https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 19 Jun 2026 14:49:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382470 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 00:22:45 +0000 HLK208 2382470@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think there's no harm in asking about it if you're worried. They might just put you at ease. I voiced my concerns before to my son's preschool director. She reassured me that it was being handled and told me how they can help prevent incidents from happening in the future. </p> <p>I don't think two incidents of pushing is bad but talking to the director/teachers at least let's them know that you're concerned. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382465 Wed, 09 Dec 2015 00:07:11 +0000 serenity207 2382465@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, thanks everyone for your feedback! It's been so helpful to hear other peoples' experiences and viewpoints. It seems like the reactions are split almost 50/50, which is a little of what is going on at home right now. I'm more in the camp that these are young kids and that this behavior isn't abnormal. While it makes me sad and upset for my child to be on the receiving end of this behavior, I also really try to keep in mind how I would want my child and I to be treated if the tables were turned. Talking to my husband helped me to see more of the other perspective too though as he was more upset that the teachers seemed a bit too laid back about these occurrences. Several of the other boys in the class are a lot more rowdy and aggressive than our son (he can be a handful at home but so far at school seems to tone it down) and he wants to make sure the teachers are a little more mindful of keeping an eye on children who might get more aggressive especially during free play, on the playground, etc. </p> <p>To be honest, I think part of the contributing problem is that the program is pretty new (in its second year now). The school has been around for a while but the preschool portion opened up only a few years ago and the 2s class even more recently than that. So I think the preschool in general is working out its kinks in terms of policies (i.e. I was told the name of the child in the first incident and they just didn't know what had happened in the second) and everyone is still figuring out what to expect, etc. I am almost positive the teachers aren't certified teachers so I'm sure that also contributes greatly. In hindsight, I should probably have placed him in a school with a more established, professional history but he had been a part of a weekly playgroup here and so I figured for a handful of hours a week, familiarity and comfort with teachers he already knows would be a big plus. I'd think more deeply about the professional and experienced aspect of it in hindsight. </p> <p>Anyway, thanks again to all for your feedback. I think for now I will speak with the teacher and make sure I understand next steps if future incidents continue to arise, and also ask if one of the high school helpers can keep a closer eye on the more aggressive child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382380 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:56:33 +0000 lovehoneybee 2382380@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Two incidents doesn't seem so bad to me. E has been bitten 3 times in a year at a half at his preschool, once hard enough to bruise his skin for days. I wasn't happy, but I know it's the age they're at. And, to echo some pps, FWIW our preschool doesn't include the other child's name on the incident report. They say "a child" because they don't want the parents taking it out on each other or the other child (and trust me, it's a good thing....I got into a serious screaming match with the mom of the child who bit E the last time. We both happened to come in right after it happened so we both knew, and I wasn't upset (my first question was "did E provoke it?") but SHE was blaming E AND ME for HER child biting mine. Pretty much the exact reason they don't disclose the names...</p> <p>If you're concerned you should definitely talk to the teacher and/or director. Ours is always willing to discuss their methods for handling situations like this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382378 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:54:16 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 2382378@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it probably signals a larger problem with the other kid and I imagine the school is working on it, by its totally fair of you to ask about their rules/strategies.</p> <p>My son was hurt a couple of times and I did ask about it and it sounds like the preschool is doing all they can with the other boy and it's a persistent issue. Once I knew it was an issue where just my son was being targeted and that I knew they were aware, I felt better. (And nothing has happened in a quolite awhile...) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382373 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 21:37:03 +0000 Mrs D 2382373@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have dealt w some similar issues.</p> <p>1) out incident reports never include names of the other child involved.<br /> 2) I always share my concerns with the director or assistant director.<br /> 3) I spend more time in the morning or evening (depending on the kids schedule) so I can observe the interactions if we are going thru one of these phases/incidents<br /> 4) that ratio seems sufficient to allow teachers to better monitor - state req'd here is 4-1 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382306 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 20:28:42 +0000 Smurfette 2382306@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Two incidents doesn't seem like a lot to me at all. They are kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382274 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 19:45:12 +0000 winniebee 2382274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>While it sucks to have your kid involved in any sort of altercations, I don't think two incidents over 3-4 months is that big of a deal. T was scratched and hit by the same kid on multiple occasions. I trust that his teachers dealt with it appropriately, and just sort of take it as "it's part of life." If it happened every day or if it was really upsetting to my kid, I might take a different approach. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382267 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 19:36:02 +0000 loveisstrange 2382267@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm on the "that's not so bad" train too. My daughter has been bitten at school two times this semester, once hard enough to break skin. Yes, it was upsetting that she was hurt. I was not mad at her school. I feel like they handled it adequately. Sometimes kids get overwhelmed and they lash out because they don't know how to react.