https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 21 Jun 2026 14:02:07 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-628440 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 12:39:37 +0000 Mrs Green Grass 628440@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just read a great article about this. I'll try to find it and post back. I think disappointment is really common because there are so many things that are out of your control. I'm disappointed that I didn't even have a third trimester! And it's very hard to get over it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-628320 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 10:57:02 +0000 Mrs. Twine 628320@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm hoping a guest post I submitted about a failed HBAC will be accepted, but yes, yes, and YES. I feel awful about both of my births, especially the birth of my youngest which was just a horror show all-around from the perspective of things turning out in a way that was planned NOT to happen. It does get easier, and the biggest help to me is/was focusing on what wonderful kids I have. They are such sweeties that my husband says we must at least be doing some things right, and their births I cannot change and there wasn't much else I could have done at the time. There are lots of us. Take solace in that, too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-628221 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 10:02:53 +0000 antsmom 628221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Phillybaby2013:</p> <p>I know what you mean about birth disappointment. I also had a c-section, and never really considered it to be an option either. I had a failed induction- my blood-pressure was getting too high, and I had not progressed at all (I had cervadil for en entire night). It was not the birth I wanted. I wanted to be the first to hold DS, and I desperately wanted the immediate skin-skin contact. I am still bitter about that, almost 5 months later. However, the doctors said he would have been an emergency c-section anyway- DS had cord prolapse, which would have endangered his life. I just thank God that DS is healthy, and that helps me to feel so much better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-628173 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 09:36:06 +0000 Phillybaby2013 628173@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>God, thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and support and for sharing your stories. I'm taking it all in and going to use all your suggestions. A part of me thinks that this is so much harder bc I never fully prepared myself that any of this was a possibility. My whole pregnancy, my biggest thing was - I do not want a c-section. I never really considered it to be an option. </p> <p>I know I'll get over it and hopefully I'll have another chance someday. Atleast now I'll know what I have to do to get there. In the meantime it is comforting to know you all are out there and have been through this and that it does get better. &lt;&lt;hugs&gt;&gt; </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627993 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 06:57:23 +0000 honeybear 627993@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Phillybaby2013: Also, I know it's hard to understand this when you're only a month out, and especially if you were steeping yourself in natural birth literature like I was(!), but how you give birth really doesn't impact how well you mother your child. You didn't 'fail' as a mother because the birth didn't go as planned ( very few things in parenting go as planned! ;) ). The birth is just one day. There are many more days after that day, and each one gives you a chance to be an awesome mom. Focus on those instead, because the fact of the matter is that for many of us, how we give birth is totally out of our control, thanks in large part to CYA medicine. You couldn't really choose how to give birth, but you can choose what you do today and tomorrow, you know? Remembering that (and laying off the birth stories for a while), really helped me. In some odd way, I think having had a terrible c-section made me a better and more committed mother. It's really hard to deal with in those early months, though, so please get help if you need it and know that you've got plenty of sisters who had exactly the same feelings you do and who have come out on the other side. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627954 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 04:30:37 +0000 loveisstrange 627954@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh, babe. I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you're going through. </p> <p>My daughter is almost a year old and I've been battling birth trauma and PPD from her birth too. My water broke but I didn't start contracting. I was induced with pit, had a failed epidural. I labored with no pain medication on the highest dose of pit they could give me because any time they reduced it, my contractions would stop. I fully dilated over just 5 hours. I pushed for almost 2 before they told me that I needed to be forceps-assisted because her head was crooked and wouldn't descend. I had to wait 5 HOURS for the OP to open up so they could do it, the whole time in unbearable pain. Then is was a spinal block, an episiotomy, forceps, shoulder