https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 14 Apr 2026 19:51:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2783163 Tue, 31 Oct 2017 04:12:35 +0000 My Only Sunshine 2783163@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: The Daniel Tiger episodes with baby Margaret were helpful to us in giving my 3 (now 4) year old language on dealing with a little sibling. There’s one about playtime being different with a little sibling and one about “time for you and baby too.” And there’s one about playing together. </p> <p>We also keep a pack n play in the living room that our 18 month old hangs out in sometimes while I do something with just the 4 year old. I put in a bunch of his favorite toys and he’s cool for 20-30 minutes. Then I do something super intentional with DD. This sounds so harsh but I think it really helps her to see me ignoring him sometimes while I focus just on her, even if it’s for 10 minutes. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2783047 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 14:56:55 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2783047@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: She can be upset and her needs are still being met. She may lash out but she still knows from your day to day that you still love her infinitely. That's why she feels she can lash out. My older one told me to take her to live somewhere else (so she could get her way) this weekend. Also within the past week or so: "we live in the perfect family." They're little, this is what they do I suppose. There has always been a lot of "sportscasting" in our house and I find that helps dd feel supported, even if I'm not changing the course of action or scolding her brother. </p> <p> I only ever did therapy for PPD and I didn't like going but even in the short while that I did, it did help.</p> <p>Fwiw as others have said having physical spaces just for my older one has helped a lot. She has a desk full of stuff her brother can't do, and she goes up to that room for quite some time at times. The kids also do a lot of bigger toy or sensory activities together outside, or just are out there at the same time and tolerate each other (and everything else it seems) better out there. As far as tv goes we've always let the older one pick and if the younger one happens to watch some that's fine and if not that's ok too.. only recently has he had any say- he's now two. We also assist him in following many of the same rules dd has to follow.. sometimes not so much because he understands but so that she understands that we demand certain behaviors from her but as time goes on she will also be able to expect the same from her sibling/s.</p> <p>Last thing I would say has helped my kids be close is room sharing, but that's a whole other topic. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2783019 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 13:41:29 +0000 Mrsbells 2783019@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I have a 5 year old and 13 month old. I do teach her to be independent and tell her to choose something she would like to do while I change DS diaper etc. I also get her involved in tasks so she doesnt feel left out </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2783008 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 13:27:33 +0000 Anagram 2783008@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, sometimes I still strap my giant 2 year old to my back while I cook, because she needs attention and to be close to me, but I need to get dinner ready. Surprisingly she still tolerates it. And the older one gets a stool next to me and an easy job (like stirring potatoes with olive oil and some seasonings in a bowl). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782998 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 13:14:00 +0000 Anagram 2782998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: hey lady! One good thing---you are really close to the youngest being able to play a bit more. We were in a stage similar to what you are describing for a long time (like a year or longer), but now that my youngest is a couple months past two, her imaginative play is starting to take off, and her dexterity is better so she's finally starting to build rather than break.....and now I can leave my two girls to play together for sometimes 30 minutes before they start squabbling/hitting and need me to be there to referee.</p> <p>I honestly think from all your posts that you have a higher maintenance older girl (and being high maintenance doesn't mean she's not amazing and it's not something you "did".)-- I have a high maintenance DD2, and I think you are really hard on yourself. You said your oldest will get over these things fairly quickly, but you'll stew all weekend. Fwiw, you seem like a great mom and how you describe your kids all seems totally typical to me, so the fact that you worry so much over all this is something that might be worth exploring in therapy. You've mentioned issues with your mom before, and maybe those issues are seeping in here.</p> <p>Balancing two kids needs perfectly all the time is impossible. There's not a parent in the world that can do this without a crying child or a destroyed block tower occasionally. You just need to give yourself a little grace--and your oldest one, too. I have to be honest, I think the older kids are totally justified in being angry when their younger sibling messes up something they are playing with. I don't expect my oldest to "get over it"--I imagine if I were making dinner and my husband came in and threw it on the floor, and told me "hey, don't worry, you can always make another one", I'd probably pick up the dirty food from the floor and put it in the pockets of his work trousers out of spite. I certainty wouldn't just go make a second dinner. Your older daughter's behavior seem very appropriate for a 4 year old. Even her higher level of neediness seems in the range of normal--my 2nd is a very needy girl compared to her older sister, and they've been patented the same.</p> <p>Hang in there, mama. It gets easier soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782976 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 12:35:24 +0000 skipra 2782976@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was just thinking of this thread as I was doing a puzzle with my 5 year old. His 1 year old brother came over and started pulling it apart. The response was, that's ok. I'll just get another puzzle for him to pull apart. Problem solved.