https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 06 Apr 2026 17:28:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2555514 Tue, 24 May 2016 13:15:43 +0000 BSB 2555514@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's great you are seeing a therapist. I saw a therapist in college for depression that was related to abuse from my parents and it had affected my self esteem for years. Also, I was fighting with my boyfriend (now husband). The biggest problem was getting me to talk about my parent's abuse. I kept it in so much and I made excuses for why they did what they did. Luckily, since I was living at school and away from my parents, I was finally able to express how much I was affected by the abuse. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend (now husband) and so therapy was mainly to help my issues and only my issues. </p> <p>How often are you seeing your therapist? My suggestion is to see them more frequently (maybe once a week or twice a week). I think there are a lot of issues here that need to be resolved (parent issues, self esteem). Please use whatever money it costs to put towards therapy. I think talking it out will help. You need to somehow cope with your past so you can deal with the present and the future. It will give you the ability to put your all into your relationship with your husband and future children. It sounds like children might be coming up in your future and the quicker you cope with your past will be better for everyone. So take the money and spend it on yourself. Therapy can help. </p> <p>Please- this is coming from someone who was affected by how my parents treated and abused me as a child. My brothers and sisters all coped differently to the abuse but I was the only one emotionally affected. The abuse really affected me. I truly believed that I deserved to be abused by my parents and therapy helped see that my parents were wrong. They took advantage of a child and I see them for who they are. My parent's relationship to me is rather distant. It's very odd to an average American but therapy made me realize that I did not have a normal childhood and my relationship to my parents is not normal either. And I'm okay with that. As for my self esteem, I didn't feel attractive until I was in college. It really helped that I saw a therapist.</p> <p>In all of your posts, I truly want you to be in a better place. I see your struggle. You have a loving husband but I see the pain you put yourself through because you might have self esteem and self worth issues. You say you don't care about what your mom thinks but I see that it does. You are definitely strong to go against your mother's wishes but I think there's still emotional issues, too. You've been through a lot. You are not weak. You are not stupid. You just need a little bit of help understanding your past. Getting a little help is completely okay!! Seeing a therapist is okay. Taking care of yourself is good. Put yourself first during this time where you don't have a child yet. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2555492 Tue, 24 May 2016 12:52:52 +0000 Umbreon 2555492@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Keep it in a savings account if you don't want to spend it. It's his money, if he wants you to have it and won't have it any either way, then fine. It's your life, if you don't want to spend it, then don't. </p> <p>Keep it in a savings account. Use it in the future as a college fund, or just have it on hand for emergencies.</p> <p>I think you need to work on yourself before you even think of having children though. Does your husband know about all these insecurities?</p> <p>It sounds to me like you need a new therapist. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2555314 Tue, 24 May 2016 09:19:10 +0000 ValentineMommy 2555314@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your husband sounds amazing. You're a lucky woman! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554872 Mon, 23 May 2016 16:01:24 +0000 BabyTsMom 2554872@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It doesn't seem like your husband is doing anything wrong. In fact, he seems like a very loving, doting, attentive man and very patient with you. You need to look inward and figure out why you cannot accept that this man loves you and wants to treat you well. We cannot really help you, because we don't know you and frankly your posts are so long that they are difficult to read (your English is great, but the posts are too long).<br /> I would try very hard to examine yourself and try to work on your own issues before your husband starts to feel like he's doing something wrong. Give him the affirmation that he deserves. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554864 Mon, 23 May 2016 15:47:37 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2554864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: are you posting here to get confirmation that your husband is abnormal? Are you using this board as a form of therapy? I don't quite understand what you need from us. I really think you need a lot of help, and I don't think we can give you what you need. Sweetie, spend that money on a lot of good therapy sessions so you and your family can be happy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554798 Mon, 23 May 2016 14:33:12 +0000 PurplePumps 2554798@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh the horror, a husband who wants to treat you to nice stuff!! Seriously, you have a *normal* life. Yes, "he's black, not African America, fully west African". So what? Does it bother you? He's human, he's your husband, he's sounds a good man, why do you feel the need to keep brining up his ethnicity? If you don't want to spend the money he give you, then don't or make it clear you don't want to take or spend "his" money. Either that, or learn to accept being a wife and equal partner in this relationship. Would you rather him belittle you and abuse you? Would that be more "normal" and the life you want instead? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554791 Mon, 23 May 2016 14:28:41 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2554791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yea I'd start putting more of that money towards therapy for yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554789 Mon, 23 May 2016 14:24:54 +0000 thestairs 2554789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I know in my OP post, I said I marred him with nothing. And I don't want to to spend the money he gives me every time he get pays--I don't want to spend it to buy anything for myself.