dystocia, a distressed baby, a postpartum hemorrhage and all the while I was so delirious from the pain and drugs that I didn't even know what was going on. </p> <p>Then, I had a fever at delivery so we were kept in the hospital for 5 days on tons of anti-biotics. I had a blood transfusion. My milk never came in due to a medical complication we didnt know about at the time, so I was dealing with my failure to breastfeed. I was re-admitted 2 weeks later for a uterine infection from retained tissue.... It was a mess. </p> <p>I have so many regrets about her birth. I have so many things I still get sad or angry thinking about. I had immediate-onset, severe PPD because of everything I went through. I was told I even had some mild PTSD. I wish I had been a better advocate for myself. I wish DH had been more present and helpful during everything. I wish that I had said no to the epidural in the first place, so I could have at least gotten up and moved around. </p> <p>In the end, those feelings are still there, and I think they always will be to some extent, but they do fade. They get easier to deal with. Talking about it really helps, even if it's just with a friend. </p> <p>This is a fabulous website about birth trauma and dealing with it.<br /> <a href="http://www.solaceformothers.org/" rel="nofollow">http://www.solaceformothers.org/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627949 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 04:15:37 +0000 Sweet T 627949@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My LO is 18 months old and I still struggle with our birth story. My water broke at 40w2d at 3:00 in the morning. I arrived at the hospital and knew I was dilated 4cm from my appointment two days earlier. I ended up on pitocin because I wasn't contracting on my own. After laboring on pitocin all day, I eventually reached the maximum dose. 17 hours into labor, I was only 5cm dilated. An hour later, I was being wheeled into the operating room.</p> <p>I wish I had been more resistant to starting the pitocin in the first place. My hospital had two midwives and I saw them throughout my pregnancy. I trusted that they would do whatever they could to help me have a med-free birth. I can't help but think my midwife was more concerned about getting home to her own LO. DH &amp; I got to the hospital around 4:30 in the morning but she didn't get there until 9:30. She almost immediately recommended starting pitocin. My LO was born via csection at 9:17pm. She didn't even wait around for them to bring him to my room. She came in and said "I'm going to go home to my baby." That was it. It was very strange to me.</p> <p>I question myself a lot. What if I had waited to go to the hospital? What if I had said no to the pitocin early on? What if I hadn't had my membranes stripped at 39 and 40 weeks?</p> <p>Ultimately, I have a beautiful, healthy little boy who makes my life better in so many ways. It still feels a little bittersweet when I think about his birthday, but it has gotten easier and I'm slowly learning to cope with it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627924 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 02:56:36 +0000 sunny 627924@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was *so* disappointed with my birth experience. We had fetal distress which resulted in an immediate emergency C-section. I never went into labor. </p> <p>I was angry for months. I hated hearing "at least your baby is healthy" even though it was completely true -- Group B strep had spread to my uterus and we *were* lucky LO did not contract the infection as well. Due to the diagnosis, we stayed in the hospital for an entire week. When I talked to my OB about why the Group B strep had spread even though my water hadn't broken, she had no answers. She said that it was a mystery since the intact membranes should protect against infection. That really pissed me off. I wanted answers.</p> <p>I was really bitter that everyone else had a great birth experience. I was angry at the doctor for not preventing it. I was angry at myself for refusing the elective induction several days earlier. I was upset that we never got to do skin to skin immediately after birth, or delayed cord clamping or any of the other things I had planned for. I wondered "what if" I had done this or that or whatever. I drove myself crazy.</p> <p>For me, it got better with time. I think now that its been several months, I can look at some of the positive aspects of our birth experience. Even though it sucked being in the hospital, it made things easier in some ways. We got to see a lactation consultant every day. We had help from the nurses. There was no temptation for me to do anything but take care of baby, since we were staying in the hospital. I never went through labor and THEN the C-sec. I think that would have been even harder.</p> <p>Hugs and I hope you find your peace soon. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627908 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 02:03:28 +0000 owlmom 627908@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I planned and prepared for a natural birth but ended up with a failed induction and emergency c-section because my baby was in distress. I felt the same way you do. I questioned every choice I made and couldn't stop thinking about whether I could have prevented the c-section if I'd done something differently. My baby and I were completely healthy, but it was still a pretty traumatic experience for me and my husband.