https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 13 Apr 2026 14:08:10 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point/page/2#post-1988796 Wed, 17 Dec 2014 15:38:28 +0000 sarac 1988796@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, you're already way past what would be my breaking point. This sounds like an abusive relationship, and you just don't have to suffer it. I'm glad that your husband is on board with your plan. Have strength! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point/page/2#post-1988763 Wed, 17 Dec 2014 15:19:47 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 1988763@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: I didn't read any other comments yet, but nope. No way. I would not be a willing participant in an abusive relationship like this. If my children asked when they got older why grandma doesn't come over and mom doesn't visit her, I would tell them that grandma is not always kind to me and I do not choose to be around unkind people. I think it' a bad example to have my children watch/hear her be abusive to me, even if she wasn't to them (although I doubt she'd be able to stop herself from eventually treating them poorly too). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point/page/2#post-1988348 Wed, 17 Dec 2014 11:28:12 +0000 MaryM 1988348@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My sister has similar issues, so I can sympathize...but I can't imagine having to deal with it from a parent. I think it's a lot easier to avoid a sibling than a parent/grandparent.</p> <p>A few things I've done with my sister though...I never reach out to her. I've done that, and done it enough. It's up to her to reach out to me if she wants to get together. </p> <p>I NEVER spend time with her one on one. She has gotten physical before, so I won't put myself in that situation ever again. Part of her disease makes it so that she's AMAZING at "acting" like everything is ok if someone less closely related to her is there (or if my mom is around), so I will only stop at her house if I know others are there that she will try to keep a sane face on for. </p> <p>I've had to give up on the idea of expecting her to be "normal" or expecting her to apologize when she does eff up. Now we sort of expect her to ruin just about every major holiday and event (like...she called the night before my wedding to tell me she wouldn't be there). When we expect the worst, sometimes we're surprised and nothing happens. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point/page/2#post-1988326 Wed, 17 Dec 2014 11:22:01 +0000 edelweiss 1988326@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: that sounds like a good plan. you can't make yourself miserable and sacrifice your well-being for the sake of the relationship between your MIL and your LO. you are more important to LO than MIL is, so we need to keep you happy. i think very limited interaction between LO and MIL in public places is a good idea. at some point, sooner or later, she is going to show her toxicity to him if she continues to refuse to get help. so sorry you have to deal with this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1988269 Wed, 17 Dec 2014 11:00:01 +0000 .twist. 1988269@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: Sounds like you've got a good plan! Especially since most occasions are at your house! I wouldn't want that either. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1988224 Wed, 17 Dec 2014 10:41:50 +0000 Ra 1988224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Jump Rope: Of course I'd love to hear your perspective! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987746 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 23:41:01 +0000 ShootingStar 1987746@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm with @loveisstrange:. If it was me, nobody gets to disrespect me and still have a relationship with my son. I'd have DH tell her that she needs to get on meds and stop the abusiveness or she won't have a relationship with her grandson. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987700 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:56:44 +0000 Trailmix 1987700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're going through this :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987694 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:54:26 +0000 loveisstrange 1987694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly? Id probably tell her to go fuck herself and keep my kid away from her until such time as she gets treatment and gets her shit together (and proves she can continue to do so).</p> <p>That's me though....</p> <p>Im really sorry you're going through this. My MIL was an addict and had some bad mental issues too. Thankfully, she liked me but I saw how she treated my BILs girlfriend, who she didn't. Not cool. :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987693 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:52:21 +0000 Mrs. Jump Rope 1987693@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: I have a very unpopular opinion. I can wall if you'd like :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987652 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:09:53 +0000 lady grey 1987652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: My dad's mom was always super mean and rude to my mom. After a while my mom refused to be around her. My dad was cool with it and he would just take me and my sister to visit her once in a while. She was pretty nice to to us. I never thought it was that weird that my mom never came over to grandma's house (3 hours away), I just thought it was a fun adventure I got to do with dad. Maybe you guys can eventually get into a routine like that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987644 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 22:05:32 +0000 stiletto_mom 1987644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Cut most ties. Go for special occasions. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987591 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 21:13:58 +0000 Smurfette 1987591@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: hugs! That sounds awful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987585 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 21:09:44 +0000 Ra 1987585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you all for the advice! </p> <p>DH is out of town so we just spoke briefly over skype as to how to proceed. I think I am going to bow out from most family events (with the exception of B's birthday or major events involving him). They hold most holidays at our house (they are hoarders, their house is disgusting) so we are going to discuss putting an end to that and only letting them see B in public places. </p> <p>You all are right, just because she isn't nasty to B now doesn't mean she won't be later. I see how badly her abuse has affected her kids and I don't want B to ever be subjected to anything like that.</p> <p>I'm so sorry that so many of you are dealing/have dealt with similar situations. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987449 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 19:12:32 +0000 rachiecakes 1987449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: my MIL is the same - ill (aspergers/dementia), refuses treatment and is verbally abusive, mostly directed at my husband.<br /> My husband was raised in a very abusive household where his mother was the only was who wasn't criminally abusive because she "doesn't know any better". DH has cut ties with his other family (father died, stopped all communication w/brother years ago). We still see his mother from time to time, but it's hard. I'm glad we're on the same page though - and it sounds like your DH is there for you as well.<br /> I've made it clear that I will not tolerate any BS when it comes to my son. Sometimes her actions are disappointing (forgetting J's birthday... he's her only grandchild...) at least she's civil. </p> <p> :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987424 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:52:44 +0000 mrbee 1987424@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Personally I would try to have patience for conversations in group settings, but would try to set boundaries... so that if someone were abusive over the phone or over text message, it'd be ok if I just hung up or blocked their texts!</p> <p>@Ra: What a tough situation!! Hope things get better soon!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987419 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:49:25 +0000 mrs scrapbook 1987419@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We cut a family member (my uncle) out of our lives recently for very similar abusive behavior. Unfortunately, we didn't do it until I was in my 20s and My family and I had endured a brunt of the abuse for many years. We (my parents, sibling, DH and I) had tried to cut him out many times but were always guilted in to re-allowing him into our lives. </p> <p>It took a terrible holiday gathering that almost ended in a physical altercation to convince everyone else (grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins) that he needed to be out of our (my immediate family's) lives and that my family would not see him again. </p> <p>It's hard, and awkward at times, but I do not regret the decision at all. Now that he is not in my life, I seriously wonder how we got through family events all those years. It's so much happier and relaxing now. I don't have to worry about my every move possibly setting him off and causing a ranting/screaming/storming out scene. It's so much better. My child will never meet him, and DH and I are totally fine with that. I don't want them to have to worry how I did. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987409 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:41:38 +0000 Raindrop 1987409@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Does your MIL say abusive things to your son? I think when that happens that would be my breaking point. I wouldn't want my son to be around someone that said mean abusive things to him.</p> <p>If it was just towards me and DH I may put up with it for LO ... again if she's actually nice to LO and a loving grandmother to him.</p> <p>It still sounds like a tough situation. I hope she starts taking her meds and things get better. *big hugs* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987407 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:40:55 +0000 Kimberlybee 1987407@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For lack of better words, I am using this quote from the beloved Maya Angelou. Your character can be influenced by those that surrounds you. </p> <p>“The sisters and brothers that you meet give you the materials which your character uses to build itself. It is said that some people are born great, others achieve it, some have it thrust upon them. In truth, the ways in which your character is built have to do with all three of those. Those around you, those you choose, and those who choose you.”</p> <p>― Maya Angelou </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987400 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:36:18 +0000 Kimberlybee 1987400@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: My heart would be heavy too but I believe that you have to do whatever it takes to surround yourself and B with positive energy. Your DH is probably more forgiving since it's his mom so he can visit her solo. So even if this means seeing your MIL in small doses, that's what I would do. If possible, I wouldn't cut her off entirely but only see her during the holidays, with the fewest minutes available. We can't pick and choose our family but we can control how we react to them and how we let them treat us. </p> <p>There was a time when we were better off than now with strong dual incomes and no children so whenever anyone needed to borrow money, they would give us a call. I stopped answering phone calls and text messages so eventually that stopped (thank goodness). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987383 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:24:17 +0000 Greentea 1987383@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: I have had countless final straws with my mum but when she tried to pit LO against me (yes, a 5 month old baby) I felt it was too far. My mum is really sick though and refuses therapy. Is your MIL in therapy? Is there more to the story as far as her refusing her meds? Is she willing to try them again? Is she improved when she is on them? It sounds like you are willing to work with her if she can be willing to take some steps too... </p> <p>With my mum, I still gave her another chance to be in our lives when my dad passed. Her true colors really shined when she called him a failure, among other unspeakable things right after his passing. I don't want to be involved with someone that has no compassion. I think you will know when enough is enough and it may be gradual and may not be black and white. Bottom line, my mum is incapable and unwilling to change. Is MIL? I think that might be the key for me in your situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987380 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:21:17 +0000 simplyfelicity 1987380@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom has bipolar and even when her disease was at it's worse (they put her on HIGH dosages of Prozac which was HELL for her highs.) My mom was erratic, said some crazy stuff, drank and drive, took us out on the lake in a raft during winter, took long drives and came home with puppies but she was never mean or cruel. I understand that bipolar can manifest itself in different ways but I think this might be a crutch your MIL uses to say whatever she wants. I don't doubt that she is bipolar. Just my 2 cents.