<br /> I haven't use a penny of of it, it all still in the saving account.. I want to save it for our future baby expense, or save it for baby college, or save it for my husband; I just don't want to use it for myself.<br /> I know this sound like he bully me, but he not.. It 'Me' that chose Not to spend a penny of it. I'm an adult, it not like he can force me to spend it when I don't want to.</p> <p>He already secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life. He really doesn't needs to give me ' spending' money.. But he insist on give me, he said he 'wants' to. So that leave me with the only option of keep continue saving it.</p> <p>Yes, never once I ask my husband to buy me anything. All the things he did for me/all the things he buy for me; he did it all out of his own willing,<br /> The thing is I have zero self-worth, I don't even love myself. I don't want and don't need my husband to buy anything for me.. And it make me very uncomfortable when he keep dotes on me and pamper me. I'm just not used to it, it make me overwhelmed and uncomfortable.</p> <p>He knows all about my dysfunctional childhood, and know I'm like this. I feel that he try to make it up fo rme.<br /> Like last time we went shopping. He generously bought me five pairs of Demin jeans at Express in the mall.. I'm a jeans girl, I love those Denim jean sat Express. But the price is pricey it $85 a pair, (it probably not alot to others; but to a girl like me who work minimum wage jobs all my life, $85 for a pair of jeans is pricey).<br /> He knows how much I love those jeans, so he bought me 5 pairs.. I guess he knows I'm frugal, knows I won't buy it for myself.</p> <p>Whenever we go shopping. He said buy clothes buy shoe, buy whatever I like; and he just pay.<br /> He said he wants 'me' to chose. He thinks it best that I chose.. Because if he chose, he doesn't know if I like the style or if I like the color. So I grab whatever I want, and he pays.</p> <p>In my Chinese/Vietnamese culture, we don't give gifts for every occasions like how it is in the west.. We give cash money in every occasions; it just an Asian culture thing. It different from western culture where you put in the thoughts to chose and buy a presents for them.<br /> My husband knows this about my culture, perhaps that's why he give me cash? He said if he buy gifts for me, he doesn't know what specificly I like. Clothes he doesn't know what styles/brand/color I like, etc..<br /> IF he buy something I don't like then I have to go return or exchange it. He thinks it best to give me cash, and I use it to buy whatever I like/I want.</p> <p>Same with buy jewelry; he would take me to the jewelry store and let me chose whatever I like, and he just pay. He said he doesn't want to chose it for me.<br /> He knows how much I love pearl and yellow gold. So he took me to jewelry stores in Chinatown, (because there have alot of the 18-karat yellow gold that I like).<br /> I told him I won't go to with him to jewelry stores anymore. He bought me alot of jelwery already.. I have two pearl necklaces, a pair of pearl earrings, a pearl ring. Three pairs of gold big hoops earrings, two gold watches. They are all 18-karat gold so it not cheap.<br /> It already enough jelwery that he bought for me, I don't want him to spend his hard work money on it.</p> <p>I don't want to go the mall, or go to jewelry stores in Chinatown with him anymore. I feel that he pamper me and he waste his hardwork money.<br /> He already give me everything, he secure everything from emotionally to financially.<br /> Heck, he even gives me money six times a month/every time he get pays. (His full time job pays him weekly, his part time job pays him bi-weekly).<br /> I feel that as a husband he do alot for me already, what else is there I need him to do? I wish he wasn't so loving and caring. I wish if he treats me badly then I will feel better.</p> <p>Yes, he Black. He from Sierra Leone, West Africa.<br /> He not mix, he FULLY African. He much darker skin than most of African-American here in the U.S.<br /> Anyone here who Chinese or Vietnames know how Chinese and Vietnamese parents reacts to when they know their daughter date and married a Black guy from West Africa.</p> <p>It not simple as he loves me is enough, certainly not with my Vietnamese mother. My mother doesn't care how much he loves me, she disapproved him SOLELY due to his skin color.<br /> I blame myself everyday for how my mother treats him, I blame myself everyday that I can't give him a MIL.<br /> I wish he didn't love me so much, didn't treats me so well. IF he simply just mistreat me then I will feel much better. The more of an awesome husband he is, the more and more I blame myself.. I don't know why I'm like this, but this is how I am. I don't know how to overcome this.</p> <p>In therapy, I talk about my abusive mother alot (my childhood baggage is why I go to therapy). I need to work on get pass my emotional childhood baggage. My abusive childhood and my mother is the MAIN topic I concentrate on in therapy.<br /> But in my next therapy session, I'm going to get help with my self-worth. Because it clearly that I have zero self-worth.<br /> Eversince my childhood to my adulthood, I have zero self-worth. It always me blame myself, everything I blame on myself. Self-blame is what I live with everyday, and I'm extremely hard on myself.. I guess I'm hard on him too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554728 Mon, 23 May 2016 13:33:35 +0000 PurplePumps 2554728@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Listen to your therapist. You need to figure out why you key in on these specific instances and obsess over the same things over and over again trying to find a problem. Every post obsesses over the same details, you're Asian, your mom is terrible, he's African, he chased you for years, you wouldn't sleep with him for years.... etc. Stop obsessing and just let your self live a happy life.