https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 21 May 2026 16:53:42 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2712094 Fri, 17 Mar 2017 13:57:30 +0000 SugarMaple 2712094@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think sending a card and flowers would be nice. It's just too hard to know how attending will effect others (or yourself). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2712033 Fri, 17 Mar 2017 12:38:43 +0000 PeaceLily 2712033@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think that's a nice idea to send a card and make a donation. You're very considerate and thoughtful for speaking with your friend about whether or not it would be best for you to attend. </p> <p>I lost my baby 4 months ago when I was 19 weeks pregnant. I had a termination after finding out the baby had a chromosome abnormality. We haven't had much support from friends or family. Everyone said sorry and then went back to acting like nothing ever happened. Due to this and the fact that I know I'm judged by some people since we had a termination and not a miscarriage, I've had to bounce back and act like everything is fine for months now, but in all honestly it kills me to see pregnant women. I would assume that anyone who lost a baby after birth would feel the same way and would be very sensitive towards pregnant women and babies at a time like this. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711857 Fri, 17 Mar 2017 07:10:10 +0000 LulaBee 2711857@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son was stillborn at 23 weeks and it tore me up inside to see a pregnant woman for a long time after. I would skip the service and offer support to your friend afterwards. It would be one thing if it were your friend who experienced the loss, but as it's someone you're not close to, I say skip. There are always so many people at funerals- she will be busy talking to everyone- you can offer solace and support in the days/weeks/months/years that follow. I would also send a card and a small gift to the family. My best friend makes a donation in my son's name to the March of Dimes every year, and it means so much that she hasn't forgotten about him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711853 Fri, 17 Mar 2017 06:55:21 +0000 SugarplumsMom 2711853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would politely decline and send over flowers instead. Everyone deals with death in their own way and it's impossible to know how they (which includes everyone in their family) would feel to see someone heavily pregnant attend. You also have to consider how going would affect you emotionally. Hormones are no joke! Look out for your own well-being right now. People will understand :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711841 Fri, 17 Mar 2017 04:22:22 +0000 LAZB 2711841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have unfortunately been on both sides of this. I lost my son when he was almost six weeks old, and I had several very pregnant friends, and I was very glad they all came to support us at his funeral. I didn't even "invite" anyone, I was too sad, but it was wonderful to see how many people came to show they loved him and supported us.<br /> A few months ago I attended a funeral for our friends' daughter who was almost 8 weeks when she passed. I was literally in early labor and had our son the next day, but I know they were so happy we came. It was incredibly difficult, but I'm glad I was able to go. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711709 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 19:21:05 +0000 winniebee 2711709@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MOMTOLITTLEB: so glad that your friend was honest with you. Doing as you suggested is a wonderful idea. You are a good friend! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711679 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 18:17:26 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2711679@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I took the good advice to just ask my friend and she was very appreciative but honest and told me she thought seeing a pregnant woman would not be good for her sister. She opened up a little more about what's going on and I'll continue to listen whenever she needs it. I plan to send a card and make a donation to the NICU where he was cared for. I really appreciate being able to be open here and get kind but honest advice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711643 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 17:10:35 +0000 MaryM 2711643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PinkElephant: I just saw your ETA. I didn't think at all that you were suggesting saying this to the grieving parents...but just to play it safe, wanted to suggest that we (loss parents) sometimes overhear things that we know aren't said maliciously, but that can be really hard to reconcile and deal with. </p> <p>(not aimed at you, but in general...)</p> <p>They're in a better place </p> <p>God needed an angel (Theologically, humans and angels are very different...and my God can create an angel if he needs one...he doesn't kill babies to make it happen. In Christianity, dead people who go to heaven become Saints. Not angels.)</p> <p>Any statements about God's intention in general (because there's no way you, a mortal, know how God is acting or why...and because most Christians don't believe God is in charge of death) including "God never gives you more than you can handle"</p> <p>At least they know they can get pregnant (or any statement starting with "at least"...at least you had X months with him/her, at least you didn't get too attached)</p> <p>They can always have another baby (no baby will ever replace this one)</p> <p>And any and all comments about anyone else's living babies...in or out of the womb. </p> <p>Overall, I think it would be more safe to avoid Aunt Mildred all together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711642 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 17:04:45 +0000 caterw 2711642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think you should make VERY sure that your attendance will not upset the parents. A lovely condolence note/ gift to the family, with a lot of support towards your friend before and after might be the way to go. If you aren't super close to the mom, her seeing you pregnant at her own child's funeral may be too upsetting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711639 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 16:56:51 +0000 Greentea 2711639@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My friend lost twins and I was very pregnant. I went for her, not for me. She invited me and she is my friend. I felt a little awkward but did it for her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711634 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 16:50:03 +0000 littlecasita1122 2711634@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My daughter was stillborn at 23 weeks and I can honestly say it would be a trigger to see a pregnant woman at our services. Your friend will have the support she needs that day and the week after from her family - be there for her later in the month and weeks following when everyone disappears or assumes you're done grieving. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711414 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 12:15:58 +0000 PinkElephant 2711414@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: thanks for being honest, and sorry for your loss. </p> <p>Having just illustrated myself how easy it is to offend someone when it's not your intent.....perhaps your best bet is to offer to support your friend AFTER the funeral. Maybe you could pick her up and spend some time together then, and send your condolences to her sister.</p> <p>ETA: FWIW, just so everyone doesn't think I was being an insensitive jerk....my suggestion of having a stock response of some sort was more in terms of what to say to Great Aunt Mildred who might feel the need to comment on the OP's bump. Not AT ALL that the OP should approach the grieving parents/grandparents/etc. in this way. I realize now I wasn't very clear about who I thought she might need to be ready to discuss her pregnancy with. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711403 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 11:49:55 +0000 ChiCalGoBee 2711403@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MOMTOLITTLEB: I was 15 weeks pregnant and attended the funeral of a couple I went to high school with who had a stillborn at 39 weeks. I didn't do a big social media announcement for my pregnancy so they didn't know I was expecting, and think I hid it decently well. It was so hard to go, but I think me being there meant a lot. I'd check with your friend but if she wants you there, try and go. I'm sorry-I know how hard it is :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711394 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 11:35:19 +0000 babypugs 2711394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry for your friend's family. :heart: I think in this situation, I would not go, but would visit your friend one-on-one with flowers and a meal. I'd also send flowers and a heartfelt note to the sister. I think that it would be very hard on her to see your pregnant belly. I agree with @MaryM: that if you do go, wear something that attempts to hide your pregnancy and sit/stand in inconspicuous places. You are very sweet and a good friend to take everything into consideration. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711376 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 11:05:31 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2711376@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: I would definitely keep it much drier if anyone mentions my pregnancy- due next month, no I don't know the sex, it will be my second child, etc. I know I am blessed but this is not the time to mention it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711371 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:59:10 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2711371@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MaryM: I am so sorry that you lost your daughter, thank you for being honest.</p> <p>It's a little awkward because I would mostly be going to support my friend and her mother, and by extension the rest of the family. I've known her sister forever but we're not close and I don't think she or her boyfriend would be especially comforted by my support. I will make sure with my friend that she does not feel it will upset the parents or anyone else. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711370 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:57:37 +0000 MaryM 2711370@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@PinkElephant: "Something like others have said, along the lines of "Yes, I'm so blessed to have had a healthy pregnancy" or appreciating how fragile life is, etc."</p> <p>Actually, I wouldn't suggest this response. It might not be meant this way, but this makes loss parents feel like they're NOT being blessed...that they're not worthy of blessings, or something to that effect. </p> <p>There's often a MAJOR crisis of faith that follows losing a child because people can feel like their blessings are being taken away, so I would try to avoid anything like this. </p> <p>For the OP, if you haven't watched the empathy video from Brene Brown, I highly recommend it. </p> <p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw" rel="nofollow">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711367 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:52:58 +0000 MaryM 2711367@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly? Having been in this situation myself and having a stillborn daughter...</p> <p>Unless you hear otherwise from the family that it would be a huge support to the parents for you to be there, if I were you, I'd do my best to be inconspicuous (stay in the back, maybe just greet your friend and then leave, etc.)</p> <p>My SIL was pregnant with me when our daughter died. Of course I appreciated her and her huge family being there for me, but it KILLED me inside every time I saw her pregnant belly and I knew my leftover pooch was empty. </p> <p>It wasn't HER...it was just the pregnant belly that was a trigger.</p> <p>So I'd do what others have said, and talk to your friend. Make sure she knows of your support. And if you want to be there...be there. But try your best to hide the belly and not be too noticeable to the parents (especially the mother). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711362 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:47:36 +0000 PinkElephant 2711362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Perhaps go with a "stock response" prepared in case someone comments on your pregnant belly and you have to say something back. I can understand that in your shoes, I'd be worried about if my pregnancy would be upsetting/awkward to the family coping with the loss. Something like others have said, along the lines of "Yes, I'm so blessed to have had a healthy pregnancy" or appreciating how fragile life is, etc. Then you're not left stumbling for words that feel appropriate to you if someone puts you on the spot (which wouldn't be nice of them, but I feel like lots of foot-in-mouth situations tend to come up...)</p> <p>You're being a good friend! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711358 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:42:52 +0000 bubblegum 2711358@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Last year a friend of mine lost her son who was 3 months old. Our girlfriend was 8 months pregnant but the friend who lost her son just really wanted her friend there. It was uncomfortable for the pregnant friend but she bit the bullet and went. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711349 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:36:26 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2711349@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone, especially for sharing personal stories. I know my friend would be there for me if I needed her. She doesn't have children herself but she is so good to my son, asks about my niece and nephews, etc, her family is important to me as well. I know they won't care about my big belly, I'm just self-conscious. I will attend the service on Monday and hopefully at some point my friend will be able to talk about it more and I can be there to listen. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711339 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:09:45 +0000 bookwormmama 2711339@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We lost my niece at almost 3 years old this January. I have a son that was born a couple months before her and I am currently pregnant with a girl and due around her birthday. I struggled with figuring out how to deal with my son during the services and her hospital stays. We didn't want to cause any pain, but most people told us it would be healing for them to have my son at the funeral. We had him come for the visitation and then a friend watched him during the actual services. </p> <p>I would have a conversation with her and ask if she would like you to be there. Even though it will be hard for you, it sounds like your friend would like you to be there to support her and her family. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711332 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 10:01:42 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2711332@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would really think its important to be there for her. What may be one day of unsettled feelings for you, will mean many days of comfort for her knowing she has your support. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711327 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 09:57:17 +0000 FaithFertility 2711327@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just unfortunitly attended a funeral for a friend's son lost at 4.5 months due to heart complications! I have a baby boy too about 2 months younger, we would joke about our Italian meatballs and such on FB and it killed me to attend the funeral knowing I went home to my sweet babe and she did Not! My feelings aside she expressed how much it meant to her that I was there!<br /> Her best friend is also 7 months pregnant! As hard as I can imagine it being to be pregnant I feel if your friend sent you the details she would like for you to attend!<br /> I am so sorry and pray for you all! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711321 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 09:50:22 +0000 winniebee 2711321@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Under the circumstances, I would probably put my own feelings aside and go to support my friend. However, I would ask her first about whether you being there and being very clearly pregnant would upset her sister/ whether she would like you to go. I lost a baby late into pregnancy (and am now 24 weeks pregnant) so doing all of this would be incredibly hard for me, but I would do it for my friend, if she felt it was appropriate. When we lost our son, so many people showed support and love. So, even though it was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, I have that bright spot to look back on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711312 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 09:43:14 +0000 youboots 2711312@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would have a honest conversation with your friend about how important it is for her to have you there. I think you are being very sensitive to this family and gentle with yourself. If my friend would be upset if I did not attend I would go to support but otherwise I would skip it and send a heartfelt card to your friend. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/attending-a-babys-funeral-while-pregnant#post-2711306 Thu, 16 Mar 2017 09:38:11 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2711306@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A close friend's sister lost her son shortly after birth.. I don't know all of the details but my friend sent me information for the services so I think she would probably appreciate if I attended. We've been friends for 20 years and I know her family fairly well. I'm really upset of course because it's so horrible. I will be 36 weeks pregnant next week when the service takes place. I am concerned about upsetting the parents or being a distraction and also my own emotional state. I think this would be unimaginably difficult for anyone but being so pregnant, I am sensitive about anything having to do with babies. I felt a little uncomfortable when people asked me about my pregnancy at a funeral over the holidays but that was for an older person and I don't think anyone at this service will care about my pregnancy- they'll be too devastated for the family.</p> <p>Sadly, my cousin had a stillbirth in January and I've had trouble processing that so to have another unthinkable thing happen so close to my due date is really hard for me. I know they are in pain I can't even imagine but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that these things do happen and life can be very fragile. </p>