https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 04 Apr 2026 00:21:44 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1665438 Thu, 29 May 2014 11:48:24 +0000 lizzywiz 1665438@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SwanSong: @MsLipGloss: I so agree. Not prepared to roll the dice again now that I understand what I may have to go through (again).</p> <p>Loved the article. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662900 Wed, 28 May 2014 13:37:50 +0000 MsLipGloss 1662900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SwanSong: what happened during my pg and delivery, combined with LO's health issues (resolved via surgery at 8 months) is a huge factor for me/us being 99% sure we are one and done. I feel like we beat the odds and won the lottery, so to speak, with a good outcome. I am not ready--or prepared--to roll those dice again. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662835 Wed, 28 May 2014 13:25:03 +0000 alohaorchid 1662835@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not a mother but I still read the article and I loved it. It definitely struck a chord with me even though I've never given birth.</p> <p>I was in the recovery room with a friend after she gave birth and she was saying how horrible her experience was and her sister in law cut her off and said "but look at the little baby". You could tell my friend felt dejected and unimportant and I have always felt like that is so wrong.</p> <p>Something similar might have already been mentioned but I thought I would post this anyway. A FB friend gave birth a year ago to twins. One was perfectly healthy and the other one was not born healthy. She found out about his health issues while she was still pregnant. She posted an article about how a couple chose not to find out the sex of their baby but did find out that there was something "wrong". It went on to say how much it would sting every time they told someone they weren't finding out the sex and the person would respond with "as long as it's healthy". It really made me think about the things we say without even really thinking about it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662799 Wed, 28 May 2014 13:12:49 +0000 Dagny 1662799@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love this article, but I REALLY love reading all of your posts. So many amazing mamas here. Thank you all for your words - they are so powerful. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662771 Wed, 28 May 2014 13:06:16 +0000 SwanSong 1662771@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I rarely post but this really struck me. I have always hated this saying and since having a preemie I loathe it. I didnt have a healthy baby and I feel like it gets brushed aside, even now at almost 16 months I hear "at least he is healthy now," which I am ever so thankful for but it doesn't make his birth and subsequent time in the NICU any less traumatic, and really it is the only holding me back from going for number 2, I am just not ready and am afriad of having to go through all of that again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662727 Wed, 28 May 2014 12:52:30 +0000 Boheme 1662727@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ash: Your feelings are completely valid :heart: I get tired of people's assumptions that women aren't allowed to feel hurt or grief over their birth because their baby was ok in the end. Mamas matter too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662710 Wed, 28 May 2014 12:49:46 +0000 Ash 1662710@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hated my birth experience and not because of anything traumatic but because not a darn thing went as planned... But when I tell my story I always say "at least I have a healthy baby"... Because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. But 6 months later and I'm still really bothered by it all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662706 Wed, 28 May 2014 12:46:51 +0000 Boheme 1662706@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662692 Wed, 28 May 2014 12:41:48 +0000 PixieStix 1662692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I completely agree with this also. I'm also surprised at how many of you didn't have a pleasant birthing experience.</p> <p>Mine was rougher on me than I expected as well. Ended up having an Emergency C section like a couple of you. I had Stadol (sp?) and an epidural and wonder if the medications I took had some kinda affect on my baby's HR dropping.</p> <p>Following the C section I too felt a little disconnected from my kiddo. My husband was so happy and all I could do was smile and feel exhausted and sorry for myself. On top of it all my kiddo wasn't latching for breastfeeding, so the nurses kept waking us up in the middle of the night to try and feed. It was really depressing for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662651 Wed, 28 May 2014 12:27:46 +0000 coopsmama 1662651@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: Yes, this. It is really painful to hear others downplay my feelings over my son's delivery. My MIL actually told someone that I had just not been prepared enough and that I did not have enough endurance to make it through my delivery (which is complete BS since I did endure and after 36 hours had my son). It was the biggest slap in the face. I don't think I'll be sharing my birth story with her this go around regardless of how it goes - it's just not worth her commentary. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662602 Wed, 28 May 2014 12:12:59 +0000 MsLipGloss 1662602@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@grizz: Yes. Although the OB the delivered my LO fully acknowledged it was a brutal delivery (he told me that he could all but guarantee an easier delivery with any subsequent children) there were a few people close to me who were dismissive and minimized how traumatic the delivery was. That was where the true damage, for me, occurred. The betrayal I felt--and still feel--was as difficult to process as the delivery itself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662511 Wed, 28 May 2014 11:45:00 +0000 babynumber1 1662511@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I went into my birth saying "all that matters is a healthy Momma and a healthy baby" I did not have a great birth experience. I was induced and had to have an emergency c section. It was not over the top traumatic, but it was not ideal. Recovery sucked. But due to experiences like @Dandelion: all that matters to me and my husband is a healthy baby and a healthy Momma. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1662448 Wed, 28 May 2014 11:24:48 +0000 mrskc 1662448@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wonderstruck: I don't know the details of your birth or anything. But maybe the difference is that your providers understood that you went through a lot and didn't dismiss your feelings? I think it sounds like with some of the women on here, people completely disregarded what they went through and that hurt them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659540 Tue, 27 May 2014 08:08:15 +0000 LovelyPlum 1659540@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: you're so right, it shouldn't be a choice!</p> <p>My delivery was not traumatic, but yet somehow I still find myself feeling a little disappointed that it was not as empowering as I hoped that it would be. I'm not sure that anything could have been done to change that, but I really hate that I felt completely unprepared, and really not very excited, to meet my baby. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.</p> <p>@jedeve: this! I think that's what bothers me most about the phrase. Don't unhealthy babes count, too? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659431 Tue, 27 May 2014 06:07:49 +0000 Cherrybee 1659431@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that a healthy baby is the most important thing and given the choice between a wonderful birth experience OR a healthy baby, I would choose the healthy baby - and face whatever horrors were required to ensure that. But it shouldn't be a choice - wherever possible, you should be able to have both and, at the very least, you should be treated with respect and care. </p> <p>I loved this line: </p> <p>"This allows them to begin motherhood feeling strong, capable and mentally healthy – surely the best way to be when you are about to be given another human being's fragile developing psychology to hold tenderly in the palm of your hand?"</p> <p>I started motherhood on entirely the wrong foot. Utterly sleep deprived following a 4 day induction, denied pain relief; I was completely traumatised for weeks after and it affected my ability to care for and bond with my daughter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659404 Tue, 27 May 2014 05:23:36 +0000 ElbieKay 1659404@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you! I was very worried winding up with an unnecessary c-section. I think that is a perfectly valid concern in the U.S. right now. So, I did a lot of research and made some decisions during my pregnancy to reduce that risk. (I switched to a new OB and hospital at the end of my second trimester.) At one point my mother said that c-section wouldn't be that bad as long as I have a healthy baby. It's good we were on the phone because otherwise I would have had a hard time resisting the urge to kick her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659399 Tue, 27 May 2014 04:48:40 +0000 Lolo 1659399@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This article hit the nail on the head about how I am feeling right now. I am 16 weeks preganant with my first child and living in the Middle East due to my husbands work. My hospital experiences here so far have been awful and I truly believe are already impacting on my mental health and wellbeing. I have decided that I will return to the UK to deliver. I have already been met with the dreaded line 'all that matters..', mainly by my inlaws who have encouraged me to stay as 'babys are born in much worse circumstances all over the world'. I have been feeling pretty selfish that I want a positive (where possible) birth experience for my child and I. I am truly grateful for this insight, thanks for posting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659363 Tue, 27 May 2014 01:08:32 +0000 nana87 1659363@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Personally, I loved the way my birth turned out even though it wasn't what I'd wanted beforehand ( induced rather than unmedicated). But I so agree w this article! Esp this line:"how a woman is spoken to and treated as she has her baby is much much more important than the actual mode of delivery." In my induction I was still treated w respect and felt my needs and wishes were being honored, even when I had an epi after 12 hours on pit I felt in control </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659355 Tue, 27 May 2014 00:35:47 +0000 Boheme 1659355@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I love this, and wholeheartedly agree. People would hear how horrific my labor and delivery were, and dismiss it saying "Well, at least you got a healthy baby", or "You set yourself up for disappointment by taking