https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 07 Apr 2026 17:15:19 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1190261 Fri, 01 Nov 2013 10:40:39 +0000 jessibear 1190261@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mae: This is a great point! Fingers crossed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1189877 Fri, 01 Nov 2013 09:02:44 +0000 skipra 1189877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jessibear: Sorry you are dealing with this. I also have a very difficult relationship with my SIL but it sounds like for different reasons. She is our only close sibling so we were really hoping DS would have a great relationship with her but it looks like that will probably not happen. It stinks but there is not much you can do when it is the other person that has the problem. Not all families are close and sometimes family friends or neighbors or whatever can stand in to make up for those missing relationships. Wishing you the best and hoping she gets some help so that things will turn around for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1189619 Fri, 01 Nov 2013 07:55:52 +0000 theonewhere 1189619@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Seconding @sleepymonkey. Your SIL didn't suddenly start acting like this because you became pregnant when she couldn't—she's always been like this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1189556 Fri, 01 Nov 2013 07:26:50 +0000 Mae 1189556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Keep in mind too that once C is older and is more of an autonomous person rather than an extension of YOU, their relationship might be better (even if yours isn't). My mom has had issues with one of my dad's sisters their entire lives and they still don't really get along that great almost 40 years later... but both my brother and I have a great relationship with my aunt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1189519 Fri, 01 Nov 2013 07:05:40 +0000 SleepyMonkey 1189519@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>if your relationship has a history of being awkward and you've tried your best to be supportive, then unfortunately there isn't much you can do to fix the situation. the ball is in her court. i'd just continue to be supportive and act as normal. the only thing you can do is try not to let it upset you so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1189467 Fri, 01 Nov 2013 06:15:31 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1189467@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Give her space and ignore her. She's an adult and she can choose to interact or not, and although it may make things less than ideal at gatherings, it doesn't mean you have to tip-toe around her. Doing that just makes things more uncomfortable around everyone else. </p> <p>It's OK to have other family members play with your LO. She's a baby - she' supposed to get attention. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1189452 Fri, 01 Nov 2013 05:46:06 +0000 mrbee 1189452@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know it's hard not to want that great relationship between your kid and their aunts/uncles! But in some cases, it can help not to focus on that... and to let the struggling aunt/uncle get their own space to work things out.</p> <p>At the end of the day, all you can do is be warm, welcoming and considerate... it's her choice how to respond to that! I usually try to focus more on what I can control during times of stress... so I would focus on my own actions and start to tune out her's! Good luck!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1189249 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 20:43:15 +0000 jessibear 1189249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks so much, everyone! I'm still hopeful one of these days we can have a better relationship. My MIL has tried to encourage her to talk to a counselor and consider meds for depression or anxiety, as both run in the family. So far, no luck. I just hope we can find some middle ground before C is old enough to understand the dynamic. It helps to hear everybody's thoughts. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188794 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 16:23:58 +0000 mrswin 1188794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jessibear: Again, I'm sorry for they way she is choosing to treat your entire family and with the additional information you provided I would agree with many of the other ladies that there are many issues for her to deal with before you can have the kind of relationship you were hoping for. Don't take it personally, it sounds like you have made every effort and she has made none :sad: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188765 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 16:06:11 +0000 spaniellove 1188765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jessibear: It sounds like there is much more going on with her and this is just a symptom. I don't think anything you do or any clearing of the air will change things, because a lot needs to change with her (not just IF) before she can have the kind of relationship with you guys that you're looking for. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188742 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:55:58 +0000 shinymama 1188742@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jessibear: "I hope I'm not coming off and cold and insensitive." You're not. If anything, you sound like you're trying to bend over backwards to accomodate her feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188721 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:48:39 +0000 MrsSCB 1188721@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @mrsmate: IF is painful and awful and I can definitely sympathize, but it is not a free pass to treat other people badly, especially when they are clearly trying to be sensitive like you are. I don't really think it's fair for her to be completely standoffish towards you without any sort of explanation. I just wish I had some advice :-/ she must know that you all know, but I just don't think it's fair for her to expect you to tiptoe around her all the time without any sort of honesty. I'm sorry you're dealing with this (she actually reminds me a bit of my SIL). I wish your MIL were more open to encouraging a real conversation, but since that seems unlikely I'd say just keep doing what you're doing and be your nice self, but try not to be disappointed that you don't have a closer relationship, because it's not for lack of trying on your part. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188719 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:47:22 +0000 mrsjazz 1188719@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsmate: I completely agree with you. Struggling with IF is no reason to be the way her SIL is, and it sounds like this was an issue long before pregnancy.</p> <p>@jessibear: I don't think you should tiptoe around her. I think that since your relationship has always been awkward that this is something best handled by your husband and/or mother in law. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188711 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:44:45 +0000 Mae 1188711@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsmate: Agree!</p> <p>I can sympathize with her that she is going through a rough time, but it sounds like she acted badly around you even before you were pregnant. And also like she really isn't trying very hard (at all) to be even civil to you now. I wouldn't push a "clearing the air" convo and I wouldn't really try to fix it. You are not the problem here. I'd honestly just continue to be pleasant to her when you happen to see her, but stopping making any effort to make her a part of your lives more than she has to be. No one needs negative people in their lives, even if they are blood. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188692 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:38:09 +0000 jessibear 1188692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks so much everyone, I was hoping to get some perspective from her end of things and appreciate everybody sharing.</p> <p>I think it's been so hard because our relationship was very awkward prior to the pregnancy and we feel bad that we could have prevented making it worse had we known what was happening. So maybe feelings of guilt on our part as much as anything?</p> <p>We have never had a good relationship. We were friends in elementary school but not close and went down very different paths in high school and college. J has always been very negative about everything in life, dating clear back to high school and has a hard time seeing the good in anyone or anything. She pouted and was sullen through our entire engagement and wedding, including refusing to speak to anyone during my bachelorette party and two bridal showers. Our issues significantly predate the pregnancy. I think that's where a lot of the frustration comes from. I would never dream of calling her out on her infertility but do wish we'd been able to have a discussion about our relationship clear back when I first entered the family. </p> <p>I can't say that we really have ever had any fun together. She even managed to be miserable all the way through a week long trip to Mexico in 2008 for a family wedding. There seems to be very little that she enjoys and I struggle to find common ground with her. </p> <p>I hope I'm not coming off and cold and insensitive. I truly do understand, as much as I can, that it's been very hard for her to watch our family grow. My husband and I both agree that we will always be there for her but don't know how to handle ourselves when we're all together. I don't want to be angry and I know it's an unfair response to something very difficult for her. She's just been so negative for so many years, it's hard to separate her past behavior from this struggle now. I try to be as inclusive as possible when we're together, and so do my in laws, we all work hard to make sure C isn't the focus of our get togethers, although sometimes we end up pretending C isn't there at all to get through it and that won't be easy for much longer. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188675 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:30:29 +0000 deerylou 1188675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsmate: I agree. I am very sensitive to the struggles of IF, but I don't think this is an excuse to make other people feel horrible and constantly on edge. </p> <p>@jessibear: It is very unfortunate that your SIL is going through such a trying time, but you should not be made to feel guilty that you were blessed with a child. I would definitely steer away from having a sit-down, but encourage your MIL to speak to her privately, and directly, in hopes of smoothing over some of the hurt feelings and miscommunication. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188661 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:24:21 +0000 shinymama 1188661@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrsmate: Agree.</p> <p>@jessibear: I can't even begin to imagine the pain that J. is going through, but her pain isn't a reason to allow her to treat others poorly. My sister and BIL have been struggling with infertility for 10+ years, and I could never, ever fathom her behaving that way towards my children. I realize that everyone handles things differently, but it just seems unfair that J.s difficulties are being allowed to affect the entire family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188641 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:12:25 +0000 mrsmate 1188641@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think IF is an excuse to treat other people poorly. She doesn't have to be your BFF but she can be cordial. It sounds like she really needs some counseling, because her IF is interfering her ability to have healthy relationships with her family members. I'm so sorry you're going through this, bc there's nothing you can do in this situation. I would not press to have a "clearing the air" kind of conversation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188634 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:07:25 +0000 mrswin 1188634@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jessibear: I'm sorry that they are treating your DD and your family that way, its not really fair.