https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 28 Oct 2026 08:58:14 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1832295 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 10:02:32 +0000 Orchid 1832295@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lil owl: wow! Your garden/farm :-) sounds awesome. </p> <p>I think a daily visit is very unreasonable/impossible given the distance and your husband's responsibilities. I would, however, encourage you (as much as possible) to modify things for the next 8 weeks to help your FIL. We have such a short time to do things and be there for our parents,(and if he has ALS, that time is so much shorter. I only take the liberty of saying this to you because my FIL passed away of ALS (I never had the chance to meet him). I hear my husband regret ALL THE TIME not spending more time with his father. My husband was in medical school at the time and was very busy.</p> <p>In the grand scheme of things, 8 weeks is such a short time. I know this must be very easy for me to say since I'm not the one having to make the sacrifices! I hope it works out ok! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1832251 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 09:21:18 +0000 Ginabean3 1832251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lil owl: oh my.......yikes!</p> <p>Is FIL ok though? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1832249 Sat, 23 Aug 2014 09:13:01 +0000 lil owl 1832249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the advice, it took all a turn to the worse though...</p> <p>so, a quick update:<br /> DH calls FIL every day. He couldn't reach him for two days. He couldn't reach BIL. He called him several times an hour.. At this point he started calling hospitals. And: FIL really is in the hospital! BIL knew!! He sent an email after FIL was in the hospital for 3 days and DH tried to call him like 1000 times. He wrote in that mail: “FIL in hospital.” just that. DH tried to call again and again. The next morning DH went to see FIL in the hospital. 10 minutes before he arrived BIL called, telling him he doesn't like phone call because “you have to respond at once” and “He needn't come at all” But couldn't say anything about FILs condition because he hasn't had spoken to the drs. DH went to see FIL anyway and stayed 3 hours and FIL was so happy. That evening DH called fosterBIL and he didn't know anything at all. He would have gone see FIL the day after because noone had told him he was in the hospital...and BIL knew.<br /> I really don't know what to make of this situation... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1818196 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 12:37:30 +0000 alphagam84 1818196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It seems like a steep request for daily visits! Maybe you could go up on the weekends and spend the night so he has someone with him for Saturday and Sunday? But don't cancel the plans you already made. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1815145 Thu, 14 Aug 2014 03:10:28 +0000 lil owl 1815145@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Chuckles: He's been taking care of him since May. FIL has been totally fine before.<br /> BIL is more of the I-wanna-live-now-no-regrets kind of guy. He never took care of anything, not even his son. He's chronically broke and gets some cash whenever he visits FIL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1815127 Thu, 14 Aug 2014 01:31:02 +0000 ChitownRo 1815127@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that 4 hours round trip is unreasonable to do daily. However, it sounds like your BIL has been the primary caregiver for some time and likely needs a break. </p> <p>A compromise- your DH drives round trip on Wednesdays. You go as a family of 3 and stay the weekends? I bet your FIL is lonely and will appreciate the company of family and not just his paid help </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1815118 Thu, 14 Aug 2014 00:12:29 +0000 sunny 1815118@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow I can't imagine trying to manage visiting every day with a 4 hour round trip. </p> <p>My mom was the primary caregiver for my grandmother and as my grandmother got older, my mom could not be away for very long. She came to my city for about 10 days when I got married 5 years ago and that was pushing it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1815112 Wed, 13 Aug 2014 23:47:42 +0000 gingerbebe 1815112@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lil owl: Nope, not irrational. People are nuts. I would say go visit your FIL when you or your husband have time. Perhaps make a little bit more of an effort to go see him while BIL is gone, but every day is unreasonable and no reason to cancel prior plans for. Tell your DH to just call your FIL every day to check in and check in the with the aide every day or every other day just to make sure everything is running smoothly. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1815094 Wed, 13 Aug 2014 23:10:30 +0000 Chuckles 1815094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that it's totally insane to drive 4 hours round trip every day. You all have a ton going on, but that would be crazy even for a single person. Maybe you can travel there and stay overnight for a day or two so that it's not so much driving, but you still get time with FIL and can help out.