</p> <p>My husband always go out to clear the drive way if there is snow on it. He doesn't like to do it either, but oh my, he has never expected me to go do it cause I hate the cold. He cleans up whenever the dog throws up. I tried to help him before and nearly passed out and fell down the stairs, so now he just takes care of it cause I can't handle it. When I drop a glass cup, he runs to help clean it up and tells me to just step away too. He doesn't really love my cooking, he prefers more American or Mexican cooking, but I cook more Chinese food, but he eats it without complaining. We don't fight much either, there is nothing to fight about, it's not weird to not fight. It took me a while to think of these nice things that seem like you would complain is weird for him to do.... but these things are *normal*. Not things to obsess about how 'corny' or 'weird' he is. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554725 Mon, 23 May 2016 13:33:03 +0000 oliviaoblivia 2554725@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Honestly your husband sounds like a catch.<br /> Stop questioning his normal behavior and start enjoying your very loving husband.<br /> If you really think you deserve unhappiness and dysfunction more therapy is in order. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554694 Mon, 23 May 2016 13:07:46 +0000 Turd Ferguson 2554694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You're right. He sounds absolutely awful. How have you lasted this long with him? There's no way I could handle his adoration, love, and selflessness. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554690 Mon, 23 May 2016 13:04:34 +0000 Pumpkin Pie 2554690@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm really sorry, but you need help finding yourself and loving yourself. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554684 Mon, 23 May 2016 13:00:52 +0000 thestairs 2554684@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>okay some more examples:<br /> I have a habit of leave random things all over the bedroom carpet, usually like 5-6 things laying on the bedroom carpet. Things like: my wallet, my bra, grocery ads, phone charger, a pen, box of Kleenex tissue, Chinese DVD cases, TV remote, etc..<br /> My husband knows this, so when he walk in the bedroom, he walk in carefully. (I guess she doesn't want to accidently step on it). And he always pick the stuff up and put it back into place for me.. Never once he criticize me, he just quietly pick it all up and put it back in place for me.<br /> I have try to not leave stuff all over the carpet anymore. It getting better, but habits died hard. ugh.. I always leave a box of tissue on the carpet floor.</p> <p>Never once he said anything about my habits. But I know he is a neat-freak and a clean-freak.. I told him I'm going to try to not leave things on the carpet anymore. He said I'm silly, he said don't sweat about it, he doesn't mind pick it all up for me. He said I leave things on the carpet, he will pick it up. He doesn't see what is the problem?<br /> I always say silly things in front of him. I asked him what happens when we have a baby and baby leave toys all over the the carpet floor? He said then he will pick up all the toys that the baby leave on the floor. Problem solved.<br /> Lol, he is so corny. But he laid-back, and he have alot of patience.</p> <p>Another habit of mine is I can be clumsy, not all the time but sometimes.<br /> An example of my clumsy habit; last time I accidently dropped soda cans, and it exploded all over the kitchen.. Being multi-tasking that I am, I try carried<br /> 4 Coca-Cola cans in one hand. I dropped all 4 cans, it exploded. It spills, fizz and splashed all over the kitchen floor.<br /> He didn't get mad, he said let him clean it up. He doesn't want me to slip and fall, so he said I go watch TV in the living room, and he clean up the kitchen.</p> <p>Another example, last time I dropped a big glass cup in the kitchen. The glass break into many pieces big and small, and the tiny pieces glass shattered all over the kitchen floor.<br /> He didn't get mad, he said he does Not want me to touch the broken glass pieces. Because he worried that the broken glass pieces might cut my finger if I pick it up; so I let him pick it up and clean it all up.<br /> (This was the first time I dropped glass). ugh.. the broken glass pieces sure does look sharp, but he use his fingers to pick it up. Since the broken glass pieces shattered all over the kitchen floor, it was a mess. But he won't let me help him, he wants to be the one that pick it up and clean it up.</p> <p>And last time I accidently leave the refrigerator door open, I forget to close it.. He knows this so he always check the refrigerator door before we headed to bed. I guess he wants to be extra safe; leave fridge door open is bad bad, frozen food will just all melt.</p> <p>I dunno, but he's like that. He has the attitude like this: "okay, so what is the problem? Let me know, tell me and I will solve it." type of attitude. He will solve the problem himself instead of sit around and wait.. He's the type of guy that do it himself and get it done, he doesn't sit around and wait for anyone to do anything for him.</p> <p>---------------------------------------------------------<br /> another example:<br /> He make the best potato salad, it taste very very good. I tried to learn it from him; but doesn't matter how hard I try, mine just won't come out having the exact same taste as his.. It something with his hands and the way he make it, I really like the taste of his potato salad.</p> <p>He very nice to me. Like few weeks ago while eating dinner, I told him that suddenly I have the craving for potato salad--it was just a random sentence I said while eating on the dinner table.. Because of this one sentence I said; after he finished his plate of dinner, he went straight to the kitchen and make the potato salad for me.<br /> He said he make it anytime for me. He said if I like to eat the food he make, he will make it everyday for me.</p> <p>Like last Saturday, I said I want to eat the potato salad again. He didn't even hesitate for a second, he went straight to the kitchen and make it for me like he did few weeks ago.<br /> I mean I think he do things that 'not very normal', but he treats me really well. It not like he bully me or anything.</p> <p>----------------------------------------------------------<br /> Our daily days is very simple; we like an old couple, lol<br /> He works long hours. I always make sure I have dinner cook ready fresh for him.<br /> When he gets home from work--it take a shower first and then eat. He shower, I'm in the kitchen prepare dinner put out on the table; when he come out and we eat together, we eat and talk on the dinner table to, lol<br /> After dinner he cleans the kitchen, and I wash dishes. He help me with the dishes too when he done clean the kitchen. </p> <p>He very neat.. he wipes all the wet spots on the kitchen countertops after dishes all done.