those birth classes". </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659282 Mon, 26 May 2014 22:59:14 +0000 daniellemybelle 1659282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really appreciate &amp; identify with this. I also felt silenced by this phrase &amp; I felt a lot of pressure to be grateful for my healthy baby. This sounds horrible but immediately post partum my physical &amp; emotional pain from my traumatic birth/C section overshadowed my gratitude for my daughter. Now of course I would have my body sliced open 100 times to protect my precious girl but I didn't know her or really love her yet. Unfortunately I think bonding is affected by traumatic births &amp; that only contributes to your inability to heal emotionally. But it's not acceptable to admit all of that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659263 Mon, 26 May 2014 22:34:32 +0000 jedeve 1659263@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree, it's not all that matters. The rest of the article I was kind of eh on, but I'm not someone who really cares about particulars of their birth experience. </p> <p>But it as annoying phrase. For one, it's dismissive of mothers who do t bring home a healthy baby. Doesn't that matter too? Did they "fail" somehow? No! Their experience matters. </p> <p>I love when people talk about "momma and baby doing fine." It reminds me that not doing fine is an outcome too - that no matter how you do it, you are risking your life to give birth. And it's something to come through. There are a million different outcomes to birth and they all matter. </p> <p>I think someone told me once "at least you have your health" when I was talking about being diagnosed with a chronic illness. </p> <p>I think a healthy baby makes it all worthwhile. But that doesnt mean the rest doesn't matter. It is a weird thing to say. It's like saying "please stop talking about the birth; I'd rather pretend babies just are brought by storks." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1659252 Mon, 26 May 2014 22:17:20 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 1659252@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like how well she represented all types of births. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658966 Mon, 26 May 2014 19:01:00 +0000 Mrs. Confetti 1658966@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrskc: my doula ALSO posted this article - thought it was great!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658946 Mon, 26 May 2014 18:36:18 +0000 MoonMoon 1658946@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is a weirdly anti-woman thing to say. I mean, we're not vessels, we have the right to process things and have complex emotions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658912 Mon, 26 May 2014 18:06:10 +0000 loveisstrange 1658912@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Arden: Hugs, love. I've been there too. :heart: I hope you find some peace.</p> <p>I find phrase dismissive and agree with the article. I do think the mother matters too. I was deeply effected by my birth experience. It changed who i am as a person and how i see the world. Yes, i brought my daughter home okay... but I wasn't okay. That should matter too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658893 Mon, 26 May 2014 17:53:11 +0000 Arden 1658893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Corduroy: This. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658886 Mon, 26 May 2014 17:49:00 +0000 Corduroy 1658886@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think this is an important message. I had a lot of feelings around LOs birth and I hated getting "a healthy baby is all that matters." I felt incredibly guilty because I not only got a healthy baby but I had the unmedicated, vaginal delivery I wanted. Still I was not at peace with LOs delivery. I felt like the most selfish mother in the world. Messages like this made a world of difference to me post partum. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658840 Mon, 26 May 2014 17:13:30 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 1658840@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Arden: same!</p> <p>Thanks for posting this... I look back at my labour and mostly recovery with a shudder and it makes me so sad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658837 Mon, 26 May 2014 17:08:43 +0000 Arden 1658837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I felt very silenced by the phrase. It hurt, it still hurts. To hear "Well you should just be thankful your baby is healthy", it makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I stop telling people when they ask how I'm doing. </p> <p>It's especially rough to hear it from your provider. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/a-healthy-baby-is-not-all-that-matters#post-1658832 Mon, 26 May 2014 17:04:59 +0000 wonderstruck 1658832@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've never taken this phrase so literally or felt silenced by it, despite the fact that my birth experience was nothing like what I'd planned. What I take it to mean is that even if things don't turn out the way you had planned, sometimes we have to make sacrifices for what is THE most important thing - which, as we agree, is a healthy baby. I've never had anyone, my midwife and hospital staff included, act as if it didn't matter that I had gone through a lot and not had the birth I wanted, they basically just acknowledged that I was strong and brave and did what I had to do to bring my baby into the world, even when it was hard and painful and totally not what I wanted to do. </p>