https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 04 May 2026 19:56:52 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/4#post-2519268 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 22:39:38 +0000 LML 2519268@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@deerylou: Thanks. I do appreciate that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/4#post-2519236 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 21:28:13 +0000 deerylou 2519236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LML: And since you used some of the language I used in my response, I wanted to let you know where I was coming from. If I personally offended you, or if my intentions were muddled, I do apologize, as that wasn't my aim.</p> <p>While I am not a parent to a child with special needs, I do have children and adults of all abilities in my life; students, friends and family. Most of my professional experience in special education has revolved around children and teens with severe cognitive delays and developmental disabilities. There is no doubt each and every one of them bestow heaps of joy, inspiration and laughter upon all those lucky enough to know and adore them - including me. The focus of what I was trying to say is that many of the parents I've grown close to have expressed feeling an expectation or pressure to be perpetually inspirational (that's where my analogy of the after school special came in). They have admitted to feeling that they have to constantly play up a role of "chosen parent" on a special path, and fear admitting to the bad days, the guilt, the safety concerns, the heartache. I'll never forget a comment I received in reference to working with a child with DS; that wouldn't it be nice to have a kid who was happy and affectionate all the time instead of a "normal" one with mood swings. That's the kind of stereotype I was referencing, but if it came out wrong, it wasn't my intent.</p> <p>The point of my response was not to say that individuals with disabilities evoke regret or that they ruin lives. I could go on and on about the ways in which my students and family member have bettered my life in astronomical ways. And I know their parents feel the same. My reply was mainly in reference to the "other" side of things.</p> <p>While the experiences of my friends aren't necessarily your experience, I offered my perspective in response to some of what I read here, prior. I hope my explanation makes sense. I'm sure your daughter, like any other child, blesses and fulfills you and your family in amazing ways. Thanks for sharing your perspective! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/4#post-2519232 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 21:25:53 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2519232@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This has been such an interesting and eye opening thread.<br /> If anyone is interested I've just discovered an awesome podcast called Only Human - I listened to an episode this morning focusing on an OB GYN who was a devout born again protestant and didn't perform abortions on the basis of his religious values for the first 10 years of his career, and how his opinion and religious reflection on the subject has changed in the last 10 years. It is absolutely fascinating and touches on (and delves into) a lot of the issues raised in this thread, including late term abortion and TFMR, and the states which have only 1 or 2 centres which will perform safe late term terminations. There is some audio in the podcast which could be triggering but they do a good job of alerting you to it and it can be skipped. </p> <p>Check it out:<br /> <a href="http://www.wnyc.org/story/safe-abortion-south/" rel="nofollow">http://www.wnyc.org/story/safe-abortion-south/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/4#post-2519181 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 20:30:45 +0000 winniebee 2519181@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LML: Thank you for sharing your story :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/4#post-2519178 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 20:30:03 +0000 winniebee 2519178@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Zbug: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/4#post-2519156 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 20:04:21 +0000 LML 2519156@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: It wasn't your story or comments that bothered me specifically. I appreciate your perspective and agree that there definitely need to be more and better supports in place for adults with disabilities. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/4#post-2517899 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 06:09:33 +0000 looch 2517899@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LML: I appreciate you putting yourself out there, it is certainly not easy. The core of what I was trying to address is that having a disabled baby is different than having a disabled adult. the struggles that families have change. It's not about not loving a child or having a ruined life. I was 8 when my brother was born and I can not be part of an honest and open discussion if I gloss over the hardships it has caused over the last 32 years. We almost lost him this fall and to see my parents face that was more devastating than the last 32 years combined and multiplied by infinity. </p> <p>I've put a lot out there on this thread and I feel like I am at the end of what I feel comfortable sharing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2517859 Thu, 07 Apr 2016 00:37:02 +0000 Zbug 2517859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I terminated for medical reasons last month, and I have to say that you really don't know how you are going to feel until you are actually faced with the situation. It's very easy to say what you would do as a hypothetical, but much harder when it becomes your life. We very much wanted the pregnancy, and my tfmr was one of the worst things that have ever happened to me. You have to think about what is best for you, for the baby and for your family. Honestly, I had to put what was best for me last and think about potential suffering of an unborn baby and a potentially very difficult life for my DD. Big hugs for anyone who has ever faced the same impossible situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2517842 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 23:17:30 +0000 coopsmama 2517842@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@LML: Thank you for saying this. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2517813 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 22:25:30 +0000 LML 2517813@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just for the record, it is possible to have a disabled child and not be miserable, or have your marriage destroyed, or give up hope on ever being happy. Some of us actually DO treasure smiles and hugs from our special needs children. It's not an act that we put on because we feel the need to act out an after school special. </p> <p>I'm pro-choice, so I don't disagree with that part of the discussion, but somehow it turned into a discussion of how a special needs child = a ruined life. I know I'm probably taking these comments too personally, but I can't let it go without commenting. My daughter is amazing. She's not an inconvenient impediment to my hypothetical future as an empty nester, or my ability to take child-free vacations. It is worth giving up a lifetime of child-free vacations to be her mother, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. </p> <p>So I agree that everyone should do what they personally need to do when faced with a prenatal diagnosis, but I wanted it stated for the record that not all of us with special needs children have ruined our lives. If that were true, there wouldn't be people out there who choose to adopt special needs children. And that happens. It is in fact one of the only things left to convince me that there is a force of good in the world. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2517493 Wed, 06 Apr 2016 15:18:54 +0000 Mrs. Chocolate 2517493@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just read this and havent had time to read all the responses but my heart goes out to this author as well as the applaud her for shedding light on such a touchy and private and important message indeed. I really agree with @adira in that an abortion is an abortion whether its because of a sad choice like this or for something else. If we try to change the name to only label what we believe is an abortion we are allowing more and more limits to be placed on woman when really we need more choices and the ability to have these procedures if and when we want no matter what the reason. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2506730 Fri, 25 Mar 2016 12:39:06 +0000 Torchwood 2506730@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am so freaking angry right now! Indiana has now passed a bill criminalizing abortion for, among other things, fetal defects. If we had been in Indiana, and found out about R's issues early enough that we could have aborted in state, the doctor could go to jail for doing it. For something that was BEST FOR THE BABY. Fuck everyone of the asshole politicians who think this shit is okay.</p> <p><a href="http://feministing.com/2016/03/25/indiana-passed-a-fetal-defect-abortion-ban-and-put-some-other-restrictions-in-too/" rel="nofollow">http://feministing.com/2016/03/25/indiana-passed-a-fetal-defect-abortion-ban-and-put-some-other-restrictions-in-too/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504676 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 18:14:52 +0000 delight 2504676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms.Badger: I do feel fortunate that I was supported through everything. My friends admitted in the aftermath that either they would have done the same thing or that they have no idea what they would have chosen if placed in my shoes. I was expecting some people to react negatively but besides my mom, no one did. </p> <p>I am so sorry for your loss of Lucas. Without opening up a can of worms, to me there are different layers of loss. I have experienced early losses and my late loss and they are all gut wrenching but I can't fathom losing my DD. You are a strong woman and I thank you for commenting and sharing your story here too. </p> <p>@winniebee: I was also prepared for this thread to get closed down quickly. That is why I wanted to put in my two cents this morning and express my gratitude to the community before I lost my chance! It has been a good discussion. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504674 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 18:09:25 +0000 GoGoSnoGirl 2504674@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So many tears reading this article. :crying: </p> <p>We tested with the "knowledge is power" mantra &amp; I have no idea what choice I would have made had we been faced with a similar diagnosis as the author. I am a pro-choice Catholic--if that is actually possible--and would never try to make this decision for any other woman.</p> <p>So much love to you ladies here who have had to make this decision. :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504668 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 17:57:55 +0000 winniebee 2504668@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms.Badger: you make such a good point About late term losses. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504667 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 17:57:00 +0000 DesertDreams88 2504667@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: I still consider myself both morally and legally pro-life in almost all cases; but I wanted to let you know that reading your story through your blog really helped me understand the compassion and love that can go into a TFMR decision. I have a friend that constantly shares those "pro life" stories where a woman carries her baby full term even despite a fatal diagnosis, and I always sigh, think of the complexities that aren't being conveyed, think of the sadness that must be there despite all the joy discussed in the articles, and think of your love for River and how you wanted her to have a peaceful passing even though that meant a gut-wrenching decision for you. Your experience demonstrates that a mother can fully respect her child's humanity and love them, but also choose to end their life here on Earth; two concepts I had difficulty believing could coexist but they do. Thank you for sharing it with us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504666 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 17:56:58 +0000 winniebee 2504666@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really impressed with the discussion today, even among differing viewpoints. I have to say when I posted this I was prepared for a sh*tstorm. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504644 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 17:27:39 +0000 ElbieKay 2504644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any personal experience with this topic, but I just want to thank everyone for your very thoughtful contributions. It has been a worthwhile read for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504633 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 16:47:36 +0000 Torchwood 2504633@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsjd: Yes! Though there are still extremists among women as well (like my family 😣), it still would surely be better if we had more women in government positions to stand up for us!</p> <p>@Ms.Badger: Yep, we didn't find out till 20 weeks. At that point it would have been legal here, but only for another week or two. And the woman doing the guest post for me- she found out while it was still legal, but no one would actually do it. Late term bans make me FURIOUS, because they almost never happen just because someone doesn't want the baby anymore. And going by viability is crap because that's just a measure of medical technology at this point. Viability in this situation should refer to ability to survive outside the womb with no medical assistance, or they need a better measure. Theoretically we could get to the point we could have the ability to gestate a baby entirely in the lab. Do we then outlaw all abortions because technically they could survive even at 6 weeks? Grr. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504616 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 16:24:28 +0000 Ms.Badger 2504616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@delight: I so glad that you felt supported and accepted through your loss. One thing that I couldn't get out of my head when we were going through our loss is that our decisions for Lucas was accepted and supported and understood because he was a dying child....did parents who had to make essentially the very same tough decisions but before their baby was born get similar support or were they judged? I couldn't imagine adding a layer of shame and anger at the judgement and the inevitable extra torturing myself with whether it was the right decision to the already heavy, emotionally loaded time. So glad that the people around you understood that.