https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 13 Apr 2026 13:15:01 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1490109 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 18:28:49 +0000 Mrs. High Heels 1490109@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh my gosh, this sounds like an awful situation to be in! I feel like you've tried to be as respectful as possible, and handled the situation as best as you could. I think your requests are reasonable and don't understand why she can't simply follow your instructions.</p> <p>There seems to be a lot of pride from MIL's end, especially when you're telling her how to parent when she's older and has raised kids of her own, but she needs to set that aside and understand that it's your kid, so your rules. It's not personal.</p> <p>Don't get me started on the privacy thing. That is ridiculous on so many levels. I see no reason why she would need to go into the master bedroom at all when she has free reign over the rest of your home. She's being really childish by not wanting to step inside your house without FIL with her. She obviously has some residual, pent up passive aggression. </p> <p>I think the best thing is for everyone to sit down together and clear the air. This seems like an issue with misunderstood intentions. Sounds like she's thinking the worst of you when that's not where you're coming from at all. One of our company cultural values is "assume good intent"... I think just knowing that another person is coming from the best place and not meaning to hurt, undermine, undercut, etc. helps all parties get along. </p> <p>Honestly, I would start with an apology - not because you did anything wrong, but because of how you made her feel (even though that wasn't your intent), and just explain what you were trying to accomplish. I would let her know it wasn't personal and why it's important to you for her to not to dip into the freezer stash. Starting a conversation from a less defensive place should help set the vibe for the rest of the conversation. I am much more about peacemaking than proving I'm in the right, especially when it comes to family. Clearing the air is one thing, but your goal still needs to be to make sure she follows through with your requests, so I would still make sure DH advocates for you and your wishes, and make sure MIL agrees. </p> <p>Sigh. It's so tricky dealing with family. </p> <p>Hang in there, hope all goes well whatever you decide! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1490083 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 18:04:53 +0000 tillma 1490083@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you, thank you thank you for the advice and suggestions! It is giving me some hope of trying to figure this out. I have tried approaching it from every angle I could think of but you guys have helped me think of things I hadn't considered :) I appreciate it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1490046 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 17:28:56 +0000 Dandelion 1490046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with locks...on the freezer and on your bedroom!</p> <p>I'm sorry...you must feel so stressed with all of this. I wish I had more advice for you. :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1490021 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 17:07:14 +0000 Ginabean3 1490021@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@tillma: aw that's a bummer! I wish you guys good luck with everything! :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1490016 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 17:03:00 +0000 mrbee 1490016@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sounds like a tough situation! Are they helping for free? It can be tough to regulate childcare from family, especially when it's free.</p> <p>Regarding the bottles, could you maybe switch to a slower flow? That might stretch the ounces so that your LO gets the same comfort from less milke... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489947 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 16:23:34 +0000 London Mama 1489947@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I could have written this post! MIL picks LO up from daycare everyday and watches him one full day a week. We have had very, very similar issues:</p> <p>No feeding of sugary snacks<br /> No going in our bedroom<br /> Also no filter, has said some very hurtful things</p> <p>We have our ups and downs and there have been some evenings when I've been a bit short with her but on the whole I try to let things go. I've shown her non-sugary snacks she can try and luckily LO loves fruit so that's helped somewhat. The bedroom thing was driving my crazy, she would also go through our dirty laundry. In the end my husband had yet another talk with her and it seems to have worked, at least for now. My back up plan was to order a load of adult toys and leave them in the bedroom, shock tactics sometimes are the best!</p> <p>I know exactly how hard it can be, try to keep your feelings hidden from MIL and focus on the goal. This is only temporary and is the best solution for your family at this time. </p> <p>I wouldn't do a family meeting, chances are it'll get ugly and make things worse. Try to be super friendly and have your DH handle all communications. Red wine and chocolate also helps. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489936 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 16:18:17 +0000 Maysprout 1489936@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think @gingerbebe: has some really good advice.</p> <p>It sounds like you both need to be more open with each other not about anger at each other but just about child rearing logistics. Like with the breast milk issue - have you asked why they're feeding him more than what you're leaving - is he going through a growth spurt, does he fuss till he gets a bottle, does he still act hungry after the bottle is done? </p> <p>I think you just need to include her more in your thinking process and be open to feedback so you can troubleshoot together. Like with the diaper thing, maybe it would be good to try a different brand of diaper so he doesn't react so strongly without the cream, or changed more frequently or something. But including your MIL, who's taking on a lot of work, to help understand what will make her life easier too, might take out some of the resentment and her feeling like you're scolding her and she'll be less likely to disregard since she was part of the troubleshooting process. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489919 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 16:04:34 +0000 LindsayInNY 1489919@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think DH needs to step up and start getting more involved.</p> <p>As for the bedroom, I would definitely put a lock on the door. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489884 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:49:19 +0000 gingerbebe 1489884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly, if you don't have other childcare options, it doesn't sound like you can really do much except take it on the chin. I understand that its frustrating when you feel like you aren't asking for the moon, but if you already have a strained relationship with your MIL, you've gotta assume everything you say is going to be taken the wrong way. </p> <p>As to your FIL, while you may have a good relationship with your FIL, that's still his wife. I would be shocked if most husbands didn't side with their wives in arguments with others - if nothing else to give themselves some peace and quiet at home. Lord knows how your MIL would act if your FIL took your side.</p> <p>I would assume the overfeeding thing is a method of soothing the baby if its crying. If you're sick dealing with a crying baby, or you want the baby to go to sleep/stay asleep, you'll probably want to hand the baby a bottle to try and get him or her to quiet down. I think its easy to say only feed them a certain amount, but if you're dealing with a fussy baby, its easier said than done for a grandparent. The other thing is babies drink milk from bottles faster than the boob, and you need less breast milk than formula by volume, so its possible that to them it seems like baby is getting an awful small amount of milk. Perhaps some education and asking why they give more milk would be helpful. Maybe a pacifier might help soothe the baby instead of more milk as well.</p> <p>As to the rash thing, I think that's also a convenience thing. Its easier to shake some powder than to get your hands gunked up from messy ointment. Most people think you use diaper cream once you get a rash, not beforehand, and that the powder will prevent it. Perhaps something that doesn't mess up your hands would be easier and make them more likely to use it, like this stick: </p> <p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Stick-Natural-Diaper-Ointment/dp/B002RT8OQE" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Magic-Stick-Natural-Diaper-Ointment/dp/B002RT8OQE</a></p> <p>I think overall, the best way to deal with requests is to spin it like its for their benefit. For instance, you might say that if you run out of breast milk from overfeeding or because you become sick and can't pump bc of medication, you'll need to supplement with formula and that will likely make the baby extra fussy from switching back - hence, more annoying for them to deal with. So maintaining that freezer stock is key FOR THEM.</p> <p>If the baby gets a terrible diaper rash, the baby will scream bloody murder every time they need wiping and will make life harder for THEM. Make the changes about MIL, not you or your preferences.</p> <p>As to the bedroom thing, again, I don't know what you can do if she wont respect the space. I think inviting your in-laws into your house but telling them not to go to certain places might make them feel like hired help and not family. Perhaps they see it as the kind of requests you'd make to a nanny or housecleaner, and not grandparents. I think average people would respect the space, but if your MIL wont and you can't have the baby at their house, you're just going to have to roll with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489881 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:48:26 +0000 MrsB2012 1489881@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be so stressful for you!</p> <p>I think it might be a good idea to have a 'meeting' with them where you could talk about all your concerns. Let them talk as well and they can give reasonings on why they do things as well.<br /> - When you talk to her, try and give her lots of positive feedback as well. "I notice you ___ with LO, I really appreciate that. I think that they really enjoy when you ___. " Then you could bring up something you don't like. " However, I'd really appreciate it if you stayed out of our room, I feel that is off limits to guests."<br /> - From what I know, if you're pumping, that might not be a good indication on how much your LO is taking in at each feed. If you're pumping out 12-14oz, he might actually take more than that when he's breastfeeding. He might still be hungry after his bottle when they are watching him. Is is possible that you could leave an additional bottle of formula? If you're concerned with them overfeeding him, maybe don't leave the formula for them to make, but you could put a small bottle in the fridge so they can top him up with that as opposed to your stash? Or, is he old enough that you could introduce a rice cereal or something?<br /> - If you want them to apply the ointment after each changing, maybe leave extra tubes of it around? I have baskets all over the house that have diapers, wipes, and sudo cream in them so it's easily in reach when changing. If they're all over the place, maybe she'll be more inclined to use it?</p> <p>You don't need to have DH get in the middle, but if you all sat down together and went over the ground rules, maybe it would make things easier.</p> <p>I feel for you. When I go back to work, we will be in the same situation. My MIL will be taking care of my dd in our home and I know there's going to be many many conflicts. We just have to remind ourselves we are lucky to have people around to help with the kids!</p> <p>Good luck, I hope you get it straightened out! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489874 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:43:52 +0000 yoursilverlining 1489874@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think your DH needs to take the lead role in conversations with his parents. Do you pay them to babysit? Can you put a lock on your door?