<br /> okay. after dinner I wash dishes, he cleans the kitchen. And when he done clean the kitchen, he join help me with the dishes.<br /> BUT after dishes all done, 'He' wipes all the water spots that on the kitchen countertop.. I mean what he do is 'not very normal' right?</p> <p>Then we went to watch news, I watch it with him. He loves watch News--it his ways of relax.. We talk, we spend the time we have together; I'm always by his side when he home.<br /> And then we headed to bed, we go to sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time.. We don't even fight or argue, I guess there nothing for us to argue about.</p> <p>He work a full time job and a part time job, he work alot. But he does have half a day off on weekend.<br /> On his half day off, he wants to take me to the mall and buy stuff for me; but I said No, I don't want to go the mall anymore.. I know he generous with his money, but I don't want him to see him buy me 5 pairs of Denim jeans at Express again like last time. I don't want him to waste money like that, (I only want 1 pair, but he bought me 5 pairs).<br /> Here the city where we live have alot of parks, there alot of couples to walk around the park and talks. So I told him I just want him to take me to the park.. We walk around the park, and go eat. And go to the theater see a movie if there a movie we want to see.<br /> We live in the crowded state California, right in the city--it very crowded.. And it HCOL, but the up side to it is there alot of places ot go around. Here everywhere there restaurants, parks, lakes, theaters, concerts entertainment, cultural arts, marketplace, etc..</p> <p>I told my Vietnamese therapist how a day of us is like, if there anything wrong with our daily lives together that need to be fix? My therapist said she doesn't see anything wrong with it, she fails to see what wrong with it.<br /> I dunno what the beep is my problem. My therapist she said she doesn't see anything wrong with my husband. She said it all a "ME" problem. It NOT a husband problem.<br /> My therapist said I need to accept him, accept that he loves me; and 'let' him love me, let him be the husband that he is.</p> <p>Your right, the problem is ME--I won't relax, I won't chill; I'm just not willing to enjoy my marriage.. I just can't seem to able to accept happiness.<br /> Perhaps it due to my dysfunctional childhood--my mother destroyed me. But I crave the sadness and torture, it what I'm familiar with; I crave that familiar feelings that I grow up with.. I don't know why but I'm just not used to happiness, I just can't adapt to happiness.<br /> I need to work on this, I know this is the problem, but it just so hard for me to overcome it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554637 Mon, 23 May 2016 12:22:37 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2554637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>None of those things are abnormal for a husband and wife in a healthy marriage. Unless you are uncomfortable with them and you ask him to stop. </p> <p>Again, this looks like its more of an issue of you dont know how to love yourself and therefore can't accept why your husband loves you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554610 Mon, 23 May 2016 11:45:31 +0000 josina 2554610@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: I wouldn't consider any of what you just said to be abnormal behavior. He loves you. He shows you by kissing your but, your stomach, (wherever) and rubbing your feet. Like you said, you've only been with him so you don't know what is and isn't normal, so stop worrying about it / trying to compare him! It's maybe corny but it's cute! There's nothing WRONG with it. I think most people just don't share those intimate details with the world.</p> <p>Let it go. Appreciate the good man you have. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554607 Mon, 23 May 2016 11:40:00 +0000 raspberries 2554607@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You need to stop being concerned about what's normal and what's not. There's nothing weird about your husband kissing any part of your body. When you say it's "not very normal" and "corny," are you saying you don't like it? If that's the case, then tell him not to do it. Otherwise, don't worry about it and enjoy it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554601 Mon, 23 May 2016 11:26:56 +0000 thestairs 2554601@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Well, my thread I posted back in May 2015 (a year ago). I did mentioned briefly about some things he did that I think it 'not very normal.' Like the things he did below:</p> <p>My husband like to kiss my butt cheek whenever we in bed together. Clothed or not, underwear or short on, he still like to kiss it.<br /> I have the bad habit of sleeping on my stomach. And I lay in bed on my stomach playing on my laptop. Whenever he see me lay on my stomach, he would kiss my butt cheek.. Or simply as when he walk in the bedroom and see me laying flat on my stomach, lol<br /> To me it just sooo awkward! I told him it embarrassing. But he said he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he kiss his wife butt cheek.</p> <p>He very respectful. He doesn't bite, doesn't slap, doesn't gropes, doesn't spank my butt, not even a light spank.<br /> He just simply put his lips on my butt cheek and kiss it. It not a peck; but it a gentle slow kiss type, he's weird right?<br /> I know this is his way of showing affections. And I do try to adapt to "his" way of affection, I let him do it.. Sometimes I giggles, I giggles and I give him a hug. He was sooo happy that I enjoy it and that I appreciate his kiss.</p> <p>ugh.. but at our age we not young anymore, I'm 31 and he 30. And he still do what he do.<br /> (We got married 15 months ago), after 15 months and he still kiss it. He still give me the reasoning that he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he kiss his 'wife' butt cheek.. I just dunno how to response back to him when he give a reasoning like that.</p> <p>..when I get dress, sometimes I look at my butt in the mirror and I keep wondering why he likes to kiss it? Is there something wrong with my butt? lol<br /> I dunno, I just think he do things that 'not very normal', and he corny sometimes.