https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 20 Jul 2026 07:06:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2286097 Tue, 08 Sep 2015 19:53:49 +0000 youboots 2286097@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: this was really brave/awesome to share. What a rad husband. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2285950 Tue, 08 Sep 2015 16:27:55 +0000 gingerbebe 2285950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think partner/community support against this kind of martyrdom is so, so important. Its not easy to self-police the martyrdom and I know I couldn't have survived without my husband kicking my butt about it. </p> <p>My husband and I agreed to before we had kids that we would put our marriage before our children because ultimately it would make us better parents and human beings. Practically, taking care of our marriage meant we were taking care of each other's needs and prioritizing time and money and energy to ensure that the other was healthy and sane.</p> <p>After we had our son I had a terrible time (rough labor, jaundice/NICU, colic, reflux, PPD/PPA) and I was home alone with the baby while my husband was working his tail off to support us. I didn't sleep because my son was either screaming or I was pumping/breastfeeding around the clock because I had very late and low supply. Pumping made me nauseous, so I never ate since I was pumping all the time and I lost a scary amount of weight.</p> <p>My husband didn't know what was normal and what wasn't for the first few weeks, but after listening to everything our pediatrician said, he really made it his job to stay on top of me and kept reminding me that if I wasn't well, our marriage wasn't well, and that I was ultimately doing a disservice to everyone in the family. He made sure to reiterate that ANYTHING that would make my life easier was the priority in terms of our household resources. He took over baby care where he could, he pushed me to get treatment for my PPD/PPA, told me to hire help and get whatever gizmos and products I needed to get through that season of our life.</p> <p>I'll never forget the night DH asked me to start supplementing with a single bottle of formula at bedtime so I could go to bed and get a stretch of sleep. I was a sleep-deprived, emotionally unstable MESS at the time. I went on and on about how it might affect my already low supply and all the other EBF talking points. DH listened to my crazy lady rant and then gently said "all that stuff about breastfeeding may all be true, but what if a bottle of formula is better for our marriage?" It was like a bell went off in my head. We went out and bought formula that night and I went to bed. </p> <p>A similar discussion has happened at every developmental stage for DS. Sleep training, childcare, working - all of those decisions were based on what helps preserve our well-being as individuals and as a couple. Whenever I try to take on something, or go without something because "I can just do it myself" he always crinkles his face and asks me if I REALLY think its a good idea. And then it reminds me that if I take on too much, a frazzled/tired/sick/mean/screechy/stressed out mama/wife is what my family is going to remember over the thing itself. </p> <p>I'm actually going through an exercise right now to try and prioritize what activities and things are essential and beneficial to my life in order to continue this habit. We are going to be TTC our second baby, so I really want to make sure these habits are ingrained better before another baby joins the family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2285868 Tue, 08 Sep 2015 15:17:20 +0000 MrsMccarthy 2285868@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: reading this was so important!!! </p> <p>Sometimes I go martyr and I am trying really hard not to. My husband is a bit of a child so it can be hard. He is the type that when I tell him I am getting sick he worries about how it will affect him! As a result sometimes I let my own health fall but I really need to stop that! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2285859 Tue, 08 Sep 2015 15:13:30 +0000 ms.line 2285859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: @Mrs. Carrot: Thank you both. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2285856 Tue, 08 Sep 2015 15:09:10 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2285856@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: Your comment really hit home for me for a variety of reasons. Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284710 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 23:12:36 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2284710@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It is for this reason that I chose to go back to work part time and train for my first marathon during my son's first year of life. He'll turn 11 months old the day after the race. Training for a marathon is a LOT of time running....which translates to a lot of time I've had to carve out for "myself," which is hard to do as a mom-especially a mom that's still nursing! It's my goal for ME, and I don't feel selfish in taking the time because it makes me a better person, which makes me a better mother. It's also meant my husband needs to step in and be hands-on with childcare during the weekend, which has helped him bond with our son. I have zero regrets about choosing to do this, and encourage every other mother to find something she's passionate about outside of her child/children. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284701 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 22:46:31 +0000 Mrs.KMM 2284701@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: agreed. It goes both ways- sometimes family is first and sometimes you are first and that's normal and okay. You just have to make sure there is a balance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284659 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 20:47:41 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 2284659@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: lately I've been beating myself up for not being able to get up before my kids...so I'm glad you said that. I just can not wake up that early, especially since sleep is still interrupted. I'm glad I'm not that only one! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284650 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 20:28:39 +0000 catomd00 2284650@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: agree with everything you said. This article didn't resonate with me at all and gets a big eyeroll . I'm busy as hell and always put my family first, but I still find time for a shower. It's not about selfishness or me-time, it's about prioritizing hygiene. I think a lot of the pressure she feels is externally put on moms is actually coming from within. Personally, I'm not going to stay up till 3 am to make sure the last piece of laundry is folded and I'm not beating myself up over it, nor have I ever felt pressure from anyone that if I didn't I wasn't a good mother or wife. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284649 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 20:27:08 +0000 Mae 2284649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: lol seriously. I've never been so much of a martyr that I'm up until 3:30 for any reason other than a screaming kid. </p> <p>Edited to delete my comment because I basically agree with everything @Rockies11: said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284644 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 20:14:29 +0000 Greentea 2284644@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hm. Not sure. I mean, crappy exhausted times when you have to push through are part of parenthood, sure, and life really... not sure there is anything wrong about that, it kind of is what it is, not sure moms should be looked down on for it, or dads, or anyone... gotta do what you gotta do and what works for you, whether that be pulling an occasional all nighter or getting a much needed break or a shower or whatever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284579 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 16:12:00 +0000 Cherrybee 2284579@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: You articulated that much better than I could! And the way she refers to her husband's snoring as a sweet sound?? Yuk! I want to smother my husband when he snores when I can't sleep for whatever reason! