https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 01 May 2026 04:55:05 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2509166 Tue, 29 Mar 2016 08:51:22 +0000 irene 2509166@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Raindrop: Oh trust me, we went through threeager at three. This four thing was so bad I don't know when do I see the light at the end of the tunnel..... :-( And it doesn't happen sparingly too, it happens several times a day! I think it has something to do with him refusing to nap, but his body still needs it. I can not wait until he truly grows out of the nap.</p> <p>Oh, I know and have seen moms traveling with three kids all by themselves. The one mom I know she took her 3 kids across europe too (they are from US but have lived in the Netherlands for a few years or so). That I can't do and I only have one kid.... or maybe I could, just I am too scared to try it. You can take my meltdown kid out of a restaurant, but you can't take him off the plane ! :-)</p> <p>ETA: OK maybe that cookie was $3, or $4, I didn't pay attention to the price tag but it was HUGE and I remember it was overpriced. I looked online before and that thing was something like 1500 calories (yes I am pathetic like that lol). That's how much a person is supposed to eat A WHOLE DAY. Who's going to eat that??? hahaha! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508976 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 23:46:02 +0000 Raindrop 2508976@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: wow 6 dollars for a cookie!!! Yeah I wouldn't have gotten that either. Most cookies here are max 1.5 dollars. Haha.</p> <p>Your son must be going through three-anger later than usual! Sorry to hear he has changed so much, it must be tough! *big hugs*</p> <p>Edit: My MIL use to take her 3 sons out to eat by herself all the time especially when they were young. She has some fun stories. She is just so great at not sweating the small stuff. That is totally not me. I can't eat alone with the kids. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508949 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 22:24:38 +0000 LovelyPlum 2508949@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All day, erry day. She's too little to reason with, but she's got a stubborn streak a mile wide. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508942 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 22:18:24 +0000 Miss Flamingo 2508942@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My daughter is still little enough that I can say employee many of the tricks discussed. However, I work in a structured classroom setting and with those kids we work to be firm and flexible at the same time. If a kiddo has a reasonable request, like switch the order of routines, I would try and frame it as an opportunity to "build trust." I would meet the request and let them know that when they follow through with what they said they would do it helps me trust them, build a relationship, etc. but if they don't it hurts our trust and may influence how I react when making future decisions. Obviously it's important to use age appropriate language but I think framing it as a way to build trust is good for kids and can be a way to teach kids valuable relationship/friendship skills, if you have the type of kid who needs or wants more control in their life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508912 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 21:26:04 +0000 irene 2508912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Raindrop: Thank you my dear...! It is a good suggestion on the handwashing - that's what we do usually when he refuse to go to the potty (I learned it from a friend: I'd say, OK I'll go first you go second. Then he'd want to go immediately), just that I was at wits' end when someone was waiting to wash their hands and I just survived two tantrums I was kinda ticked off to be "creative", you know! I can't give into the cookie battle because I am definitely NOT eating that gigantic cookie so no way I am sharing that with him at all, and husband won't eat it either. I am not paying something $6 for a thing that I have to throw in the trash... besides that would lead to meltdowns such as and not limited to, I want to eat the cookie right NOW (instead of dinner), or I want to get that other cookie/toy/candy/unicorn right now in another store. I'd rather go through a public meltdown show than giving into that one. The entrance.... hmm maybe next time I can handle it in a softer way.... again it is one of those things that I do not want to give in, because honestly, a child is supposed to follow the adults, not the other way around. (Or that's my naive belief in utopia :wink: )</p> <p>I eat out alone with DS quite often and we always have such a blast! He is usually very well behaved but recently I don't know what happened. That's why I am getting quite sad and disappointed and wonder what 4 year old has done to my sweet boy.... :-( The other day I saw a lady she was eating out alone with 3 of her children (I am guessing 4-7 years old?), and in the middle of the meal, one of her kids need to go to the potty and there is no restroom inside the restaurant (it was in the mall), so she had to take all 3 kids AND their belongings and leave the restaurant to the bathroom and came back. My hats off to her a million times. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508434 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 14:24:33 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2508434@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@edelweiss: I like your example because it is a perfect microcosm of the power struggle vs "work with" model. I also would not have asked to stop tapping but might have asked him to get up from the table to tap elsewhere. My DH and I started dealing with table manners earlier this year. We both decided that we wanted him to sit at table nicely/quietly and eat with no toys. We realized though that he probably couldn't do that for more than ten minutes so when we are at home we let him get down as soon as he loses interest and starts making messes/noise<br /> This is partially because DH and I tend to linger over dinner so we knew it was foolhardy to expect him to sit for 35 minutes. But if we had wanted him to sit with us then I guess we would have had to ease up on the no toy/no mess/no noise rule. Because I love to eat and can't bear to have meals interrupted with constant nagging. When we r out at restaurants we have had to explain that you have to sit and wait for the check etc. If a meal is getting long I take him outside. And sometimes our parents/ILs balk that he expects to get down but I also expect his endurance with time @ table will increase over time but I do expect him to sit at table toy free and eat/engage with us for some amount of time. To me quality Trump quantity but for others it would be different, just depends on the family and where they draw their boundaries. