https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 26 Jun 2026 20:30:09 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2407235 Sat, 02 Jan 2016 13:35:59 +0000 Torchwood 2407235@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Similar to @catomd00: I'm so aware of not doing things my mom did (mostly being a massive control freak, and yelling a lot) that I'm not super worried it will happen. It does require a conscious effort (I'm naturally a control freak too, though whether that's inherited from her or learned I don't know), but I've taught myself to notice when I do it and to stop and consider if it's something that actually matters. I've also learned ways to work around my issues. Like I get incredibly stressed if plans change, but I'm okay with no plans. So I never let myself think too far ahead in my day, so that if LO suddenly doesn't nap when she should or something it just doesn't bother me. I know I can't always go through life with no plans, but even planning to be flexible helps for some weird reason. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2407041 Sat, 02 Jan 2016 03:50:48 +0000 Mrs Panda 2407041@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: it's hard. I freak out too when I hear my mom in myself. I agree with others here, though - that the awareness of it and desire not to be that way will help keep it in check. I certainly hear you, though. &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2407040 Sat, 02 Jan 2016 03:24:38 +0000 Cherrybee 2407040@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm terrified of turning into my mum..... and its happening, I know it is. :sad: My mum never had any fun with me. I can see now in the way that she is around my LO that she really doesn't like children. They're noisy and unpredictable. I hate that I feel the same, but I know I do. </p> <p>My mum was always so concerned about the house being tidy. I wasn't allowed to make a mess. If I said I was bored, she would reply "look around, there's plenty to do" (meaning cleaning). She would go on these cleaning frenzies.... I used to enjoy joining in because it was nice to do it together but if I couldn't see anything else that needed cleaning and asked what to do next, she'd snap "well if you cant see it, I cant help you". I heard myself say it to DH once - I was appalled :sad: .</p> <p>The other thing my mum couldn't stand was noise.She used to say I was "like a heard of elephants" in my bedroom and to "stop jumping around". I had a keyboard in my bedroom and some headphones to plug into it, but she still used to come up and complain that I was thumping the keys too hard and tell me to stop playing. I was never allowed friends round to play because she said we would disturb the neighbours. We had a play date on Christmas Eve with my friends son and they got very over excited - and I got quite panicky about the noise. I kept telling them to calm down. It reminds me of how she would shush me (and still does) if i got animated telling her something. </p> <p>I hate that Im turning into her. How do you stop it? Its all anxiety related for me and I guess it was for her too. But that doesn't make it any less damaging. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406998 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 23:16:54 +0000 Mrs Panda 2406998@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: just wanted to say that your last line resonated with me so much - you screwed up my childhood, leave my parenthood alone. I used to think that maybe once I had my own kids I would just focus on being the kind of mother i wanted to be and could just leave my mother's criticisms and judgment in my past. How silly of me not to realize that the criticism and judgment would just take on a new dimension. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406994 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 23:12:24 +0000 Mrs Panda 2406994@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for all the replies! So much of what people have said resonates with me and it's reassuring to hear others' stories. </p> <p>Sometimes (often) I feel bad for criticizing my mom because I know it wasn't easy being a single mom and she was doing her best. That said, I don't see any reason for the continued childish, harsh behavior now. Also, she treats everyone this way - her husband, her siblings. </p> <p>DH also tells me that my awareness of it will keep myself from becoming her, but I know that I am by nature impatient and can have a temper. I guess New Years is a good time to reflect on these things and resolve again not to let it get out of control! </p> <p>We were supposed to go over to her place for dinner tomorrow. My third attempt to call, I simply asked if she still wanted us to come. She hung up, so I'm guessing no? :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406991 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 23:05:40 +0000 gingerbebe 2406991@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a difficult relationship with both of my parents. Most of the time I have issues with my dad, but lately its been my mom that I've been super hurt and disappointed by. My brother and I have always worked hard not to become adults like my folks - we're financially responsible, we're in stable, loving relationships, we work hard on communicating with our partners and each other, we strive for stability and peace in our homes and careers. So I think naturally as a parent, I believe I will be different from my parents. But my issue with my parents has manifested in different ways since becoming a mom.