<br /> I really feel like it would be most helpful to work with your older LO's response to younger LO rather than forcing independent play. It seems that you don't see them much during the week and they both really want your attention on the weekend. So give it to them with the expectation that they learn to play with each other. When my second was small, we did a lot of repeating of things like, "we can always rebuild it!" when baby knocked down blocks or whatever. And just always remind that she is still a baby, still learning, needs bigger LO to teach her, etc.<br /> Sorry this is so rambling. I hope I am not misreading the situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782955 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 11:38:04 +0000 katsupgirl 2782955@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Foodnerd81: I always take pictures. It's hilarious to see the big kid in the baby jail and the baby roaming wild and free. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782918 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 09:19:41 +0000 snowjewelz 2782918@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Following along! I have an almost 3 and almost 1 year old and I see this happening too when it's just me &amp; them! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782893 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 07:52:24 +0000 Foodnerd81 2782893@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@katsupgirl: oh good point- we still have a “baby jail” (enclosed gates play yard thing) in the living room, where my older one can play if she wants to build with blocks and not let the little one knock them over. We are all in the room but her creations are protected. It does take up a lot of space though- we also use it to protect a large window in there anyway. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782885 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 07:25:53 +0000 katsupgirl 2782885@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a 14 month old (DS) and a 5 year old (DD). We don't have a ton of space. Two things we've done. </p> <p>1) we still have the lotus travel crib up and DD will sometimes zip herself in to play with dolls or build stuff so DS can't get them. It was her idea. </p> <p>2) we used the play kitchen as a diagonal wall between the couch and the media console. DS plays with the kitchen and DD plays in the little space created. She can set her dolls up on the console and hand things to him through the kitchen. </p> <p>Everyone is in the same room doing their own thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782882 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 07:01:45 +0000 Modern Daisy 2782882@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My boys are the same age and our 4yos are very similar. We use a portable DVD player with the 4yo so he can watch a movie while nursery rhymes are on the TV. And it's a struggle sometimes to get them to play together but we found a few activities that work for our family and we stick to them. Playing in the yard works. Going to our gym (with childcare) is great. Play dates are hit and miss but we try anyway. I've actually started disciplining the 4yo for being too demanding of my attention. He's old enough to understand now that I can't give him 100% of my attention (and shouldn't have to either!) so we talk about it and I set him up with an activity or show him how he can be involved in what I'm doing and if he refuses to let things work nicely then he gets a timeout or things taken away. Its been very effective and for the first time in his whole life he's started to play by himself every once in a while! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782878 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 04:21:38 +0000 Cherrybee 2782878@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: you hit the nail on the head when you say that their play needs are just incompatible right now. I will think on how I could gate off an area, without ostracising E. Poor little thing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782877 Mon, 30 Oct 2017 03:17:28 +0000 Cherrybee 2782877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsBucky: that looks looks fantastic. Thanks for recommending. I commute on the train now so have an hr a day to read! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782864 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 19:37:51 +0000 threeplusme 2782864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I used the advice to make a point of saying things like, "ok baby you need to wait since i need to help your big brothers" Obviously there were times the baby couldnt wait but i made a point saying phrases like that when my younger one was fine. Even going out of my way to at least make it sound like they all were having to wait, take turn, etc. I think it helped. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782860 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 18:49:20 +0000 nana87 2782860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What about setting up art or sensory activities that would be safe for S but still engaging for E? Our daycare has a mixed age infant/toddler class and I get lots of ideas about activities from them, like:<br /> -collages with contact paper; E could cut images out of magazines or you could use things like feathers, poms, leaves from outside since it’s fall, etc<br /> - ooblek (cornstarch and water) and plastic figurines; I’ve made this and just put it in a pie tin for R to play with, along with paintbrushes and she “cleans” the animals<br /> -bins w soapy/bubbly water, lentils, rice, or other sensory materials and various plastic or wooden toys. R likes to wash toys like baby dolls. Ooh recently daycare used jello in the sensory table and E thought it was the best thing ever<br /> -dot markers<br /> -stickers<br /> I’m struggling to come up with more ideas now, but Pinterest is always helpful! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782859 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 18:34:00 +0000 MrsBucky 2782859@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: my therapist recently recommended “Parenting from the inside out” to me. I can’t speak to it yet, as it’s on my library hold list, but maybe see if you can find the audiobook for your commute even? And therapy isn’t crazy to consider for you. I’ve been really grateful for that outlet for myself and I think it has seriously helped me become a better, less reactive parent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782854 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 16:38:01 +0000 Silva 2782854@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, I'd reiterate that its okay for E to be pissed and unhappy about the situation. Acknowledge how she's feeling, but affirm the boundary. Find ways to reconnect with her emotionally so that you aren't left feeling totally beaten down by her expression of her feelings. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782853 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 16:36:41 +0000 Silva 2782853@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>is there a way to set up your house so that E can be near you but have a protected play space? my daughter is 4.5 and my son is just over 1 now. They are in totally different play stages- the older one wants to set up complex stories and small world play, and the younger one literally only wants to pick things up and throw them. Its completely incompatible. The way our house is set up I was able to put some of her stuff in one room (and she can bring other toys in there), and his stuff in another room. The rooms are separated by the kitchen so I can be in there doing whatever, but they are both technically next to me. You could set up something similar with those baby gate things- like make a pen?<br /> Otherwise, we are outside as much as possible. As for encouraging independent play, try scheduling it so she comes to expect it? And start with small expectations? If I play with my daughter for 10 minutes or so, and then start tidying something nearby, she will often just keep going by herself. She rarely wants to go play by herself in her room, but if she can see me/ ask me to watch her do things periodically she's much more content.</p> <p>That said, it sounds like your kid has some unique needs and it sounds very challenging. You are doing a great job, truly. And therapy never hurts anyone, so you could always give it a shot and see how it goes. Parenting is relentless and exhausting and overwhelming at times. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782849 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 15:37:30 +0000 Cherrybee 2782849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: yes, you're 100% on the money there. I have always found their big emotions, especially crying, very very hard to deal with. E's tantrums are minor (a bit of stamping, a few growls and a pouty face for five minutes, with the odd hitting a wall/throwing a toy or an extra growl to try to get me to stop ignoring said tantrum) and she recovers really quickly. It's me that obsesses about it for days, swinging wildly between being angry with her for being so unreasonable and being angry with myself for not meeting my child's needs. Maybe I need the therapy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782848 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 15:31:00 +0000 Cherrybee 2782848@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ShootingStar: that's exactly how I handle it - but then I feel awful that the answer is "accept your sister trashing your game or go play it by yourself". E usually picks the leaving the room option, then acts like she expected me to go with her. Then I feel awful. Basically, I spend a lot of time feeling awful! </p> <p>It's good to hear that others have the same challenges and handle them in similar ways. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782847 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 15:28:13 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2782847@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've been following along with this post and after thinking about it, I just think your older child needs to be able to feel the "big feelings" and learn to process it better, within the boundaries YOU set, not her. My first two are three years apart and my older one is my more intense one for sure, so I get that it's exhausting and difficult. I may be way off base here but it seems like maybe you judge yourself based on their crying/E's tantrums, and making sure she never is upset IMO is just not your responsibility. If she really is just unable to recover from a tantrum I agree that therapy is a good idea, or at least just getting her checked out. It can't hurt. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782845 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 15:06:23 +0000 ShootingStar 2782845@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have two that have a similar gap to yours. I will admit, my older one is not as intense as E is. But we have similar problems with my 14m old trying to steal the almost 4 year old toys while he’s playing with them. There are a few things we do. One is that I tell DS to give her something else and see if that helps. I sometimes will tell him that he can choose to deal with her and hang out with everyone, or he can take his toy and play in his room with no one to bother him. He always chooses to stay. His last option is he can sit at the kitchen table and color or use stickers and I will gate her away from him. </p> <p>I do not punish the toddler, I tell them both that we don’t take things from each other and that we share toys in our house. And if they can’t find a way to share it’ll go in time out. </p> <p>I also think E needs some boundary setting. If she wants you to watch her show, tell her no. If she complains tell her she can watch by herself or the show will get turned off. </p> <p>And if DS threw a tantrum about taking turns with books I’d give him a timeout. I know that’s not a popular solution but it’s effective for us. To me that behavior is not ok and natural consequences aren’t always strong enough with a spirited child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782841 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 14:45:38 +0000 Cherrybee 2782841@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks everyone.</p> <p>Reading this back - and reading the comments - I realise that this is just another post about how intense E is and how exhausting it all is. </p> <p>@Foodnerd81: yes, fingers crossed we will get out of this stage quickly. I can already see a glimmer of hope on the rare occasion they play together for a few minutes.....