</p> <p>Two things made me start to feel better about it. First, I allowed myself to be fully upset about the loss of the birth I wanted. Set aside some time to think the whole thing through completely and cry about it, be bitter about it, be angry about it. Then, move on. Focus on everything good - healthy baby, healthy mama, etc. Second, I watched the birth episode of Up All Night. I realize that's a totally cheesy suggestion, but it really did help me feel better. The show in general is only okay, IMO, but that episode (season 1, episode 6) is so good if you wanted a natural birth and ended up with a c-section. It finally helped me to be able to laugh about it.</p> <p>Also, try to stop reading other women's birth stories until you come to terms with your birth. I think I'm in a good place now with how mine ended up, but I still skip reading most birth stories online. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627888 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 01:00:05 +0000 Sweet T 627888@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Commenting so I remember to reply once i put DS to bed! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627850 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 00:24:13 +0000 mrsjazz 627850@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Phillybaby2013: I actually saw a therapist who specializes in birth trauma &amp; PPD (I didn't have PPD). It helped to talk to someone who let me be in my disappointed state and didn't say "well, at least you have a healthy baby." I also ot to talk to my doula a lot about this. I think one thing that might help is for you to have someone to talk to who will validate the way you feel. </p> <p>@runsyellowlites: suggestion about your local ican chapter is great. </p> <p>And I think you should switch providers if you can. I was upset with my midwives, too--not in that moment, but after finding out that every other mother in my natural birth class who went to that birth center all ended up having c-sections, too. (While the home birth moms all had their home births). Ugh.</p> <p>Anyway, I completely understand. I'm almost 11 months postpartum and finally can finally talk about my birth experience without feeling the bitterness. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627828 Sun, 10 Mar 2013 00:07:43 +0000 Mrs. Bee 627828@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i'm sorry that you didn't get the birth you wanted. i can understand how disappointed you must feel. i ended up with a c-section with charlie and that definitely wasn't the birth that i planned. but i learned a lot from that experience, and i think it made me much stronger for my vbac with olive. hopefully you get the birth that you want the second time around! :)</p> <p>fwiw my recovery from the vbac was way worse! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627806 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 23:45:46 +0000 autumnlove 627806@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was induced at 41 weeks and went through a induction that led to a nightmare C-section with failed anesthesia. I was pretty bitter about it but I think i have come to terms that it just wasn't in the cards for me. I do enjoy reading natural birth stories and I wonder what if but I have no desire to ever attempt a VBAC.</p> <p>Best wishes and I hope you can get your VBAC for your next baby! :-) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627794 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 23:35:10 +0000 wheres_c 627794@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I still feel anger and disappointment everyday over my emergency c-section. I keep thinking over all the what ifs:<br /> What if i'd chosen a midwife or birth center?<br /> What if I hadn't listened to the b**** nurse that told me it was too early to push, despite that I had the urge?<br /> So so many what ifs.</p> <p>I joined the local ican chapter but i still cry everyday. Especially when read birth stories on here.....or see pictures of mommys with baby after the birth. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627547 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 21:22:25 +0000 honeybear 627547@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Phillybaby2013: I hear you! It does get better as time goes by. You might check out ICAN--the ladies in the ones I'm familiar with are really great. Your local ICAN should be able to steer you toward VBAC-friendly docs and midwives and counselors, if you want. Best wishes! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627430 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:47:02 +0000 rachiecakes 627430@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@littlek: I feel you! I don't have any pictures of anyone holding DS in the hospital because they couldn't. I only have a few of me with him because I was sick, too.<br /> We make up for it now, though. I take pictures of us every day :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627412 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:40:23 +0000 littlek 627412@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Phillybaby2013: I had birth disappointment as well. My son was born at 34 weeks and I have a lot of guilt over not being able to go full term. I'd like to say that as time goes by it gets easier but it's tough, especially when you hear about other people's positive experiences. It's stupid but I'm so jealous of everyone's pictures with their lOs after birth and I don't have one because my son was whisked away to the NICU. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627363 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:25:30 +0000 mrs. wagon 627363@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can sympathize to a point. My first delivery involved 3 failed epidurals and my second involved an accidental dural puncture which led to leaking spinal fluid during recovery. Even though both of my babies were born healthy and vaginally, both birth experiences were physically and emotionally traumatic for me. I think you are doing the best thing you can do by educating yourself about vbacs and what you want for next time, and a negative experience like this can only strengthen your ability to fight for what you want for your care during delivery. Could you switch doctors or even your OBGYN practice before your 6 week postpartum visit? you shouldn't have to dread talking to and seeing the doctor when you feel this bitterly about it. Maybe you could ask to see a different doctor in the practice, or a nurse practitioner? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627362 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:25:14 +0000 tororojo 627362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>:( I'm sorry you're having a tough time with this! It sucks to have planned on something going a certain way and then having it all changed against your wishes. I definitely think changing doctors for next time might be the best option for you! Maybe you can interview docs/midwives to make sure they're super supportive of the birth plan you have in mind, especially since with a VBAC they'll be more cautious. My induction details are similar to yours in a lot of ways and I think a lot of doctors would have pushed me toward cesarean, but mine was reeeeally patient as long as the baby and I were doing well. But I had to mainly lay on my side for a good 24 hrs to keep the baby's heart rate down! I think it's great to plan, but sadly we can only control so much. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627339 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:16:52 +0000 petunia354 627339@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can definitely sympathize. I had a c section for pre-eclampsia and was put under general anesthesia so neither my husband or I were able to witness the birth of our son. We didn't find out the gender beforehand because we wanted to be surprised when I delivered, but obviously that dream never happened. It took me so long to bond with my son because of this. I also felt guilt over him being born early and having to spend time in the NICU, no baby should ever have to start out their life that way! However, over time (10 weeks later) it has gotten better and I just focus on my son and loving on him. I'd be lying though if I said it didn't hurt to read other peoples perfect birth stories.<br /> I often wonder if my situation was really emergent and if I really needed to be put asleep and it is something that I will certainly question and fight against next time. Ultimately I have to believe that your doctos have your best interest in mind but at the same time, you need to advocate for yourself and make sure that you do all that you can in the future to get the experience you want!<br /> I think now that you have been through it, you'll know what to expect for next time and be able to express exactly what you want and be able to question your doctors over your care! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627309 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 20:07:32 +0000 photojane 627309@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry! I think the moment we become mamas we feel guilt so much easier and so much stronger. Though I can't relate exactly, I do understand the way you're feeling as I struggled similarly with my breastfeeding experience. It's getting better and easier for me with time, and I hope the same happens for you. I totally believe you can and will have a successful VBAC next go around! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627294 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:58:20 +0000 rachiecakes 627294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>For a long time after DS's birth I was disappointed, too. I had an episiotomy that took 6 months to feel normal, never mind work out or be as active as I would've been without it. After that I developed nerve damage, granulation tissue and a trapped nerve at the incision site.<br /> DS was born with a collapsed lung. There was no immediate skin to skin, DH couldn't cut the cord. I couldn't have DS in my room at the hospital. I got really sick immediately after giving birth and needed treatment. So many things went "wrong". I was really depressed about it. </p> <p>BUT<br /> Now I don't think of it that way. I truly don't believe there is a right and wrong way to have a baby. Like every baby is different, every pregnancy is different, every birth is unique as well. There are no awards given for best.