<br /> I mean normal guys don't kiss their wife butt cheek right? okay, a quick peck I understand.. But my husband kiss--it not a peck; but it a gentle slow kiss type. He ridiculously corny.<br /> --------------------------------------------------</p> <p>I'm not even pregnant yet and he already kiss my stomach. No, he doesn't kiss it everyday but 2-3 times a week usually on weekend, lol<br /> He said when I'm pregnant, he wants me to let him kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.. He so corny right?<br /> When he watching News; sometimes he lays his head on my lap, and he would kiss my chubby stomach. (I'm 4'11" short height, and chubby. Dunno why he likes to kiss my stomach when there no baby in there, lol). I giggles and tell him that there no baby in there yet.. But he said he wants to, and likes to kiss my stomach; baby there or not.</p> <p>I reminded him that I'm very careful with take my BCP, and asked that he knows I'm not pregnant right? And asked why he likes to kiss my tummy when there no baby in there? I asked silly question like that, lol<br /> He thinks I'm silly. He said he knows I'm not pregnant, but he still want to kiss my stomach; baby there or not.<br /> And the way he kiss my tummy, it kindda odd too.. It not the peck type, but the slow kiss type--the he put his lips on your tummy and slow kiss it, lol (he corny).</p> <p>I dunno, I think what he did is 'not very normal'. Because normal would be like: men wait when their wife pregnant, then men kiss their wife stomach.<br /> But I'm Not pregnant, why my husband wants to kiss my stomach for? I just don't understand it.<br /> ---------------------------------------------</p> <p>In the cold winter time; my hands and feet get freezing, like very very cold.. He know this, so he rubs my feet and hands; when we in bed--he always rubs my hands and rubs my feet.<br /> We did tried to turn on heater; but when the heater stays on, after a while I get bleeding nose.. He knows this so he doesn't want to leave the heater on, I guess because he doesn't want to see my nose bleeds. He keeps rubs my hands and rubs my feet to helps keep it stay warm.</p> <p>I think what he did is not very normal. Because normal would be like: okay, your hands and feet cold, I turn on the heater for you. and that should be all to it.<br /> But why my husband keeps rubs my hands and feet to help keep it stay warm instead? because he knows I get nose bleeds if leave the heater on? I just don't get it.</p> <p>Those are the few examples that he do. There more things he do that 'not very normal' and corny like that. But I think those examples is enough to get my point across that he do 'not very normal' things.</p> <p>But then he is the only guy I've ever been with, he is my first everything.<br /> I only know what he do. Everything I know about men love and marriage is all from him.. So what the heck do I know about what other men do? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554551 Mon, 23 May 2016 10:05:25 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2554551@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: I dont know that I believe that anyone "needs" chaos or sadness or emotional pain in their life. I think you may be accustomed to living that way and may question your happiness. But human nature does not require those things. You need to retrain your mind to accept this new life. </p> <p>I would look up some "self-help" type books and websites. Stop questioning your husband. Start looking in the mirror to find happiness from within. Here is a start: <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Learn-to-Accept-Yourself" rel="nofollow">http://www.wikihow.com/Learn-to-Accept-Yourself</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554548 Mon, 23 May 2016 10:00:48 +0000 thestairs 2554548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p><a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/need-viewpoint-based-on-this-situation-only-on-how-he-treats-his-one-night-stand</a><br /> In that last thread of mine, I did mentioned a bit about my mother who abuse me in my childhood, belittle me, emotionally/verbally abusive towards me, even one time physically beaten me. I have childhood emotional baggage.<br /> And I been in therapist to get help get over my childhood past. So answer Ms. MoonMoon, I do have a therapist that I go to get help with my childhood baggage.</p> <p><a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/i-always-have-internal-conflicts-inside-myself-does-ur-childhood-experienced-effect-u-as-an-adult</a><br /> And this thread of mine I posted a year ago.<br /> In there I did talk specificly about my dysfunctional chidhood.<br /> I grew up in a chaotic household. My mother abuse me emotionally and verbally, and belittle me throughout my whole childhood.. Growing up I always have the thinking that "normal" is the dysfunctional and chaos is the 'normal'.</p> <p>It like I need 'something wrong with my husband/marriage' so that life feels "normal" to me. A dyfunctional and chaotic life feels "normal" to me, it like that is my comfort zone. I don't know if this make sense?<br /> With my husband, I don't feel that it the 'norms'; it not what I'm familiar with.</p> <p>I dunno if that make sense Ms. T.H.O.U., but that's how I feel.. I crave the dysfunction and chaos life that I had in my childhood. It just that I can't seem to adapt to happiness. I need sadness, emotionally pain, emotionally torture. I need those in order for me to feel that it "me". I just can't to adapt to a normal happy life. I know it a "me" problem, but that is what I feel. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554510 Mon, 23 May 2016 08:56:14 +0000 T.H.O.U. 2554510@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>You need to really start looking in the mirror and understanding why these things bother YOU. These are not normal things to worry about. You have a loving husband who is caring for you and your needs. Appreciate it and stop questioning every little step he takes. You need to find peace with yourself and your marriage. </p> <p>This is not about him giving you money, or his one-night-stands, or doing the laundry. It seems that this is more about you struggling to accept his acceptance. You dont seem to find yourself worthy of his love which is a big issue. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554501 Mon, 23 May 2016 08:49:51 +0000 snowjewelz 2554501@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I mean, when you have a baby you will have to spend money, so I'd just take the money and keep putting it into savings, maybe do CDs or something that gives you better interest? </p> <p>It's really hard to say how much you need to save for college. I don't even know how much school will cost by the time my kids go to college! So we currently don't have a separate savings for DD. We are savers too and when the time comes, we'll help her out as much as we can. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554260 Sun, 22 May 2016 19:59:33 +0000 yoursilverlining 2554260@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do save each month for our child's college expenses - it's impossible to know how much you'll need to save and I think it's nearly impossible to save enough to cover all expenses. Doing that isn't my goal - LO will be expected to apply for every scholarship known to man, and I'm fine with her taking out some college loans. My goal is to be able to cover enough that she doesn't leave drowning in debt, and that she doesn't have to make decisions based on finances alone. </p> <p>Have you tried just asking your husband why he gives you money, or telling him how much it clearly upsets you? I imagine he wants you to do something nice for yourself. I guess someone might be 100% honestly happy living a life doing nothing out of the ordinary or "lavish" for themselves, but most people enjoy a special treat now and again, or to buy something special that they normally wouldn't. </p> <p>You seem a little obsessed with whether or not your husband is "normal", and whether you deserve him. He obviously thinks you do deserve him. It is not clear you feel the same way. At some point, you have to really let your mother's toxicity and your toxic upbringing GO. Or, you can continue to let it control your life. It's your decision - but from your posts, you are nowhere near living a life of your own. You care far too much about the past, about excuses for why things are how they are now, and about what is "normal". You either like your life, or you don't. If you don't, change it. If you do, accept it and live it and stop obsessively worrying so much. Take care. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554246 Sun, 22 May 2016 19:16:38 +0000 simplyfelicity 2554246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@thestairs: Aren't you exhausted? I mean, seriously? I saw a therapist who called this kind of thinking (please excuse this) "mental masturbation." You feel like you are getting some sort of pleasure out of it but, really, you are just obsessing over the tiniest, most minute details. </p> <p>How does this kind of thinking make you happy? How does it help your relationships? Honestly, the world we live in is hard enough, why make it more difficult? The time you spend on these long-winded posts could be spent on so many better things! Read a book, take a bubble bath, go on a bike ride, learn to cook something new. Do something for yourself because, I promise you, whatever it is you are looking for you won't find here, any other online forum, in your husband, anywhere. </p> <p>Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean you have to follow it, you can let it go. It's simply not worth it. But only you can make that decision and I really hope you do. Reading your posts makes me so anxious, I can only imagine how you feel. Do something to better yourself because I promise none of this does. It just leaves you confused. I would rather have peace. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554196 Sun, 22 May 2016 17:08:27 +0000 MoonMoon 2554196@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh honey. You seem like a nice person and your husband seems like a nice person. Your mother sounds like a very mean and selfish person. This is her loss, not yours. Lots of people don't have a mother in law, it doesn't mean their marriage or their life can't be great. Saving the money for college is a great idea. I would also suggest that you do allow yourself to treat yourself- some sweet, maybe a massage or personal trainer, a hobby, taking classes at a community college, anything to help you feel good.</p> <p>But above all I'd recommend seeking therapy. Your posts are filled with so much angst and self blame. An internet board full of strangers can't help you, but talking with a counselor might. It's hard to have perspective when we get into our own heads too much. A therapist can help.</p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/baby-college-tuition-saving-ugh-trying-find-out-why-husband-keeps-insist-on-give-me-money#post-2554177 Sun, 22 May 2016 15:35:17 +0000 thestairs 2554177@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hi, Chinese and Vietnamese is my two native languages; English is my third language, so I apologize for my not perfect English grammars. And the LONGGG post ahead, so please skip it if you don't have a few minutes to spare.<br /> I know everyone time is precious, so I'm not expecting anyone to reply to my Vent/Dear Diary post. But if you can help, help answer the paragraph below and just skip the rest.<br /> I was wondering, did you/do you save money for your baby college? If so, may I ask how much do you save a month? And was it save for public college or private college?<br /> For baby college, how much do you need to save a month for public college? (Me and my husband we not rich; and private college is very expensive, I don't think we can afford private college).<br /> How much is the usual amount needed to save a month for public college? Did you start saving it when your baby was a newborn? Did you specificly open the 529 college saving plan account to save for your baby college?<br /> Or you just put the money in a regular 'saving' account and take it out later when baby go to college?</p> <p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /> Me and my husband we both Debt-free, zero debt. No school debt, No credit-cards debt.. We far far from rich. But we to Debt-free, and we both are not big spender; life is comfy for us.<br /> We pay all our credit cards bills early every month. Once we get the bills, we pay it right away; so our credit scores is excellent.<br /> Everything, including our bills are all pay on time early every month.</p> <p>My husband very responsible with money, he work hard to secure for the future. He always make sure we have decent amount in saving accounts. He save for emergency/rainy days.