</p> <p>I've known my parents are dysfunctional most of my life and I've tried to be understanding (their own upbringing, circumstances, etc.) but once I had my own kid I guess the stakes got higher and my disappointment with them grew deeper. I couldn't imagine doing some of the things they did to me to my son, so it would make me angry in a new way. And I didn't want their dysfunction to bleed into my son's life and I just cared less about the reasons WHY they were messed up because I just felt like I didn't have time to be sympathetic when I had my own family to worry about. </p> <p>Don't get me wrong - my parents adore my son. But it causes more friction between me and my parents because now their dysfunction is aimed at my parenting, what I'm not doing right, how I should be this or that. And then that drives me absolutely nuts because I feel like compared to them, I'm doing leaps and bounds better. Every time they challenge my parenting or they pull the age/experience card on me, I want to have less to do with them, but then I become the arrogant prick that keeps them from their grandson. So I feel even more resentment since they are now creating more issues for me to have to deal with. Its like, you screwed up my childhood, leave my parenthood alone. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406974 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 22:48:34 +0000 LindsayLou 2406974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dad has a theory that you either like how you grew up and try to recreate that and parent in a similar way to your parents, or you aren't happy with how you grew up and try to give your kids the complete opposite. In their case, my parents are very different from their own parents in both personality and parenting.</p> <p>I do not think we are all doomed to become our parents. I think the fact that you're conscious of what you want to do and the kind of parent you want to be makes you a good parent. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406956 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 22:25:46 +0000 Lilbear 2406956@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your self awareness of your mother's behavior will prevent you from turning into her. My mother has very similar tendencies, and it is very frustrating and manipulative to whoever is on the receiving end of it. My parents have given me many examples of what NOT to do in my own relationship/marriage, and how I am raising my children. Granted, they did the best that they could with the resources and lack/refusal of much needed therapy for themselves.</p> <p>When I hear stories about how terribly my grandparents treated my parents as children, I realize that my parents are a vast improvement over their own upbringing. We also have a different set of resources these days (Internet, childcare literature, parent groups, studies on child psychology &amp; development etc) which enable us to problem solve issues with our children more easily. I think (for my own mother at least) that the frustration of not knowing how to handle situations and feeling overwhelmed caused a lot of her resentment and coldness towards us as her children. She also is very passive aggressive and never learned how to communicate effectively. She always goes back to her old staples of mean comments, silent treatment, gossiping, and harsh judgements. </p> <p>I know it is so hard sometimes though. I promise you will not turn into her! 💗 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406950 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 22:16:22 +0000 regberadaisy 2406950@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Your mom is basically my MIL. She is a child. She will give my husband the silent treatment for The stupidest shit. She will ask for her house keys back because of something dumb that deemed him the worst son in the universe. Of the month. Because surely by next month BIL will have said something that makes him the worst son in the universe.</p> <p>My husband is an amazing father. He worked extremely hard for our family at his job and when he gets home. He cooks, he cleans, he bathes, he does laundry. He is an amazing husband and father. One of the best I know and I hear of some doozies!</p> <p>She is absolutely nothing like her mother. Her mother was an amazing mother and grandmother. She would watch all three (rambunctious!!!!) boys by herself for weekends at a time. While simultaneously caring for her disabled husband. My husband remembers spending most of his summer over there.<br /> My inlaws have taken DD1 overnight once, when I was in the hospital delivering DD2. MIL has never ever watched our girls by herself for even 30 minutes. </p> <p>So to answer your question. No! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406941 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 21:57:08 +0000 catlady 2406941@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I try not to be like my dad. He is a good dad and I love him but he used to have a nasty temper. I never ever want to yell at my child the way he used to yell at my brother and me when we were kids. I work very hard not to get too riled up when my toddler is misbehaving. I'm lucky because my dad has mellowed out over the years and I don't have to worry about him losing his temper at me (or LO) these days. </p> <p>@artsyfartsy: Your description of your mom sounds like how my mom used to describe my grandmother (both the coldness and the religion). My mom worked hard not to be like her mom. She was warm and loving and we had a great relationship. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406939 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 21:56:02 +0000 Mama Bird 2406939@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I try really hard not to be like my parents. I know I slip up sometimes, but I guess as long as it's only sometimes that's good enough. I do have my grandma as a role model, I spent a lot more time with her because she retired early to watch us while my parents worked. In any case I'm mostly parenting without a map because my kids are nothing like me or my brother, so whatever worked to raise us often doesn't work for them. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406920 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 21:26:49 +0000 artsyfartsy 2406920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I fear becoming my mom. She did the best she could but I got a lot of coldness from her sometimes. I was a very emotional child (and adult) and she would never try to help me through my emotions or try to understand. She'd just say "suck it up. Get over it". I want to never do that to T but I find myself getting to that point when I'm really frustrated. Toddlers can be irrational :silly:</p> <p>She also chose her religion over my well being and I know I will NEVER do that.</p> <p>I just want T to feel like he can always come to me and will always get love and understanding. I don't feel close to my mom and I want to be close to my children. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406904 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 20:58:11 +0000 yellowbird 2406904@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom was not a very good mother. Of course she is the only mom I had and I love her as a person, but she was very selfish and never put me first. It was a great fear of mine that I would be like her as a mom, but I am just so incredibly different. It's partially being self aware of the things I want to give my children that I never experienced but it's also partially because I just have a totally different personality than her. She also suffered from mental illness and would not take her medication correctly and it was very hard to communicate with her.</p> <p>I am so sorry you are dealing with this today, but you are not her. You are a totally separate person and I don't think at all that we are destined to become our parents. Maybe if you are completely blind to it, but you sound incredibly aware of what you want to be to your children. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406902 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 20:54:59 +0000 DesertDreams88 2406902@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I very much have the same fear, but moreso about my parents' marriage than about their parenting. My mom belittles my father all the time, and he purposefully irks her and lazes around. They argue about 50% of the time..... but they also get along fairly well, still go on dates, still hold hands, still plan and look forward to vacations together. They're like two old siblings. </p> <p>As for parenting, my ILs and my parents had very different parenting styles, and DH &amp; I fidn that very interesting to talk about and analyze. I really hope we can emulate the different positive things they did, and balance out each other's styles. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406901 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 20:53:40 +0000 catomd00 2406901@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no fears of becoming my mother because I am so aware of how hurtful her behavior is that it's my sole mission not to be like her. My husband assures me I'm doing everything "right" in that regard and on the off chance I'm not he keeps me in check! I don't think it becomes the natural course just because we grew up with it. Following my natural parenting instincts has led me to be quite opposite from how I raised with very little effort luckily. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406900 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 20:47:37 +0000 rachiecakes 2406900@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Definitely! My mother is a good person and I love her but she isn't very motherly. I was always with my grandmother and great aunt. My mom didn't want me to cook with her, decorate for the holidays with her, she's very particular about how she likes her house, etc. She's never gone to a salon or had her nails done, so we could never have that together. If my interests were outside of what she likes she wouldn't support in any way.<br /> I make a point to let J be very involved in household things, cooking, cleaning etc. I try to give him 100% my attention when I'm with him. (I WOH)<br /> Sometimes I catch myself being particular about something and if it doesn't matter, I nip it right away. I want J to have memories of having fun with me and doing lots of things together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/becoming-our-parents#post-2406887 Fri, 01 Jan 2016 20:24:23 +0000 Mrs Panda 2406887@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mother is currently mad at me - I've called three times today and all three times, she's hung up on me with scarcely a word. </p> <p>It made me reflect that I've spent a lot of my life in this state - being administered punishment of some sort without knowing why and trying to figure it out without much help from her. She's very immature, despite being in her 60s now. </p> <p>This latest incident also renewed my ongoing fear/curiosity about whether and to what extent it is inevitable that we become our parents. I had kids relatively late (33, 6 yrs into our marriage) in some part because I didn't think I was capable of being a good mother, because I did not think my mom was a good mother in a lot of ways. I have two kids now, and I am relieved to feel that I can be and am different from her in a lot of ways, but occasionally, like today, the fear/insecurity comes up again. </p> <p>In my head, i don't believe that we are all destined to follow the parenting styles of our own parents - we are different people from them, after all. But if it's all we know, does that become the natural course, absent a lot of effort to resist it? I feel like I always need to be on guard against the mean, angry, harsh ways of my mother in my own mothering. Part of it may be that my father passed away when I was very young, so it is really the only parenting example I have (directly, anyway). </p> <p>Does anyone else have the same fear, if you don't exactly what to emulate your parents? Any thoughts on having examples of what you don't want to be vs what you want to be? </p>