https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 17 Jun 2026 09:44:40 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777438 Wed, 04 Oct 2017 09:29:52 +0000 Mrs. Yoyo 2777438@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: "Not the mama!" Pretty much ... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777418 Wed, 04 Oct 2017 09:07:01 +0000 snowjewelz 2777418@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Yoyo: It's funny because DH is more of the default parent than me but both DDs still have huge preference for me! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777405 Wed, 04 Oct 2017 08:45:03 +0000 BeachMama 2777405@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No advice really but my 2.5 year old does the same thing. When DH comes home after working and commuting 1.5 hours he'll say "No Daddy! Go back to work!" And if DH gets him out of bed in the mornings when he's crying, he'll push him away and say he wants mommy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777382 Wed, 04 Oct 2017 07:26:04 +0000 Mrs. Yoyo 2777382@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks, all. I do think the key is more time for them to spend without me -- but it's something we have to be very intentional about since I'm the default parent. I don't blame DH for occasionally getting mad/sad. He takes the high road most of the time, as he should, he's only human. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777372 Wed, 04 Oct 2017 04:21:43 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2777372@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe give them both a mission to do together with a special prize as their reward for accomplishing it (could be ice cream or a special cake, etc). Your DH can explain that he needs a big kid as his assistant. The task can be a chore outside of the house, something further from familiar surrounding the better. It can be as simple as finding a special ingredient that you can't manage to find anywhere ... give specifics like it's in a blue box, not the pink box. It doesn't have to actually be hard to find. It can force LO to interact with his dad in a different way and the task can be quick or extended based on LO's receptiveness. It could be fun! :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777299 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 17:04:22 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2777299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The only thing that helped my child's mommy preference was time and time spent WITHOUT me, with dad. They had to figure it out together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777196 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 12:19:30 +0000 Mama Bird 2777196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Yoyo: that age was a low point for us too. DH took it very personally, so I routinely had the both of them throwing tantrums about each other. Ugh, just thinking about it now makes me ill... I guess the only things that helped were time, and me being too busy to hang out with DS all the time (new baby). Maybe you can try claiming you're busy for some routine, and have your husband take it over, but don't push too hard if it keeps ending in tears. </p> <p>And if your husband likes to go hug your LO while he's minding his own business, it might help if he asked for a hug first... my kid absolutely hated it and then you'd have DS pouting that he got hug-tackled while he was just walking past DH to get a toy, and DH would be all upset that DS didn't want to hug him. </p> <p>@erinbaderin: haha, when DS was like three and a half he said the same exact thing to me, also over bedtime. It kind of hurt at the time, but in hindsight it's just so over-the-top :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777182 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 11:48:53 +0000 gingerbebe 2777182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So my eldest son is quite cuddly now, but like until he was 2, he was NOT into physical affection. So trying to hug him or whatever would have NOT worked and he would let you know. We've almost always ASKED DS1 if we could have a hug, and he will decide if he wants one or not. He also comes to us and asks for hugs, so its all very polite. :) </p> <p>DH also worked a lot and one thing we have always done is set tasks with a certain parent. Obviously, things come up, but 99% of the time, bath time is with Daddy. Books before bedtime is with Daddy. Its just like, a rule. It works for my kid, because he's SUPER routine driven, but it also forces interaction with his father and DH can also know exactly when his schedule needs to be open to do those tasks. Part of it is that the tasks he's doing with Daddy involve things he likes. For example, bathtime with Daddy also means he blasts your favorite tunes, bubbles, and gummy vitamins. So he creates a positive association with the time with Daddy. Bedtime books means reading his favorite books and Daddy will read them to you as long as you want (within reason). Another positive.</p> <p>DH did parallel play with DS a lot. DH would go get DS' Magnatiles or Duplos or cars or something and just go sit by himself and quietly play or build things. DH used it as a silent way to invite DS into engaging with him. Sometimes it wasn't a pleasant engagement (MY TOYS!) but they engaged nonetheless. And often times, DS would get caught up in building his own version or adding to whatever DH built and they would end up playing together.