<br /> Every month we put money into retirement, and into our regular saving accounts. We do have our retirement saving.<br /> We live BELOW our means.. To me, it is important that we must keep on continue saving money for rainy days. Eventhough we have decent money in saving already, but we still must keep on saving (especially we live in a HCOL state).</p> <p>I'm very frugal. I'm a coupon person; I cut coupons, I save coupons, I use coupons.<br /> All my clothes/shoes I buy are 'on sale' price. I shop in the on sale section/clearance section. When the holidays come and clothes goes on sale, I buy alot and save it to wear next season. I'm cheap like that.<br /> My whole life I never own anything brand name. I don't need and don't like brand name stuff.<br /> I don't wear make up, I never wear powder or liquid foundation on my face skin. I never get my nails done, I don't paint my nails. I never dyed or hightlights my hair, never get my hair done.. When my hair get too long; I just go for a dry cut, no shampooo no nothing. I save every dollar as I can.</p> <p>Never once I ask my husband to buy me anything. I never ask my husband for anything.. Everything he did for me/all the things he buy for me; he did it all out of his own willing.<br /> He knows all my life I'm frugal, but he still give me money everytime he gets pay (this is something I just don't understand). He said it my monthly 'spending money', spend it--use it on anything I want, go shopping and buy things for myself. He said he give it to me, it is mine.<br /> But I don't want to spend his hardwork money, plus I'm a very frugal person.<br /> I haven't use a penny of it, I open an addition saving account and put it all in there. Save it for our future baby expense, or save it for baby college, or save it for my husband; I just don't want to use it for myself.<br /> I told him he can have it back any time he wants, but he just wont' take it back. He said I'm silly, and he said he will never take it back.. So that leave me with the only option of keep continue saving it.</p> <p>Eversince I married him, he gives me money eversince and still giving me money. I know he wants to see me well taken care of, I'm grateful for that. But I have a minium wage job--it $10 an hour California minimum wage, but a job is sill a job. I have my own source of income.<br /> I know he make 4x more than me. But he really doesn't need to give me money, especially when he secure everything already.<br /> He already secure everything from emotionally to financially, so I can live a stable steady and comfy life. He really doesn't needs to give me money.</p> <p>He have a full time job that pay weekly, and a part time job that pay bi-weekly; so he gets pay six times a month.. And he gives me money every.single.time he gets pay. Each time he gets pay he always give me $200 to $300; he give me that amount but six times a month--so times six, it does add up quickly. (It alot of money he gives me, he really doesn't have to do this).<br /> The months he work more like holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas), or whenever he work overtime; he gives me more money.</p> <p>There twelve months a year; the amount he gives me each month times twelves. It does add up.<br /> (it probably not be alot to others; But I'm just a girl who work minimum wage jobs all my life, to me it alot of money).<br /> I told him many times to not give me money anymore. But he still insist on give me and said he 'wants' to.<br /> I told him straight out that I put it in the saving account, I don't want to use it for myself. I will save it for our future baby; when the baby comes this money can be spend on the baby--use it for baby expense, Or save it for baby college. At least this is something me as a mom I can do for my baby.<br /> I told my husband that don't give me money anymore, but he keeps on insists that he 'wants' to give it to me. How can I make him understand that I don't want him to give me money everytime he get pays? How to word it to him to make him understand? Since he keeps on insist giving me money, I guess I don't have any other choice besides continue put the money in the saving account.</p> <p>We got married 15 months ago, eversince I became his wife he gives me money eversince and still giving me money.<br /> I still haven't use a penny of it. I have been saving it for 15 months already, and I will continue keep saving it.<br /> I'm a girl with just a High School diploma (No college degree). So I don't know much about University/College-tuition, but I heard that the tuition will keep increase and increase.<br /> So how much do I need to save to reach baby college goal? Would I have enough for baby college (public college) If I continue saving it for the next 18 years?<br /> I haven't use a penny of it, and will never use a penny of it. It all still in the saving account.</p> <p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /> My husband he from Sierra Leone, West Africa. He Black.<br /> Nope, he not African-American. He come straight from Africa.<br /> He not mix, he FULLY African. He much darker skin than most of African-American here in the U.S.. He Not brown, Not even dark brown. He the dark chocolate black skin tone.</p> <p>My Vietnamese mother discriminate against him, and disrespect him.. My parents disapproved my husband, they didn't accept him and still haven't accept him. My mother make it loud and clear that if I married him, she will disown me. And she did, she completely cut me off after I got married.<br /> (Chose to married him, means my parents will completely cut me off and disown me; my mother basically force me to chose.)<br /> Both my parents refused to give me their blessing, both refused to show up to my wedding ceremony.. Even till this day my parents still haven't accept my husband nor accept my marriage.</p> <p>He was very keen on get married, (I wasn't pregnant when we married).<br /> He said he loves me, he wants to married me. He was very keen on tied the knot, I agree to married him. And I just want to get married very simple, I don't need anything.<br /> I didn't have an engagement ring. It was me that specificly said I don't want an engagement ring.<br /> I married him with nothing.. There was No engagement ring. No wedding reception. No honeymoon. I didn't even get to wear a wedding dress, no wedding cake, nothing.