https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 05 May 2026 04:17:09 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818987 Sat, 16 Aug 2014 00:44:17 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1818987@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If you can work in after school pick ups go for it. I was very close with my parents growing up and still am. They both worked full time and traveled quite a bit. I was usually picked up within the last half hour of the after-school program. It was our normal and just what had to be done. </p> <p>@Mama Bird: personally, i think we all spend too many hours at work to be miserable and carry that over to the people who matter to us most. But, leaving something that is comfortable is a huge step too. You will have to determine if your salary is worth the sacrifice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818973 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 23:36:54 +0000 Mama Bird 1818973@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone :heart: I'm glad no one thinks I'm crazy or lazy for wanting more time with DS. I'm also glad to hear that many of you had parents working full-time or are doing it yourself, and it's not so bad :) I totally agree that quality time matters more than quantity... although it's hard to separate them at this age - rush a toddler, and you've got a meltdown and there goes quality time!</p> <p>I guess my husband is worried changing my hours would "look unprofessional" and he really wants my career to grow, because his isn't. We thought he was getting fired a month ago, but it worked out and he was transferred to another department instead (long story... but yay!!!!!) I totally see his point of view, but is it really better if I get promoted but I'm miserable and it's rubbing off on the entire family?</p> <p>I don't know how things will work out in two years. Maybe school will turn out to be awesome like day care. Maybe my husband will have a decent job and I'll start a business and make my own hours. Anyway, I'll remember that I'm the mom and I'll do what I think is best! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818955 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 22:50:08 +0000 lilteacherbee 1818955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I definitely don't think it makes you lazy and I'd be pretty pissed if someone said that to me. DH and I are both teachers and while we'll never be rich, one thing that keeps me in this profession is knowing that I'll be able to see my kids more and we'll be on the same schedule. If you're able to change your hours and that's what you want to do, I say go for it! You're the mama and it's your kid.</p> <p>Also, it may be because I'm sensitive to this subject right now, but I don't think daycare is raising your son. They may physically have him and take care of for a certain number of hours a week, but you make decisions for him and do everything in his best interest. You're still raising him! (My mom watches my LO while I work and she recently told me, during an argument, that she raises him...and it really upset me.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818929 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 22:14:06 +0000 lady grey 1818929@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If it feels like too much to you and you want to spend more time with your son, then make it happen. If there is anyway you can afford it, I say try to work less or get a different job. You have the rest of your life to work, but not the rest of your life to spend with your young child.</p> <p>That being said, my mom (who is a therapist) always says "its quality not quantity" that counts with raising children. If you are content with your current situation and you get good quality time with you LO then don't sweat it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818923 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 22:10:00 +0000 Anutka 1818923@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Like others mentioned, happy parents have happy kids, it's not all about the hours spent together.</p> <p>I think it's important to sit with your feelings and figure out exactly what you want. Sometimes we have concepts in our minds of what is best, but when we look deeper, those do not fit our situation best.</p> <p>And once you know what you truly want out of the situation, then discuss with DH what will work best for you as a family. Be open with the communication to make sure you hear each others' wants. Again, happy parents - happy kid.</p> <p>Hugs! These dilemmas are never easy. Listen to your heart and don't doubt yourself, your love for LO is the same no matter what! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818769 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 20:35:18 +0000 hummusgirl 1818769@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>100% what @gingerbebe said: Can't the reason just be "because I'm his mom and I feel like it"?</p> <p>My mom stayed home for several years while I was growing up and I felt like we spent a lot of time together as a family, but we're not super close now - our personalities just don't mesh that well and they don't really get me. I don't think spending even more time together growing up would have changed our relationship today. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818761 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 20:30:43 +0000 Vegmama 1818761@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you should follow your heart. I am on the same page as you, but I also don't think it will be developmentally bad for your LO to be in daycare for long hours. </p> <p>If anything, he's getting an amazing opportunity to learn how to play with other kids and socialize. </p> <p>I think it's important that you and your partner are on the same page, and everyone else (in-laws/family) shouldn't have a say. </p> <p>Thinking of you! I am sure this is heavy on your heart. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818759 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 20:28:52 +0000 Greentea 1818759@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: you are not being ridiculous and I back you 110%. Your feelings are valid and they matter. You yourself said you could make up the other hours from home- I hope you follow yourself on this one. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818744 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 20:21:02 +0000 pui 1818744@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with PPs that I do not feel that either way is "wrong", it's whatever works best for you and your child.</p> <p>I do not think wanting to cut back on work to spend more time with your family is "lazy". If it's what you want to do and you can pull it off, I think it's a perfectly valid choice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818687 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 19:47:53 +0000 immabeetoo 1818687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>adding, DH is very close to his family and both parents worked FT and he did afterschool care, etc. He had a more 'extended' family with daycare providers and others in his small town - which I think is a good thing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818678 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 19:34:20 +0000 swedishfish 1818678@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: my parents both worked full time jobs and we are very close. Please don't blame your lack of closeness with your parents on them working...and my parents raised me while working full time just like DH and I are raising our daughter while working full time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818676 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 19:30:25 +0000 catomd00 1818676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think either choice is "wrong" or "right." It's about what works for you and your family. You and your husband (no one else) are the people who need to make that decision. Having a child in extended daycare does not mean you aren't raising your child. Just because both parents work full time doesn't mean you can't have a close relationship with your children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818665 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 19:21:32 +0000 immabeetoo 1818665@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mama Bird: I would say to keep your MIL &amp; parents opinions out of it. If it's important to you, you should emphasize that to your husband and make it work. I think your concerns are valid - that is a long day for a little person! But obviously any kid in loving, capable care is going to be just fine. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818640 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 18:55:53 +0000 Adira 1818640@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I agree with this 100%.</p> <p>Xander's been at daycare 10 hours a day everyday since 12 weeks. And once he starts preschool, he'll be in before/after care. I don't have the option of working from home and we can't afford for me to not continue to work full-time, so that's just how it's going to be. I'm not worried about it, but we also don't have much of a choice. I think if you want to and you can move your hours around so you can be with your child more, do it! :D </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818583 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 18:00:55 +0000 Cole 1818583@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have been a nanny for a few moms in your position, I admire them sooo much because they seem to have this super power of making their time with their kids really count for a lot. I think quality time counts for a ton. I know it is a huge weight on your and their shoulders and I don't think there is a right answer. I don't think that the hours he is in child care is too much if it is working for your family. Big hugs to you as you work out what the "right" option is! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818581 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:59:42 +0000 Skadi 1818581@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can't contribute much. I just want to say that my DH and I wrestled with this and eventually it boiled down to, "What are we actually working <i>for</i>?" As in, what is the point of working to earn money, if not to provide our children with the best possible environment? We came to the conclusion that we could make the sacrifices that were needed so I could stay home and raise our children. I don't mean that to sound preachy at all. Or easy (because it's not). I just want you to know that you are validated in feeling the way you do, fearing the things you do, and I hope your DH (your MIL should <b>NOT</b> be included in this decision <i>at all</i>, please forget what she thinks and do not appraise her of the discussion!) can find a solution that fits your family needs best. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818575 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:54:39 +0000 travelgirl1 1818575@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think you're wrong and certainly not lazy, I think everyone has a different idea of what is right for their family, it's not a one size fits all. You ARE raising your LO though, you are the one making decisions for them, not daycare.