<br /> I want to add that my mom is now on the right balance of meds and is a completely different person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987365 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 18:01:56 +0000 Mama Bird 1987365@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really don't think you should keep a relationship with her for your son's sake. It's taking a toll on you and your husband, and if your son isn't aware yet how badly his grandmother treats you, he will be soon. Kids pick up on this stuff a lot faster than you think. Besides, your mother in law probably can't always be all Jekyll and Hyde like that... at some point, she might decide that being mean to your son is fair game too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987325 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:29:42 +0000 turquoisemama 1987325@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Can you have a reasonable conversation with her or will she just lash out? Does she ever apologize for her behavior or in anyway understand it's unacceptable? Maybe you can try explaining that you don't want her behavior around your child and if she wants to take part in his life, she needs to set a good example and take care of herself and take her meds. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987312 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:23:05 +0000 catomd00 1987312@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As hard as it must be, I think I would endure it so I could supervise my child in her presence. If it was causing damage to my own health and well being though I would remove myself. Your son will be fine if your husband is aroun and you aren't but not if the abuse is affecting you in such a way that interrupts your happiness. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987303 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:17:19 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1987303@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do what you need to do in order to keep sane. Taking all that abuse won't do you or your LO and good -- it'll affect you, regardless of how much you ignore it. Do your thing and your son will adjust. Don't pressure yourself into a picture perfect mold of how it should be. Live your life and as long as you're happy, nothing else matters. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987297 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:14:07 +0000 twodoghouse 1987297@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not to say that this is necessarily the same, but I wanted to share that I've been in a similar situation, but actually in Brady's position. I can remember being very young (5, 6 years old?) and being confused about the way my grandma (who was very mentally ill) treated my mom. I cried all the way home from Chrustmas one year because my grandma included in the prayer before dinner that we should pray for my mom, her parents and us kids because we would all go to hell unless we went to her church to be saved. At various points my grandma had cut off each of her children in turn, pitted them against each other, etc. we oscillated wildly between being close to my dad's family and have zero contact with them my entire childhood. It was confusing and hurtful as a child to hear that our grandma didn't want to see us this year. It's hurtful now as an adult to know my grandma has ignored my existence for 8 years and the DAY I had my kids she Facebook messaged my mom, begging to see pictures, to come see us in the hospital. And when my mom said no, she emailed my dad a nasty, spiteful letter about what a terrible son and father he is. It's hard knowing that my kids have a living great-grandparent but they'll never know her. I will never put my kids through the emotional roller coaster my siblings and I went through. Again, I know things are not necessarily the same in our situations, but I thought I should share because it's something I feel strongly about! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987296 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:13:57 +0000 mrs. bird 1987296@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just because someone is ill doesn't mean they're absolved of their actions. That's how they learn the importance of taking care of themselves. I have a lot of patience when someone is trying, when they are doing what they can do be as well as they can be. I have little sympathy or understanding for those that refuse to make an effort when they know their condition is harmful not only to themselves but to the people they love. She's old enough to understand why she needs to stay on her meds. I feel like it's not just positive for you to stay away from her when she's out of control &amp; refusing treatment, but it's positive for her too. A simple, 'We love you, but we can't be around you when you aren't in control. We'll miss you and look forward to seeing you once you've taken care of yourself, we hope that's soon.' Holds them accountable without alienating them long term. Sending it as email or text is helpful so that once her thinking is more clear, she can see what was actually said because recall when she's not in a well state is hard &amp; she may recall what's said to her very differently than reality. I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I hope you can all get what you need in the near future. It's really wonderful that you have been willing to work with her &amp; that you can still see the positive relationship she has with your son. You're a patient DIL! &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987294 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:13:17 +0000 kakimochi 1987294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My father, he was always liked to yell, and when he was really upset, swear a lot and yell even louder. He was a grouchy cantankerous guy, but it was my normal, but when my older brother got married and had young kids, I didn’t always understand why he wouldn’t come over to the house that often, but I understand now (now that I’m older and have kids of my own), that he just didn’t want his kids surrounded with someone like that, as my father would also yell and swear at my brother and sister-in-law (who is like the sweetest lady I love her to death) when he was in a surly mood and didn’t like something they said or did, which in my opinion, wasn’t anything big at all, he was just a grumpy guy. My brother didn’t want to cut my parents off from the kids, especially my mom who was always sweet, as cutting dad out would mean cutting mom out too, and that wouldn’t have been fair to her, but my brother’s workaround was that he would rarely bring my sister-in-law around and he didn’t come around that often, or my mom and I had to drive to my brother’s house ourselves and leave dad at home. My parents are now both passed away, but I wonder how I would have dealt with my father’s grouchiness with my kids as well if they were still around, if he ranted and yelled at my husband, it would be painful but I think I wouldn’t stand for it. If your MIL is not willing to go to therapy or treatment, then you do have the right to determine whether your MIL can see your children; it’s not right that she can be verbally abusive to you yet still enjoy the privilege of seeing her grandchildren. Children will understand for the most part I do believe, if you can explain without anger, why it is that they don’t see your MIL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-needed-abusive-mil-whats-your-breaking-point#post-1987291 Tue, 16 Dec 2014 17:11:00 +0000 kiddosc 1987291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Ra: Ugh, I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. It really seems like some serious boundaries need to be set. </p>