</p> <p>@skipra: the timer idea will work brilliantly once S understands the timer. Right now, she interrupts E's time by being wild, jumping on us, grabbing the book.... and E wants to see swift and tough justice 😂 Great idea about doing an activity where S can be strapped into her high chair, I'm going to try that next weekend. </p> <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: S is a crap napper. We get 30mins if we are lucky. But she's a happy soul so I don't mind so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782822 Sun, 29 Oct 2017 08:17:58 +0000 Shantuck 2782822@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a 5.5 year old and an 11 month old so not exactly in the same boat yet but we recently got the 5.5 year old kids headphones for his tablet and he loves playing on it by himself now. Also, a friend of mine had two close in age (not exactly the same problem) who often fought so she gave each kid a small bin that they could put any toys they wanted in. The other kid was not allowed to touch the contents of that bin. She said it really helped reduced the fights in their house as each kid had certain protected toys that their sibling couldn’t touch or mess up. Just a thought. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782803 Sat, 28 Oct 2017 20:11:53 +0000 maddyz 2782803@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What a juggle!</p> <p>I second Janet Lansbury for advice on independent play.</p> <p>If i haven't been around enough or giving ds1 direct attention he hurts his brother (ds1 2.5 ds2 13 months). They are both pretty good independent players but i have to make sure they both feel full up of Mommy love. It's sometimes so hard for me to get out of a negitive loop.</p> <p>Something that really changes ds1s mood/behavior is if i remember to acknowledge good behavior. Even if it's a tiny thing, whatever i can find. It helps change my mind about how i am seeing him and if helps him continue to make gentle choices. It's so hard to get myself out of the frustrated cross place. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782791 Sat, 28 Oct 2017 19:11:05 +0000 Foodnerd81 2782791@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: you know my kids are close to your kids ages, and my C is similar to E in her lack of easy going- ness. </p> <p>I don’t have great advice, really, but some hope to offer- G is 22 months now and I would say in the last two months or so she has started listening to books so much better. It’s made reading to both of them so much easier. </p> <p>I also echo getting out of the house. We have a playground nearby that I don’t have to hover over G and can just watch both kids playing. And that’s another thing coming really soon for S, she’s almost at an age where you won’t have to be right on top of her. Also I have purchased duplicates of some toys to avoid fights. </p> <p>C still does quiet time during G’s nap time. I tried dropping it and we would have special time to do a craft or read or whatever, but really we both needed the break. Now she has to play quietly or read or rest in her room for an hour until her clock wakes up. I take the hour to rest, chores, and recharge before they get up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782789 Sat, 28 Oct 2017 18:47:38 +0000 skipra 2782789@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>To echo pp, definitely try to get out as much as you can handle, take advantage of nap time for 1:1 time with your oldest, and whenever you are doing something that required turn taking or transitioning, set a timer. For example, I will read your books for # minutes. When the timer goes off we will finish up and then I will read to See for the same # minutes.<br /> Also how about things that they might both enjoy like playing toddler music and having a dance party? Or you can do art time with your younger LO in the high chair so you can be more hands on with your older LO. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782787 Sat, 28 Oct 2017 18:32:03 +0000 petitenoisette 2782787@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ok I fully admit I'm still cooking LO2 so I have no personal experience to share. </p> <p>However, it sounds like what she needs the most help with is learning how to handle her emotions. It's fine to be jealous or to want your attention or have whatever emotion but her way of dealing with the emotions is not appropriate. I was talking with coworkers this week about problems they were having with their kids not handling their emotions in appropriate ways and one of my coworkers has seen a lot of improvement in her child through therapy. It's play based therapy and she says her kid loves going. I also think it might be up her alley because it would be one on one adult attention. </p> <p>Anyway just a thought, I hope things improve soon and I'm glad at least your second child sounds a bit easier! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782725 Sat, 28 Oct 2017 09:15:20 +0000 bees_knees 2782725@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>+1 to carving out a special 1:1 mommy time. Whether it be during a nap, or after S goes to bed, or whatever. My kids (thank God) are happy to play independently more than it sounds like E is, but it still always always helps if they have recently had their “mommy bucket” filled. Maybe it would help if you set a timer so E has something concrete to look at? Like “ok we are going to read your books for 10 min, and then I’m going to go to an activity with E while you read to yourself for 10 min”. It’s so hard to divide your attention, hang in there!</p> <p>Do you follow Janet Lansbury at all? She has some helpful hints on fostering independent play...I know she has a bit about older children too, but I’ve never read that particular piece. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/balancing-the-very-different-needs-of-an-older-child-and-a-toddler#post-2782721 Sat, 28 Oct 2017 08:59:10 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 2782721@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, you definitely have your hands full! Sending you love and patience!!</p> <p>Does S still nap? Maybe you can plan a special snack with E during S's nap. You kind of get a break (no reading/ playing) and she gets 1:1 mommy time. </p>