</p> <p>And our school also does not disclose student names when we are notified of an incident. I'm surprised this isn't a standard policy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382236 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:56:37 +0000 gracecat 2382236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I hate it too as my DD is usually the victim of pushing or getting toys taken from her by other kids but I think it's totally normal. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382231 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:54:11 +0000 Keybee 2382231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'd talk to the parents of the child if you know who they are.<br /> Talk to the teachers and see what interventions they are running, but as teachers there is only so much they can do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382206 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 18:24:10 +0000 BandDmommy 2382206@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Personally, I don't think this sounds that bad. Two incidents? If it bothers you talk to the teacher or director. My guess is the other parent didn't know about specific child involved, incidents are supposed to remain anonymous to protect both children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382168 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 17:40:18 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2382168@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm with @Anagram: and @Adira: . This sounds like typical kid behavior to me and just two instances over the whole time he's been in daycare wouldn't upset me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382145 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 17:15:34 +0000 Anagram 2382145@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Eh, I'm with Adira...I don't think it's a huge deal. Maybe it's because we have live in a town with super crowded parks, but LO has had worse when I myself am 6 inches from her, supervising---kids pushing and what-not. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382125 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:56:53 +0000 megjay18 2382125@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i would definitely say something. at a school my son was at (2.5 at the time), he was pushed down and bitten and hit numerous times. we said something and nothing changed. so we switched schools. you should never drop your child off and then have to worry all day if they're going to come home hurt - that's the absolute worst. I know that kids will be kids and accidents happen, but it shouldn't happen multiple times in a short time period, especially with the same aggressor. typically a teacher should be shadowing or watching that child more carefully to intervene before something happens. </p> <p>always trust your gut - if it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382056 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:12:40 +0000 Adira 2382056@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Maybe I'm reading your post wrong, but it sounds like your son has been in preschool for months now and has had two incidents where he's been pushed down? That doesn't really sound like a big deal to me... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382050 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:08:02 +0000 edelweiss 2382050@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i think if it's pretty clear that one of the kids is responsible for a lot of aggressive behavior, the providers need to be much more proactive and shadow him more closely to prevent the behavior. not looking to shame him or anything, just to try and get ahead of the situation and help him redirect his behavior when he feels triggered. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382043 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:03:57 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2382043@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, we are dealing with a similar situation. I know parents have talked to the director but I just dont know what to expect them to do. Should they up the ratio (bring in more help)? More training for teachers? Better ways to keep kids separated? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382042 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:03:06 +0000 Chillybear 2382042@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be upset too.... I know my kid will often tell me if something happened "so and so pushed me" but there is no incident report for it because there was no injury (i always got reports when she was bit, which unfortunately happened a lot) I just try to mention it to the teacher the next day. As in "F told me L pushed her yesterday, were they fighting over a toy? she's mentioned it a lot lately would you mind keeping a closer eye on their interactions" </p> <p>If it keeps up I would talk to the director and just say I think my child is being bullied by some of the more aggressive students in his class, what can we do to prevent this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382041 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:02:14 +0000 yoursilverlining 2382041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think in the situation you described, it is totally fair for you to speak with either a teacher, or a director (or equivalent) and have them work on some sort of plan of action, especially if this is the second incident with the same kid. </p> <p>In my LO’s toddler class, there was one boy who was too “fixated” with/on LO. He wasn’t super aggressive or mean, but he would not leave her alone, was always touching her, and would take things from LO or push her to get her attention. He would also push others who wanted to play with LO, though he was otherwise VERY sweet and wouldn’t normally push. I spoke with the director and her teachers and they had noticed his sort of fixated behavior, and they had one of her two main teachers shadow him more and redirect him for several weeks, which solved the issue. With the ratio you’ve described, there is no way they can’t sort of assign one of the teachers or the floaters to help keep this one kid in check. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382040 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 16:01:22 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2382040@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just FYI - Most times both ends of the incident reports will not include student names. So they may have been notified that their child pushed another student, but they may not have been told who. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382038 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 15:59:00 +0000 mauxie 2382038@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be upset, and would ask the teacher how it got to that point. I totally understand kids can be rough and things happen quickly, even with a teacher right there, but I'm assuming they talked it out with the kids to get a general sense of what actually went down? Was it a "you're in my space and I don't like it so I'm going to push you" thing, were they pretending/acting out fight scenes, etc. I'd want to know that so I could follow up with my own kid and ask "when a friend does X, what should/do you do?" </p> <p>Do you get incident reports for these types of things? </p> <p>DD is 3 and regularly says that a particular boy in her class is "not very nice." She will tell me stories about how he hit so-and-so, messed up so-and-so's paper, took someone's doll/book, etc. She will also say in her teacher voice (lol) "he's learning" so I know it's a regular thing in that the teachers have to constantly intervene and address the aggressive behavior. I don't want her labeling him as a "bad guy" though (which she has mentioned), so I just go along with yeah, he's learning to control his body sort of thing, and you can play with him but if you don't feel comfortable/safe then it's fine to walk away and/or say NO. </p> <p>As far as the mom not mentioning it--- Maybe she doesn't know the specifics of the situation, or maybe she is trying to uphold the "anonymous" factor? Maybe she is too ashamed? DD was once bitten by a good friend at school and though I think the other kid's mom knew, and we were on regular speaking terms, we both just quietly let it pass.. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382034 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 15:56:18 +0000 pinkcupcake 2382034@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I relate to so much in your post.</p> <p>We struggled a ton with this last year. She was 2.5 and attending a 2s/young 3s class 2x a week. 1 teacher, 2 parent helpers (this was a Co-Op preschool) for 10 kids.</p> <p>There was one boy who was SO AGGRESSIVE. About a month after school started, he smacked my daughter on the face because she wouldn't hand over a toy, hard enough to leave a mark. Teacher said she intervened and tried to talk to him about using words instead of hitting, but this kid wasn't very verbal and I think that was part of the problem. I won't lie - I was pissed. His parents knew what happened and even though I saw them frequently, they never once mentioned it or apologized. </p> <p>He was really aggressive with all other kids too - hitting, throwing, punching, biting, you name it. In the end, the teacher had to shadow him constantly to make sure the other kids were safe. It wasn't fair to the other kids who didn't get much attention from the teacher, but it was the best option since it was the only way to really keep the kids safe.</p> <p>I don't have a solution for you, I'm sorry. I just know how much anxiety it caused me. Maybe you can talk to your school about having someone shadow him more, especially if it's a situation where it's likely to cause some aggression (for example, this particular child's trigger was cars so whenever there were cars in play, the teacher would have to pay even more attention to him). </p> <p>I swear this experience scarred my daughter because now she refuses to play with any boys because "they're too rough and scary" :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382030 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 15:55:32 +0000 mrbee 2382030@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@serenity207: I don't think that's unrealistic at all!!</p> <p>There were a number of biting incidents at my kids' daycare, and we found that our daycare didn't really have strong policies and procedures for handling aggressive children! I asked around, and apparently a lot of programs don't have policies in place either. We did find that the staff there was most open to discussing things if we focused the discussion on the policies in general, rather than on any particular biting incident.</p> <p>Does your son's preschool have any written or even unofficial policies or procedures around how they handle aggressive kids? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-we-being-unrealistic-when-do-you-step-in#post-2382016 Tue, 08 Dec 2015 15:39:21 +0000 serenity207 2382016@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>The background: My son is 2.5 and started attending preschool for just a few hours a week this year. He seems to enjoy it and is disappointed on the mornings when he doesn't have school. There are 7 kids in his class and two teachers, as well as 1-2 high school students that come in to help. That's a pretty great student:teacher ratio in my book! However, several of the other boys in his class seem to be pretty rough and grabbing, pushing, throwing, etc. seems to be a pretty regular occurrence. A couple of months ago, my son was pushed pretty hard by one of the other children (so the teacher says). I thanked them for letting me know, but told them I understand these things happen so it was okay since it was the first time. Yesterday, they said that "he got his feelings hurt" by some of the boys. They couldn't tell me who it was and it turns out it wasn't just that his feelings were hurt but that he was pushed again to the ground and was "covered head to toe in leaves". </p> <p>Okay. So. I know pushing, wrestling, etc. is not uncommon behavior for kids this age. However, after coming home and thinking about it, I'm starting to raise my red flag. With a student-teacher ratio that small, is it that hard to keep an extra eye on the kids that you think might be a little rough just so you can intervene if necessary? </p> <p>There is one child in particular (he happens to be the child who pushed my son the first time around) who is often pretty aggressive in behavior. I empathize with the parents because I know I would be stressed if my son was being so aggressive to others. On the other hand though, I see the mother at pick up all the time and she never mentioned anything about the incident - a simple "hey, is your son ok? I'm sorry to hear A was being a little aggressive with him. We're working on that." would have been nice.</p> <p>Anyway, as much as I'm venting here, I wasn't actually too upset or worked up about it until I talked to my husband. His reaction surprised me because he was really upset that this happened again. We understand the kids are really young, so at this point he's just upset that the teachers aren't doing a better job monitoring the kids and keeping a careful eye on the aggressive one. My friend's daughter is in the class too and my friend says she shares daily stories of how the other boys throw, push, etc. and that's why she only wants to play with the other girl in the class and my son.</p> <p>So, if you made it this far, props to you! And, if so, what do you think?? Are we expecting too much that we want to know our kids are safe while away from us, even if the kids showing this behavior are so young? Again, I'm not expecting perfect behavior from kids at this age but at what point do I say hey, we need to do something about this? I'm thinking as of now of talking to the teachers and asking them to keep a closer eye on the kids and that if this happens again we'll want to make a plan on what to do about it. What do you think?</p> <p>::End epic, rambling post:: </p>