https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 05 May 2026 04:54:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-266159 Wed, 22 Aug 2012 01:03:04 +0000 coruscations 266159@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Coco Bee: Thank you for sharing your experience and for the encouragement!</p> <p>@photojane: The arrangement with your grandmother sounds like exactly the kind of thing I'm hoping to achieve. The problem is that we live far away so it's going to be hard to set those boundaries because whenever we see her it's for a week or so, since we have to travel. She's going to want to stay with us when she visits and I am dreading it. I don't know if I can even tell her to stay in a hotel without causing a blowout. She threw a huge fit when I told her in the nicest way possible that I didn't want her to be here for the birth and that she should visit a few months later instead. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-266012 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 19:20:52 +0000 photojane 266012@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i'm so sorry you're going through this!</p> <p>like a few others have mentioned, my mom was raised in an abusive home of alcoholics. she moved out as soon as she could, and spent many years separated from her parents. as her parents got a little older and divorced, they both changed their behaviors and memories in much the same way your mom has. while my grandfather never had much to do with us, my grandmother now wanted to be involved in my mom's life and subsequently with her children. in order to prevent a catastrophic blow out (like you've mentioned), she just allowed my grandmother to participate in our lives in small ways that were very controlled. my mom was always around if my grandmother was around, and we never spent longer than an hour or two with her at a time. </p> <p>this set-up with my mom's self-implemented rules really worked for us. my grandmother got to spend time with her daughter and grandchildren, and we had the experience of having a grandmother. </p> <p>we never had any idea there was a problem. i didn't know about my mothers abuse until i was much, much older. in fact, i didn't know about the worst of it until six months ago. i still don't think my brothers know (at least the extent of it). now that my grandmother is dead, i am very thankful for those years i had with her -- for the laughter, fun, and doting of my grandmother. sure, i hate what happened to my mom, and it makes me sick to think that my grandmother allowed it to happen.... but that wasn't the grandmother i knew. i am also EXTREMELY proud of my mom for her maturity and selflessness in the situation. she is a strong, wonderful woman despite all she's had to endure!</p> <p>of course, you have to make the decision that makes you and your husband most comfortable. i just wanted to say that maybe if you and your husband were to put rules and guidelines in place for time with grandma then you might be able to appease your mom without a blow out. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-266002 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 19:05:22 +0000 Mrs. Pen 266002@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>oh my goodness.. my heart broke reading this. I'm sooo sorry about how you grew up. Even though you said that you've dealt with it - the pain never really goes away. I'm so sorry. </p> <p>I can't say I relate; I was the generation that my mom was trying to do better because her mom and grandma had messed up so badly. My mom was emotionally abused (idk if physically, she doesn't talk much about her childhood), was raised by alcoholics who chose to live in a terrible neighborhood where my mom and her siblings were beat up nearly every day... They were no rules really and they were often left on their own. It was really hard for her. I know she still struggles with it. Thankfully her mother did change as she grew up, and as my mom had kids. So we didn't have an issue with our grandma and had a great relationship with her.</p> <p>My mom did keep a lot of this a secret until I was in my teens, I was shocked to find out how things were for her as a kid. My great-grandma was even worse, as her parents were awful too. So it was a whole line that was passed down. I ended up having a good relationship with everyone because the truth was hidden from me.</p> <p>But my mom kind of over-compensated in trying to be a good parent that at times she was over-protective or too strict, not letting us do many normal things. Although definitely not as extreme as the flip side it still carries some emotional baggage. After learning WHY she was like that though, allows me to have a lot of grace and forgiveness for her and we do have an amazing relationship. </p> <p>I guess that was long and pointless because I have no advice... so sorry lol but I guess I kinda understand and kind of don't. But I feel for you I guess is what I'm trying to say - because I saw my mom go through that and saw how hard it was. She was always questioning whether she was a good/bad mom even moreso I think. Which is hard to see as a kid, that your mom doesn't think she's good enough... well even harder as an adult. She blames herself a lot. It's sad.</p> <p>Thanks for being open enough here to share with us - this is a great supportive community if nothing else. </p> <p>I'm looking forward to following more of your pregnancy and parenting journey if you're willing to share :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265993 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 18:48:30 +0000 coruscations 265993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jedeve: @mountainmama: Thank you. I'm really excited to be a mom and I'm not worried about my ability to be a good one. I feel like every other expectant mother in every way except for my relationship with my parents. </p> <p>@mountainmama: If I try to discuss this with my mother, nothing productive will happen and she will throw fits and be even more difficult to deal with. She would never admit that she is wrong about anything, and she will not take responsibility for the past or work on becoming the kind of person I want my children to spend time with. I will always be the bad guy in the situation, in her eyes and everyone else's. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265971 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 18:10:58 +0000 Silva 265971@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@coruscations: I can't speak from personal experience on this topic, but I did want to say how much I admire you for writing your story and sharing it. </p> <p>I currently work in a residential facility for pregnant or parenting young women who have mental health or substance use issues. Most, if not all, of my clients have stories similar to yours. Becoming mothers themselves, often at young ages and without much positive social support, is no easy feat and I see them fight similar battles daily.