https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sat, 18 Apr 2026 07:53:48 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1795834 Sun, 03 Aug 2014 08:58:18 +0000 lizzywiz 1795834@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Meh. My daughter's looks, conventionally good or bad, will be commented on by everyone who passes through her life. It's the way of the world right now, like it or not. I figure I can be one person who doesn't. I don't have any hard and fast rules, and I am not anti words like beautiful, awesome, amazing (that have multifaceted connotations) but I am doing my best to not talk about her attractiveness or weight. Frankly, my relationship with my mother would be waaaaaaaay better if she never, ever commented on my looks again, lol.<br /> The comments about Dad's being an influence were very interesting to me, especially the Bernie Mac thing. Haha, Bernie Mac, my new parenting guru! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1795831 Sun, 03 Aug 2014 08:50:15 +0000 lizzywiz 1795831@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17: thanks for your post. I often say things like, 'You're so strong,' and it would be easy to reframe it to, 'You're really trying hard,' or whatever. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794931 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 20:59:02 +0000 cmomma17 1794931@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I have to be honest, you totally lost me with the socks example :silly: And my step kids wear mismatched socks every day, it's the in thing apparently! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794783 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 18:00:07 +0000 Boopers 1794783@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17: I'm glad you mentioned that here! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794751 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 17:29:27 +0000 simplyfelicity 1794751@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17: This is really interesting and something I would like to use with my students, thanks for sharing! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794729 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 16:44:04 +0000 Greentea 1794729@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17: yes, thank you for commenting! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794700 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 16:07:35 +0000 jedeve 1794700@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have boys, but if I had a daughter I would tell her she is beautiful. I think it's good for self esteem, and I day that as an awkward kid who didn't hear it much!</p> <p>I do tell my boys they are handsome. I think they deserve to hear it too. </p> <p>Slightly different, but sometimes I get kind of tired how much people praise my kid. I was thinking about how annoying it would be as an adult. Like if you asked a friend to go shoot hoops and they commented after every single one. Or if you were in a book club and you wanted to talk about the plot and everyone just said good job for reading it. </p> <p>When my son is playing, I notice he doesn't want to talk about how well he kicked the ball. He wants to talk about his far it went, or if there are clouds, or what color the grass is. </p> <p>I just want my kids to know they are loved unconditionally. Not because they are handsome or smart or anything. And I want them to feel confident in all of their abilities </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794699 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 16:07:14 +0000 TemperanceBrennan 1794699@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This kind of seems like it could tetter into yet another mommy-war topic. I think the writer took a few of the things she's cites out of context a little bit. </p> <p>Like the OP mentions, everything in moderation. There's no reason to ban the word beautiful, but if parents shouldn't focus on one just one aspect of their children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794692 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 15:56:38 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1794692@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17: I Googled...I think I have a firm grasp on how to give praise now. Even the "beautiful" comment could get a face lift. "You look pretty with purple socks." This would be said to a child who normally wore miss matched socks. A+ for me? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794675 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 15:37:06 +0000 Kimberlybee 1794675@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Beautiful is such a wonderful word and I would never want to omit that word from our household forever. I want her to know how beautiful she is just as she is, no matter what the beauty trend is at the time. I will also emphasize the importance of being strong, independent, smart, and kind and give high praises of her character but not to the point of exaggeration. It's also nice to hear compliments from strangers every once in a while. They will only go by the outward appearance because that's all they have to go on. A polite "thank you" will be our response.</p> <p>I will also teach my daughter that inner beauty and kindness are also very important and necessary. I hope to teach her that 1) beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and also 2) beauty is as beauty does. </p> <p>As far as princess toys and barbies, if DD gravitates towards that, we will definitely accommodate her requests within reason and within budget. I view it as a fun pastime and her childhood toys won't define her character. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794661 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 15:25:04 +0000 cmomma17 1794661@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Not to be a downer, but I'd caution every parent who thinks it's better to call a girl "smart" than "beautiful." Telling a child (not just a girl) "you're so smart" can actually have negative affects. Do a quick google of "person vs. process praise." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word/page/2#post-1794568 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 14:18:01 +0000 .twist. 