https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 18 Apr 2026 19:07:14 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571354 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 23:12:37 +0000 immabeetoo 1571354@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: yep, we say let's often here too!</p> <p>@MrsScallop: heh!! Our dog is very, very mellow so it's pretty rare that he gets scolded. I will admit it IS cute when toddlers say no - but I"m glad mine doesn't (yet) hah! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571316 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 22:09:38 +0000 MrsScallop 1571316@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: Ha, yeah, my ILs do the same thing! LO will actively shake her finger at the dog. The worst was when she heard a mother at the park say no to her daughter. My LO then walked over and said "No no no" to the little girl while shaking her finger at her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571313 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 22:06:05 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 1571313@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@scg00387: I like anything that starts with "let's." So like, let's go do x, or let's don't do Y.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571310 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 22:03:30 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 1571310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is a work in progress for me....a lot of times I default to the "no thank you" in a sing-songey voice. And of course redirecting or "thank you for doing x" (opposite of thing actually being done. But I still reserve the right to say NO forcefully for a few reasons...going toward the road, toward our pool, and getting into the trash can. I still have LOTS of slip ups though....@MrsScallop: ours says no no because of the dog too! And the ILs are the worst. They will say to him, "say no no doggie!" And he will! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571298 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:52:46 +0000 MrsScallop 1571298@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@scg00387: Yeah, it doesn't help that she mimics people when she hears someone say no to something else (like the IL's dog) and some people find it hilarious and try to get her to do it more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571254 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:19:02 +0000 immabeetoo 1571254@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: a toddler at a playdate today was petting my hair saying 'gentle hands' LOL you could use yourself! We haven't had any huge issues with hitting yet, but when he does get slappy I try to do hands are for highfives</p> <p>@MrsScallop: I don't know if it is just coincidence, but we have not had a "nonono" phase yet. For some reason it drives my Mom nuts because she thinks its cute when toddlers do it, and she tries to say nononono to LO who tends to respond back YEAHYEAHYEAH (haha! contrary fellow. he does say nyah in response to questions) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571250 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:15:57 +0000 blackbird 1571250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hehehehehe </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571248 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:15:32 +0000 immabeetoo 1571248@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>two other related thoughts I had while I read everyone's responses were that, like @silva talked about clothes, our home is a very toddler-proofed area. It was important to us - so he generally has the freedom to roam and 90% of what he can get into, he is allowed to (although he's always discovering new things he can reach as he grows!). So that automatically eliminates a ton of 'no's because we were able to make it either accessible to him, locked, or out of reach. I realize that isn't desirable and/or possible for everyone, but I should've put it as a caveat.</p> <p>I also think a part of this that the article didn't mention is that when your first word/response is NO (dont touch this/do that/etc.etc.) it almost seems to me like your brain stops after that. I found the same thing when I used to have a boss who always responded to ideas very abruptly and directly -- it was a lot less pleasant to hear NO that won't work and this is why instead of WELL here are a few issues that might complicate.. If that makes sense? I find the same thing with my toddler. I was rushing and impatient today and when I was trying to get things together to leave he said "Gogo?" I said NO we have to put our shoes on first, and he burst into tears. Normally I say "I need to get the bag packed, and my shoes on, and then your shoes on, and we will go" and he will wait very patiently and then bring me his shoes. It was like his ears just shut off after hearing NO, like we weren't going outside at all :bummed: </p> <p>@blackbird: @Mrs. Sunshine: I agree - and I should've stated that. It is NOT easy, it is not 'natural'. I'm not some zen hippie mama who beatifically redirects and smiles!! :silly: But, like anything, both DH and I have found that it becomes a habit; the more you practice the easier it is. I definitely agree with @silva that physically showing makes a difference and we did/saw the same thing with our dog. We try to do the same thing if he's touching something he's not supposed to - take his hand and remove it while talking about it, and put something he can play with into his hand.</p> <p>@As Time Goes By: that is a great point - I was just telling DH that I feel emotionally exhausted sometimes when we go to playdates and I hear other Moms saying NO throwing NO hitting NO grabbing NO you can't have my phone NO don't do that. It makes me edgy!</p> <p>@Leialou: @cmomma17: Others have given responses, but I'll tell you the main ones we tend to repeat:<br /> "That's not for chewing, it's yucky. Can you take it out of your mouth, or do I need to take it from you? ((if he puts it in his mouth again, I say please give that to me, if he doesn't I count to 3 and take it on 3, but he knows the drill and almost always gives it up at 2, or hands it over immediately after putting it in his mouth the second time". "We don't play in that drawer, that's Mom and Dad's drawer, here is (LO's name)'s drawer what toys can we find?" "We sit in the tub so we don't fall. Do you want to sit down, or are you all done? (bath is then over if he doesn't sit down on his own)</p> <p>@littlebug: Yeah, I don't treat it like a "dirty word" by any means. I just try not to lead with it, unless it's a genuine safety issue, and then he typically takes me much more seriously than I assume he would if I used it all the time.