</p> <p>4 seems to be a pretty common time for kids to try and assert their independence and cop an attitude with parents in general. I think what's important is you and your husband BOTH, TOGETHER stand up for any disrespect he gives to dad. For instance, he screams at Daddy to go away, you both speak firmly to him about how its not okay to be rude and hurt someone's feelings. I think if DS sees that you and DH are a team, and its not a Mommy/Son team vs. Dad, it will help bring some of the family dynamics a bit more into balance. Dad needs to assert his parental authority a bit and instead of walking away, he needs to discipline his son, because its never okay to treat someone that way. And it also signals to your kid that Daddy loves you, I won't let you act like a jerk, we have boundaries in this family, and I'm not going to disengage from you because you're acting out at me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777180 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 11:42:05 +0000 snowjewelz 2777180@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: Totally agree. Kids are sensitive and he probably senses his dad's rejection/giving up in return and it exacerbates it even more. I think that as much as it hurts, DH needs to acknowledge and accept his feelings, and also reassure him that he still loves him no matter what. Maybe you can up your PDA with DH too, that might encourage your DS to do the same. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777102 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 07:52:55 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2777102@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Yoyo: Have you looked at your son's love language? How does he receive love the best? How do you show him love? </p> <p>It could be that your husband isn't showing him in the right ways. It could be acts of service (usually unlikely for kids) but maybe having DH do bath time or help him put away toys etc? Maybe its gifts and DH could draw him special pictures or give him little trinkets/toys. But find what your son responds to. Not all kids respond to quality time together. I think Mr. Bee wrote a post on physical touch and cuddling. My daughter responds really well to that (even if I Just hold her hand while she watches tv). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777101 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 07:42:21 +0000 erinbaderin 2777101@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think your husband needs to learn to respond to it better - it's a phase, and "he doesn't even want to try anymore" is not an appropriate reaction - he's the adult, your son is 3. Throwing up your hands is not a luxury you have. My son has started to react to having limits set in a kind of similar manner - last night he told me that if he had to go to bed he wouldn't be my friend anymore and nobody would ever be my friend again - and I just try to say "Well, that hurts my feelings, and I hope that you will feel differently in a little while."</p> <p>Pushing him away if he tries to get a hug or a cuddle, though, shouldn't be read as hostility, I don't think - that's just him setting boundaries around his body. Maybe your husband could start asking if he wants a hug, or saying "Hey, son, I could use a hug - would you give me one?" </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777099 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 07:27:26 +0000 Mrs. Yoyo 2777099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hilsy85: Thanks. The quality time thing does work, but the problem is the effects never seem to last. As soon as DH is back at work and LO is spending more time with me (I work too, but from home, so I am around much more) he falls right back into the same old routine. Sigh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777094 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 07:19:20 +0000 hilsy85 2777094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would encourage him to use different words to say what he wants to say ie, I don't want a hug right now daddy. Or, daddy I want to be alone in my room right now. And maybe have them spend some one on one time together? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/almost-4-year-old-hostile-to-dh#post-2777091 Tue, 03 Oct 2017 07:03:12 +0000 Mrs. Yoyo 2777091@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Any insight? He'll be 4 in a few weeks, he's always been a mama's boy, but for a while now he's just being outright MEAN to his dad. I get that parental preference is a common thing, but the level of hostility is starting to really tick me off. He regularly pushes him away if he tries to get a hug or cuddles, will tell him to stop talking (even when he's not even talking to LO) and this morning he yelled at DH to go to work and never come back, and the only thing DH had done was walk into the room. </p> <p>I have talked to LO until I'm blue in the face about how loving his dad doesn't mean he loves me any less, but nothing is working and it is starting to wreck DH. And he's getting to the point where he doesn't even want to try with LO anymore, which just makes the situation worse. </p>