1794568@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm surprised at how many people say that boys don't get the same treatment. </p> <p>I have 3 sons. Two of them are older (7&amp;10) and my biological son is 1 year. I have never once heard a stranger say that my son was smart or clever or would be a strong sports player. </p> <p>The only comments my son gets are "he is so handsome", "look at his beautiful eyes", "oh my goodness he is just adorable/cute/precious/lovely". </p> <p>Neither of my two step kids have ever gotten comments about smarts or cleverness (which they are to both). But we have managed to get incredibly awkward comments of "cute like your mom". </p> <p>I agree with @keepcalmcarrie: , That is all they see/know of my kids, poor them. </p> <p>I dressed and acted like a tomboy but I freaking LOVED barbies and pretending to be a princess in the privacy of my own home. No one taught me one way or the other, it was just what I liked and did. I'm actually much more girly in my adult life than I ever was as a child. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1794446 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 13:37:54 +0000 Maysprout 1794446@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSCB: Exactly. I think it's great to focus on strength and smarts and know those are more important but that's not what everyone is going to focus on. Comments are going to happen about beauty (or lack of) and as a parent I'd rather set the stage for at least some support and confidence. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1794103 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 11:25:40 +0000 NovBaby1112 1794103@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I loved the article and agree! I call my daughter beautiful all the time- as well as smart, funny, strong, sweet. To me, the word "beautiful" does not only apply to outward appearances, but inside beauty as well. My mom used to tell me all the time that I was just as beautiful on the inside as I was on the outside- and it made me feel very confident and valued. When I call my daughter beautiful, I mean her whole being is beautiful. I think not telling your daughter she is beautiful or pretty is a shame. I also emphasize smarts and intelligence as well, but I see nothing wrong with telling her how pretty or beautiful I find her :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793995 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 10:49:24 +0000 MrsSCB 1793995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with this and think it's important to compliment kids on their looks AND their intelligence. I think it's a nice idea to say, "I'm only ever going to talk about how smart my daughter is so she values that above all else," but the reality is physical appearance will always play a part in a persin's confidence, man or woman. I love when my husband tells me I look pretty but it doesn't make me feel like he values my brain any less.</p> <p>@Maysprout: your last sentence is something I've thought about before. I actually saw a Bernie Mac stand up in which he talked about telling his young daughter she's beautiful. He said something like, "that way when she gets older she won't go for the first dumbass who tells her she looks pretty. She'll just say, 'yeah, and? My daddy tells me that every day!'" Kind of silly but I think it speaks to a deeper issue of building all kinds of confidence :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793977 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 10:41:27 +0000 Maysprout 1793977@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'll be complimenting my daughters on everything, including their beauty. I was a smart tomboy and I feel like it would have helped my self confidence a lot to know someone, even if it was just family, found me a little pretty. I really felt that I wasn't since I didn't wear makeup or overly feminine clothes. So it kinda left me feeling thankful and surprised if a guy did pay attention - and it's not always the top notch guys who are super straightforward. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793932 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 10:26:03 +0000 Applesandbananas 1793932@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sorrycharlie: this. My parents, especially my dad, told me I was beautiful, inside and out. I think it was helpful to my self-esteem (though I still struggle with body image, though maybe everyone does to some degree). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793906 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 10:06:54 +0000 sorrycharlie 1793906@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: same.</p> <p>I posted this on my facebook, and a friend said that one of the most important things her mom did was tell her she was beautiful every day. she said that made her feel great inside and out, and built her self-esteem. she didn't go around thinking she deserved the world because she was beautiful, but felt confident in herself and strong as a person!</p> <p>I have a fair amount of background in feminism, stereotyping, etc - a good chunk of my graduate classes covered all the bases - and I still think it's important to build a good basis of self-esteem. That includes inside and out. I want my daughter to believe she is beautiful, no matter what she wears, does or looks like, so that someone else can't easily convince her she is not worthy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793885 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 09:49:53 +0000 keepcalmcarrie 1793885@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Trailmix: I liked that article a lot too. </p> <p>I guess the beautiful/handsome comments just come naturally to me, like when he finally kept sunglasses on yesterday and I was over the top: "J, you look so handsome, what a cool dude" etc etc. I say stuff like that in addition to compliments about other things, like smarts and humor and all that jazz. And, like PP, I don't mind when strangers only comment on his looks. That's all they know about him, poor them ;)</p> <p>But I'm sure your background definitely makes you more aware of the issues surrounding these comments, and that's a good thing. If I have a daughter someday, I might feel differently. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793472 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 06:12:43 +0000 Trailmix 1793472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@keepcalmcarrie: I actually have a son too :silly: (They're twins). And while I don't really tell him he's beautiful/handsome/etc either, that's mostly bc it's not my style, vs the conscious decision I've made about commenting on my daughter's appearance. There was an article going around a few years ago called How To Talk To Little Girls (<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html</a>) and I found it really helpful in articulating some of my issues around the ways in which appearances and femininity are bound up.