https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 01 May 2026 17:23:34 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544696 Mon, 09 May 2016 15:21:21 +0000 gingerbebe 2544696@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm always frank to most people about having had losses. But I've always been very open about it. I don't get all weird about it - I just say "Well we've had some losses so it's hard to say." That usually works for 99% of the population. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544684 Mon, 09 May 2016 15:05:49 +0000 SweetiePie 2544684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@oskarsmommy: Yes, agree. That's why with most women I'll be honest. Because I've found that SO MANY have said "yes me too" and it's become a nice bonding experience.<br /> And one friend I told about needing IVF recommended her RE to me...and he's who gave us our son. So sharing can be good.<br /> Gotta take the good from the bad I suppose. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544683 Mon, 09 May 2016 15:04:52 +0000 SweetiePie 2544683@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's pretty normal to give different answers based on the audience. I'm very candid about our losses when talking to friends we are close with. Or if it's just one other woman I might mention it. But if it's a professional acquaintance or one of my husbands friends that might feel weird. For my MIL I say "never" just to shut her up (and a little out of spite). </p> <p>Like @MaryM: said, sometimes DH or I say "it's not always up to us" or "it's not always that easy" or "yes we plan to but things don't always go as planned".<br /> Sometimes I want to say "that's a very personal question". But would never have the balls unless it's someone I really dislike. </p> <p>*to clarify we had 2 losses before our son was conceived via IVF/PGD, I haven't had one since he was born. Now that he's 20 months we are getting asked when we're having another. So our answer before DS was framed around our losses and our answers now are framed around IVF/PGD and that uncertainty. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544675 Mon, 09 May 2016 14:51:22 +0000 oskarsmommy 2544675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I mention the loss most of the time.. At first I didn't and it hurt me. I am taking the stance that maybe being more open about it will make it feel less isolating if someone who happens to ask ends up in the same position. The ones who shared with me were the first ones I reached out to when I was going through it myself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544520 Mon, 09 May 2016 13:02:57 +0000 mrsjd 2544520@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>So tough. In the midst of our struggles, especially if I had an alcohol in my system, I would say "No idea, we're just having fun practicing right now." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544506 Mon, 09 May 2016 12:53:42 +0000 LibbyLou 2544506@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm pretty sarcastic when I answer. We have been together a long time and have gotten asked when we are having kids since the weekend we were engaged. After our loss I say a few things.<br /> If someone says "do you two want kids?" I'll say " yes and I also want a million dollars. Know anyone who will give me either?"<br /> Or I'll say "not in the next 9months" or "we will have kids with the help of science". Or something along those lines.<br /> People don't mean to be rude they just don't know until they've been there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544443 Mon, 09 May 2016 12:00:10 +0000 Eko 2544443@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would just answer with 'whenever it happens'. for me, the whole reason why I would share any loss news wasn't because I was being dismissive, but because I wanted support and comfort for how hard it is. Majority of the time I ended up feeling worse because people sometimes don't know how to react and I would feel more disappointed then if I didn't say anything. Or, maybe some people I did tell, later would forget and say something insensitive. So, I never really would tell anyone except people I would specifically talk about my loss with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544394 Mon, 09 May 2016 10:57:41 +0000 Mama Bird 2544394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry, I wish people would stop asking that question! It's such a loaded question if you really think about it, you never know if a family a struggling with a loss/money/ill health or something. I wish I could have told people that they should be more sensitive when the question came my way, but it always totally came out of left field and I was caught off guard and would just say something meaningless like "maybe later." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544385 Mon, 09 May 2016 10:52:46 +0000 MrsKoala 2544385@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is the worst question possible when you've dealt with a miscarriage. I'm pretty private so I wasn't willing to talk about the loss but you might feel differently. When people asked, I just kind of played it off by saying "when we're ready" and left it that. I stayed as vague as possible. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544292 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:53:27 +0000 MaryM 2544292@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: Well, DH only had to side step a little too much for my liking once before I stormed out of a bar nearly in tears and said that can't happen again. </p> <p>DH isn't confrontational at all, but he also isn't as sensitive to things as I am. Being up front about how much this kind of thing hurts helped. </p> <p>I guess I'm just less likely to talk to random people in a bar so it doesn't happen to me as often! DH will start a conversation with pretty much anyone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544286 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:50:20 +0000 nana87 2544286@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2PeasinaPod: omg! what a jerk to push like that! :shocked: glad you put him in his place!</p> <p>@T.H.O.U.: good to know others have the same strategy! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544285 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:48:18 +0000 nana87 2544285@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Coffee-lover: lol! so true! </p> <p>@MaryM: :heart: I'm glad people have backed off asking for you! That's a good idea to have dh step up, though people always seem to ask when he's not around for some reason, prob bc he's quiet about more personal issues </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544282 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:46:03 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2544282@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In between 1 and 2, I would always say, "We hope to someday." If they press, I'll follow up with, "It's not always as easy as it seems." That usually will get them to back off without feeling too awkward.</p> <p>ETA: There was a guy who rudely replied to that with a, "sure it is...or don't you know how to have fun?" I shot back at him that miscarriages aren't exactly fun." When you're an asshole, expect me to be an asshole back to you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544271 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:34:40 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2544271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We answered very similarly. Depended on the situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544266 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:24:30 +0000 MaryM 2544266@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our last loss was a late term one, so thankfully people in our lives haven't been asking about our plans to try again. And those who are really close know what I'm going through to try to make that happen. </p> <p>For really rude strangers that try to give us advice on how we have kids, I asked DH after our first loss to please step up and handle those. He pretty firmly will say something like "It's just not always that easy" or something along those lines. Meanwhile I just throw daggers at them mentally. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544265 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:24:21 +0000 Coffee-lover 2544265@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also answer differently depending on who I am talking to. The only family we told was my mom, we will not tell anyone else family wise. If it is someone who I am not close with I usually just say "hopefully soon" and change the subject. If it is someone I am close with I usually say "we are trying but have had a couple MC so keep your fingers crossed for us" and leave it at that unless they start asking questions.</p> <p>Just last week I had a MC and everyone at work was repeatedly asking me if I was pregnant. It was so akward and I did not know how to answer. I told a couple people that I was but was losing it, and told everyone else that I wish I was pregnant.</p> <p>I understand what you mean by saying that if you dont mention it it seems like your hiding it. But it is just like any other personal information, it is not always an appropriate time/situation to share it. If some random person asks how your night was your not going to say, oh Im so tired from staying up late having sex, lol.</p> <p>Just do whatever feels right for you. For me I am realizing I do not like to say anything while the mc is happening, but it is bery theraputic for me to share after the fact. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544257 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:15:39 +0000 nana87 2544257@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@travelgirl1: @erinbaderin: these are really good answers, I'm going to keep them in mind! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544253 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:11:41 +0000 nana87 2544253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catlady: oh yeah, he definitely is fine not telling her. with lo, he was really adamant about not telling anyone, though now he's a little more laid back about it--he understands that this is really hard for me and that I need to talk about it sometimes now. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544246 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:06:26 +0000 erinbaderin 2544246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I used to say "soon, I hope". I thought that struck a good balance between a terse reply, honesty, and a reminder that sometimes it isn't up to us. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544237 Mon, 09 May 2016 09:02:17 +0000 travelgirl1 2544237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was very honest about it and said we would love another baby and had just had a miscarriage. Yes, it was awkward sometimes, but I still did it. One, because it acknowledged the baby had existed and I really struggled with it being a secret (DH didn't really want his friends and family to know) and two, because it taught people that sometimes those questions are awkward and don't ask if you're not prepared for honesty.<br /> Big hugs, it is such a hard time ❤️❤️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544233 Mon, 09 May 2016 08:58:49 +0000 catlady 2544233@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: I think as long as your DH is ok with it, it's perfectly ok to not tell your MIL if you think it won't help either you or her or your DH. In our case, I actually have a great relationship with my MIL but because she historically doesn't deal with my losses well, DH is ok keeping her in the dark. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544184 Mon, 09 May 2016 08:22:07 +0000 nana87 2544184@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@catlady: that's really interesting about the differences between how your family and dh's family reacted, because I sort of feel the same way. I told my parents after my loss because I felt like I needed their support, but I feel sort of guilty that we didn't tell mil. Fil recently passed away and it seemed like too much to burden her with at the time, plus his family just doesn't show emotions to each other the way that my side does, so it felt awkward. But I know I'm a lot snippier about/with her sometimes now than I used to be be, I just have less patience with her shenanigans and guilt-trips (we have boundary issues in general with her--she's perfectly capable of doing things independently but leans on dh anyway, for example expecting him to organize her bills when a) she's a lawyer--she literally does paperwork for a living and b) we live out of town...). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544176 Mon, 09 May 2016 08:08:37 +0000 catlady 2544176@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I probably would have handled those situations in a similar way. Luckily, I don't get the question too often. The last time I was asked, I was actually already pregnant but only about 5 weeks, and I didn't want to share it. I just mentioned we were trying but had a history of loss. My friend responded by telling me about how long her TTC journey had been (they almost had to try IVF but got lucky). So we had a good chat and I wouldn't have known about her difficulties if I hadn't said anything about my own.</p> <p>For people who are not friends, I usually just say something vague and let it go. I don't think it's dismissing my losses if I keep them semi-private. As it is, no one from DH's family even knows that I am pregnant now because if we lose this one, I don't want to have to tell them. They have reacted weirdly to our previous losses and frankly, I don't want to deal with it again because it just adds to my pain. I did tell my own family though, because in the past, they have handled the losses better. I think it really comes down to who you want to know about your history. After 3 losses, I know who will support me and who will just get weird. I'm not necessarily hiding my losses, I'm just choosing whom to share them with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/answering-when-are-you-having-another-baby-questions-after-loss#post-2544157 Mon, 09 May 2016 07:54:14 +0000 nana87 2544157@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How do you answer questions about when you're having a baby/another baby when you've had a loss? </p> <p>We're getting questions about this more and more lately (maybe bc lo just turned 2?), and I'm finding it so awkward! I feel like I'm answering differently based on different people, so like:</p> <p>-friends of dh's that I'm not that close to: they asked if we were "thinking" of having another soon, and I said yes but didn't elaborate. I felt like telling them about the loss would make them feel awkward, but then I felt like I was hiding our loss, which made me feel like it didn't happen, and made me feel horrible all over again. </p> <p>-one of my graduate school professors-- I just laughed (he was asking in a joking way) and said "we're trying!" and didn't say more. it was at a end-of-semester reception so small talk-y, and I def wouldn't tell him more anyway!</p> <p>-very close friends, and I told them that we were trying but had had a loss. </p> <p>On one hand, it's private. On the other, it makes me feel like I'm dismissing my loss if I don't mention it, and like i'm prioritizing their feelings over my need for support (though the 2nd situation didn't make me feel like that--that was a professional situation and those details would be too much anyway--he shouldn't have asked, haha). It feels like I'm hiding it, and I don't want to be adding to the stigma. </p> <p>So, what do you do? </p>