https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 03 Apr 2026 23:45:08 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760701 Fri, 21 Jul 2017 16:06:47 +0000 mediagirl 2760701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: thank youuuuuuuu. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760695 Fri, 21 Jul 2017 15:48:10 +0000 daniellemybelle 2760695@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: Agreed. I was on the fence for a while until suddenly we felt ready. We always thought we wanted two (and a surprise would have been totally fine) but we waited to TTC until we felt like we wanted another child - not just a sibling for LO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760687 Fri, 21 Jul 2017 15:35:15 +0000 jhd 2760687@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ScarletBegonia: my LO was born in April so I was just a few weeks behind you! :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760568 Fri, 21 Jul 2017 10:04:35 +0000 Shantuck 2760568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've never been in the one and done camp but I was also nervous about how #2 would change our lives. Because it took us awhile to get pregnant the second time around, we ended up with a larger than expected age gap and I felt like parenthood had just started to get enjoyable because we could go explore and not be constrained by nap times, breastfeeding, etc. Basically, as soon as things started getting easier, we were starting over again with all the restrictions. However, I may be in the minority, but adding #2 wasn't that much more incremental work. I wouldn't really say things are that much harder with two than with one but maybe that is due to the age gap (DS is potty trained, can get himself a snack, dress himself, etc.). We are constrained by nap times and baby life but #2 brings us so much joy that I'm so glad we persevered through the fertility struggles. Life is different with two but it wasn't really that much harder (though, I'm 8 months in so maybe I don't know what I'm in for yet!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760545 Fri, 21 Jul 2017 08:58:21 +0000 keekee 2760545@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would wait a little longer to have a set mind whether to have another baby yet. Good that you share the same feelings with your husband as it would have further complicated issues were it different.<br /> I would think you still have time to enjoy your son before getting another baby. Especially as its what you both want at this time.<br /> Talk with your DH and reach a decision based on how you both feel at the moment. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760510 Fri, 21 Jul 2017 00:55:36 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2760510@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jhd: I think we were in the March 2014 birth month group together! </p> <p>I have really enjoyed reading through this discussion as well....I wouldn't say I have much more clarity than before but it is stimulation/reassuring to read other people's thoughts :happy: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760509 Fri, 21 Jul 2017 00:12:17 +0000 jhd 2760509@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's helped me to read through and hear everyone's experiences. We've been trying since last August. Our LO is also 3. It's just hard to know if I should keep hoping for another one or just make the decision to stop trying and just be happy with the one wonderful boy we have. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760503 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 22:58:37 +0000 youboots 2760503@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: I agree kindness and mutual respect is thicker than blood to me. I don't think blood means that much honestly. Families are unique and I have lots of friends that are my family. And family that is family. And blood that I never intend to see again soooooo. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760478 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 19:44:37 +0000 snarkybiochemist 2760478@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Several people have mentioned the thought of elder care as a reason for having another child to share the burden so to speak, and while it can be hard doing it all alone, it can also be easier to not have to run decisions by another person (aka a sibling). Having only 1 child also means that your child will not be hurt by how you divide your assets, nothing drives grieving families further apart then picking a will apart. My husband did some estate law and was always appalled by how problematic this issue could be. I am an only child (with step siblings) married to an only child, planning on only having one child. Due to family circumstances I will be providing all eldercare and support for my grandfather, so just some perspective. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760446 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 17:21:23 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2760446@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@looch: "Another reason is that I just don't have the nerves to be able to handle a lot of chaos. I like things to be manageable and I know my limits." This rings SO TRUE to me - even with a mostly easy baby through to preschooler, I've had periods of anxiety and periods where I've felt out of control, and I think thats a big red flag for me in terms of adding another body to the mix. I don't deal well with chaos either. I'm also seriously introverted and while my mental health is very stable, I do require a lot of alone time to recharge, which with one child has been fairly easy to manage (and an understanding husband helps a lot!) but I know that time will be well cut down with a baby. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760367 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 13:37:02 +0000 ALV91711 2760367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ScarletBegonia: The asking about #2 drives me nuts. People don't seem satisfied unless there is a covert answer, so lately I tell people we are done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760255 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 10:21:18 +0000 looch 2760255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are one and done, and part of the reason is that my husband and I were the oldest children and a lot of childcare fell on us. My husband was clear that he didn't want the same for our family.