</p> <p>To play devil’s advocate; you have told your MIL (explicitly or in a round about sort of way) that 1. Her house is unsafe for your child; 2. That she feeds him too much/doesn’t know how much to feed a baby and 3. She isn’t taking care of your LO’s basic hygiene correctly. Those *are* big deals to most people and are prime feather-ruffling material, especially if your MIL is looking to have her feathers ruffled. </p> <p>I don’t know your financial situation, but I would look to move LO’s care to someone other than family. It sounds like this set-up may be more trouble than it is worth. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489868 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:39:29 +0000 rachiecakes 1489868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>this sucks :( (((hugs)))</p> <p>Personally, I think it's time for DH to step up and talk with HIS parents. Just so they are aware that the two of you are a team.<br /> Do you have a deep freezer? If so, I'd stash the BM there and put a padlock on it. No joke, that shit is GOLD.</p> <p>I hate dealing with my MIL, ugh<br /> :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489866 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:39:02 +0000 MrsStar 1489866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OMG I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with a pp idea of a family meeting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489865 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:38:52 +0000 Foodnerd81 1489865@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't really have any advice because it sounds like you handled everything exactly how I would have. But your requests are absolutely and totally reasonable, so I just wanted to validate that. The feeding and diaper ointment things aren't a matter of not respecting HER as a mother, it's about YOU being YOUR BABY'S mother. And the bedroom... well that's just common courtesy so I don't know how else you could explain it to them. </p> <p>One thing I did think of, for the bottles, could you actually make the bottles, like, leave 3 four-ounce bottles made up in the fridge (or however he takes it) so she isn't pouring them herself? Could she be making too big bottles and then he doesn't finish them and she pours it out? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489861 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:37:08 +0000 Chillybear 1489861@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not sure how to address some of those issues but can you put the feeding/over feeding on Dr's recommendation. As in "When we were at the dr's last week I discussed baby's weight and food intake and they really want me to stick to X amount of ounces per day. they're worried he's gaining to quickly blah blah blah......" She seems to think she knows better than you because she's an experienced parent and raised her own kids and sees you as a first time mom so maybe if "The Doctors says...." she might take your instructions more seriously </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489852 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:34:19 +0000 snowjewelz 1489852@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How long is this arrangement for? </p> <p>I am so sorry you're going through this... It's not that unusual for our moms and MILs to feel superior in raising children and I'm sure her attitude is like "Who are you to question me about how to take care of a baby when I successfully raised children?!"</p> <p>Can you maybe tell her your LO will gain weight too quickly and it's bad for his health? The fact is that even if he keeps eating doesn't mean he's still hungry or that he really needs the extra ounces... </p> <p>I wouldn't worry too much about her snooping besides your bedroom, since they do have to be at your house all day long. Can you lock it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489850 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:33:19 +0000 kiddosc 1489850@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That really sucks... I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would let things settle a little bit I think before taking any more action. If she doesn't walk into the house again tomorrow I would probably make an awkward joke of it, like "oh, are you afraid of me now, haha." All of your concerns are valid, and they really need to respect your wishes. She needs to realize that you're not doubting her as a mother, but her not following your wishes is her doubting YOU as a mother... and YOU are that baby's mother. Ideally I would find other child care, since I think these situations tend to cause these kind of rifts... but I realize that's not always possible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489846 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:31:30 +0000 tillma 1489846@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ginabean: LO being over at their house isn't going to happen because they have been unwilling to make the changes necessary. Their house unfortunately is dangerous. I wish that wasn't the case because you are right that would be ideal. The family meeting is a good suggestion thank you :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489827 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:26:12 +0000 Ginabean3 1489827@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh goodness! I feel for you! Is there anyway to make THEIR house safer for your LO ? Then you wouldn't have to worry about the privacy issue and you could send over the exact amount of BM you want LO to have per day and they wouldn't be able to get into your freezer stash. Although I do realize there seems to be a bigger issue here. Maybe a family meeting face to face? And have your DH take the lead in talking? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-7#post-1489806 Wed, 12 Mar 2014 15:20:29 +0000 tillma 1489806@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh gosh let me start by saying this is going to be long and I am quite embarrassed to be posting about what is not the best situation in our lives right now but you guys have always been so sweet and helpful when I have needed advice in the past and I am hoping you can come through for me now!