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284577 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 16:01:51 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2284577@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rockies11: I love your second paragraph!! I agreed with her main idea but I wish she went into that stuff.. Some advice would have been nice after all the work up to it! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284563 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 15:15:09 +0000 blackbird 2284563@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: haha I had the same thought! 3:30AM? No.</p> <p>It's not like this is an all or nothing thing. Sometimes you put yourself first. Sometimes you put others first. But you find some balance </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284558 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 15:06:31 +0000 Rockies11 2284558@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I agree! It's a bit much to be like my house is clean and alll the tasks are complete, here I am slaving away at work at 3:30am, everyone is sleeping, and I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWERED. To me it reads like "I am the martyriest of all the mommy martyrs, and I am damn successful at it, but gee whiz, I should put myself first sometimes". No. Just no. If you have a deadline, don't do the laundry, get take out, and bang that shit out by 10 pm. There's nothing in this article about how to create balance, which is what we should actually be striving for. There's nothing even in there about what she's actually planning on doing to stop being a martyr. Just some stuff about how we're too martyr-y these days. I just feel like this article is another black hole of a whose the best mommy martyr conversation, which is unfortunate, because the issue of how to take care of yourself so you can take care of others is an important one.</p> <p>As well, I feel like the idea of mommy martyrdom isn't just being busy, or attending all of our kids' stuff or keeping the house clean, it's the attitude of viewing yourself as a self-sacrifing victim mom. I find parenting very young children and managing a house and being a good employee as hard as the next guy, but if I start doing a single thing that makes me feel like a victim, I set it down again and back away from it immediately. Somedays, you just have to do the bare minimum when you have other priorities. If she had written that article, I would maybe buy the idea that she believes in something other than advertising how she's a great mommy martyr. </p> <p>And no offence to the subject matter, which I agree is important. I don't think that moms take their mental and physical health nearly seriously enough, and it's the cornerstone of successful family life, in my view. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284546 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 14:39:22 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2284546@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: lol those are good points. I was just assuming she's a night owl... I have been doing school not work lately but I don't work on anything at 330am either! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284532 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 14:08:00 +0000 Cherrybee 2284532@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I liked the message the article was trying to convey but I didn't like the example given.... She was working at 3.30am while everyone else slept and *that's* the bit where she thought she might be putting herself last??! I'd like to hear more normal parents talking about their need for me-time. I'm tired of people telling me I should get up an hour earlier in order to have a cup of coffee in peace - I need sleep AND space.... and a cup of coffee just doesn't cut it for me-time, thank you! This writer makes me feel downright guilty for feeling frazzled when I'm not up working at 3am... ever..... because, who does that?!! :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284507 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 12:54:42 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2284507@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's hard to do as a SAHM because I am the primary caretaker. But where I have really struggled is also taking care of DH- trying to make his life easier, letting him sleep in because he worked a lot, etc. And there's still this notion for a lot of people that SAHMs *should* do all the household tasks and also be all about the kid(s) or they're being lazy. But that means as a SAHM your life is always about your family and for me that has made me unhappy so I'll be working shortly after this baby is born. For me the solution is finish my classes and go back to work (the months I have worked post baby I've seen work as something of a break honestly!) but I am honestly not sure what I would do if I were going to stay at home with lo2. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284498 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 12:28:37 +0000 Tanjowen 2284498@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@youboots: Very good article. I'm bad (good?) about putting my child's needs first, but I'm slowly learning to take me time. I put him in a mom's morning out program this past week and it was heaven having a morning alone!</p> <p>I see my in-laws, and my MIL spent her life being a martyr mom. Once their children were gone, she fell apart physically and socially, and their marriage is more 2 roommates tolerating each other. It's a history I don't want us to repeat. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284488 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 11:33:08 +0000 youboots 2284488@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ms.line: thank you so much for sharing. I never considered such far reaching implementations for putting everyone else first. I am so so sorry for you loss. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284486 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 11:30:20 +0000 ms.line 2284486@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think this is dead-on. My mom was a total martyr - so concerned with being a good employee and a good wife and a good daughter while making sure that my brother and I had packed lunches and homemade dinner every day and handmade Halloween costumes and her presence at every single game/performance/school event. She was mostly a great mom, but she always put her own needs last, and I think that modeled some pretty shitty behavior for me that I've struggled to correct. And then, at 58, she ignored the earliest symptoms of her cancer (it was "easier" and "more convenient" for her to just wait until her scheduled ob/gyn visit that was months away to bring up her issues with a doctor) and she was dead within a year. I often think that if she would have prioritized her own health and wellbeing even SOMETIMES, she would still be here for the birth of her first grandchild. :crying: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284483 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 11:23:59 +0000 blackbird 2284483@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Loved this. Sometimes my kid comes first, but I still gotta take care of myself as much as I can </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/article-im-a-mom-not-a-martyr#post-2284478 Sun, 06 Sep 2015 11:14:04 +0000 youboots 2284478@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>When I read Bringing Up Bebe some of the authors thoughts about American motherhood really resonated with me and this article hits on a few points that really bring home some of those concepts. Thoughts on the article? Do you put your family first ahead of your own needs?</p> <p><a href="http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/im-a-mom-not-a-martyr" rel="nofollow">http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/im-a-mom-not-a-martyr</a> </p>