</p> <p>However, please do not call her out about it. I have IF and we have been trying for 2 years to have a LO. I'm not excusing her behaviour but you will likely completely destroy any relationship if you call her out. I have nieces and nephews that I love with all of my heart but some days it is incredibly difficult to be around them. Please know that her anger probably comes from a lot of heartbreak.</p> <p>Have you ever tried to make plans just you and her? Getting to know her outside of the rest of the family may be your best route to building a relationship with her... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188628 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:03:36 +0000 spaniellove 1188628@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe I can offer perspective from the other side? We have been the sibling/in-law going through infertility. I stayed in touch with my SIL while she was pregnant and tried my best to help her prepare for the baby, but once the baby arrived it coincided with us learning that our treatment options were limited and at that point things got intense for us. We let DH's family know and were hurt that SIL never reciprocated for us by expressing any sympathy. In our hearts we wanted to have a relationship with our nephew but it hurt to see how happy all of my ILs seemed to be while casting us out. We thought of him often and bought him gifts but every time something would happen with the family and it just didn't work out. We're finally making an effort not to let them push us away.</p> <p>I know it's very hard for you to see your SIL not able to embrace C, but you may just have to wait for time to pass and her situation to change. It may not be so much that she rejects C so much as the pain that C reminds her of right now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188620 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 15:00:33 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 1188620@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Infertility is hard and everyone handles it differently. I would continue to be nice to her like you have been. Try not to hold it against her or get angry at her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188614 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 14:57:26 +0000 swurlygurl 1188614@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So, was she always very distant from you, even before you had your LO?</p> <p>That is really tough, there's no good answer :/ If it were my family, I would probably just bring it up with her. It's affecting everyone and becoming a problem, so it needs to be addressed before something bad happens/is said.<br /> At the same time, I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling, and I can understand the desire she feels to distance herself. It seems as if she's being pretty extreme and unrealistic about it though.<br /> Do you EVER have any fun with her? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/advice-re-sil#post-1188585 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 14:43:19 +0000 jessibear 1188585@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>As long as I've been around my husband's family, my relationship with his sister, J, has been strange. As well as I can figure, J. really struggles with being happy and positive. She is almost completely uncommunicative whenever we're with her and is angry and resentful about nearly every interaction we do have. Through the years, I've tried to be friendly but just assumed that J is the way she is, there never seemed to be anything causing her behavior and I mostly just shrugged it off.</p> <p>However, in June 2012, while at dinner with his family, my husband, B., and I told his family we were expecting a baby via a cutesy little framed photo. J. took one look at the frame, said "I figured," and left the table. She did not say one word the rest of the evening. I was shocked, B. was FURIOUS. My MIL apologized for her several days later but we were never given an explanation for the behavior. Weeks later, J. texted B. "Congratulations" and we didn't hear anything else from her for most of the pregnancy. The day we had our ultrasound and found out we were having a girl, we called all the family to share the news. J. knew to expect the phone call, but didn't answer and never acknowledged our message. </p> <p>Things continued on like this. Somewhere along the line, B.'s aunt clued us in that J and her husband had been TTC for a long time with no luck. I felt absolutely horrible and obviously would have handled the pregnancy announcement, etc. much differently had we known. </p> <p>C. is 8 months old now and J. and her husband have ignored her 95% of the times they've seen her. When we are together, I try to make sure we don't make C. the center of attention and work hard to get J. to talk about her hobbies, work and interests, although I normally don't get more than one word answers. My husband is completely fed up and angry with J. and my MIL is devastated that her family isn't getting along. I've asked my MIL many times if we could all sit down and have a conversation about what's going on and clear the air, but she is totally against that idea. J. does not want any of us to know about their infertility struggles but it ends up just being the giant elephant in the room.</p> <p>I don't know what else to do. With the holidays coming up, I know the issues are going to be even more magnified. I know I cannot ever really understand how she feels but I am also very angry that she's choosing not to have a relationship with her niece. She's told her mom that it's just too hard to interact with C. and that breaks my heart and makes me angry at the same time. </p> <p>I want C. to have a relationship with all of her aunts and uncles and right now it is SO awkward any time we're together. I do not want to make their struggles even worse, but I also don't want to spend our whole lives tiptoeing around her. I really think my husband is very close to just writing her off and I don't want that to happen. Bees, help me fix my family! </p>