https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 05 Apr 2026 08:36:06 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2129422 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 12:37:16 +0000 macintosh 2129422@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: Thank you for the links! That first article is like my nightmare - the grandma ended up holding the baby before it's mother did! :shocked: </p> <p>The second article is great, though. I'm trying to think of a way to bring this up to my mom and not piss her off... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2129405 Wed, 01 Apr 2015 12:27:06 +0000 macintosh 2129405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I so appreciate all of these supportive replies! A lot of you have brought up some very good points and suggestions. I've been mulling this over so much that I've had nightmares the past 2 nights about my mom being mad at me. I even dreamed that she found this board and read my post. Ugh!</p> <p>I think it would help if I explained the situation and our plan a little better. First off, the doula is a friend of mine. She is new to the field and offered to do this for me for free, otherwise I wouldn't be having a doula. I felt like it was a good idea both because my DH can't provide any physical support during labor and because I don't have any other family that lives in the state. The doula can be here much quicker than my mom can if I go into labor early. She happens to be about the same age as my mom, which is why I think she feels a little competitive about it. As I already told my mom, I also don't have to worry about the doula getting offended if I were to "snap" at her.</p> <p>Second, my mom is definitely incredibly helpful and supportive most of the time. She is very smart, very capable of helping me and DH, but she is also VERY sensitive when it comes to stressful situations. We have worked out a plan for the induction and care for DH that I am very comfortable with, but I worry that if something sets her off she'll threaten not to follow through. I can also see her getting very upset if I try to change the plan at this point.</p> <p>The plan is for my induction is for DH to have a caregiver come to the house to help him with his nightly bathroom routine for 4 days, starting the night I go in to be induced. My mom would bring him in during the day and take him home in the evening so he can shower and sleep in his own bed, provided I'm not in active labor at that time. If he doesn't sleep, he will be a hot mess, just like a kid. He could even have seizures.</p> <p>Finally, I was already very upfront with her about why I was concerned about having her in the delivery room. I explained that I was trying to prevent any arguments or hurt feelings between us. That's really all there is to it. Even though we have a history of such issues, she found that incredibly hurtful. She doesn't seem to recognize that she gets her feelings hurt incredibly easily and it won't be easy for me to be super diplomatic with her when emotions are running high (hello, hormones!). </p> <p>I guess what I'm looking for is some way to prepare her for what a woman in labor goes through emotionally so that she sees that it's NORMAL and not because of some personal problem I have with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128534 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 16:25:43 +0000 catomd00 2128534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I have to disagree that beause her mom helps she shoul give in to her moms wishes to be in the room. She need to be upfront about her boundaries and her mom needs to accept them! Her mom shouldn't be helping out in order to get anything in return , and if she is then that's a problem. At the end of the day this is a medical procedure and no one should be present that she isn't comfortable with.</p> <p>OP - would it help if you tell your mom that right now you do not want her in the room but you realize you might change your mind? That way yoi set the boundary but give her hope it may change. I hope in the moment If she doesn't get to be present that she woulnt start drama, but you know her best!</p> <p>I can't reiterate enough how important setting boundaries is. This is only the first of many potential boundary issues you will have after baby arrives. Set the precedent now! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128473 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 15:50:40 +0000 FaithFertility 2128473@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: OMG do we have the same mom!!!!! Know your not the only one, I blamed it on DH I know I shouldn't of thrown him.inst the bus, he basically told me to tell her he wanted it to be me and him she can get mad but won't take it out as bad on him as she would me........... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128368 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:38:19 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2128368@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice, but wow, you're a saint! This is your moment, not hers. She really just needs to get over it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128275 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:59:57 +0000 caitlanc 2128275@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh - I'm sorry I don't have any advice for keeping her happy but I figured I'd share my experience with LO1 in case it helps you be ok with Plan Z. </p> <p>I wanted it to be just DH and I in the room when labor really kicked in (though I was fine with her being around for the easy part.) When it came down to it though we forgot to ask her to leave and very quickly I no longer cared who was in the room. In fact, at one point (when I was on all fours with my bare backside was practically facing the door, no less) my MIL walked in and I didn't care. I actually thought my FIL was with her too and STILL didn't care. DH kicked her out promptly but I was surprised at how my priorities changed. I turned completely inward and the rest of the world was free to do as it pleased, it wasn't going to affect me. I doubt this is the case for everyone but maybe it could make your worse case scenario a little better? I hope she takes the hint and backs off much sooner! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128263 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:53:19 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2128263@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: I wish I could say quickly, but she still brings it up 2.5 years later. My mom holds grudges and unfortunately started WWIII with me after I let her know I wasn't cool with her insisting that she was retiring to watch LO full time. </p> <p>Now that I'm pregnant with #2, she's again insisting that she's retiring, and I need to nip that in the bud before LO #2 arrives. The last thing I needed with a colicky baby was my mother causing me a huge amount of stress, and I don't want that this time around.</p> <p>I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. This is 100% not something that you should have to deal with as you're nearing giving birth! Is there any possibility of a friend assisting with your DH? I know it's super tough when you have to rely on someone and they use that to their advantage. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128250 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:50:34 +0000 looch 2128250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What if you had a family meeting, lay it all on the table, you, your husband, your mom, the doula? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128231 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:41:57 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 2128231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: thanks for the clarification!! I stand corrected. It looks like I was wrong about the definition/description of doula!</p> <p>OP, you could just play dumb like me and say they're a medical professional if your mother objects. :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128230 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:41:21 +0000 Truth Bombs 2128230@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: Can't agree with you there. A doula isn't a family member, but she's certainly not a medical professional. A doula is there to provide support, not medical treatment or advice. While it's absolutely the right of the OP to choose to hire a support person, I think she has to recognize that her mother will likely feel hurt by that choice. Again, I'm a big believer in doing what you want when it's your labor, but I think the OP's dependency on her mother's help changes the situation a bit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128227 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:39:20 +0000 purrpletulips 2128227@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: could you check with the hospital and see if they have any car services that they work with that will be able to accommodate your husband's needs as well as possibly offer a discounted rate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128222 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:37:52 +0000 ElbieKay 2128222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Would this help: <a href="http://www.today.com/parents/delivery-room-drama-has-birth-become-spectator-sport-1C9979714" rel="nofollow">http://www.today.com/parents/delivery-room-drama-has-birth-become-spectator-sport-1C9979714</a></p> <p>Or this: <a href="http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/family-matters/duelingwiththedoula" rel="nofollow">http://www.grandparents.com/family-and-relationships/family-matters/duelingwiththedoula</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128220 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:36:03 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 2128220@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: I disagree with the doula part - because I view a doula as a medical professional, not another family member. So while the doula is elective, they're working for you, they're being paid, they're for you. They aren't there to oogle to new squish!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128216 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:33:31 +0000 Truth Bombs 2128216@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You're kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's absolutely your right to not want your mother in the room when you labor. But you can't really use the excuse of hospital policy or wanting to share the moment with just your husband because you've chosen to have a doula. So in your mother's eyes you've decided the doula is more important to you than she is. I would say be open and honest with her and just say that the dynamic of your relationship with her makes it so that having her in the room would be very stressful for you. But if you specifically tell her that the reason you don't want her there is her personality, she will likely be very upset, as anyone would, even if the criticism is deserved. Since you are dependent on her for so much help given your situation, I think you have to be a little more flexible than what would normally be the case in this type of situation. Maybe just let her come but ask her to refrain from specific behaviors, and that if she can't do that she's welcome to wait in the lobby? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128201 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 13:24:35 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 2128201@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: I'm worried that if you're worried now, how will you feel DURING labor if she is stressing you out? I never labored - I had two planned sections - but I remember from our birth class that you should be calm and stress-free during labor! </p> <p>I don't think its unreasonable for you to want DH there during your labor and delivery. It's your right and your medical procedure, and you aren't responsible for anyone's feelings if they're dissatisfied with your birth needs/wants.</p> <p>You could explain that you want the delivery to be an intimate moment shared between you and your husband only, and you want time alone to meet and bond with your new baby. She'll be welcomed to visit shortly after the birth and will get plenty of new baby snuggles. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128163 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 12:58:38 +0000 wonderstruck 2128163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ughhh I so wish you could shut her down hard, I hate that you have to walk on eggshells around an experience that should be totally about you and DH. But I realize you don't have much of a choice, and I'm sorry!</p> <p>I think this is a good link, but it may be a little too straight-forward for your mom, it kind of sounds like she needs to be pandered to. But linking anyways just in case: <a href="http://www.babycenter.com/0_top-7-tips-for-new-and-expecting-grandparents_10360339.bc" rel="nofollow">http://www.babycenter.com/0_top-7-tips-for-new-and-expecting-grandparents_10360339.bc</a></p> <p>Honestly, it's hard to find much online from the perspective you need because most grandmas seem to fall into two camps. The first one just wants their daughter to be happy and have her birth go the way she wants, so for them this whole thing is a non-issue (and probably not something they feel the need to write an article or blog about, because they understand that it isn't about them!) The second group is like your mom and having a me me me sort of fit and just posts about how dare their daughters not want them in the delivery room. I'm still looking, though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128145 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 12:41:31 +0000 Astro Bee 2128145@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Macintosh: Ugh, do we have the same mom? I actually did as @Blackbird suggested. I told her it was hospital policy to limit the number of people in the delivery room, which they do. Only it's 2 plus the partner for vaginal birth, and the partner only for a ceasarean. She did make some passive aggressive comments about my aunt being allowed to be there for my cousin's deliveries, which I ignored until they stopped. But really, I'm with you in just wanting DH there. </p> <p>My mom flew in a few days ago so she would be here for the birth, even though she won't actually be in the room. Couldn't avoid that one, but at least she won't be stressing me out during labour. For whatever reason her sisters all want updates on how my labour is progressing. I'm letting DH handle that, although his first job is to support me, not be running back and forth. Anyway, just wanted to to say I commiserate with you on the mom adding to the normal stress of labour. And I don't have the added worry of arranging for transportation for my DH. </p> <p>I'll keep an eye out for any articles. I've been passing along to my mom everything that I learned from my prenatal class and hospital tour and asking her questions about how her experience was different. Having that dialogue, and talking about how I plan to have DH help (with massage, counterpoint, etc.) I hope has made her see how roles and labour practices have changed over the years. I have gotten a lot of remarks about how strange it seems to use a jacuzzi or shower and birthing ball for pain management and relaxation. Between that and my little white lie, she's better accepted her role as a non-participant in my labour and delivery. Perhaps start there and explain the purpose of a doula? Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128127 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 12:27:17 +0000 avivoca 2128127@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @kiddosc. This is about your immediate family and your needs. She needs to understand that. My family was not there when I gave birth, but I was not induced and we did not tell anyone that I was in labor. If she gets upset, well, that's tough on her. You may need to look into paying for private transportation in order to make it a non-issue.</p> <p>Would it be possible to take your DH to the hospital with you before your induction and have him stay with you the whole time? I'm not sure about his limitations or if you had planned for him to be there the entire time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128111 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 12:17:14 +0000 kiddosc 2128111@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There is no time like the present to be up front with her. You have been through a lot in the last few years and she needs to shut her yap and let this be about YOU, and YOUR family, and YOUR needs. She knows you need her help and it sounds like she's taking advantage of that. You still have time to show someone else how to get your DH up and out the door, is there a friend that you could ask to help you with that. </p> <p>She's given birth before, but did she have her parents in the room for that? My mom was disappointed we didn't want her in the room, but when she looked at it from the perspective of a new mom, she realized that she wouldn't want her parents there either. That it should be a special moment between you and your DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128090 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 12:05:43 +0000 blackbird 2128090@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: Ugggggh. So frustrated for you. Do you have a friend of yours or his that would be willing to help? This is totally one of those situations I'd be there in a heartbeat for for a friend, so don't be afraid to ask! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128084 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 12:00:01 +0000 macintosh 2128084@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: Ugh, I'm getting upset just thinking about it. :crying: DH needs help to even get out of bed and supervision to leave the house. Private transportation companies charge hundred of dollars. It's almost as expensive as an ambulance ride. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128077 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:57:27 +0000 macintosh 2128077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: Forgot to ask, how long did it take for her to get over missing the birth? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128075 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:56:50 +0000 blackbird 2128075@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: if she does that, you can call a taxi from the hospital! They always have them around and they are very used to transporting disabled people (they may actually have a special service at the hospital). This is an area your mom knows she has the upper hand so she'll use it against you. I always see handicap accessible transportation at the hospitals. Or the minivans... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128074 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:56:15 +0000 macintosh 2128074@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: Unfortunately a taxi won't work either. He needs guidance to find his way and a wheelchair accessible vehicle. Unless you live jb the city, taxi companies don't have accessibke vehicles. Private companies are hella expensive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128071 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:53:17 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2128071@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: Taxi for your DH? </p> <p>This is also something that I had an issue with my mom. She didn't insist on being there beforehand, but I knew she wouldn't be able to help herself once I was in labor. I had my husband be sure to tell her not to come until after the baby was born. She was furious with me, but I only wanted it to be me and DH, and didn't want to have to deal with any drama of her needing to be kicked out of the room. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128051 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:39:33 +0000 nana87 2128051@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I LOVED this book: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Birth-Erica-Lyon/dp/0452287685" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Birth-Erica-Lyon/dp/0452287685</a> (it's actually a pretty small/short book despite the title ;) ) There were a few sections specifically geared towards support-people and about what is and isn't supportive for women in labor. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128048 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:36:01 +0000 macintosh 2128048@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: I think she'd be open to reading something if it made her feel included. </p> <p>The logistical problem is that I want my DH there with me, but my mom is the only one who I can rely on to drive him back and forth. She has a tendency to threaten to leave or cancel plans when she gets upset, which is NOT what I need. I'm worried that something may happen to piss her off during labor and she'll pick a fight about it after the fact :crying: </p> <p>@avivoca: Unfortunately I could get blamed for that, too. She tends to worry a lot about being "embarrassed" in front of people. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128045 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:34:55 +0000 catomd00 2128045@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It really doesn't matter if it's uosetting to her or not. It's your body and your choice. I don't think its your responsibility to try and make her feel ok with it either. I have a mother like this, so I simply didn't tell her until I was far enough into labor that she wouldn't be able to get there in time (she had to fly in). Had she lived close, I wouldn't have told her until I was ready for a visit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128028 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:25:25 +0000 mrscobee 2128028@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just tell her how it is right now, and hopefully that will give her time to process and get over it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-for-grandma-during-labor#post-2128022 Tue, 31 Mar 2015 11:21:59 +0000 avivoca 2128022@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Rely on the nurses for this one. They can be the bad guys. </p>