https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 04 May 2026 23:01:23 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team/page/2#post-434426 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 11:10:29 +0000 MrsTiz 434426@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: What a great article, I'm just having time now to catch up on everyone's replies, but how interesting. I think i'll be LRS'ing DH tonight haha! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team/page/2#post-434397 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 11:02:17 +0000 JessicaMcB 434397@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: My "team" is exactly the same as yours plus I have to schedule all of his appointments for him, maintain the connections with his family and do all the child-rearing. I hear you on the frustration, it gets hard not to smother them while they sleep sometimes (kidding! lol).</p> <p>Then again I just let it go because I knew who my husband was and what he was going to contribute when I married him and I love him for what he is. Plus, the man can't clean a floor worth a damn ;) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team/page/2#post-434394 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 11:00:51 +0000 prettylizy 434394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have our own sort of team dynamic going on right now. I've been on mat leave for 9 months (3 more to go) and so I've taken over 90% of the domestic duties in the house. DH works very had (especially this year while I'm off) and has made our living situation very comfortable. He does the 'man' jobs on the weekend though- car maintenance, yard maintenance, handy work etc. and usually cleans up after dinner. He also helps on weekends with cooking. When I go back to work there is going to be a major shift in our workloads though... he needs to pick up more slack when I'm working full time again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434389 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 11:00:00 +0000 SugarplumsMom 434389@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aww! You definitely have reason to be stressed-out, I really hope your DH realizes and steps it up a whole lot more. As for your comment about the laundry, I get you! DH never puts the laundry away. He will have them sit in bags downstairs for weeks and live off them instead of putting his clothes away! I know because I've tested it!</p> <p>As for the dishes, I lost it a few weeks ago because he also never puts dishes away on his own! I've had numerous talks with him about keeping at least one side of the sink free of dishes (which he lets ferment) but he never does it. I told him that if he EVER wants me to cook for him again, he better clear the sink and clear away some counter space! </p> <p>Right now, my job is to take care of LO (5 mo) and it really is a full-time job! There's no reason why I'd have to clean before cooking if I have a perfectly able man to help! /rant ;D </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434362 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 10:51:24 +0000 rachiecakes 434362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: (((hugs))) you sound like superwoman to me, mama! we both work full time but DH is a WAHM. In the end we both probably get equal time taking care of DS, but my house is a friggin mess, my hair/nails/face/wardrobe I feel like is hot mess (just not as put-together as I used to be, but still it bothers me to no end). I feel like I never have time to organize the house. Ugh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434296 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 10:33:59 +0000 yellowbird 434296@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are becoming more of a team now that LO is in daycare. We both get her ready in the mornings. Then at night hell take her while I make dinner. After she goes to sleep we do chores from 8-9 and then it's relaxing time! It was worse when one of us was staying home because we both felt like we needed a break and would ever get any chores done. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434290 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 10:31:58 +0000 brownie 434290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, no. He does a lot around the house but we aren't a team. Mostly because he will NOT communicate. Take last night: we have a friends kid and I had signed up for a gym. So he decided it was more important to do dishes than let me go to the gym. Unilaterally. So frustrating because I do so much. This week I've done all the cooking (breakfast lunch and dinner for the kids), all drop offs and pickups (two different preschools), and much of the child caring. Plus all the extra laundry from her accidents at school. </p> <p>It isn't that he doesn't do things, he does the wrong things at the wrong time because he isn't communicating his desires and won't listen to mine (I told him no less than 3 times I wanted to hit the gym). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434219 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 10:08:15 +0000 edelweiss 434219@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i consider us to be a "team", but that doesn't mean that we're 50/50. i don't think any couple is ever 50/50. i mean "team" in the sense where we've generally accepted each other's responsibilities, strengths and weaknesses. it took a long time to get to this place and it doesn't always go smoothly.</p> <p>i do all the meal planning and cooking, 99% of loading/unloading the dishwasher, making sure the home is stocked with necessities, tidying up and putting things away, and a good portion of the laundry.</p> <p>he does some of the laundry, takes out the trash and recycling, and takes the dogs out 3x/day for their walks. i consider the dog responsibility to be huge.</p> <p>our bills are on autopay and we have a cleaning service every other week. the last part is critical, because i like things a lot cleaner than he does. while i don't want to be picking up after him all the time, i'm learning to accept that there are some things i am willing to do, without resentment, if i want them a certain way. i know a cleaning service is a splurge for a lot of people, but it is so worth it not to be fighting about and resenting the same things day in and day out.