month old too so my son knows he can't leave his legos out. But other toys? I'm not going to stand and argue that they be cleaned up right then and there. We do a pick up at the end of the night before bed. </p> <p>I keep reminding myself that he is only 6 years old. Yes, they can have responsibilities but we can't expect them to remember every little thing. I lower my expectations then try to help him understand why things need to be done. His lunchbox needs to go to the sink so it can be clean for the next day. If it isn't clean, he doesn't get lunch from home. His homework folder needs to go back in his bag so he doesn't forget it the next day. We have a routine and I try to stick to it as best as possible. If he wants to watch a show, he has to do a, b and c before then. If he doesn't get it done in time no show before bed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821405 Wed, 09 May 2018 11:39:13 +0000 Mrsbells 2821405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: my 6 year old loses privileges, toys and tv time for behaviour such as meltdowns or screaming. At this age she is old enough to use her words, be polite and do as she is told. If there are actual consequences for his behavior he will snap out of it quickly </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821401 Wed, 09 May 2018 11:34:58 +0000 808love 2821401@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 7 yr old DD puts herself to bed and always washes her hands....but she forgets her lunch and leaves her stuff everywhere. I consider it a success that she knows the routine/where things go/responsibilities even if she doesn’t do it. Why doesn’t she do it if she knows the system and does it sporadically especially with an incentive? She says it from her own mouth-she just doesn’t want to. What is somewhat effective at that point is a countdown followed by a consequence. Fully expecting and believing the consequence is half the battle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/6-year-old-ideas-needed#post-2821333 Wed, 09 May 2018 08:48:53 +0000 looch 2821333@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: They might never grow out of it! My son is similar, as is my husband. They are extremely intelligent, but somehow, the fail at the most simple tasks, like knowing you need to get your bag together before you walk out the door. They both have no concept of putting things in the same place every day so you can easily find them, resulting in a mad dash.</p> <p>To try to "train" them, I have instituted a simple 3 step checklist for my son when we leave the house. Do you have your coat, do you have your backpack, do you have your lunch? It's easy enough that he remembers and we can go on our way. </p>