</p> <p>I think this has been a very civil conversation about a very tough subject. One thing that hasn't been brought up, is that many of these in-utero diagnoses are not made until the 20 week anatomy scan. So much of the work of the anti-choice lobby has been in eliminating "late-term" abortions and setting earlier and earlier dates of "viability". Many of the families that would be impacted by these bans would be families aborting for medical reasons detected around 20 weeks, leaving very little time for confirmation (genetically, better scans), medical opinion from specialists, time to make the very difficult decisions, and then time to schedule and travel for the procedure if that's their ultimate decision. I hate that these considerations are so often left out when politicians talk about how women have plenty of time to make the decision so banning later-term abortions isn't a big deal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504612 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 16:22:39 +0000 schubr03 2504612@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lawbee11: I totally 100% agree with you! I don't morally agree with the idea of an abortion for the sake of birth control, however, I do believe that it is EVERYONE'S choice about whether or not they can continue with a pregnancy! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504603 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 16:18:18 +0000 lamariniere 2504603@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I read that article earlier today. It was so interesting. I think it reinforces the idea that, until you are walking in someone else's shoes, you can never know what decisons you will have to make. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504598 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 16:09:48 +0000 mrsjd 2504598@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am chiming in to say I'm truly touched and heartened by the thoughtful discussion of viewpoints displayed by this post. My own belief is that thoughtful discussions like this are why we need more women represented in our national and state legislatures! Imagine if the national conversation mirrored this one. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504592 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 16:02:48 +0000 JenGirl 2504592@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As a genetic counselor, this is all very near and dear to my heart. I see patients will all levels of disability from very mild concerns to those that are completely debilitating. I also see a wide range of family reactions to these disabilities from families that cope very well to those that completely implode and devastate entire families. </p> <p>Working with hundreds of families with a family member with a disability has led me to really, truly, believe that everyone needs the right to make their own decisions about continuing or terminating a pregnancy that is affected by some sort of disorder. What's right for one family, will not be right for another and it's not up to me or anyone else to decide, it's up to that family.</p> <p>Personally, when I was pregnant I got screening for chromosomal abnormalities. My husband and I talked it through prior to getting the testing and decided that for the more severe disabilities, we would terminate and for the more mild ones we would not. We were lucky that everything was normal and our son is healthy. But we were prepared to make the decision to abort. </p> <p>I will also say that I struggle with terminology as a medical provider. I almost always use the term "terminate" or "end the pregnancy" or "not continue the pregnancy" or something like that rather than "abortion". I do this to try to make things easier for my patients. But this article makes me realize that this contributes to the societal views about abortion and the restrictions that are being placed on abortions. Because it's all the same in the eyes of the law, which doesn't care about my semantics work arounds. </p> <p>For all those that have had to go through abortions, especially for medical concerns, I have nothing but sympathy and support. It's an unimaginably hard situation and all you can do is make the best decision for you and your family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504589 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 15:57:29 +0000 schubr03 2504589@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you for sharing this article. I didn't read all of the responses on here, but I just have to say that, this definitely reaffirms my beliefs of allowing women to make their own choice. I think that this article can be used to help many people realize that the abortion issue cannot be black and white. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504558 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 15:21:04 +0000 Raindrop 2504558@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: Thanks for posting this. It has been interesting reading all the comments on this thread about this. I feel this is such a tough choice, I'm not sure what I would have done personally given this situation but I think people need to do what's right for them and their family.</p> <p>@Anagram: Thanks for sharing this. While reading it was a bit shocked about the treatment but after thinking about it, it feel like that's a great option for people in that situation. I never thought about having to carry an adult who is disable and that would be very tough but carrying a 4 year old would be a lot easier especially as the parents age. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504543 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 15:02:38 +0000 daniellemybelle 2504543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@delight: :heart: :heart: :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504542 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 14:57:39 +0000 MrsF 2504542@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Torchwood: @delight: @Mrs Green Grass: I've been so touched by your stories. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504540 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 14:55:55 +0000 MrsF 2504540@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@winniebee: Thanks so much for posting this. It is so important to remember what the word abortion includes when we discuss it and when we VOTE. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/abortion-wasnt-part-of-my-birth-plan/page/3#post-2504532 Wed, 23 Mar 2016 14:45:59 +0000 deerylou 2504532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: Yes. Parents of neurotypical children lament about unfamiliar drop-off care. And I get that; I do. But I feel it'd go a long way to imagine that being the only option for your very fragile child, provided through the state with very limited training. That's the reality for countless parents. Some families are lucky to have a trusted special educator who will offer at-home care services on the side, but that's far and few in between. And comes with a financial commitment.</p> <p>Adulthood is where it becomes nearly impossible. Disabled children age out of their inclusive support net, and suddenly, you're cast into darkness and closed doors. "Forgotten population" is right. Thank you for sharing your story. </p>