https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 08 Apr 2026 20:04:49 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3/page/2#post-2658262 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 17:45:00 +0000 Cherrybee 2658262@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: they have met them many, many times but they find them overbearing and hard to get on with. Good idea about the following weekend though.... although, actually, we have DH's cousins birthday party to attend, damn. The weekend after! :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3/page/2#post-2658253 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 17:33:33 +0000 Mama Bird 2658253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: that's a pity! But I suppose they don't know most of your husband's family so it would be a bit awkward? Hopefully they can come over the weekend after or something! That's what always happens with our birthday parties - family thing first, because we have to, and then celebrating with friends as soon as we can. The multiple parties kind of drive me crazy, but I'd rather do it that way then give up on seeing the few friends we still have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2658246 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 17:28:00 +0000 Cherrybee 2658246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, my BFF replied and thanked me for the invitation, but declined because she said they wouldn't feel comfortable.... she said they would feel like they were intruding on a [DH's family] Christmas. Never mind, eh? :crying: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657923 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 11:42:54 +0000 youboots 2657923@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get where you are coming from but just let her make the pudding. Have some friends over to enjoy the pudding you already started. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657911 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 11:30:43 +0000 Mrsbells 2657911@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Firstly is great you put your foot down about hosting every other year. I think over time it will get easier as your MIL gets used to it. Them asking to cook the turkey is bit rude I think because thats the main part of the meal! Regarding the pudding i've spent time in england and i see nothing wrong with having two puddings since each recipe is different. She can bring hers and you can make yours. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657884 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 11:08:29 +0000 looch 2657884@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What about making traditions that don't revolve around food? I know that is easier said than done, because it's something my family is struggling with as well. My dad likes to have everyone around the table, but my son doesn't eat anything that's served, my nephew barely does, and I end up leaving the table to make sure they behave. So, I suggested we do things like decorate cookies, go see lights, make decorations/trim the tree, etc. It's a work in progress, but my parents at least feel like they are doing something and I don't feel badly that I basically miss the dinner. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657879 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 11:01:08 +0000 Freckles 2657879@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: A little late to the thread but i'm glad you feel better now! One thing i do with big groups is serve the kids first and then the adults. The kids go off to play and the adults can enjoy hot food! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657878 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 11:01:04 +0000 ElbieKay 2657878@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: Holy crap that sounds exhausting! I would not put that much energy into managing someone else's unreasonable expectations.</p> <p>@Cherrybee: I am dealing with a version of this. I have a family now. I want to have holidays at my house. Other people are welcome to visit, but I don't want to sit in the car and spend the day trying to watch my son in a non-childproofed house. I don't want to listen to my dad hold court and sit at the head of his table spewing politics I disagree with. And I don't want to spend the ENTIRE DAY sitting around my MIL's house while my husband cooks dinner so she can "host" even though he does most of the work.</p> <p>My family always spent holidays at our house when I was young. So why wouldn't my family now exercise the same privilege? Things can't stay the same forever, nor should they. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657752 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 07:06:40 +0000 erinbaderin 2657752@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: This makes me so happy to read. I hope you have a fabulous day. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657744 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 05:02:35 +0000 Cherrybee 2657744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:heart: :heart: :heart: Thanks everyone! @gingerbebe: your stepped approach is amazing, I love it! </p> <p>The thing I love about posting on here is its like a counselling session. I knew that the strength of my feelings were way out of proportion to the crime - its just pudding, I need to get over myself. But I felt so wounded!