</p> <p>Another reason is that I just don't have the nerves to be able to handle a lot of chaos. I like things to be manageable and I know my limits. </p> <p>I do hope that my son builds his family as he sees fit, though. I think it's possible to include people in it as you see fit, I for sure don't subscribe to any blood is thicker than water theories. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760227 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 08:21:07 +0000 yoursilverlining 2760227@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are 99% one and done and not very conflicted about it, although there are certainly moments. Like others, holding friends’ babies actually helps solidify that I’m happy with our little family of 3. I like being able to give LO my undivided attention and resources and I’ll be honest and say I also like being able to give myself a lot of my time, energy and resources.</p> <p>Just my experience with siblings, as several of you have talked about that. I have 1 brother and my husband is an only child. He loved the experience of being an only and never felt lonely or like he was missing something. He comes from a huge family, which I think helps, but he’s also really good at forming and maintaining long term friendships. My brother and I are friendly, but as adults we are not friends. We just really don’t have much at all in common and we don’t talk that often - - when we do it’s always in relation to something specific (making plans, etc.). I love him of course, but it isn’t like we are close. When it comes to caring for our parents/eldercare, for a variety of reasons, I’ll be doing pretty much all the heavy lifting on that so having a sibling won’t for me guarantee that I don’t bear the brunt of eldercare. My mother found herself in the same situation with her mother, although my uncle provided some monetary support to my grandmother. </p> <p>My husband the only child, on the other hand, has been best friends with the same woman for more than 25 years and they talk and text on an almost daily basis. He has other long term friends that he talks to on a near weekly basis as well. When it comes to eldercare for his parents, sure – it’s on him/us, obviously – but honestly, my only child husband has a much stronger familial-like support system than I do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760221 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 07:58:20 +0000 MrsADS 2760221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc yeah, this is what I struggle with. If I have a #2 I know I'm going to be totally miserable for another few years. I don't have baby fever, I have no desire to go through all that again. BUT... is it worth it to suffer through so that long-term, in 10 years, my family is what I want it to be? Maybe so. </p> <p>@themrsgoff this is one of my main factors in considering whether to have a #2. Of course, I know there's no guarantee siblings will get along as adults, etc etc, but I don't want my son to be alone. His cousins on my husband's side are 8-13 years older and live really far away so we don't really have a lot of close cousins/family. Maybe I would feel differently if that were the case.</p> <p>Having said both of those things, I also can easily envision our family of 3, and I know it would be easier and we might be happier/less stressed...even long-term. I really don't know. And I don't feel like I can wait (forever) due to my husband's age. Ugh! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760194 Thu, 20 Jul 2017 00:03:49 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2760194@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is interesting, since I've been struggling with these thoughts I have come across so many people with non-existent/broken relationships with their siblings...its probably just because I'm noticing it more since its on my mind, but it definitely happens. Its making me question the whole "we want to give him a sibling" line of reasoning...</p> <p>I am definitely over being asked when #2 is coming along. I have started telling people we aren't trying just to cut the line of questioning. Even though its not strictly true, its nobody's business and there is NO perfect spacing for children? Why is it such a shock to people that we wanted a 4 year gap - and if we do end up with a second, the number of years between them doesn't matter a bit to us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760185 Wed, 19 Jul 2017 23:07:08 +0000 ALV91711 2760185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsGeePerez: There are other ways to have a support system than siblings. If DS does end up being an only child he has two cousins who are 1 &amp; 3 years younger. Even at a young age they are close. I just think of this because DH and his brother who are two years apart rarely talk but and he is closer with a cousin. </p> <p>@Mrs. Carrot: Yes to being an adult again. I hate how it is such a tough decision. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760175 Wed, 19 Jul 2017 21:39:17 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2760175@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm 36 as well and in a similar state of feel - I love the relationship we have with our daughter (just turned 4), and she is/was a pretty easy kid so I have nothing to really fear. That said, I just have no hankering for another one, and I'm 99% sure that I'll be 1 and done. Hubby would love another, but has always accepted my call on this so it's not a source of tension. Even though my kiddo was easy, I didn't handle early parenting days (and really the first 18 months) very well, so even though I've learned a lot and would be better the second time around, I like the flexibility to be an adult again, having time with my husband, all the things that come with an older kid. And my brother and I aren't very close, and I have a number of great one-and-done role models that make me comfortable in this decision. I am leaving some room to change my mind, though I think if I do want more kids, I might look at fostering and/or adoption rather than going through pregnancy (which was a breeze, tbh) again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760170 Wed, 19 Jul 2017 21:19:39 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2760170@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you so much to everyone for your replies! I'm reading and nodding along.<br /> @themrsgoff: I definitely hear you on that. I have moved far, far, far away from my parents and as they get older I am aware that in a health emergency the burden would fall on my sister who lives closer to them (until I could figure out how to get home) - I do consider future situations like that with my husband and I and our son, especially if he follows in our footsteps and has insane wanderlust.