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508431 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 14:22:49 +0000 Raindrop 2508431@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: *Big Hugs*</p> <p>About your Friday experience ... </p> <p>"He insisted he MUST enter through the side doors and I must follow him"- You are such a strong mom... I probably would have just went in the side doors. I am a wimp and would just roll with it.</p> <p>"He grabbed a gigantic piece of cookie that is bigger than his face at the counter and demanded he wanted it." - I would have probably bought it and saved it for later saying that if he ate all his dinner he can have that for dessert. Or I would have distracted him by talking about other food and slowly putting the cookie back.</p> <p>"He had soap on his hands he then started saying how the water from the faucet will be burning hot (it is not) and he wouldn't put his hands there." - Talking it out was a great idea! For me when LO is being difficult about stuff like this I make it a game... Let's see who can wash their hands the fastest.. I bet mommy will win!! Funny thing is after a while LO had the opposite problem and started wasting water with not wanting to stop washing his hands so now I sing the ABCs and he has to be done by the time I get to Z.</p> <p>"I took him out of the restaurant and just sat with him outside and said you have to calm down before we go back in." - I would have done the exact same thing!! </p> <p>"People probably wonder what a horrible horrible mother with a spoiled spoiled brat." - I'm going to bet my bottom dollar that no one thought this. I would even bet that they thought you were doing a fantastic job by trying to manage your son without bothering other restaurant goers.</p> <p>*big hugs* I feel like a lot of us have been here... I have never actually eaten out alone with LO but a few times we (DH and I) had to leave and 1 of us just brought LO to the car while the other person asked for the check and box up our food as quickly as possible during a dinner out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508424 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 14:12:31 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2508424@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I remember your post about Beyond Consequences. I didn't read the book but the idea held appeal to me. Would that apply with the boundary testing you're dealing with these days? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508408 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 13:58:59 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2508408@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a three year old so I don't worry as much about setting lifelong habits as I would with older kids but I try to take the "unconditional parenting" approach of "work with" instead of power struggling. Meaning if teeth get brushed and books get read and general bed time is adhered to, then order doesn't matter to me. I do power struggle... But only over things that matter to me (safety, treatment of others mainly). I also try to think of things as routines rather than rules. Meaning that enforcement comes from habit rather than power struggle. This does mean though that when I disrupt the routine (we go out to dinner..get home late..toys don't get picked up), then I have to own how I contributed to the routine not being followed. Also try to keep in mind that we are trying to set up good habits, but even as an adult I sometimes procrastinate, eat poorly, etc. So having sky high standards for my kid is unrealistic. Also by teaching him to associate a routine with something negative increases the likelihood that my kid will choose not to participate in that routine when he has choice later in life. Example I think that kids who never ate vegetables and kids who were forced to clean their plates are equally likely to become picky non-veggie eaters. So we serve veggies but do not react when our child chooses not to eat them. Also though it is ok to admit that you need the break...IE..OK we can read books before teeth brushing but that means only one book because mommy is tired and needs to rest too. I frequently appeal to my own fatigue when my kids requests are reasonable but too numerous to fulfill. That way I'm not shaming him for being a kid but instead maintaining my own boundaries. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508403 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 13:56:09 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2508403@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: This! Though, this usually prompts attitude from my little guy. I give him one last chance...knock it off completely, or no stories. There have been times when he's gone to bed with no stories, and I've gotten my way. The next day he's better. I think the follow through on the discipline is key...I take something away if he doesn't want to listen, and he still has to do what I'm asking him to do. If he's good the next night...maybe he'll get the privilege back. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508261 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 12:34:16 +0000 Boogs 2508261@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Totally happens here. Sometimes when it has been a long week and I'm exhausted, I do give in, but it's rare. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508234 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 12:23:54 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2508234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I completely hear that, I worry about being too permissive and letting it become a slippery slope, but I do try to find compromises and ways to work around things that aren't potentially a big deal. IE, I probably would have said (if my kid was still resisting after I said no, teeth first), "how about we read 1 book, then you brush your teeth, then we read the rest?" or something like that. My kid is not even 3 so I anticipate these battles to become more frequent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508225 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 12:21:00 +0000 edelweiss 2508225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>it depends on what it is and how i am feeling at that moment. for example, i don't like it when he taps his plastic spoon on the table. i asked him to stop, told him it bothered my ears, but he continued to do it because he was trying to get a rise out of me. i didn't have the energy to battle over good table manners that day.</p> <p>with your situation, i could have gone either way. you know your son best, and it sounds like you know from experience that if you let him change the routine this time, that it might to further unhinging of the routine. good for you for staying strong. it's not an empty victory--he was testing you and found out your limit on that. doesn't feel as good as a glass of wine though, which is what i would be drinking right after that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2508182 Mon, 28 Mar 2016 11:54:30 +0000 irene 2508182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had no advice but I came up here and was wondering about the same thing. My son (4 year old now) is SO DIFFICULT nowadays. Everything has to be HIS way and if not, he'd break out into a crying spell + tantrums. Like this morning he threw a tantrum because I said no videos until he put on his clothes and come downstairs to join me for breakfast. He was screaming and crying and pretend he couldn't pull up his pants and asked me for help (which he is ALWAYS able to do that by himself). Then he went into his closet to find another shirt because obviously he didn't want to wear the one I picked out. I refused to help him with his pants but I let him pick a new shirt. Even washing his hands or washing his hands WITH SOAP can be such a BATTLE. Because he doesn't WANT TO. Gahhh.... I want to quote worse examples, but I think my self defense mechanism has repressed those memories even though they only happened yesterday or two days before lol.</p> <p>I think last night we had a similar fight, that he wanted to read books before brushing his teeth which I didn't let him. He whined and then goes, I should be able to do WHATEVER I WANT! That really pushed my buttons. I was like, yes you can do whatever you want when you grew up, but you are still young, so me and your daddy are your parents and we are here to guide you onto the right path. Then he started complaining how "guide" is a bad world. blah blah. Gosh. I don't know. But I seemed to have lost control of my son :-(</p> <p>I am with you, I don't want to give in because I fear that it will mean he would get worse and further push the boundaries and become more and more difficult.</p> <p>Just thought I'd say yes I am having the same problem and I don't know where did it go wrong...</p> <p>ETA: OK. I remember now. Friday I took him to a dinner date at his favorite restaurant. I parked. Everything was good and he was generally very happy until I enter through the front door. He insisted he MUST enter through the side doors and I must follow him (I already pushed open the front door). I ignored him and I went through the front. Meltdown. He did finally come in through the front door while crying like someone died. I went to the counter to order. He grabbed a gigantic piece of cookie that is bigger than his face at the counter and demanded he wanted it. I said no and again, Huge huge meltdown. Finally we left the counter and I let him pick a table. He picked a table and I said let's go wash our hands. He had soap on his hands he then started saying how the water from the faucet will be burning hot (it is not) and he wouldn't put his hands there. A long talk + struggle. Since his hands were covered in soap, people were waiting, and there is only one basin I forced his hands under the faucet to wash off the soap. MELTDOWN. We came out from the bathroom, I took him out of the restaurant and just sat with him outside and said you have to calm down before we go back in. It used to work, but it didn't work at all that day. He just kept crying and crying. Even the servers were confused if they should bring the food out. Sigh. People probably wonder what a horrible horrible mother with a spoiled spoiled brat. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506544 Fri, 25 Mar 2016 09:00:23 +0000 looch 2506544@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had to level set expectatons with my son, he is part of a family and that involves certain expectations. When he veers off into not remembering, we have a sit down and we talk about what is expected. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506537 Fri, 25 Mar 2016 08:53:29 +0000 Smurfette 2506537@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lovehoneybee: We do the same. She doesn't want to go potty, brush her teeth, etc, then we ask her if she wants to read a story or not. It shapes her up really fast. But there have been times where it didn't and she goes to bed without stories, which she is pissed about. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506519 Fri, 25 Mar 2016 08:31:58 +0000 brownepiano 2506519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes and he's only two! The more we stick to our guns the easier it seems to get though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506430 Fri, 25 Mar 2016 07:34:34 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2506430@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lion: The timer is a good tip! I may have to try that for my 4.5 yr old. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506413 Fri, 25 Mar 2016 07:11:07 +0000 Mamaof2 2506413@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I think this is one of those pick your battles things - does it REALLY matter when he brushes his teeth or just that its done?