https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 19 May 2026 11:09:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823700 Mon, 21 May 2018 06:37:01 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2823700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous B UP: I read your reply about the sibling dynamic. 1) sounds like there is no love loss between the sis and your DH, which means when she comes to visit it’s A-okay with him not to see her, but 2) you (and him???) are upset you get bumped and plans fall through because the parents choose her visit over his/ yours. One solution is to make your visits to his parents very last minute. Basically, a day you all have nothing to do you call up the parents right before you set out to leave to see if they are free. Then Go! Let’s say they won’t be ready as soon as you get there well take a lap at Target or the grocery store near them. 3) honestly, I can’t relate to being uncomfortable around my parents to the point where I need my husband. Don’t get me wrong my mom can be TRYING and I usually have a story or two to tell- just the other day I had to end FaceTime early, but me spending time with her or not is based on ME/ MY wants and not DH’s availability. Does that make sense the way I am saying it? Even DH is right by my side my mom is my mom and will say something or do something that’s going to irk me and DH’s presence doesn’t soften how I feel about in the moment or after. 4) you owe your ILs nothing. Period. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823695 Mon, 21 May 2018 00:19:01 +0000 crazydoglady 2823695@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous B UP: Welcome to hellobee! First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with all this family drama when it sounds like you've been way more than accommodating. I was just wondering, do either you or your SIL have children? I don't think I saw any mention of kids in your posts. I honestly have greater beef with your MIL and FIL than your SIL. Your SIL obviously is not an emotionally balanced person, but your in-laws are allowing her (who lives several hours away) to dictate their relationship with their other child. That, to me, is the worst of this. Crazy is going to be crazy, but they are allowing/encouraging it. The only way I can see this being about something real (like your husband did something heinous), but they went to your wedding which shows me it isnt. It's just crazy pettiness. My advice? Stop trying to have a relationship with them. I'm not saying cut them off, but stop trying. It literally is not worth it. Holidays, weekends, visits, etc...all of it. Take stock of the people in your life who truly want to be there and treasure them. Blood or not. If your in-laws say something, tell them that you aren't willing to play their games anymore (because it's not just SIL who is playing games.) If they ever want to pursue an actual relationship with you without the games, you are open/available to it. It's time to put your foot down and value your time/energy/emotions much more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823687 Sun, 20 May 2018 22:03:09 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I could go on for days about his sister! I will try to give some background. At this point he doesn't want anything to do with her but I know the situation with his parents does hurt him.</p> <p>He has not had a relationship with her since we were engaged. We went from hanging out with her and her boyfriend to not speaking overnight. As soon as we were engaged she was full of rage. We waited to get married until her and her boyfriend were married. We had our wedding 2 years after theirs. We waited because we thought this may help ease some of her anger.</p> <p>Shortly after she was engaged I did meet with her where she proceeded to tell me I have no idea what a marriage is due to my parents’ divorce and there were some religious differences that "concerned" her. She had an accusation about my now husband getting angry and punching her in a malicious attack. She claimed some members of the family were there and “terrified” of him when it happened.</p> <p>I went to these family members one on one and asked. One sister even laughed (if you knew my husband he can’t even hurt a fly) as she explained the situation was sibling rough housing she was hurt, but it was not the malicious attack out of nowhere she portrayed. </p> <p>When it came to her wedding, she asked him to be in it, he refused. We did attend her wedding gave a gift, similarly they attended ours, but gave no gift. Her parents and sisters had to keep her calm at our wedding to prevent any outburst. They were not able to prevent her being nasty to my Grandma.</p> <p>She was angry and tried to get her sisters to drop out of our wedding. She stood in the front of our family wedding photo and refused to let us the bride and groom be the center. So we are in the back of the family photo. My dress is covered and can't be seen. I would not have been bothered except I was specifically told to stay out of her wedding photos.</p> <p>I could go on the events surrounding her are countless and ridiculous! She does live out of state now but she still seems to always find ways to upset everyone. I have asked my husband to see his family on his own, he refuses and wants me there. He won’t even go to see only his parents alone, I believe I am his moral support in these situations. I am struggling with how parents can cut off their son to keep their daughter with problems calm. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823685 Sun, 20 May 2018 21:46:41 +0000 Alexandra603 2823685@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Why doesn't SIL like you guys? This seems like a bizarre situation! I'd probably just put it in your husbands hands - maybe you can do a set monthly visit to his parents? My in-laws live 30 minutes away and we see them about once a month (more around holidays/birthday) and sometimes less during busy seasons. Honestly once a month is fine by me - I don't want to spend every weekend with them! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823682 Sun, 20 May 2018 21:34:48 +0000 Mama Bird 2823682@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous B UP: I'm really sorry you're dealing with this! What a mess. It almost sounds like your SIL is being abusive and your in-laws aren't standing up to her. I don't think there's much you can do unless they ever decide they've had enough and push back on her behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823680 Sun, 20 May 2018 21:27:48 +0000 lamariniere 2823680@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: Totally agree: "Ultimately though, I can’t fix their relationship and I can’t make it more like what I have with my parents."</p> <p>Clearly, your SIL is holding your ILs hostage. But I think it's up to your DH to make his wants and needs known to his parents in a clear way. He should have an actual discussion with them, or maybe write them an explanatory email or letter if he doesn't feel comfortable confronting them. Maybe the ILs don't perceive that this is going on? After that, I agree with @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: to take your DH's lead. If the ILs can't or won't put more effort into your family, there's not much else you can do, and I wouldn't waste a lot of energy or time on people who are not interested in cultivating a relationship. Life is too short. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823676 Sun, 20 May 2018 21:10:39 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2823676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The way you’re describing the relationship dynamic does make it seem like they are cutting your family out to keep the peace with their daughter. If I was in this situation, I’d want to set some clear expectations for what’s acceptable with them. First, I’d talk it over with my husband and see what he’s comfortable with, so we can come to a decision together before having a serious discussion with the parents.<br /> It strikes me as incredibly rude and disrespectful to cancel plans with your family because the sister doesn’t like it. That is a terrible way to treat someone, especially their own child. I wonder if they don’t realize how hurtful it is and think it’s better this way, because there are no large arguments? Perhaps, if your husband hasn’t been vocal about how their actions (not his sisters) have been hurtful, they think he doesn’t really mind all that much? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823673 Sun, 20 May 2018 20:24:52 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2823673@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The sister sounds needy and demanding. What is her relationship like with her brother (your husband)? I mean, if she has such a problem with you two would he even want to be around her as well? I would take my husband’s lead on how disappointed to feel; however, I would discuss how the plans falling through effect you and how much more you’re willing to tolerate. Perhaps he should go visit his parents alone. Not as much now, but I have done some major eye rolling when it comes to my MIL. Admittedly, I still don’t get her (the situation) sometimes, but I can insulate myself from some of the grief and inconvenience. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823672 Sun, 20 May 2018 20:18:49 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823672@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: That's a good point, you can't fix their relationship! It is hard though because you would expect some type of interest from them in their son and grand children. Is he an only child or does he have siblings? Is the relationship with the siblings better than with him? I've been learning and talking to many people every family seems to have a black sheep child. One who the parents seem to push away and don't want as much to do with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823668 Sun, 20 May 2018 20:10:33 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823668@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lamariniere: He knows it is because of his sister. He used to explain they are tired of getting in trouble by her and that's why they do this. He said "they push us aside because we're not the crazy ones and she is". </p> <p>I know it hurts him he doesn't say much about it. Recently though I think he has become angry. He lent his father a tool, his Father had it for about 6 months, when my husband called and asked for it back.</p> <p>His Father explained he let this sister and her husband take it home with them, they live out of state. His father was going to leave it at that but my husband pushed the issue explaining he needed it. So his father reluctantly said he would get it back.</p> <p>All said and done it took over a month to get back. This definitely changed my husband's opinion of his parents. It went from they're trying to keep her calm to they have zero respect for him or anything of his. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823662 Sun, 20 May 2018 19:22:49 +0000 ShootingStar 2823662@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have similar issues my ILs with the same distance and the lack of wanting to come to our house. They’re also just more...disinterested in us than my parents. It hurts DHs feelings sometimes and he’s said that he wishes he could have a relationship with his parents like I have with my parents. </p> <p>Ultimately though, I can’t fix their relationship and I can’t make it more like what I have with my parents. I’ve decided to be glad that we don’t have to deal with them as often. My MIL is total drama and I just don’t need that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823661 Sun, 20 May 2018 19:21:22 +0000 lamariniere 2823661@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How does your DH feel about all of this? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823650 Sun, 20 May 2018 18:24:41 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2823650@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: My Dad is like this. It's just never enough. If we have breakfast with him, he starts asking about our lunch plans. Anytime we travel with him, if it's a driving trip, no matter how many times we say we are leaving at noon instead of staying for lunch, he wants us to stay for lunch. If we tell him dinner is at 6pm, he shows up at 5:15. Anything to get extra time. He gets really annoyed and jealous when we plan family trips on our own without him because he wants to come too! He even tries to crash our vacations and I'll tell him, "you're not invited on this trip." </p> <p>The worst part is then he tries to act like he totally gets how hard it is, and if I complain about my life at all, he is all, "I know, we had to take care of your grandfather and great-grandfather and two small children with no help from anyone" and I'm just like...but your parents were functional and my grandfather was functional and could babysit and my mother has advanced early onset Alzheimer's and my in laws live three hours away. Also it's not a whose life is harder competition, raising small children is just hard and just let me go home without making me stay for lunch. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823647 Sun, 20 May 2018 18:11:10 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823647@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: That's crazy! I guess it is very frustrating with them not wanting much to do with us because of his sister but I am glad they're not overbearing! </p> <p>Thank you for telling me this because I think I can deal better with the situation I have than what you are dealing with! I don't know how to nicely set boundaries! I applaud you for being able to set them and still have a relationship with them. </p> <p>Sometimes I am amazed at how selfish some of these grandparents are and they don't realize they're becoming everything they didn't care for in their mother in laws! They also seem to forget that they were trying to raise a family at one time too and they need to let us raise our families! Yet they still manage to make it all about them, even though it's not their family this time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823646 Sun, 20 May 2018 18:01:45 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823646@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ms.Mermaid: We used to go there weekly! Things were good, but as his sisters demands became more ridiculous it definitely created more problems. We would schedule things with them well when his sister found out all of a sudden, she'd be coming into town that weekend then they would cancel plans with us! </p> <p>We had an incident of her choosing to stay a few days longer after she found out they had tickets for an event with us. So they cancelled on us sticking us with 2 tickets and needing to find another couple to go with us...</p> <p>We also have had an incident of being invited over for a Holiday, but then we were asked not to come because his sister all of a sudden was going to be in town. Basically from other input from family we have determined that his sister gets angry with his parents when they spend any time with us. </p> <p>So to keep the peace with her they have started spending less time with us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823643 Sun, 20 May 2018 17:14:13 +0000 ElbieKay 2823643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would take some serious offense at them allowing your SIL to intervene in their relationship with you. And I would put in as much effort as I'm willing, and no more. It is not on you to make up for your SIL's attitude/intolerance/whatever.</p> <p>My MIL is pretty demanding about us visiting her and I have put my foot down over the past few years so that we visit her less. We have two full time jobs, a preschooler, two cats, and now twins on the way. I am not spending a full day every weekend or every other weekend at my MIL's. 50% or even 25% of our downtime as a family is not up for grabs, especially since she always makes it all about what she wants/expects and my husband falls for it hook line and sinker. No matter how long we visit, it's not long enough and she pouts when we leave. I'm over it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823638 Sun, 20 May 2018 16:05:05 +0000 Ms.Mermaid 2823638@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just build in going to visit them every other week or so. Clearly it creates a tension for them with his sister for them to visit you, and it might be that if you go to them, she at least can't make them leave. My parents live about 45 minutes away and we go to them pretty much every weekend/every other weekend because of their health issues. Maybe you can have your husband take the kids for visits without you to try to ease him back into more frequent contact with his parents? (Obviously, you aren't the problem here, but if your end goal is for your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, that might help?) I find this so hard to process because of my own family dynamic, but this sounds really really difficult. </p> <p>Are they willing to take the kids without seeing you? Like, do you have a local playground where they could take them? I honestly would probably have my husband say something like, "since clearly its a problem for you to spend time with my wife, but I'm sure you miss the kids, maybe you could come up and take them to the park?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823618 Sun, 20 May 2018 12:32:44 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823618@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: Thank you, I am doing my best not to be resentful! I have given my husband the responsibility of setting up any visits or calls with them. I have told him if he wants to go visit them, I am willing to go but I am not the one to reach out, he needs to. </p> <p>I can't imagine having the distance you have with your in-laws. The distance alone strains the relationship and then not seeing the effort from them is extra hard! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823617 Sun, 20 May 2018 12:25:09 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823617@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Corduroy: I've tried to figure out if that was the issue to! No smoking, we have 2 smaller dogs, no biting, no barking, our in-laws encourage us to bring our dogs when we go to visit them. Last time we didn't bring the dogs and they kept telling us we should have brought them. </p> <p>We don't use fragrances and I'm also paranoid about the dog smell in my house so I clean quite a bit. When my Aunt's come over I always ask them if it smells like pets or anything because they're honest and will tell me when something is not up to their standards! :-) </p> <p>My personal fear is his sister is getting her way and they're no longer talking to us because when they do she gets angry with them. This has been explained to us by one of his other sisters and even his parents at times. </p> <p>Last time they were over she found out and proceeded to call each of their cell phones until they picked up. Finally their father picked up had a conversation with her, then she needed to talk to their mother next. Then all of a sudden they had to leave, there was no emergency or any explanation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823610 Sun, 20 May 2018 12:10:07 +0000 SweetCaroline 2823610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh this is not fun. My in-laws live 15 minutes away and do not visit all that often, mostly because we both WOH FT. Most of the time I appreciate that they give us space and respect our schedules. However, I get annoyed when they passively mention that they have not seen DD in some time. My response is usually "They know where we live." I usually make an effort to invite them out to the house for a low-key meal after that.</p> <p>Recently, we had to create a boundary on our weeknights because they would want to celebrate family birthdays, etc. on a weeknight at their house. We partook for the first 3 years of DD's life, but we just couldn't do it any more because DD would get to bed late and the next morning would be miserable. We are routine driven and it was too much of a disruption. Since we set that boundary, I feel so much better. They now know that we would love to celebrate with them, but if they must celebrate on a weeknight we will not be able to attend.</p> <p>I tell you this because I wonder what similar boundary you could set with your in-laws. Are there X number of times that you and your husband are happy to visit them a year? After you plan those visits, you may just have to let it lie. In what capacity do you want them to come visit you? Could you arrange for a monthly dinner at your house? Has your husband ever point blank asked them why they do not want to visit? My dad's parents were a lot like this and I think it worked best once my mom understood how unimportant it was to my dad and backed off. Sure, my dad's feelings were hurt that his mom favored his brother, but at the end of the day he didn't want to have to work that hard to spend time with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823606 Sun, 20 May 2018 12:04:53 +0000 erinbaderin 2823606@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>All I think you can do is talk about it with your husband and let him take the lead, and try not to get resentful about always having to go there if that’s the only way they’re willing to do it. My in-laws live in England so we only see them once a year but I absolutely know how you feel because they never call us, we always call them, and they’ve actually said they’re not coming to visit this year. I feel really resentful because I feel like they don’t make any effort to build a relationship with my kids, but all I can do is keep phoning them and trying to suck it up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823604 Sun, 20 May 2018 11:59:54 +0000 Corduroy 2823604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anonymous B UP: I’m sorry that sounds really frustrating. Is there anything about your house they may be avoiding (pets, smoking, fragrance)? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-about-inlaws#post-2823594 Sun, 20 May 2018 11:21:59 +0000 Anonymous B UP 2823594@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How often do your in-laws/husbands parents come to visit you? How often do you go to visit your in-laws? General advice on the situation would be appreciated!</p> <p>We live about 45 minutes from my in-laws but it has been almost a year since they have driven out to see us. Whenever we invite them out, it is always met with the response of they have other plans or for us to drive out there. I would not mind but my in-laws are fairly young, early 50's and they regularly drive 5+ hours to see my husbands sister.</p> <p>My father who is much older than they are drives 35 minutes to see us quite regularly and my Grandmother who is close to 90 drives the 35 minutes as well but my in-laws never seem to have time or want to come visit.</p> <p>There is a bit of background to the situation, my husband used to be very close to his parents, calling his Dad at least 1-2 times week and seeing them almost every weekend.</p> <p>We know my husband's sister does not care for me or my husband anymore and would ultimately like for them to cut us off. She has made this clear as she does not care for my family's background and continuously comes up with new reasons to create tension with us. We have tried to address this and work through it but the things she is upset at us for are things we can't change!</p> <p>I fear this is why our in-laws won't come to see us anymore...but drive the 5+hours at least once a month to see her.</p> <p>Am I being overly sensitive and looking into things too much? I know some people say the relationship with a daughter is different than that of a son, but I see their actions are hurting their son and this upsets me. Is there someway I can address this without creating a fight. </p>