<br /> Here we go:</p> <p>MIL and FIL have been taking care of LO and things have NOT been going well. My FIL and I have always gotten along quite well and so have my MIL and I but I wouldn't say that my MIL and I are close. She is not the friendliest person and tends to say what ever comes to mind even if it is extremely hurtful (has made comments about my weight, told me I was hurting the baby by getting sick when pregnant, told me she is sick of LO and needs a break to name a few) I don't think she means to be mean I think she just has zero filter and blurts things out without realizing how hurtful they are. DH isn't close to her either so it has never been a big deal that we aren't close. We are always pleasant and cordial to each other and up until now have coexisted peacefully.<br /> So here is what has happened: The last two months they have been taking care of LO. They are our only feasible option for day care at this moment so we have been EXTREMELY thankful for their help and have told them so repeatedly. The problem stems from trying to communicate with them over the care of LO and our house and it has not been going well. DH leaves early for work and comes home late so I have been the one that has had to communicate this with them. I have tried to do so in a respectful manner but the things we ask have all been taken in a defensive manner or disregarded. The thing is we really aren't asking a lot and I don't get why it has blown up. The only three things we have approached them on are his feeding, using diaper ointment and respecting our privacy by staying out of our bedroom.<br /> -I am breastfeeding and pumping at work. For the amount of time I am away LO should be eating 10-12 ounces. I usually am able to pump between 12-14 and at first we were just leaving it all for them figuring he wouldn't finish it all. The problem? He did finish it all and then they would break into my freezer stash for 4-6 more ounces which meant he was getting 18-20 ounces a day. Clearly this is too much and there was no way that we would be able to continue breastfeeding if this kept up. We talked with them and said he was getting overfed and they had to keep it down to no more than 12 oz. After this they started only feeding him 6 oz a day. Arrg. So we talked to them again and told them to stay around 12 and guess what happened? His bottles per day crept up to 18-20 oz again. We finally got firm with them and told them no breaking into the freezer stash (we usually leave them 14oz so it is already more than they need) but they do it anyway.<br /> -LO needs diaper ointment at every change or he breaks out into a raging diaper rash . We don't want to use powder because of the warnings about it and because it doesn't do a great job in preventing diaper rash in my opinion. This has been the source of MULTIPLE conversations trying to convince them we didn't want it used. Unfortunately we had some in the house that DH used when at his job. We would put it away in the cupboard but MIL would go hunting and find it and use it. Finally we had to throw it out.<br /> -MIL and FIL come over to our house to watch LO (have to do this as their house is not safe for a baby) It is hard having people up in your space every day and maintaining a sense of privacy can be close to impossible. We have asked them to stay out of our bedroom and close the door to help with this just to have one spot where we don't have to worry about them seeing our personal items. Despite this MIL goes in there multiple times a day to "look for the cat" who has on occasion gotten locked in there. I don't know why she feels the need to constantly check multiple times a day and can't understand why she can't respect our privacy despite DH asking her to several times.<br /> There is so much more to this obviously (walking into the house uninvited, digging through our laundry, looking through our cupboards) than what I am able to include but those are the main issues and the only ones we have chosen to address with them. This has all led up to a lot of frustration on our part and a feeling of being disrespected. DH who hasn't done a lot of communicating with them over all of this finally decided to have a conversation with his mom the other night. What he found out was that she is mad at me and feels like I scold her about everything and don't respect her abilities as a mother. **sigh** needless to say I didn't take this well. I have been pushed to the brink dealing with her unfriendliness everyday, having my privacy invaded and feeling like our wishes are being completely disregarded and disrespected. I have tried to be nothing but kind and thankful especially when asking them to make changes and keep everything else inside so I am somewhat baffled by the fact that this has earned me so much ire. Things were tense between us until the next night when she confronted me about all if this. I was respectful, didn't raise my voice or get over emotional, and didn't argue but I did let it fly (probably shouldn't have but I did) and I told her pretty much everything (eek!) For her part she argued, denied, talked over me and switched topics so often I had trouble following her. She went from telling me she loved me to telling me that my BIL won't come over to our house because he is scared of me (thought BIL and I were friends, have NEVER had a problem with him) to telling me I disrespect her abilities as a mother . In the end despite the fact that nothing had been solved and no apologies had been given she said she wanted to start fresh. Ok kinda hard but I am MORE than willing. When they came over this morning though MIL refused to come in the house until FIL joined her ( he usually drops her off and then parks the car) and neither one would really talk to me. I am hurt and sad that things got so out of hand so quickly. DH is baffled as well because up until the last two months our relationship has always been great. I am quite certain that we should have handled this better (probably shouldn't have told MIL everything that was wrong for starters but it kinda came out) but I am really not entirely certain where I went so wrong. I am also so confused by the severity of their feelings that I am starting to wonder if we were inconsiderate in asking those things. Basically I am a mess. DH and I are horribly stressed and it is affecting our relationship and I am horribly hurt and offended that things would be so bad with people who are so close to us that I thought loved me. I don't know how to handle it and I don't want to make DH get in the middle either because I know he loves his family. Please advise me Bees what should we do? </p>