<br /> Even my mom with me? She was in labor forever, had an epidural, eventually I was removed with forceps. My brother two years later? She had him within 20 minutes of arriving at the hospital, no meds, said she felt like she had stomach cramps all day, no time-able contractions (and he was a 10 pounder!). </p> <p>I agree with @runsyellowlites - once you've been through it once, you will know what you're body is telling you next time. Everything you're feeling is completely valid. If you want to see another doctor for your follow up, do it!<br /> (((hugs))) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627280 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:47:01 +0000 runsyellowlites 627280@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Phillybaby2013: How you're feeling is 100% NORMAL! And no, "you got a healthy baby" does not diminish the loss of your birth desires or what you've gone through in your experience.</p> <p>I had a classic cascade of intervention that resulted in a cesarean with my first so I can completely understand where you're coming from. With P I found a vbac supportive provider (not one that would "let me try" but that actually believed in my body) and actually planned an out of hospital birth b/c the hospitals here have vbac bans. I DID transfer to the hospital (not emergent) but b/c of the the great care I had through my labor at home I actually delivered before the got me back to the O.R. (in hindsight DH &amp; I both know there are things we could've done different to avoid the transfer).</p> <p>Learn from your experience, process it, and use it to protect your rights next time!</p> <p>vbacfacts.com is a great place to start for vbac research along with your local ican chapter which will have other moms in your area that have experienced similar AND help find a good provider!</p> <p>Sorry your birth didn't go as you desired. Mourn it &amp; don't let anyone tell you your wrong for doing so! ((hugs))</p> <p>ETA: It wasn't until I had my vbac almost EIGHT YEARS after my unnecesarean that I truly got over my first experience.... vbac.com has some great info too on healing from cesarean! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627278 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:43:05 +0000 Weagle 627278@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm so sorry :(. *hugs*. My birth experience wasn't terrible, but I go back and forth with whether or not I am pleased with how it went. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627275 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:41:18 +0000 LulaBee 627275@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have absolutely been where you are and am still dealing with my birth disappointment. I joined the local ican chapter and started therapy with someone who specializes in birth trauma and ppd. Hang in there! It does get easier (7 months pp) but I think about it daily. Also hoping for a VBAC next time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627273 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:41:06 +0000 Dandelion 627273@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I had my son at 32 weeks, and although it was all natural, I felt like a real failure for a long time (especially the 15 days he was in the NICU) about how my pregnancy ended so early. I blamed myself for the longest time, but looking back, I know how the events of my pregnancy lined up for what happened. I was/am really angry at the doctors that were supposed to be taking care of me. </p> <p>In that, I learned from that experience, and I'm sitting here at almost 39 weeks with #2, dying to go into labor, lol.</p> <p>It's ok to feel grief over it. But, you can also take what you learned to share your experience with other women, so that they might not have the same outcome, or if you have another pregnancy, you can strive to overcome and go into it much more prepared. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/birth-disappointment-how-did-you-deal#post-627268 Sat, 09 Mar 2013 19:34:59 +0000 Phillybaby2013 627268@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Lo is a month old and I'm still feeling really bitter/sad about his birth. I originally had thoughts of going natural but then was induced due to somewhat high BP at 39w5d. I didn't progress past 2cm, 90% effaced after overnight cervadil and almost 10hrs of pitocin which resulted in a c-section even tho neither of us were in distress. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently - postponed the induction, insisted on more time/different intervention before c-section...the whole experience was the complete opposite of what I wanted. I have a hard time reading everyone else's birth stories especially people that had a successful induction. I'm always thinking that if we had waited, would that have been me? I have my 6 week pp checkup in 2 weeks and am dreading it bc i dont want to talk to the Dr. that delivered B and "did this to me". Everyone I've tried to talk to about it doesn't understand and tells me I should be happy that we are both healthy and that it's over and done with. I'm already decided that I want try for a VBAC when the time comes and will more than likely change doctors. (this also has to do with the hospital I delivered at) </p> <p>If anyone can relate or offer advice/support I'd really appreciate it. I know I'm not the only one who's felt this way. : / </p>