<br /> I'm also a women's studies major working on a doctorate dissertation in critical race and gender issues in PE so these types of issues are my jam and I'm probably more hyper conscious of them than most!m :grin: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793437 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 04:47:21 +0000 Mrs. Lemon-Lime 1793437@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Adira: @shopaholic: I feel the same way, that this only - beautiful comments is not a parent issue. </p> <p>Parents are exposed to the full being of a child and can give praise on lots of things the child is and does. Strangers tend to comment on a girl's appearance and affinity toward materialism with remarks like diva, princess, and spoiled without even knowing much about the child. Where as boys immediately receive comments or inquiries about their skills in sports and cleverness. When I say strangers, I am including well-meaning friends and family.</p> <p>@Trailmix: I hear you. In fact if given a choice between thought of pretty/ smart/ or funny, I would choose smart every time. Where I disagree is that girls, really all children, that do not meet the mainstream's definition of beauty need to here their appearance is beautiful or handsome. Sometimes what is left unsaid can be just as damaging as what is said. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793418 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 03:04:53 +0000 shopaholic 1793418@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I liked this article. I also hate all the princess hate. I think they need to hear it all. We tell her she is pretty, beautiful, smart, kind, honest, ethical, etc. all the time. </p> <p>I think for strangers to comment - well, of course they'll usually comment something about appearances, because they've seen your kid for a few seconds. That's it. It's meant to be nice, and I think it's nice to just say Thank You. Imagine every time you gave a compliment, the person tried to correct you or get on some kind of mini-soapbox about the compliment. Yeesh! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793413 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 02:33:49 +0000 Kimberlybee 1793413@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Very true, I totally agree! Beauty is much more than looks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793410 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 02:23:31 +0000 Cherrybee 1793410@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I really loved this article and I think the writer makes some very valid points. </p> <p>I'm firmly in the not-commenting-exclusively-on-looks camp and if a stranger calls my daughter pretty I usually say "Thank you! She's really clever too!" or something to that effect. I despise the princess culture (although E wears pink sometimes because, umm, why not?!). </p> <p>But beauty isn't just about your looks - it's something that glows within you and it comes from kindness, integrity and joy; being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin. This article reminds me that if I don't teach my daughter that she's beautiful, just as she is, then the world will define beauty for her and tell her what she needs to do to achieve it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793402 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 01:40:16 +0000 AprilFool 1793402@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Beautiful is not a bad word but it is if it is the only word they hear. Yes they can love princesses and be smart but they need to hear that too :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793384 Fri, 01 Aug 2014 00:22:07 +0000 sarac 1793384@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Trailmix: I'm with you. I make a point to only complement my daughter on things under her control. So I mention that she's so strong, so brave, so funny. But I want to build up her self esteem around who she is, not just around how pretty she is. And it looks like she will be really conventionally attractive, so I hope to avoid that message. </p> <p>Women in this country are encouraged to draw an enormous amount of self worth from their looks, mostly the ones they can't really change. I'm really hoping to help steer my daughter away from that stuff.</p> <p>I also don't care one way or another what she plays with. The issue is, as always, the message. Are the girly toys presented along with 'boy' toys like blocks, trains, trucks? Is the message that all the toys are for everyone, and that 'girl' and 'boy' toys are just a silly, made up thing? If so, great. But I don't see that often. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793348 Thu, 31 Jul 2014 22:50:44 +0000 fairy 1793348@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Love it! :) All in moderation, definitely! I can see how it can go to some kids' heads if their appearance is always the focus, but I don't think it is harmful to tell your daughter she is beautiful if you also praise her hard work and good deeds as well. And I LOOOOVED Barbies and princesses but also Xmen action figures and videogames lol and I think I was pretty well-rounded. I think people sometimes think too much into some of the toys/media when it is just innocent fun for kids. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793336 Thu, 31 Jul 2014 22:33:17 +0000 mamimami 1793336@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Trailmix: haha I was about to launch into the attitudes of today's young women and the effect on all the advances made by feminists in previous decades but I deleted it. I feel you. (although I don't totally avoid commenting on my kids' appearances.) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793279 Thu, 31 Jul 2014 21:47:05 +0000 keepcalmcarrie 1793279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Trailmix: I respect your opinion, but I'm curious - if you have or had a son, would you ever tell him he looked handsome? I tell my son he is beautiful/handsome/the cutest all the time, and I don't worry about him thinking that defines him or is what makes him valuable as a person. I think I'd feel the same with a daughter. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/beautiful-is-not-a-bad-word#post-1793276 Thu, 31 Jul 2014 21:44:17 +0000 Mrs. Oatmeal 1793276@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like the article. For me, self-esteem has always been a huge battle, and being called 'beautiful' or 'pretty' was never really something that I heard. I vowed that if I ever had a little girl, she would KNOW that she was beautiful, and that God created her beautifully. </p> <p>I don't think that beautiful and smart are mutually exclusive. Everything in moderation is key! </p>