<br /> In all fairness to him.. It was "me" that chose Not to have any of that.<br /> And I didn't want a wedding reception. Because frankly, there was No point of me to have a wedding reception when there nobody on my side of the family going to show up.. I asked myself, what's the point of have a wedding reception when nobody on the bride side of the family going to show up?</p> <p>There no engagement ring.. But we do have our wedding rings, our simple plain matching wedding band.<br /> And these simple plain gold wedding band is all we have. We didn't buy any new rings, we use these simple matching gold band rings that we both been wearing, turn it to our wedding rings on that day we got married.<br /> There No engagement ring. No wedding reception. No honeymoon. I didn't even get to wear a wedding dress.. But No regrets, I have zero regrets. If I can go back in time, I married him this exact same way again; I wouldn't change a thing.</p> <p>He treats me really really well, he is an awesome husband.. Marriage have been loving and peaceful; very peaceful, we don't even fight or argue.<br /> I just don't understand why he keeps give me money everytime he get pays. I know he said he 'wants' to. But can it be that he try to make it up for me?<br /> Married him, it result in my parents disown me. Perhaps he feels sad for me, so he wants to make it up for me?<br /> Or perhaps he knows that all my life I work at minimum wage jobs, he feels pity for me so he wants to make it up for me?</p> <p>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br /> I have known him for 5 years, and NEVER once my mom care enough to met him.<br /> Even till this day she still doesn't care to meet him, not even one time. To me this is like an indirect slap in his face to let him know how much my mother dislike him and disrespect him.<br /> She very very unreasonable. NEVER once she care enough to give one single chance to met him. She doesn't even care enough to know his name, or anything about him other than his ethnicity.<br /> She said alot of hurtful words. And disrespect him when she never met him before, not even once. How fair is that to him?</p> <p>My husband knows all about my mother disapproved him, discriminate against him and disrespect him.<br /> He knows everything. He doesn't care that my mother discriminate against him.<br /> He knows everything about me, and accepted everything about me.. He accepted that this is our situation/circumstances. He face the situation and make the best out of it.</p> <p>There No hate in his heart, there No resentment.. Never once I heard him say a word criticize my mother. Never once I heard him say a disrespectful word, a negative word or a bad word about my mother. Never once he complain a word about our situation/circumstances.<br /> But then he never complain anyways. I Never heard him complain a word about his life, his jobs or anything life throw at him.. He said complain won't change anything. Don't run away, face the situation and make the best out of it.</p> <p>I always blame myself that he doesn't have a MIL. I blame myself that my mother disrespect him. It self-blame, self-guilt that I live with inside everyday.<br /> But a lady gave me advice--she said most men don't care about having MIL, they're fine with not having a MIL.. And she sure that my husband rather not have a MIL than have to deal with my mom (a MIL who discriminate and disrespect him).<br /> She said my mom never want to met him, refused to met him, doesn't want to be his MIL. Take it as a blessing. Because my husband doesn't have to deal with the stress of dealing with a MIL who like my mom anyways.<br /> I dunno, but I always blame and blame myself that I can't give my husband a MIL.</p> <p>Anyways, my husband is the only guy I've ever been with, he is my first everything.. Everything I know about men love and marriage is all from him. Sometimes I wonder is the things he do normal? Or why he keeps do the things he do, like why he keeps give me money every time he get pays, etc..</p> <p>I have known him 5 years. But the first 2 years we were 'just friends'. I didn't agree to be his GF until after 2 years of knowing him.<br /> I'm the girl in his neighborhood. Due to our close distance, seeing each others day in and day out; It not hard to get to know him well.<br /> He said he wait for me, and he did what he said. After 2 years I agree to be his GF, then I make him wait another year into our commited relationship before I sleep with him; I want to make sure he the right one, and make sure I was ready.<br /> So the first 3 years, there no sex between us.. I first sleep with him in 2014 (so sexually, it only been 2 years).<br /> We got married on February 2015 (so it 15 months into marriage).<br /> I don't know why he loves me, or why he wait for me? Why chose me--a girl in his neighborhood to married? </p> <p>He didn't give me money when I was his GF in our committed relationship. He didn't do this when we live together (we did live together prior to marriage; but it wasn't long, just under half a year).<br /> BUT after we "officially" got married--I became his wife; he begin to give me money everytime he get pays. And he still give me money.<br /> I'm just wondering why he do the things he do. I'm still trying to find out why he keeps insist on give me money, when he already secure everything from emotionally to financially. I live a stable steady and comfy life. I don't need him to give me money.</p> <p>I don't know why he loves me, or what did I to to deserve him. I blame myself all the time that I can't give him a MIL.<br /> I blame myself that I can't give him the perfect family with a MIL (a MIL that discriminate against him, a MIL that welcome him and accept him).<br /> And I blame myself that I can't give my future children a maternal grandma. My mother did make it clear that I'm not welcome to drive back home to visit my dad anymore, and my future children are also not welcome. She doesn't want anything to do with me, or anything with my children.<br /> And it beep hurts that my mom called me Dirty, and also called my future children dirty. According to her words, my future children are equally "Dirty" and shameful just like me--their mom.<br /> It beep hurts, it just hurts so much.. I don't know if this lifetime/if until the day I died--IF I'm able to see my mother change her mind and accept my husband, or accept my marriage; and stop called me dirty, stop called my future children dirty. </p>