</p> <p>Regarding your relationship with your mother, what are you worried might happen if you do have a conversation with her about your fears of including her in your child's lives? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265968 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 18:07:40 +0000 jedeve 265968@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom was raised by abusive parents, and she was a wonderful mother. I'm sure you will be too! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265932 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 17:12:36 +0000 coruscations 265932@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you so much everyone for your responses so far! </p> <p>@Highwire, thank you for sharing, and yes, we are due at the same time! I would love to talk more. I can't figure out, can you send PMs here?</p> <p>@jumpingjacks, so true that our obligation is to the safety of our family and not protecting our parents. I'm less concerned about keeping my mom happy than I used to be, but I still try to be careful with what I say to her because I know she's an over-reactor and can make my life hell.</p> <p>I've seen therapists in the past to deal with my childhood, and I feel I've successfully moved on. I don't want to dredge up the past anymore. I have tried several times in the past several years to address things with my mother, and it was always a disaster. Trying to cut her out of my life would be even more of a disaster.</p> <p>This would actually be easier if my mother were still angry and unpleasant all the time, but now that I'm pregnant she has been contacting me constantly and excitedly offering up lots of unsolicited advice. It just makes me sad and incredulous that she actually thinks she was a good parent. It pisses me off that she is able to forget and absolve herself of the past, and I'm the one who has to carry that burden.<br /> Unfortunately we don't have any other family nearby and I don't have any motherly figures in my life. My MIL is deceased, sadly, but she was a wonderful woman and our children will be raised to know her legacy. </p> <p>Another question, for those of you in this situation, what do you tell your LOs about your parents? My children will know from an early age that my father is not in the picture, but I don't know what to say to them about my mother, if anything. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265905 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:40:04 +0000 MsLipGloss 265905@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Highwire: ((Hugs)). I truly hope you are able to find peace, too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265901 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:35:37 +0000 DillonLion 265901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MsLipGloss: "It does make me sad when I am reminded that I can't go to my mom and trust her to respond in a supportive manner (it is a work in progress, but she has really surprised me with some of her (negative) reactions during this pregnancy), which reminds me that some things, while they may mellow slightly, don't change."</p> <p>This. Exactly. I'm seeing a professional to deal with this right now. I'm hoping it will help me find some peace. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265896 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:31:01 +0000 MsLipGloss 265896@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Coruscations: I am really sorry that you are going through this . . . I think pregnancy can be a really lonely time for women (it has been for me at times), and having family/mom issues on top of it just makes it that much more isolating. While I think my home life was fairly healthy and normal, there are definitely some residual issues from my childhood (with my mom), and I have had a hard time trying to figure out how to deal with those issues. Not having anyone to really talk to (other than my DH) has made it that much worse. I have seriously considered talking to a professional, in an effort to avoid unnecessarily airing dirty--and very private--laundry, but am still on the fence about that option. </p> <p>Part of my situation is easier due to geographic distance between my mom and I . . . although I (and DH) will still be watching for the signals coming from my mom or from LO that indicate any sign of distress and/or dysfunction. It is such a difficult place to be! And it has really worn on me mentally (and physically) during this pregnancy. </p> <p>@Highwire: Thank you so much for sharing. If I were to address my childhood issues with my mom, I would surely (a) break her heart (I am sure she remembers it much differently, although there are moments when she admits she *might* have been *insensitive* or that she maybe didn't handle something in the best way), and (b) likely damage our relationship beyond repair and hurt my (great!) relationship with my dad. It does make me sad when I am reminded that I can't go to my mom and trust her to respond in a supportive manner (it is a work in progress, but she has really surprised me with some of her (negative) reactions during this pregnancy), which reminds me that some things, while they may mellow slightly, don't change. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265892 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:28:20 +0000 Mrs.B 265892@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I come from a very similar situation. I grew up with an extremely emotionally and at times physically abusive mother. When I was 5 she divorced my father and was given full custody of my siblings and I. She remarried soon after and continued the abuse. She then started in on religion and forced some very cultish beliefs upon us as children. She even pulled us out of school for 2 years. Why none of this ever got reported is beyond me. Now that I am older and have children of my own I do not speak to my Mother nor do any of my siblings. It has become very obvious that she is suffering from many mental illnesses that she refuses to get help for. She is not part of my childrens life and I plan to keep it that way. I have since reconnected with my Father and he is now dealing with a ton of guilt from leaving us and not fighting her more in court. For a long time I tried to ignore what my Mom had done to us as kids and try to keep her in my life. At some point though I had to address the issues with her and ever since it has been impossible to have any relationship with her. Honestly you will most likely have to address the issues with your Mother. You will need to be honest and up front with her. It will be hard but it's something that will eventually need to be done. You can't hide your feelings froms her for the rest of your life. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265888 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:22:59 +0000 Jumpingjacks 265888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I too wish I had advice for you, because then I could take it too! My mom is great, but it's my Dad I have a problem with. He grew up in a very disfunctional family, which behaved and continues to behave appallingly badly (lying, manipulating, gossiping). Their behaviour &amp; his ended my parents marriage and has caused major problems for me. Like you with your mom, I don't want to talk to him about either. There is no part of me that believes the outcome of doing so would be positive and I resent being put in such a position by him to begin with. I don't think I should have to deal with that kind of stress, especially while pregnant. Neither should you. I try to cope to talking with my DH, a good friend, and occasionally a counselor. I have made the decision to distance myself from my Dad and his family (my aunts/uncles etc.). I am sure they are all resenting me for it and lying and gossiping about me for it, but I try really hard not to care. It's so hard because he's my Dad. I take it day by day and remember that my obligation to myself and to my child (I'm nearly 19 weeks) is to protect us, not my father. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265873 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:12:50 +0000 mrs.earrings 265873@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hi! I don't have any advice myself, but my mother was raised in an abusive home (mostly on the part of her father, but her mother played a part too), and she had many of the same worries you have about becoming a parent herself. She has told me that she did find it hard not being able to use her mother as a resource when we were young (they have a much better relationship now). She was (and is) part of a church and I think the ladies there helped her a lot. And I can vouch that she was and is an incredible mother- She always told us that she wanted to give us the opposite sort of childhood that she had, and she did! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265870 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:09:20 +0000 DillonLion 265870@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Without getting into too many details, I can say that I definitely relate to your struggles. DH and I decided that we did want to discuss our concerns with family and air them out to improve our relationship before the baby arrives, but it did not go well at all. I think you have made a good choice to not bother trying to air out all of your grievances and just stick to your decisions about this. </p> <p>I'm not really sure if I have any advice, but I can relate to the whole notion of feeling sad during pregnancy when most other women grow closer to their mothers during this time. It has been very difficult. Luckily, I have some other people who are very supportive in my life and I've grown closer to them during this period (my MIL and my aunt). Knowing they are there for me has been very soothing. </p> <p>If you want to talk in more detail about any of this, feel free to let me know. I am here. And if you are 25 weeks along, are you due around the end of November/Early December? Me too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-a-parent-after-being-raised-by-abusive-parents#post-265864 Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:01:54 +0000 coruscations 265864@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm a first-time expectant mom (25 weeks pregnant) and I've been lurking here for awhile. I wanted to post here because this is something that I would never discuss with anyone in real life besides my husband. I apologize that this is so heavy and long.</p> <p>Being pregnant for the first time makes most women more understanding and appreciative of their parents and closer to their mothers, but for me it's the opposite. I'm an only child of parents who didn't really want to be parents and weren't good at it. Growing up, our family was not a healthy or loving environment; my parents' marriage was a disaster, there was physical and emotional abuse, and both my parents were distant, angry, and generally immature people. I'm glad to say that I broke free from them and became a much better person than they raised me to be. I now have a wonderful husband and we are so excited to welcome our baby into our loving family. </p> <p>My parents got divorced after I moved out of the house and while I haven't spoken to my father since I graduated from college several years ago, I still have a relationship with my mother. She has always been in denial about the part she played in making my childhood miserable, and I allow her to maintain the illusion that she was/is a good mother. What's done is done, she's not a significant part of my life anymore, and I don't want to cause her extreme pain by severing ties completely. We talk once or twice a month and see each other once a year or so.</p> <p>Since I've become pregnant, all I think about is how much I love my baby and the kind of childhood I want her to have. It makes me feel increasingly resentful towards my parents, especially my mother. Now that I know what it feels like to be a mother, I have even less understanding or sympathy for the choices that she made as a mother. I don't want to talk to her at all. She is excited about her first grandchild and wants to visit us and spend lots of time with the baby after she's born. We actually will really need help with the new baby, but I will not accept it from her. Besides the fact that it's hard for me to spend time with her, I don't trust her to take care of my child. I know that as my husband and I have more children and they get older, my mother will want to spend even more time with them and be a presence in their lives, and I cannot fathom ever trusting her to care for the physical, emotional, or moral well-being of our children. </p> <p>Unfortunately I also cannot fathom ever telling her this. She thinks we have a really close relationship, that she did a great job raising me, and that she will be a wonderful grandparent. I'm fine with letting her think all of these things, but I do not want her to play a role in our children's lives or for them to be influenced by the values that she raised me with (selfishness, lying, being mean to others). So how do I keep her from being a big part of my child's life without telling her the reasons why? Is that even possible?</p> <p>Even if you don't have any advice about this, I would love to hear anyone's experiences of becoming a parent after coming from a less-than-ideal family background. Just because I'm pregnant and still talk to my mom sometimes, people assume that she's a great resource and that we must be close, and that really frustrates me. </p>