<br /> @ALV91711: Hugs, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I identify with everything you've written! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2760160 Wed, 19 Jul 2017 20:15:44 +0000 themrsgoff 2760160@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think everyone has their limits. One thing I consider ( I love my son to pieces) is that I don't want to leave him all alone when myself and my husband pass. I want him to have siblings, a support system of some sort.</p> <p>That's just one of the reasons we want more - but do what is best for you and your family! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759848 Wed, 19 Jul 2017 10:56:33 +0000 MrsGeePerez 2759848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsADS: I feel similarly! My son is just about 21 months, and our first year/year and a half was hell on earth. I love him to pieces but he also had colic and has been very high needs since day one. We always imagined having two, but it takes two people just to handle him alone! </p> <p>We are currently buying a larger home so at least we'll have the space if we ever feel brave enough to try for another... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759743 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 23:22:48 +0000 ALV91711 2759743@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Before we had DS the plan was to have two close in age. Then DS came along, he was a great baby but a terrible sleeper and super clingy to me. It took me more than two years to consider another. </p> <p>Then 1.5 years ago just before DS was three we agreed to stop birth control and let whatever happen. After almost a year and nothing we were both coming to terms and accepting that one kid is what the cards held. Neither of us are interested in pursuing anything medical. </p> <p>Then earlier this year I became pregnant and was pretty excited. I miscarried at about 7 weeks. It's now been 4 months and I feel like you said you feel in the tww. </p> <p>If this isn't the cycle I'm not sure I want to keep trying. I don't think DS would miss out by being an only child and at this point it would be a 5+ year age gap. We are in a pretty good groove as a family of 3. </p> <p>Sorry for the ramble. It is a big, tough decision. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759738 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 22:48:47 +0000 PurplePeony 2759738@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have been on the fence since we started TTC our DD, and I think we've finally settled on one and done (she is 3.5 now). I'm not completely closed to the idea of another but I'm also totally at peace with our family as it is now. I agree with @Rocker2014 that being around friends with babies helped me be comfortable with the decision, as I have no baby fever whatsoever. I also disliked being pregnant and find parenthood really hard, as well as being hard on our marriage. My husband travels a fair amount (I do too, to a lesser degree), so that definitely comes into play. There are just a lot of reasons that weigh in favor of one and done for us, and not much tilting the other way except the sibling for her/more family around the table in 25 years/not solely burdening her with our decrepit selves one day arguments. So while we could still change our minds, I think that's unlikely. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759659 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 16:50:19 +0000 NoLovesong 2759659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>(Wow, my first post! Ha...)</p> <p>My husband and I were never too set on how many kids we wanted to have and when to have them. I think we just are both the types that figure so many things can change all the time and plans can not work out, so we prefer to be more spontaneous... I know, not always the recipe for happiness but ..<br /> We now have two boys, one is 6 years old, the other 5 months.<br /> We had our first son when we were both still in college. For quite a while, my birth experience kept me from ever wanting to do THAT ever again. I just wasn't able to say whether I really wanted a second one - much too soon to decide! Not yet at least!<br /> (Don't get me wrong, our son was the most wonderful sunshine to us.)<br /> After a few years, I had regained such independence (I am a musician who travels a lot for work, and things had gotten so well organised that I had many periods of time when I was<br /> traveling without child, so that it felt like the perfect balance-- enjoying work independently on one hand and cherishing the time with my family on the other hand.).<br /> My husband and I were even separated for two years in between, before we had #2. So much for planning things... Now we are so happy to have two kids who love eachother to pieces. (Ok, so I have no idea what things will be like when they are 17 and 11... uhm, I won't give that any more thought right now)<br /> It is a great joy and the time that has past in between was just what it was. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759652 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 16:42:40 +0000 kiddosc 2759652@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: I think what people mean by the Thanksgiving/Christmas comment is to encourage people to think beyond the young children years. Baby/toddler years are hard and I hear people say they don't want to do that stage again, but in the grand scheme of life, that stage is short. Think ahead to the future, having school aged/teenaged/adult children and think about what you hope your family looks like in those scenarios. I don't think it's always great advice to think about what would make you happiest now, sometimes you need to put in a little work and grit your teeth now to be even happier later. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759612 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 15:21:38 +0000 JLC53 2759612@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am right there with you and posted about it last week!!! My son is 17 months old right now and I always thought that I would have 2 kids. But thinking about the newborn days all over again make me cringe. </p> <p>I decided that I am going to wait a little bit more before I even consider trying to have a second. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759472 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 11:20:47 +0000 catlady 2759472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had a hard time with this too. Pre-kids, I was already on the fence between having 1 and 2. LO was a tough newborn, and I had a miscarriage before having her which devastated me, so it took us awhile to come around to trying for #2. When she was almost 2, we decided to go for it. Two more losses later, I started re-thinking things again. DH and I decided to take a break from TTC and figure out if maybe one and done would work best for us after all. We were a couple months into our break and I think if we had gone on much longer, we would have decided to stop at one. We had a great little family of 3 and it was very comfortable. But somehow we had an oops and I got pregnant (still don't completely understand how it was possible). In the early days of that pregnancy, I told myself that if I lost this one too, we would be done, end of story. But once I got further along, I got very excited. And when he arrived, I felt like our family was finally complete. It's only been 7 months but it's hard to imagine life without him anymore.</p> <p>So...all that to say, I think I was close to being one and done, and in all honesty, I probably would not have really regretted that decision. But I feel a sense of peace now with 2 kids that I didn't have back then, and I think I really just wanted 2. I could totally see the opposite happening for someone else though. It may be worth taking a short break from TTC and ask yourself how you would feel if you got pregnant unexpectedly. For me, it ended up being the best thing to have happened, but if you truly think you might be content with one, I think you'd probably feel differently. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759460 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 11:07:10 +0000 MrsADS 2759460@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Sigh, this is really timely for me. We have one son (almost 2). I/we always thought we would have two kids. I didn't want him to be an only child. I grew up and still am very close with my sister. I think in 5 or 10 years I would be sad to only have one. Etc., etc....</p> <p>However. I feel like motherhood has been really hard for me. The first year/year and a half just felt like walking through hell. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but it was a nightmare for me. He NEVER slept, awful colic and reflux, extremely high needs, I never slept, it was just awful. When he was a baby, I remember thinking "there is NO WAY I could do this and take care of an older child. No way." And I still feel that way. I am terrified of having a second kid. I have no baby fever at all. I love my son but it is still all-encompassing, overwhelming, exhausting, and I can't imagine adding to that. </p> <p>But... I still have the same thoughts I did before about "I think I might regret not having a 2nd in five or ten years' time." Or that I really do not want my son to be alone when I am old or gone. (I know there's no guarantee he would get along with a sibling). My husband is ready to try for #2 but he is happy even if we just have 1. He is in his early 40's so time is ticking. </p> <p>Basically, I feel very torn and I don't know what to do. :crying:</p> <p>@mrskansas I think if my son had been like your daughter as a newborn I would have fewer doubts about trying for a 2nd. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759455 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 10:54:15 +0000 mrskansas 2759455@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So last year my husband and I started trying for #2. I was never super excited about it but my husband really wanted more than one and I thought it was the right thing to do since I didn't want my daughter to be lonely growing up.</p> <p>It has now been 11 months, 7 total pregnancy losses and we really are comfortable with only having one child. We've had so many discussions over the past year and we realized that (1) our daughter is not going to be lonely growing up. She will be involved in as many activities as she wants to be and we will encourage strong friendships. (2) Having another kid does not guarantee they will be friends. My sister and I are a few years apart and have never been close. We are just too different. (3) We will have the ability to give our daughter so much more time, attention and opportunity that she may not have if we had another. </p> <p>I know everyone's situation is so different, but for me, going through pregnancy loss &amp; infertility really opened my eyes. It made me think about the real reasons why I wanted to have another, and at this point, I simply just don't want another child. We have so much fun with our daughter and I know that I'm happy now and will be in 5, 10, 15 years. I held a newborn last week and I was like, nope, this is not for me. My daughter was also literally the best &amp; easiest newborn... I only remember one night when she was like 7 weeks old that she cried for more than like a minute. It was bliss. She has also been the best toddler and has a great little personality and temperament. I don't really feel like testing fate with another child (as bad as that may sound, it's how I feel).</p> <p>My response was probably pretty rambly but I hope it makes sense! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759447 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 10:40:55 +0000 wrkbrk 2759447@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rocker2014: This is so interesting, thank you for your perspective! I have a BUNCH of pregnant friends right now (all on their seconds as the firsts will be turning two soon). I am so curious to see if I feel like you do when I go see the new crop of babies! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/another-one-and-done-post#post-2759404 Tue, 18 Jul 2017 09:06:50 +0000 Rocker2014 2759404@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DH and I had planned to be one and done, but I was always a bit nervous about us or LO missing out on things if she was an only child. We did some serious talking about having another after LO was born, but I could never really feel settled with the decision either way. DH and I are in our late 30's/40's, so it was now or never. </p> <p>What finally made me fully comfortable in my decision was that two close friends recently had babies, and I spent a bunch of time with both of them. During every visit with the babies, I felt like "nope, never again, not for me" and that's how I knew that I was totally ok with LO being an only child. I love our family unit, and LO has plenty (12!) of cousins, and is in daycare full time so I don't worry about her not having enough social time. I'm not sure if this would work for anyone else, but for me, actually holding another baby is what it took for me to know what was right for me. </p>