</p> <p>eta: at this age its just as important that they are allowed to have control over some things as it that they follow thru with your rules when you need them too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506349 Fri, 25 Mar 2016 00:03:57 +0000 mrbee 2506349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: I was so tempted to do just that! The wrinkle is that everything with my son these days seems to be about testing boundaries... so I worry that if I relent on this one issue, I'll be opening up a can of worms.</p> <p>But maybe I'm overthinking it. In any case, clearly what I'm doing now isn't working!! So I will try out your approach, and cross my fingers!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506341 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 23:39:05 +0000 Mama Bird 2506341@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hummusgirl: yeah, I think the same thing. It seems like a reasonable request on the surface, but if it turned into a disaster I'd dig in my heels the next time. </p> <p>We do have these awful battles though. Sometimes I walk away feeling I've done the right thing, and sometimes I feel I've made a mountain out of a molehill and really shouldn't have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506299 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 22:29:47 +0000 hummusgirl 2506299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In this situation, I would give in once and if it's a disaster, then would stick to my guns the next time. I'd probably say, "Ok, you want to brush your teeth after we read books. That sounds reasonable and I trust you to do it then." Then if he gives you a hard time, you can start the battle of wills. And if he asks again the next day say "Yesterday you asked to brush teeth after books but then you didn't follow through. That showed me that we should keep the schedule the way it was," or something like that. </p> <p>Basically, as long as bedtime stays at the same time, I wouldn't mind letting him have some control of minor things. My parents used to always say "because I'm the parent and I said so!" It made me crazy so I try to pick my battles more. </p> <p>Of course, my LO is only 3.5 and we've been having a hard time getting him to go the f*** to sleep, so what do I know!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506142 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 20:15:54 +0000 mrbee 2506142@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lion: Those techniques all stopped working for my son! Now that he's a bit older, it's a constant battle of wills in our house... I need some new techniques! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506116 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 19:54:01 +0000 ShootingStar 2506116@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, we definitely have battles. I give him lots of chances, but I rarely let him win because he'll walk all over me. If I was in you shoes I would've told him no books, immediate lights out if he didn't want to brush his teeth first. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506108 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 19:46:57 +0000 Foodnerd81 2506108@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Raindrop: when I tell my kid something is making me sad (it makes me sad when you won't try the dinner I made) she smiles and goes, "and mad!" Ugh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506083 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 19:33:45 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2506083@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: I set a timer and if we aren't ready for bed before the timer goes off, no books. It only took one rough bedtime for him to understand the consequence, and ever since he gets moving when the timer goes on.If he refuses to brush his teeth I brush them for him. I ask him if he is going to do it or if I should. No need for a battle of wills. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2506079 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 19:30:43 +0000 lovehoneybee 2506079@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Totally, but I draw a hard line. I give him a choice: he can either brush his teeth and then read stories or we can not read stories at all. On the flip side he knows if he's a good listener and is well-behaved he gets extra stories. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2505968 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 17:18:05 +0000 Raindrop 2505968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Haha This happens a lot. Though I have figured out that LO is fearful of getting me mad (I’m actually not sure why he’s scared but I think it might be that he has rarely seen me mad). All I have to say is mommy is getting mad, if I start counting and get to three it’s not going to be pretty. He gets in line.</p> <p>I think have a pretty sensitive kid though. If DH and I are discussing something, sometimes we get passionate and raise our voice to make our point … I noticed that LO will rush over to distract us or put his little hands over our mouths to stop us from fighting. We are usually not really fighting fights. I think this happened during our white chocolate is not chocolate talk. Haha. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2505965 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 17:09:58 +0000 Foodnerd81 2505965@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Every. Effing. Day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-battle-of-wills-with-your-lo#post-2505964 Thu, 24 Mar 2016 17:09:13 +0000 mrbee 2505964@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does anyone else have these on a regular basis?</p> <p>Two nights ago, my son absolutely refused to brush his teeth before I read him his books. He insisted on brushing them *after* I read the books. But if I agreed to that, it would set a terrible precedent for bedtimes to come - so I didn't allow it. Cue WW3, aka the Battle of Wills... it was exhausting. I was tempted to give in but didn't, and so we had a massive faceoff of two extremely stubborn people.</p> <p>I eventually won, but it was so painful it felt like a Pyrrhic victory. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth having these battles... I keep hoping that it will teach him that he can't just have his way, but it doesn't seem to be working.</p> <p>Does anyone else have a battle of wills with your LO? Do you ever just give in, or do you battle it out? </p>