https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 05 Apr 2026 05:14:35 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869959 Thu, 31 Jan 2019 20:58:19 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2869959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom has Alzheimer’s and we placed her in assisted living a little over a year ago. It was too difficult to find care and coordinate it - she needed 24/7 help and my Dad wanted to be able to travel and didn’t feel like he could coordinate care if he traveled. You can try hiring someone from care.com or does she have any friends who have kids in high school or college you could hire to help out? My mom refused all help and stopped talking to you if you suggested it so we had to wait until she progressed and then place her. Fortunately my Dad was able to care for her at home until that point. I would absolutely move forward immediately with a guardianship action and then from there I would probably move her into assisted living and force a sale of the house to get rid of the boyfriend. All of this stuff takes time so she might still not move for a year or two.<br /> Also I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It’s incredibly hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869928 Thu, 31 Jan 2019 17:48:35 +0000 Silva 2869928@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: I really hope your family is helped by the support. So sorry you are in this situation, it sounds like the right call to be moving things forward </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869907 Thu, 31 Jan 2019 15:35:08 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2869907@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: Update: After an email from SIL to the doctor outlining all of the concerns, the doctor decided she was mandated to report. So APS has been called. They haven't shown up yet, but are expected to today or tomorrow. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869204 Mon, 28 Jan 2019 11:23:28 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2869204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Calibee: Thanks. At this point, it looks like no one is willing to change anything until May. I don't understand why not and I told my wife last night that I'm going to have to stop getting involved for my own sanity. That probably wasn't very nice, but I'm not really doing any good and it's making me nuts! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869066 Sun, 27 Jan 2019 11:13:22 +0000 Calibee 2869066@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: This sounds so hard. If she is referred to Aduke Services or you can otherwise get a social worker involved, maybe they will have some insights. Wishing you the best! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869058 Sun, 27 Jan 2019 10:40:17 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2869058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tanjowen: They are working on a diagnosis now. It's been nearly impossible to get her to consent to even go to the doctor for quite a long time now. DW took her to the first appointment yesterday and has a referral to a specialist now.<br /> @Mrs. Pickle: DW and SIL have been talking about hiring a caregiver for nearly a year. I think at this point she's beyond needing a few hours of help, unfortunately.<br /> @Calibee: Yeah. I've been saying POA for over a year. They didn't move fast enough, and now it's too late to get her to sign anything willingly. Honestly, I don't know that she ever would've done it willingly. It seems like everyone else I have talked to must have a more cooperative relative. She must be particularly difficult. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869024 Sun, 27 Jan 2019 02:52:12 +0000 Calibee 2869024@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You need a power of attorney. If it’s really bad, you can ge a conservatorship through the courts (but things have to be REALLY bad in order to get such an order).</p> <p>Life is much easier with a POA. My dad has Alzheimer’s, and my mom got a POA before he was too ill to sign it over. (also in CA.) </p> <p>If at all possible, make sure wills, trusts, etc. are up to date before she is deemed too incapacitated. And if medical decisions need to be made on the future (likely!), have MIL<br /> designate someone. And a backup in case the first person is soemhow incapacitated. </p> <p>This is a rough road and I wish you the best. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869019 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 22:55:20 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 2869019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I work in the Senior Care industry. It sounds like at the very least she could use a caregiver for a few hours a day. If she can’t afford private pay there are agencies that take Medicaid. A social worker would have some contacts at both private pay and Medicaid agencies. In my opinion there really is no harm in getting APS involved. I’ve had to call them and it’s been a good outcome every time. I can look for some numbers for you to call in your area if you are interested. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869011 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 21:31:08 +0000 Tanjowen 2869011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: She needs to be diagnosed if possible. Adult services is going to be reluctant unless there are visible signs of abuse or her saying this person is taking advantage of her. A diagnosis would allow your DW to obtain guardianship or allow adult services to step in. </p> <p>I work with APS and law enforcement. I always say report report report. Even if nothing is done right now, there is a record kept and repeated issues might finally equal action. And you should be able to report anonymously. I get that it would be obvious who reported but it is so important. </p> <p>It's an incredibly difficult situation and I'm so sorry. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2869000 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 16:33:14 +0000 Silva 2869000@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: it’s really hard, I’m sorry. :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868999 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 16:28:19 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2868999@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: You're reading my mind. I've actually been sitting here wondering if I'm required to make a report, as a mandated reporter... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868998 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 16:26:55 +0000 Silva 2868998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: you can make a report, too, or call the doctor and share your own concerns.<br /> When things were very bad with my MIL I told my husband if things got worse I’d feel obligated to report it. My MIL ended up taking a caregiver course and things have improved a little since then.<br /> Your MIL is a vulnerable person and needs protection. I know you don’t want to step on toes (believe me, I totally get that!!) but at some point someone needs to do something. It sounds like you are genuinely concerned about her well being and safety... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868997 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 16:23:04 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2868997@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: It is definitely challenging and very frustrating to watch. They've been talking about looking into services for nearly a year, which is why I was really hoping the doctor would just make a report to get the ball rolling! I'm not sure why, but both DW and her sister seem to be reluctant to actually make things happen. Unfortunately it's been so long now that it is really becoming an emergency, as she's not safe in her own home alone, and is hardly eating anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868995 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 16:16:14 +0000 Silva 2868995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Turtle: id encourage your wife to look into the services available for elders in your area. If she doesn’t want to go the route of making a report (which would be anonymous), there may still be services available.<br /> It’s a hard situation- my FIL has dementia and although my MIL isn’t abusive she’s not very nice and is completely closed off to help from her kids. It’s a painful situation for everyone involved, I think. Sorry you all are going through it </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868994 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 16:11:59 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2868994@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: I wasn't there, but I think it was unclear because in the appointment, when asked who this guy is, she called him her boyfriend/partner. She has not referred to him that way since I've known her, not once. She dated him for a while but it was over 20 years ago. But he is manipulative and sneaky, and I think he's been talking to her as if they're together. The doctor apparently did ask how often they were having sex, and she immediately said, oh it's not like that. But I can see where it could have been unclear. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868993 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 16:08:46 +0000 Silva 2868993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So did the doctor not think this constituted financial abuse of an elder? I'm confused about why making a report was optional- a mandated reporter is required to report abuse of an elder. I agree with you that getting a social worker involved would be helpful at this point, and even if abuse isn't substantiated a social worker could help you all come up with a plan for moving forward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868992 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 15:56:18 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2868992@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Sams Mom: Thanks for responding. We are in California, not Canada. :) MIL is also in California, but about 5 hours away from us. Unfortunately I think they are past the point of getting POA willingly. I was pushing for it hard about a year ago, but it didn't happen, for a variety of reasons.<br /> For sure she won't move. Our intent is to move closer to her, but that can't happen until N is no longer in foster care. And even when we do, we aren't in a position to provide the kind of care she needs, which is getting closer and closer to full time care.<br /> I know they're looking into how to legally remove the ex from the property, and are working on how to remove his access to her money. Part of the problem is that MIL has more accounts and credit cards than anyone knows about, so he keeps finding new ways to access it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868967 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 10:53:46 +0000 Sams Mom 2868967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've only observed this as a young adult with my dad dealing with his mother and older sister's affairs (my aunt first, then my grandma's)</p> <p>If I remember right, you're in Canada?, so might not be the same. POA needs to be assigned sooner than later. If she still is lucid more often than not, your wife or SIL can get it setup with one of them. Once there is an official diagnosis, I think you have to go through more hoops depending on the "stage" she's at in her DX. </p> <p>I would get adult services involved though, because although your wife and SIL have her best interest at heart 1) it will look better that you wanted them involved instead of pulling her back and forth with the ex 2) it is always best that there is someone neutral to the family advocating for her. That advocate should be able to see who has her best interest at heart.</p> <p>Depending on laws in your area/country, I would pursue a restraining order if elder abuse is reported and substantiated. I would also look into what is required to get him out if he's that bad. I know here, that once you've allowed them to stay without a cutoff (an extended visit or what not) they have tenant rights, and it becomes an eviction process (which takes forever!)</p> <p>Would she be open to moving closer to one of you? Maybe in an assisted living community, so she's taken care of but not fully losing her Independence.</p> <p>As to the ex using her money, get the bank involved if you can. My cousin (may he burn in hell) drained my aunt's accounts, maxed out her CCs, and wrecked hey property (he could have waited until she died, which sounds terrible, but he was the only child, and splitting inheritance with his 1 surviving child). I believe they had to switch the check signee to my aunt + POA so that he could quit taking her for all she had. Receipts on major purchases were required after the sheriff's office was involved (for elder abuse and theft and fraud) for a forensic accountant. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/adult-services#post-2868965 Sat, 26 Jan 2019 10:31:14 +0000 Mrs. Turtle 2868965@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll try to keep this brief. I'm hoping there are a few of you here who have experience with Adult Services, whether professionally or as a client. My MIL has dementia, likely Alzheimers, although it hasn't been officially diagnosed. DW and her sister are slowly moving toward getting her help, getting her affairs in order, etc. She has a trust set up but nothing else was in order, no one has POA, etc. It's kind of a mess. MIL is incredibly disorganized, and both DW and sister live far enough away to make this all very difficult. Also, MIL has a live in "companion," an ex boyfriend who just never left. He's been semi-supported by her, no one is really sure to what degree, for many, many years. He is now feeling entitled to her money, and uses it for his own expenses quite freely. </p> <p>So it's gotten to the point where she is needing more help. Not necessarily full time nursing help, but she needs someone with her at all times, basically. DW and her sister have been talking about finding help for 10 months, but no one is quite sure how to go about it in a way that MIL will accept. The live in companion is working hard to make MIL suspicious of just about everyone, including her daughters. </p> <p>DW took MIL to the doctor yesterday to get the diagnosis process started so the trust goes into effect. The doctor said she would make a report/referral to adult social services if they want, including a report of elder abuse on the companion. DW declined, but is wondering if maybe she should've done it. She is concerned about what it would look like. </p> <p>Thoughts? Would you get adult services involved? My thinking is that a social worker referral could be super helpful in this situation, organizing services and helping DW and her sister get things moving to get her mom help. </p>