</p> <p>Reading your responses has helped me to see what the real issue is. I had 11 Christmases between moving out of my childhood home and meeting DH. In that time, I built my own traditions around my own loved ones - my mum, my BFF (who I've known since I was 5 and is close to my mum), BFF's DH (who we've known since we were 15 and walked me down the aisle). </p> <p>DH's refusal to host was never about not going to his parents' for dinner. He has spent Christmas at ex girlfriends' parent's before. It was that he couldn't *host* without inviting them and inviting them means inviting his brother and his kosher keeping Jewish wife (who's family don't celebrate Christmas so there's never a year they don't travel to our city for Christmas). In our old house, our kitchen was tiny and there was no way we could handle the kosher thing..... so we couldn't host. As my mum was never going to host in her tiny flat (plus, she can't cook bless her), we went to DH's parents every year. </p> <p>We started doing *my Christmas* with BFF on Christmas Eve, but we all work Christmas Eve so it had to be an evening thing. Once kids came along for BFF, we had to scrap it. The day after Christmas Day is called Boxing Day here and is traditionally the blended family's second Christmas - but DH's family have a "boxing day sports" tradition, where the men go to a sports game (about 20 people) while his mum and the women cook a buffet them to return to. So my Christmas was put on hold until we had a bigger house..... </p> <p>We now have a bigger house, with a dedicated kosher oven, kosher utensils, a second refrigerator.... But my BIL and SIL now have two kids, as do we, and there ISN'T ROOM IN OUR DINING ROOM FOR MY BFF'S FAMILY. Gah! To make matters worse, my SIL is very confrontational - she clearly doesn't want to travel and do the Christmas thing, she's is very awkward about food every year (I do understand) and has my MIL in tears every year. She hasn't replied to my recent text to approve my menu. And because of her, I can't invite MY family. And now my MIL wants to cook as well. I might as well just give up and let MIL have her way because the only difference this year is the venue. </p> <p>So there we have it. So much unsaid. So much resentment. All coming out over pudding! :silly: </p> <p>So...... I text my BFF last night and invited her. Even if I have to serve dinner in shifts, I don't care. MIL can bring as many puddings as she likes because it's not about that! It's about my needs always coming second because we don't want to upset people. It's about the sense of duty always scuppering everything. </p> <p>So thank you. :heart: I feel amazing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657737 Mon, 28 Nov 2016 01:05:14 +0000 gingerbebe 2657737@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>No, you're not crazy.</p> <p>BTW, I JUST had a conversation with some friends about this tonight. What I suggested to my friend - and now to you - is to use a multi-year approach to ease your MIL out of your kitchen.</p> <p>So over the next year (when Christmas is at her house), you ask your MIL to teach you her recipes so that you'll know how to make them since you're hosting some of the family gatherings now and because you want to pass these precious family recipes down to your kids. Bring a notepad or a laptop and take notes and write it all down or have DH type while you assist your MIL, etc. Make a big fuss about it, blah blah blah. </p> <p>Then the following year (i.e. the year you host), ask your MIL if she could be a big help and assign her one or two of the really painstaking things, like the fruit cake. If she asks if you want her to make anything else, tell her "I have all the recipes, remember?" Then suggest she start a new special traditions with the girls like making Christmas cookies together or decorating a gingerbread house as a centerpiece for the table or something like that, so that she has something to do in the lead up to the holiday and slowly over time her cooking responsibilities can be replaced with these grandmother-type activities. For the dinner, make one or two of her recipes (like her "famous stuffing"), but make whatever else you want. Then at the dinner, make a huge fuss about MIL's stuffing or her fruit cake. If she asks where her potatoes are or her pudding or whatever, just say "someone was raving about this pudding so I thought I'd go wild and try something new!" and shrug it off. </p> <p>That way over the years she gets a graceful exit from the kitchen as opposed to being completely replaced all of the sudden. She always gets the attention of having something of her's on the table, and you legitimately get a collection of all her recipes to pass down. The benefit of this is that you can also have your mom contribute recipes and you can have a family recipe book to keep (and could be a good Christmas gift!) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657636 Sun, 27 Nov 2016 16:57:31 +0000 Mama Bird 2657636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Dealing with the same thing more or less, so I don't think you're overreacting. For what it's worth, if I was hosting (oh will that day ever come?) I would expect the guests to bring at most one dish, and even that if it was discussed in advance so we don't end up making the same thing twice. But you've won the big battle, and this can be figured out in the years to come. Really, why not just make two puddings and split the leftovers, give your in laws some of theirs and some of yours to take home? Maybe a pudding cook-off will become your new tradition! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657632 Sun, 27 Nov 2016 16:43:52 +0000 looch 2657632@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get it, I am with you on this one. At the same time, it's time for your MIL to let go a bit, and I am sure that is hard. Everything gets better with a little time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657578 Sun, 27 Nov 2016 13:06:49 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2657578@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are not overreacting, your MIL clearly is dramatic. This isn't news to you and as you said she has her good points and is a helpful grandmother so I'd let her have her way a little bit during the transition year. It would be gracious and hopefully appreciated. Maybe in time it'll get easier for her to give up more. </p> <p>My husband also comes from a family with strong holiday traditions while my family is more laid back and generally goes with the flow, things can change every year. My wonderful husband decided to bring up possibly changing our holiday plans last night at our son's birthday dinner. My MIL and FIL seemed to react pretty well but I was too distracted to get too into it. We have one child now and will have two next Christmas and I just don't want to be held to my husband's childhood traditions forever. I like the idea of our kids spending more time at our own home on Christmas rather than elsewhere or bouncing around all day in the car. I think it makes a lot of sense. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657571 Sun, 27 Nov 2016 12:35:25 +0000 katsupgirl 2657571@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I don't know if you have time for this but our family does a second thanksgiving and second Christmas. We go to my aunt's on Thanksgiving day but because we are allergic to her pets we don't eat much and spend it hopped ip on Benadryl. So my mom decided to do Thanksgiving part 2 the next day. </p> <p>We host Xmas but spend most of the day running around so we do a part 2 a couple days after. </p> <p>For both we invite family friends or my inlaws. It's a tradition we look forward to. It's more relaxed because we invite friends and my mom can entertain how she wants. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657456 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 17:28:46 +0000 catomd00 2657456@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I get why you're annoyed but I wouldn't get upset over it. You're hosting, make whatever you want. If there's extra because she cooked too, oh well she can take her leftovers home! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657455 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 17:26:38 +0000 Anya 2657455@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you have the right attitude about this year being the transition year. I would suggest that next time it's your turn to host that you get ahead of the game and ask her early on if she would please PLEASE do you the biggest favor and make her famous pie and potatoes (or whatever) for Christmas dinner?! Make her feel very special and important for helping and then hopefully you can make your pudding etc., in peace. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657454 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 17:21:02 +0000 travelgirl1 2657454@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Another thing to try could be this year you make the pudding and she make the cake, then next year you switch? Then you both get to use your own recipes for something every year. Good luck, I hope your first year hosting goes brilliantly! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657453 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 17:15:01 +0000 Cherrybee 2657453@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone. :heart: </p> <p>I can see by the way I feel when I read your replies that this isn't really about dessert but about the bigger picture in which I feel smothered to the point of controlled by DH's parents. I love them so much.... But I'd like to do me. And she's feeling the same way, only in reverse. My SIL (DHs brothers wife - MIL just had the two boys) is quite challenging and she has caused a lot of upset with my MIL this year, around issues I just let go (like what her toddler eats etc) - so she is probably feeling a bit redundant and rejected. Plus, I guess she doesn't know what to do with herself if she isn't super busy serving everyone. </p> <p>I will be extra sensitive, and see this as a transition year. And, hey, what's a few more desserts? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657450 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 16:34:24 +0000 Trailmix 2657450@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can see you being annoyed but I would def still let your MIL bring her desserts and not say anything. First of all, it's less work for you! And second, like others have said, this is probably a big deal for MIL to not have Xmas at her house so be extra sensitive and graceful to her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657442 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 15:44:41 +0000 ALV91711 2657442@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>She is being unreasonable, not you. I think it will be a hard year but hopefully when it is your turn again it will be easier. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657423 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 14:53:00 +0000 Mrs. Lion 2657423@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds like maybe just an honest conversation where you share that it is important to you that you are able to have your own family traditions might help. Decide what you can live with and then stick to your boundaries. If she wants to bring a side of something maybe thats something you can give on, but she needs to let you lead some. She said shes been doing x since she was 20 years old. maybe you can gently remind her that when she had a young family she was able to build her own traditions and you would appreciate the opportunity to do the same. </p> <p>You have to be willing to deal with the fallout though...if she is so unreasonable that she cant hear what you are saying then thats on her. She may throw a fit but you need to be able to stick to your boundaries once you set them or nothing will ever be different. Its okay for her to feel sad about her changing role but its not fair for her to pin that on you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657421 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 14:40:13 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2657421@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You are not over reacting. The years she doesn't host means she doesn't cook unless asked to by you. If she wants to eat all of her own foods then nothing is stopping her from making it and eating it when she gets home. I think your MIL is really missing the fact that she is not the only other woman/wife/mother in the family anymore. I hope the next time it's your year she just shows up as a happy guest. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657419 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 14:26:06 +0000 skipra 2657419@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can see how it's annoying for you but try to see it from your MIL's perspective. This is her tradition with her family and you are trying to change. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to want your own for your family, but I can see why she is upset too. Why is it such a big deal for you to host? Could you try other traditions such as xmas eve or a special breakfast? Could you ask everyone to come to your house for dessert and games instead of the whole meal? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657404 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 13:37:17 +0000 Cole 2657404@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree you're not overreacting. I think a lot of us struggle with wanting to make our own traditions as we have children and it has to be hard on our parents and in laws but it doesn't mean it desires are invalid. I feel like traditionally when you're invited to someone's home for am event you ask what you can bring or maybe offer an idea and wait for it to be expected so in that sense I feel like she overstepped. I really like the idea of viewing it as a transition year though. And personally, I'd still make ask the things I planned anyway and she can bring her stuff in addition- it will be easier next time for you to say "I've got this" to her. Plus, if you do wind up struggling with timing or sick kids, she's got your back. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657397 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 13:13:54 +0000 newlypregnantlady 2657397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely don't think you're overreacting, you're being perfectly reasonable. That doesn't mean people will react reasonably. Holidays make even the most reasonable people crazy.</p> <p> I've been dreaming for years about Christmas with just my nuclear family and I've talked to my husband about it. This year we had a serious discussion about it and I basically learned that because he always spend it with extended family, he doesn't think of it as Christmas if it's just spent with our nuclear family (while the exact opposite is true for me). Running around to four different Christmas parties on Christmas Day is super stressful and my husband doesn't like it but he doesn't think opting out altogether is what Christmas is about. </p> <p>Basically what I mean to say is that I definitely am feeling you on holiday stress. People get very upset when you want to change things up and communicating clearly with people is almost impossible. I love my ILs and they're totally reasonable people, but communicating with them about holidays is just impossible. I feel like I've been put in a place where I'm either a pushover or selfish. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657390 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 13:06:51 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2657390@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: are YOU overreacting? I don't know, I read this as being annoyed but not the end of the world, which I think is understandable. I definitely think she is overreacting though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657389 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 13:06:03 +0000 erinbaderin 2657389@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would absolutely be annoyed, your MIL sounds like a drama queen and frankly a manipulative one - she knows she can break out the tears to get what she wants. And it's frustrating that you thought you'd finally get to host and she's commandeered the whole meal. So I think you make whatever you want (maybe you have her famous roast potatoes and your famous mashed potatoes!), you have all the desserts, and you go from there. I sympathize with her a bit - I also hate change and like my traditions to be the same every year - but she has to acknowledge that her son has a new immediate family now and things are going to have to be different. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657387 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 13:02:33 +0000 gotkimchi 2657387@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have navigated this as well and it def got easier after the first year. I would make everything exactly as you want and if she wants to bring desserts over fine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-overreacting-3#post-2657385 Sat, 26 Nov 2016 12:55:07 +0000 avivoca 2657385@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You're not overreacting. I would be livid if either my mom or my MIL wanted to take over at MY house. But I agree with the others, this is a transition year, and honestly, the more desserts, the better. </p> <p>Your MIL is overreacting. She's doing it because she knows she'll get her way (my mom tries to do this as well and my SIL does it too). </p>