</p> <p>@Pumuckl: thanks for linking those! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571241 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:11:17 +0000 Silva 1571241@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: <a href="http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/slaps-2.gif" rel="nofollow">http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/slaps-2.gif</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571239 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:08:45 +0000 blackbird 1571239@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>YES we do :) mine also likes to hit me with a board book. It's unpleasant...she head butted me so hard the other night in the face that I almost dropped her, haha. Mom of the year :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571237 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:04:41 +0000 Silva 1571237@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: you don't happen to watch archer, do you?<br /> Probably not...but when T does it is like this cartoon of rapid face slapping over and over. Why does that even seem like something worth trying? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571230 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 21:01:25 +0000 blackbird 1571230@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yeah I hear ya. I am NOT patient. Sometimes I'm gonna yell and be irritable. I guess my kid will learn that mommy isn't perfect :) I've never seen it implemented or anything, and I still say no and don't a lot, but I figure it's less than it would be otherwise. Steps in the right direction and all</p> <p>What is WITH the face hitting?! She's made my eyes water a few times from bonking me on the nose soooo hard. Usually when I'm laying on the floor. But yeah definitely not instinct to deal with her yet! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571226 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 20:59:46 +0000 MrsScallop 1571226@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the article! I have been thinking about this lately as LO likes to repeat No back at us and it sounds terrible. I will definitely try to use this more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571224 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 20:58:42 +0000 Silva 1571224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: it makes sense that we have to teach them what they should do, rather than just saying what they shouldn't do. T still doesn't have "gentle" down. We don't have any pets, so I teach her whenever we are with friends animals, and using those "touch and feel" books. I really want her to be respectful of animals, for their safety and her own!<br /> She has been hitting my face lately, which sucks. She is learning the words for our facial features, so she tries to point at/ grab my nose 100 times a day and it often leads to hitting.<br /> If she hurts me I have no problem saying "no" and putting her down and walking away. My feelings are important too!</p> <p>It isn't instinct for me yet- I sometimes have to stop and think about what to say instead of no. But that's good, I guess- it keeps me more engaged with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571219 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 20:55:33 +0000 Mrs. Pen 1571219@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@blackbird: same here. The first time I saw the gentle, no-spank, explain-why-you're-being-disciplined and this is how we do it type discipline was actually when I was a nanny and it blew.my.mind. I'm a believer. But I admit shamefully that I am short on patience, and prone to irritation, so it takes a lot of willpower to not yell and instead respond in love and kindness when my child defiantly goes against what I just said. It's just worlds apart from how it was done in my family. It's a lot of unlearning I've had to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1571210 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 20:48:04 +0000 blackbird 1571210@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@silva, I have held E's hands so many times while saying we pet the kitty nicely and I'll be damned if it didn't help her figure it out. Or she will try to get us to pet him. 90% of the time, it's a nice pet. I like to think it helped to show her</p> <p>Anyways, I, like most of us, weren't raised with this concept so it'll take time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1570300 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 14:09:40 +0000 Kimberlybee 1570300@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Pumuckl: oh cool, thank you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1570299 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 14:09:20 +0000 Kimberlybee 1570299@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yes, please, a list would be great! A list with all the positive redirecting on this thread would be amazing. My DH says "No" way too much, I need to explain to him why that doesn't work. @cmomma17: @lilteacherbee: :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1570297 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 14:08:13 +0000 Pumuckl 1570297@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Mrs. Hopscotch did a blog post:<br /> <a href="http://www.hellobee.com/2014/02/12/positive-parenting/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/2014/02/12/positive-parenting/</a></p> <p>And Mrs. Twine did a series on the nurtured heart approach which sounds kind of similar (but I might be wrong here):<br /> <a href="http://www.hellobee.com/the-nurtured-heart-approach-to-consequences/" rel="nofollow">http://www.hellobee.com/the-nurtured-heart-approach-to-consequences/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1570281 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 13:55:47 +0000 cmomma17 