<br /> Having said that, one question I had was how long your BIL has been caring for their dad? Maybe he feels frustrated that he is the main caregiver, even though it makes sense since he is close by and your husband lives farther away. Maybe he has been wanting a break for awhile but could never do it because of the dad's condition? It's a really immature way for him to handle it, but any chance he just hit the end of his rope and felt like he wanted his brother to help out, too? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808748 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 07:35:21 +0000 Cole 1808748@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Check to see if Door to Door organics delivers to your fil's area. We get shipments from them of local organic produce and you can add on meat, cheese and tons of other local products. I may have a promo code if it works out for his area. You could send him a box from there and then go visit once or twice per week to help cook and supplement with other things. </p> <p>I don't blame you for being supper bugged by this. That's a lot of travel time and it is sad to be told you are obligated instead of someone asking for your company and help. Plus 8 weeks is a really long time! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808655 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 06:40:21 +0000 Mamaof2 1808655@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Another thought would be that your DH and his brother could chip in and hire a care service that can take him out shopping, to the stores, etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808652 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 06:39:25 +0000 Mamaof2 1808652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think your irrational at all. I understand that FIL is family but your family comes first. Its not like he lives 20 mins away.</p> <p>I would tell FIL that his in-house care will still be there every day and that your DH will come up on Saturday to take him shopping for the week - and leave it at that!</p> <p>And dont cancel vacation! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808622 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 06:24:58 +0000 lil owl 1808622@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ladybee: Thanks! It's an awful lot of work :wink:<br /> (One example is: We have alone 28 apple trees that need to be picked during that time... ) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808604 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 05:56:35 +0000 ladybee 1808604@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lil owl: that's completely different! Our garden is the size of a parking spot. That's really impressive! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808590 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 05:30:44 +0000 lil owl 1808590@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SugarplumsMom: That's how I feel </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808588 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 05:29:29 +0000 lil owl 1808588@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ladybee: We're self-sustaining (we only buy cheese and meat) so the garden is more a field than a garden and I really cannot handle that alone. But I know it sounds ridiculous. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808587 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 05:28:39 +0000 lil owl 1808587@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>And: FIL thinks DH isn't taking his condition seriously and doesn't care so he has to make him. Plus DH is lazy and doesn't work hard enough. Now DH is furious. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808586 Mon, 11 Aug 2014 05:28:20 +0000 lil owl 1808586@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone.<br /> So apparently FIL wants us to go to the farmers market, like he used to do. Simple supermarket food won't do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808421 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 22:06:38 +0000 Kimberlybee 1808421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That's an unreasonable request/ order and too demanding considering the distance. Your DH has priorities to take care of too. How could your BIL possibly think that would work? I think once a week visit would be manageable and groceries can be purchased weekly. For a few nights a week can he have food delivered to him on the days he wants different food? I would keep my vacation plans also. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808361 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 21:18:10 +0000 SugarplumsMom 1808361@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't take orders well. I'm also protective of my loved ones and I won't be able to sit back if I feel my DH is being bullied. Especially if he's just sad about it. Your BIL sounds like a ginormous tool! I think he needs to wake the hell up and realize the world doesn't revolve around him. If he has misguided guilt over his father, then he needs to sort it out himself and not involve someone else's (!) family! FIL needs to get over himself, too. I'm appalled by him thinking it's fine to have his sons catering to him like he's an infant. I'm especially pissed off since no one seems to consider you and your baby! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808208 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 19:16:08 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1808208@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I wouldn't change your vacation plans. Now that you are aware of your BIL's vacation plans, then you/ your husband should set expectations with your FIL or his caregivers regarding the kind of help you are able to provide while BIL is away. Two hours is a long way away perhaps your husband can commit to a weekly or bi-weekly visit to grocery shop. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808204 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 19:09:17 +0000 Mrs. Peanut 1808204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Keep the vacation plans! You are not being irrational. Tell them that DH will help out as much as he can but that he has a lot going on right now. I'd say visit 1-2 times a week max to help with groceries. Perhaps even the in-house care can help him with his groceries? It might depend on the company. </p> <p>I would try to be sensitive to FIL's needs and desires to see DH though. He could be a bit jealous, especially since you see your family a lot. However, demanding that he comes over every day for 8 weeks is not the way to go about expressing his feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808189 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 18:47:52 +0000 nana87 1808189@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Bil should have talked to dh about this before booking his vacation if he expects him to take on that responsibility! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808187 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 18:45:21 +0000 Amelieisme 1808187@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah, that's insane. Maybe every other week for grocery shopping? Or get a delivery service? I can't believe anyone would expect a daily visit! I would keep my vacation plans too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808185 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 18:43:44 +0000 ladybee 1808185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry what? A weeks notice!? No, you are not being irrational. I do think the vegetable garden does sound a little irrational but I get it :wink: Overall, I think DH should go one or two times. And like others have said look for a delivery service or offer to pay the in home helper more for extra help during those EIGHT weeks. I mean seriously, EIGHT weeks? If you are so concerned about your father's well being, why are you leaving for EIGHT weeks? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808166 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 18:13:49 +0000 Ginabean3 1808166@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Don't change your plans! I think your DH should go see his dad a couple of times and then have groceries delivered. Or can the in home helper pick up groceries?</p> <p>ETA: you're not irrational...it's not like FIL lives 5 min away....a 4 hour round trip is really taxing on a person, especially if he has other things going on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808141 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 17:44:48 +0000 swedishfish 1808141@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do any grocery stores around your FIL have a delivery service? Your DH could order the food online and have it delivered to him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808134 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 17:41:11 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 1808134@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think you should change your travel plans. Maybe your DH could go see him a couple of times? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-irrational#post-1808130 Sun, 10 Aug 2014 17:36:50 +0000 lil owl 1808130@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I probably am. </p> <p>A little backstory:<br /> DH and I live next to my parents, we see each other every day, help each other out etc. DH lost his mom 4 years ago. His dad lives more than a two hour drive away. BIL lives like 5 minutes from FIL.<br /> Sometime I have the feeling that FIL is jealous of my parents, but he's never been really nice to DH since his mom passed, so DH is not keen on going to visit.</p> <p>Yesterday FIL told us on the phone that BIL is going to Gran Canaria for 3 weeks and if DH would mind coming and doing the grocery shopping for him. (FIL has ALS and difficulties to move, but he has also in-house care that comes by every day) DH was confused and said maybe, depending on work and if LO is ok (LO has chicken pox right now, but who knows what else happens, he's also teething and I'm thankful for some help... and I believe DH wants some extra time with DS)</p> <p>So today BIL send DH an email telling him that he goes to see FIL everyday and that he will be away for 8 (!!) weeks and that DH should go fee their father every day instead of him. And if he doesn't want to go there that often he should go at least 2-3 time a week to do FILs grocery shopping. DH works + works/writes on his dissertation + has a 6 month old son + has a house in the middle of a renovation + a vegetable garden that I cannot take care of all alone.<br /> I'm really angry that BIL orders DH there without even asking so that he could go on vacation for 8 weeks. And he asks one (!) week in advance... I haven't been on vacation since our honeymoon. We wanted to visit relatives in September, everything's booked. Now we should stay so DH can see FIL? Maybe I'm irrational. Maybe I should be thankful for all the times that DS can still see his grandpa. But I'm just mad. I don't think this is ok. We have plans. We have work to do.<br /> DH is only sad because they didn't really ask – to him it felt more like an order...</p> <p>What would you do in that situation? I can really use some advice!<br /> Am I wrong for being angry? </p>