<br /> I think if you can swing it financially, and you really want to make those changes, then you should, if it is that important to you. If your husband will come round, of course. I don't see what it has to do with your parents or in laws, it's between you and DH. Good luck, for what it's worth, I think whether you work full time, part time or stay home, it's such an incredibly hard decision to make. I constantly question myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818572 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:53:10 +0000 edelweiss 1818572@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i think you and your husband's feelings are the most important here. why does your husband resist the idea of you changing your schedule? i can understand if it's going to make finances really hard, but it doesn't sound like that's the case? i do think your son is going to be fine because there are lots of issues that matter besides time in school/after school care, BUT a big part of this is a family decision and you guys need to do what feels right for you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818564 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:46:59 +0000 gingerbebe 1818564@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't think its a matter of whether the kid is fine - its a matter of whether YOU are fine. Kids aren't going to be happy if their parents are unhappy.</p> <p>For what its worth, both my parents worked long hours and my brother and I were latch key kids from VERY early on - like they probably would call CPS on my folks in this day and age. But my brother and I are both really close to each other and we both have good relationships with our parents (well, not so much with my dad, but its more because he's a jerk). We didn't see our parents all that much and they couldn't come to most of our school functions, but they always conveyed how much they loved us and how everything they did was to ensure we had a good life, so we never felt like they were choosing work over us. They just didn't really have options otherwise.</p> <p>My brother and I always did great in school too and although I personally was bullied in school, I don't know that my folks being around more would have changed that. Kids are just mean and they were always very supportive and encouraging and made sure any bullying was notified and dealt with by the school or the bully's parents.</p> <p>That said, if it bothers YOU to be away from your child that much, then that's a whole other situation. If you can CHOOSE to be more involved with your kid's life and want to, then by all means do it. But I don't think you can predict how stressful school will be for your son until he gets there and see how he does. If he IS stressed out, then you can use that to bolster your personal desire to be more present in your child's schooling, but I don't see why wanting to be around your child more is "lazy." Can't the reason just be "because I'm his mom and I feel like it"? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818563 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:46:54 +0000 Espion 1818563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If they are using the word "lazy" to describe parenting, then they are the ones with the problem, not you. You have to do what you feel is right for your child. You could rephrase it to them like this, "So you don't think it is appropriate for me to be there for my child in their formative years?" The answer, in my mind, is easy when you put it that way. Do what YOU have to do for your son, and if they don't see why, then remember you are the parent, you are the mother, and you make these decisions. They can walk off a short pier. </p> <p>Sorry, I get inflamed when people try to tell others how to parent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/am-i-wrong-i-need-some-perspective-long#post-1818549 Fri, 15 Aug 2014 17:38:38 +0000 Mama Bird 1818549@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Bees, I feel very strongly about this and could use a balanced perspective. How much child care is ok for a very young child? Is 10 hours a day, every weekday, reasonable? What about preschool and elementary school - is it reasonable to have a child in afterschool programs every day, coming home by 5 or 6?</p> <p>I have to give my husband credit, he planned so that we could care for DS ourselves till he turned one, between me working from home and his vacations. But I have a high stress job where I'm always on call during the day, so we couldn't keep it up longer. DS has been in full time day care since. I was against such long days at first, but stopped arguing when I saw the kid is mostly happy there... it seems to be really slowing his speech development for some reason, but he's making strides in other ways. Oh, and he's that kid whose parents always pick him up last :(</p> <p>Well, I went with the day care situation, but I've dug in my heels that once DS starts preschool, I'll change my work schedule to be able to pick him up from school. I'm not even talking going part time... if I'm still at this job in two years, I'll be able to make up the hours from home. If DS wants to go to afterschool programs, fine with me, but I don't want to force him into it.</p> <p>I have lots of reasons. For one, I think school might be more stressful emotionally than day care... kids can be really cruel at that age, and I feel that's when they need more parenting to make sure they're not bullied or becoming bullies. For another, I don't see us affording a neighborhood with good schools, and will probably need to do some educational things with him at home to make sure he's learning. For another thing, I need this for me... I am feeling incredibly sad that I do not get to raise my baby. My parents both worked, and while we get along, we aren't close - we don't talk about Big Things, we don't have the same values, and they're not the people I go to when I need a hug or a pep talk. They have no idea what I want in life, or why. I just don't want that kind of relationship with my son.</p> <p>My husband, parents and MIL all feel that the way things are going is fine and I should just keep working and not be lazy. So should I keep arguing with them that I need to be around my kid more? Or just accept that everything is fine and I'm being ridiculous? </p>