1570281@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@lilteacherbee: I need to provide you with a list of the ridiculous things my LO does and have you write responses for me! :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1570116 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 12:52:40 +0000 lilteacherbee 1570116@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I teach pre-k and technically, I'm not allowed to say no. When the ecers people come (star rating), they evaluate us and part of that is "redirecting" vs saying "no" or "don't." I've been teaching for 5 years and it's still difficult to remember, but I will say that my day is a lot more pleasant when I'm able to engage positively instead of saying "no," all day long! I've found that the kids tend to tune you out when they constantly hear "no" or "don't" or "stop." </p> <p>@cmomma17: Some things I say are "let's use our walking feet," "remember, our hands belong in our lap when we're on the carpet," and "can you keep your chair on the floor, please?" Instead of "no running," "don't touch your friends," and "stop leaning back in your chair." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1570042 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 12:35:59 +0000 Jenn23 1570042@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is awesome. I need to work on saying no less to my 18 month old more than I am and redirecting more! I try only to use "No" when it is a safety thing or when he tries to hit me in the face. Otherwise, I always try to redirect, but there are days where I know I say "no" way too much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569971 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 12:10:26 +0000 skipper2010 1569971@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm I'll have to check this article out later. Thanks! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569970 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 12:10:09 +0000 lady grey 1569970@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Like @Mamaof2 I also say "don't" and then redirect. I worked at a preschool years ago and they didn't like us using no all the time. So we'd say "Its not okay to...", "We don't do...". I also think saying "stop" sometimes is okay too. And always offering examples of what it is okay to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569959 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 12:02:09 +0000 edelweiss 1569959@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>thanks for posting! i feel like i've read these tips before, but always forget, so it's nice to have a reminder (and i'm favoriting this time so i can come back to it!). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569954 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 11:59:38 +0000 Silva 1569954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We try very hard to follow this practice. It can be challenging, especially when you are tired! We also try to say "we" a lot- as in, "we sit at the table for dinner," "we brush our teeth before bed," etc to help build a family culture. When kids are older, this can be a way to counter the "but my friends...."<br /> It also helps to make a safe place for your kid, so that you can say yes more. If I don't have to worry about what she is getting into because her whole room is safe, I don't have to follow her around saying "no."</p> <p>Also- dressing kids in clothes you don't mind getting ruined means less saying "no" when they start getting into the mud.</p> <p>All of that said, I'm the parent, I'm in charge, and sometimes I say no. There are boundaries and limitations that I'm responsible for establishing, Especially when it's about real threats to safety (hers, mine, or someone else's). When she bites me, I say no(because it hurts!) When she is about to grab an electrical outlet at a friends house (she got there when I wasn't watching) I say no. When, despite my showing her and reminding her to be gentle with a dog she grabs or hits his face, I say no. There isn't anything inherently wrong with saying "no." But when it's overused it doesn't teach anything. I think using it as a word about safety and respecting other peoples safety leads well into con stations about consent as kids get older, too.</p> <p>Oh, one last thought- I think toddlers experience the world in their bodies, not through language. So I always try to show her what I'm asking her to do at the same time that I'm saying it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569939 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 11:53:45 +0000 Mamaof2 1569939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I usually use the word "don't" but I do give redirection as well</p> <p>We don't color on the wall - we color on paper</p> <p>We don't throw our food - we throw balls</p> <p>We don't eat dog food - we eat chicken and pasta </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569934 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 11:50:56 +0000 googly-eyes 1569934@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I try to do these things, although I'm not opposed to all nos, and my LO is still going through a no phase...says no even when it's a yes. :P Good reminders though! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569759 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 10:39:57 +0000 Mrs. Sunshine 1569759@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This is something I knew before I was ever even pregnant that I wanted to put into practice but already at 7 months, I find myself telling her no before redirecting her (not that she gives me many reasons to say it yet, maybe once or twice a day when she swats at or grabs something that could be dangerous.) I do try to explain to her why she shouldn't do whatever it is she is doing. It's hard. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/avoiding-saying-no#post-1569747 Tue, 15 Apr 2014 10:33:42 +0000 cmomma17 1569747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@pui: I get the idea I just wanted to hear some of her examples. My LO hears no too much already. He loves shaking his head "no no no" and will also give us a "tour" of the "no's" of our house - cat's dishes are a no no, hot coffee mug is a no no, lamp cord is a no no, toilet is a no no .... :silly:<br /> I try to get him to shake his head yes and he tells me no! </p>