</p> <p>like @honeybear:, i've also learned to let go of a lot of things. if he leaves his dresser drawers all hanging out in disarray, i let it go. i don't match his socks when i fold laundry--he can do it himself. </p> <p>also, in general, i think i've just let go more of this vision i had of a "perfect" looking home. no one's coming to do a photo shoot.</p> <p>it's definitely not an easy or short process figuring out household responsibilities, and i completely empathize with you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434197 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 09:59:47 +0000 Lozza 434197@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: Oh, I'm definitely not trying to excuse it. It's not like you have some kind of magical cleaning superpower that he can't access and therefore you should get stuck with it all. You're sucking it up and being a grownup, and your husband should have to do so as well. I'm just saying this may be a reason that many of us with spouses who've lived on their own for a while reported a more equal distribution of labor. After all, it's hard to get a date as a 30 year old man if you can't figure out your laundry and your dishes :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434193 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 09:57:10 +0000 autumnlove 434193@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are definitely a team now...there was definitely an adjustment period when we first started living together! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-434185 Thu, 06 Dec 2012 09:50:59 +0000 MrsTiz 434185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Lozza: I agree, it has a LOT to do with neither of us having lived alone before each other. We both come from families with mothers who did all of the housework for us, DH never even had to sort his own laundry, and it was the same at my house. So, on one hand I know it's kind of a culture shock to him, the idea that he has to do chores, but on the other..it is for me, too. </p> <p>@honeybear: Those are great ideas! I completely forgot about audio books, thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433331 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:48:26 +0000 banana 433331@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're definitely a team. It helps that he's a neat freak though. We tag team and assign chores/bills too. He's in charge of certain bills, and I'm in charge of certain bills. He always does the laundry and I always do the dishes. But if one of us is unavailable, we'll do the other person's chore. I usually do most of the grocery shopping though cause he's clueless at the supermarket. He cleans the bathrooms (cause I hate cleaning toilets) and I always tidy up the kitchen. </p> <p>In terms of taking care of the LOs, he's my son's main caretaker while I take care of my DD. It worked out because my son prefers his dad anyway.</p> <p>What helped us was divvying up our responsibilities and holding each other accountable. There were times in the beginning of our marriage where I felt that it was very lopsided and that I was doing most of the work. We both work full time and I just felt like it wasn't fair. I had a talk with him and he understood where I was coming from. There are still times when he gets lazy but if I remind him, he usually gets his chores done. I also give him ALOT of free time to do his own things so he doesn't complain. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433322 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:43:27 +0000 Rubies 433322@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are definitely a team. We wouldn't be able to function if we didn't help each other out. We split certain chores and share others as well. Some days I'm too exhausted to clean the kitchen after dinner so my husband will do it. Of, we'll just leave it until the next morning and he'll do it while I feed LO. Give and take. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433313 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:39:35 +0000 chrispygal 433313@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're a team, but it doesn't mean we don't still argue about stuff. We have a division of duties. He does outside work/trash/recycling and I have laundry/grocery shopping, and most of the cooking. We both kind of tackle dishes and picking up and we (thankfully) have a cleaning lady that comes every other week to do heavy cleaning. With LO, in the beginning I took on most of the extra duties and he really expected it becuase I was home on maternity leave. That bugged me. Now that I'm back at work, he does help a lot with her but I still tend to do a bit more. I work more hours that DH and we make equal salaries. </p> <p>The thing I do with the laundry is I will fold it, but not put it away. I leave the piles on his dresser and he can take care of that. I laid down that law early on! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433289 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:30:27 +0000 honeybear 433289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: I may be closer to your situation than some of the others, because I do the bulk of the household work and childcare and we definitely do not have an "even split" of those duties. I view the house as being under my principal management. My husband takes out the trash, gets the mail, and makes coffee. Otherwise, I do the housework, other household management (like bills), and cooking. </p> <p>My chief suggestion is to stop doing stuff that doesn't really need to be done. For example, I don't fold a lot of the laundry that I used to. Why do socks need to be matched before being put away? (Now they go into some small baskets--sorted by color--in the closet. Ditto for underwear--it all goes into a basket, unfolded.) Folding most things takes too long, so I bought more hangers, because hanging stuff up takes less time. Also, at least once a week we eat leftovers for dinner and another night we get a pizza. I like to cook, but I do look forward to pizza night! ;) </p> <p>Also, I figured out how to occupy my brain with thoughts other than resentment one night when my husband was reading a book after dinner while I washed the dishes, and I realized that I could be doing the same thing. I got some audiobooks from the library and now I listen while I'm cleaning up. We watch my favorite show regularly and I make sure I have a basket of clean clothes that I can fold/hang while watching (otherwise, I listen to an audiobook while hanging stuff up). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433258 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:14:36 +0000 Lozza 433258@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: What a goof. :)</p> <p>You mentioned that you thought more people would have this problem, and I think plenty do, but I also wonder if it may be somewhat correlated with age- or more accurately, having lived alone before? I know you and your husband are younger than many other bee couples, so wasn't sure if your husband had ever lived on his own before? My husband moved into an apartment his junior year of undergrad, and lived on his own or with roommates (but not the kind that were going to do any of his chores for him!) for 6 years before we moved in together, so by the time we were living together, he was used to doing his own laundry, cooking for himself (and others, since he found that he liked hosting dinner parties) and cleaning up after himself in the kitchen, cleaning his bathroom, managing his (limited grad student) budget and other paperwork, taking care of his dog on his own, etc. I think it would have been much more of an adjustment for us if he hadn't been so accustomed to being on his own and having to do everything himself for several years. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433251 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:09:45 +0000 mrbee 433251@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: This article has some useful tips on how to get your partner to change!</p> <p><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=all" rel="nofollow">http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?pagewanted=all</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433249 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:08:29 +0000 tororojo 433249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsTiz: I think this goes back to Mr Bee's "cleanliness threshold"...I think that's what he called it. I totally am not bothered by dishes in the sink and pretty much only load the dishwasher when we run out of bowls! If I need a pan, I just wash it by hand. :) Maybe that's part of the problem--he just doesn't notice/mind when things get messy as quickly as you do? I'm sure there are other factors at play, though. </p> <p>*For the record, we always rinse dishes after eating so even with a sink full they're not caked with food or anything--that would gross me out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433244 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:02:24 +0000 Maysprout 433244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're a team but it's been a process for us. We've been together about 8 years now. We both had to learn to communicate while knowing that we're on each others side - I remember one time saying to him 'if you don't want me to yell then you have to listen to my concerns when I'm not to that point' because he just didn't take it as seriously when we'd have a relaxed conversation. Now he knows how I tick and I know how he ticks and he's been great about seeing me get stressed and really stepping up to help out more on the frazzled baby days. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433240 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 14:00:30 +0000 MrsTiz 433240@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Lozza: If I stop doing his laundry he won't wear clean clothes lol! He would re-wear everything. He literally doesn't even know how to start our washing machine. I tried that with dishes, because I *assumed* that when we first moved in together, that I would cook and he would do the dishes afterwards. He never did the dishes, so I just kept on cooking and letting them pile up, and if I needed a certain pot for dinner and it was dirty I didn't cook that. Or anything. He never did do the dishes, he let them pile up and fill both sinks and onto the counter before I got so pissed and washed them myself. He can hold a grudge like no one i've ever met. I told my MIL that he never does dishes, so he went on strike and REFUSED to do them. So, it backfired for me :( haha! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433226 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 13:52:23 +0000 MrsTiz 433226@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, wow. I figured more people would have this problem lol! </p> <p>I think what i'm going to do is write up a list of all the chores that need to be done at home and be specific. Rather than "Laundry" I have "Laundry:<br /> -Sort loads<br /> -Wash/ Dry<br /> -Fold/Put away"</p> <p>and when we get home i'm going to show him the list and let him see that when I say I have to do laundry, it's a process..as is everything else. Maybe then we can assign chores, and i'll put his on the fridge or something so he has no excuse? :P I want to talk to him about it, but I know that this conversation is a huuugee fight-starter for us. He gets defensive and I get mad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433126 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:59:09 +0000 Freckles 433126@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We work as a team. We both check in on our finances, but i take after the overall budget and he makes sure there is money in our account. I am on mat leave, so for now i do a bulk of the house chores and cooking but he will look after the garbage, recycling, shoveling, yard work, and vacuum when i need him to. He will also look after the weekend grocery shopping and dinners. I designated bath time to DH, during which time i will do the dishes. i felt that it was important that he still do some chores while i am on mat leave because i didnt want him to assume things would be the same when i go back to work. </p> <p>Have you thought about automating your bills? All of our bills get withdrawn from our account automatically so we never have to worry about overdue bills. I would probably have a heart-to-heart when i am not feeling emotional, and talk about the best way to split the housework while acknowledging each other's schedules. DH works longer hours, and hates certain chores so i was willing to compromise. In the beginning after we moved into our new house (before pregnancy and baby) DH said he would rather have a list of what i wanted him to do for the week, and i wouldnt nag him as long as it was done by the weekend. In the end, becoming a team doesnt come naturally and it really happens over some sort of discussion...and if things start to fall apart you talk again. It isnt fair to yourself or your DH to stew and be miserable about your current state. :( </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433119 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:56:30 +0000 sarac 433119@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are, but it's been hard fought. I much prefer our division of labor now that I'm a stay at home mom. When I was in school and he was working, I did most of the housework, which infuriated me. I actually prefer having most of it be my job. Now we split it up in a way that feels fair to both of us, in general. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433113 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:53:06 +0000 ladyfingers 433113@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Have you sat down and talked with him about it? That's usually the first step. He may not even realize how lopsided it is for you.</p> <p>As for us, we have a pretty good team. One thing that is a little frustrating is ever since we combined finances into one account and one budget, he never ever looks at the bank account or the budget. So I feel like if we end up having a tight month and need to watch it, I have to tell him and then I feel like a babysitter telling my husband not to spend any money. So I wish he would take a little more responsibility with keeping himself informed about our household finances. I have talked to him about it a few times, but he just doesn't. So I guess I'm in charge of money ;)</p> <p>Otherwise, since I've been pregnant, DH has taken on pretty much everything while I cook the baby ;) He now walks the dog, takes out the trash, does dishes after dinner, does the laundry (I sort and fold, he carries it down and does the loads), cleans the bathrooms (when I ask), and handles the dishwasher. It's a pretty sweet gig for me... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433104 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:49:28 +0000 Mrsbells 433104@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I work full time and in the beginning I was doing everything when the baby arrived, but now its much better, we talked about it and we do things more as a team. We have kind split up the chores more evenly </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433099 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:47:23 +0000 Meridian 433099@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, that's tough, I'm sorry to hear that!! </p> <p>We are a team for sure... even though he works the "stable" 40+ hour a week job, but I am self-employed and have a much more flexible schedule. He still helps out with the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dog walking... I honestly don't know how we would manage if he didn't do his part! (The house would be a hot mess) There is nothing that I am solely "in-charge" of, that he doesn't also do on occasion. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433073 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:37:17 +0000 tororojo 433073@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We're a pretty good team- usually if one of us loads the dishwasher, the other will work as well (picking up laundry/tidying living room/etc). DH isn't much of a multi-tasker and sometimes he'll stand in the kitchen while I finish making a meal, but if I ask him to get drinks/set the table/etc, he'll get right on it. He usually takes care of paying bills and handling insurance stuff because I don't want to. Right now we work the same hours, make about the same and do about the same amount of chores, but I'm planning to quit when LO is born so I guess household responsibilities will probably change some as well. I don't plan on doing ALL the chores, though and I figure we'll just see what happens! DH is a much neater person than me, so I suspect he'll always help with housework. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433041 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:20:18 +0000 Mrs. Pickle 433041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We are a team now. It took a year or so of living together and several fights to work everything out, but now it's great! Communication is really what helped us reach this point. We talked about out expectations for each other until we found a nice balance. We do still get annoyed with each other though. I get annoyed when he takes too long to clean the litter box and he hates that I never bother to replace the toilet paper roll. Also just because we have separate chores doesn't mean we never help each other. Sometimes he asks me to weed eat while he mows the yard and sometimes I need help doing the dishes. I try to tell him that I appreciate how hard he works for our family and he tells me the same thing. He praises me every night for the dinner I cook (even if its crap) and I love hearing that. It keeps me motivated. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433035 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:17:24 +0000 annie624 433035@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do tag-team many things in life... But I feel that overall it is lop-sided. We work the same hours as well. I do pretty much all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry (when I start to complain about it, he says, "I WANT to help, you just need to ask!"... he's an OK cook, but is not good at laundry or cleaning so it's just easier to do it myself!). However, he does make more money than I do, and takes care of the yard and landscaping. He also gets up early every morning to take care of the dog so I can sleep a little later. Sigh! I grew up in a home with a SAHM so I really expected to do most of the household stuff! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/are-you-and-your-dh-a-team#post-433031 Wed, 05 Dec 2012 12:16:00 +0000 Lozza 433031@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Are there any chores that you can cut back on, and if he wants them done he'll have to do them himself? (Like laundry- maybe stop doing his, and if he wants clean clothes, he can wash them himself? Or cooking- just stop making real dinners, and if he wants to have nice dinners again he can either make them, or he can do other chores so that you have time to make dinner?)<br /> I'm actually the less helpful one in my relationship, though I do feel like we're a pretty good team. We're both a little less resentful if we set aside times when we're both working on stuff- i.e. if he's making dinner for company and I'm cleaning up the downstairs for the same 30 minutes, and then one of us cleans up after dinner while the other puts the baby to bed, and then we're all done and we watch TV together or something. </p>