https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Mon, 11 May 2026 08:05:29 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-657338 Thu, 21 Mar 2013 11:03:45 +0000 littlebittyhouse 657338@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: My mother and MIL are caregivers for my LO and while for the most part it works out wonderfully for our family, we've run into some issues along the way so, I get it. </p> <p>Is it strange that she didn't mention it to you? Absolutely. Does it look a little manipulative/sneaky? Yup. In the end though it sounds like it might bridge a gap for you guys? At the daycare your MIL will be restricted as to what she can and cannot do with your LO. At the end of the day the centers rules will be followed and your MIL will have to adhere or risk being let go. I can't imagine that the center will give her special priviliges because she is his Gma. </p> <p>If she gets the job and you're concerned, I might talk to the director and say something along the lines of you like the center atmosphere and want to make sure that even though your LO has a family member working there you still want the center experiance. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-657279 Thu, 21 Mar 2013 10:47:29 +0000 kiddosc 657279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kodybear: We definitely get comments about the quality of the daycare when she helps us with picking him up on occasion. Umm, it's not so bad that you didn't want to work there. </p> <p>@runsyellowlites: My MIL really is a sweet lady most of the time, and I know the things she does I don't agree with are never done maliciously, but still. I really just think it's better for all of us if grandma stays grandma and not a caregiver. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654547 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:32:05 +0000 runsyellowlites 654547@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: These things I can totally relate to b/c G's other grandma is like this (minus the spanking issue b/c we use that in our home). It wasn't like she was "harming" him BUT total disregard for his character by underminding me constantly. I actually went though a period where I NEEDED her to watch G b/c I was incredibly ill.. after just a few weeks I said screw it to my doctors orders &amp; took over again.</p> <p>I do think being at the daycare, away from "her house her rules" will diminish those issues though! So atleast you have that. =) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654525 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:27:16 +0000 kodybear 654525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i'm going through something like this right now too! LO is almost 4 months old and since she was born, my MIL has been saying she'd be able to watch LO for a couple days a week. For multiple reasons we declined. Right now shes taking care of her parents (both in and out of the hospital and dr's appts) and my FIL who is having issues walking and is also in and out of hospitals and the dr's. But it was also because of boundary issues. She constantly refers to herself as "mama", makes us visit her alll the time "so LO won't forget her", etc. i just had a feeling she'd want to do things her way versus our way. so she's mad at us for not choosing her over a daycare (and she lets us know in a very passive aggressive way, by talking in a "baby" voice to LO about how a daycare isn't going to take good care of her. and she talks in a diff language so i don't understand what shes saying but DH does). now she wants to be able to visit the daycare during the day to see LO. I'm not sure how i feel about this yet. i feel like it may be abused or she might constantly be telling us what is wrong with the daycare. </p> <p>anyway, just wanted to say i know how you feel. in your case, i think you guys did the right thing in telling her how you feel. hopefully she gets it and doesn't interview there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654515 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:25:41 +0000 kiddosc 654515@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Also, she is more than welcome to visit any time she wants, and we tell her that often. We are not trying to block her access to our son. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654507 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:24:09 +0000 sea_bass 654507@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@kiddosc: No of course you are not a bad person! I am just of the mind that if I couldn't look after my baby then my mother or MIL would be the next best people. I would LOVE that. </p> <p>It saddens me that my baby will never meet their paternal grandmother, and that my Mum doesn't have the financial means to give up work. (She is very, very sad about that too). </p> <p>Of course if there are other issues like spanking and not taking your parenting styles into account then its less optimal. The daycare option could be a "safe" middle ground where her care would be standardized, but she would still get to spend the extra time with her grandchild. </p> <p>I hope it all works out!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654466 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:17:10 +0000 kiddosc 654466@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sea_bass: I get why it's hard for some people to understand. She's just not good at boundaries when it comes to the grandkids. She doesn't respect my SIL's wishes and will continue to do things the way she sees best, even when she's specifically been asked not to. Also, when we're all out together, our nephew will look to her for direction instead of his mother. She also uses spanking as a means of discipline and routinely threatens our nephew with taking him into the bathroom when we're out. </p> <p>I knowt some of those points wouldn't be an issue in a daycare center setting. We told her to go to the interview, and to take the job if she was offered it. I just really wish she would have said something to us before hand about applying. It's probably a lot of my own hang up too, that I wouldn't want my MIL spending more time with my child than I'm able to, maybe that makes me a bad person. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654450 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:13:00 +0000 mrsmenow 654450@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel the same way about grandparents vs. parental figure/caregiver. I would be really upset that you told her how you felt and she went as far to apply at his daycare to go over your heads. The fact that she lives 40 minutes away shows this wasn't just about a job. Hopefully she will pass on the interview and then realise how ridiculous she was. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654419 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:06:22 +0000 blackbird 654419@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think as long as E isn't treated with special favors and stuff at daycare, it'll be ok. There'll still be the distinction of school vs. home due to the physical boundary. Plus there ARE other kids there, so that will help a lot, I think.</p> <p>My husband was also partially raised by his grandma and he's very close with her today and has zero negative associations with her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654418 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:06:12 +0000 sea_bass 654418@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow. I totally don't get what the problem is, at all. Unless there was some health or safety reason why you would want your child's grandparent to look after them I would bite their hand off to be a full time carer for my baby! </p> <p>It seems really counter intuitive to me that you would prefer to send your child to be cared for by strangers, just in case your MIL and son formed a close bond. (Unless of course there are safe guarding issues?). </p> <p>My mother would be devastated if I went down that path. Sadly she cannot afford to give up work to look after our baby and it is truly sad for all of us that she can't. (MIL is sadly dead, but would have equally been the case). </p> <p>I can't begin to imagine how hurt your MIL must feel. Of course if she were looking for a job in a daycare she would drive the extra distance in the hope of working at her grandchild's daycare. Wouldn't we all do the same thing when we are grandparents?! </p> <p>Unless there is some major issue with the care she would give your child then I really don't get this. A few generations ago grandparents would have all been so much more involved in bringing up their grandchildren. Indeed their role has shaped humanity...</p> <p><a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/evolution/9628724/Grandmothers-gave-humans-longer-lifespans.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/evolution/9628724/Grandmothers-gave-humans-longer-lifespans.html</a> </p> <p>It saddens me that for a myriad of social and economic reasons it is much less the case now. I can't help but feel envious of you! </p> <p>I hope it all works out ok in the end. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654396 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 11:03:10 +0000 wheres_c 654396@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds super manipulative to me. I'm firmly against grandma care for the same reasons. It works for some families but I've seen it first hand not work out.</p> <p>If there's a bunch of day cares, could you pull LO out if she gets the job? She may not even get it....that way she can still get a job if that's what she's really looking for. I suspect it isn't though...I thin she just wants to be E's caregiver. You know your fam better though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654291 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 10:38:42 +0000 runsyellowlites 654291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That is a tough one. My mom has been a primary caretaker for G since forever &amp; has never crossed that boundary of grandparent/parent.... his other grandma is notorious for it though so I can understand the concern. With my mom having apporpriate boundaries I'm actually really glad she's in the kiddos life as much as she is. I didn't have that with my grandparents &amp; well I'm just glad to have another close watching eye on their character.... there have been things G has disclosed with her that never came up with us and most certainly wouldn't come up in school that without her being so involved could've gone un noticed &amp; could cause issues in the long run. For us, her involvement is a good thing.... like I said though totally different story for the other side of G's family! eek!</p> <p>I do think that her being at the daycare as opposed to watching E in her home WILL help to distinguish &amp; keep those bounds though so it may not be a totally bad thing. Atleast you know that he won't be mistreated at all b/c a family member is always there. *shrugs shoulders*</p> <p>And tbh if she blames you guys for still being unemployed that's her problem... I wouldn't take fault for that, she can go a number of other places! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654250 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 10:28:53 +0000 Anagram 654250@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hmm..that's a tough one. For me, it wouldn't be a problem...but since it's a problem for you, then you did the right think by sharing your feelings.</p> <p>For what it's worth, my ex lived with his grandmother for 3 years growing up. He grew up in a 3rd world country, and his dad had to leave the country to find work, and eventually his mom joined him--but that country was much more expensive to live, so all three of their kids stayed with their grandmother. She was like a second mother, but he still had no trouble distinguishing his Grandma from his mom. And eventually, once his dad got established in the new country, all the kids went to the new country and lived there as well.</p> <p>I do think it made my Ex closer to his Gma than the average guy is, but it wasn't a negative situation. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/blurring-the-lines-between-grandparent-and-parent-figure#post-654233 Wed, 20 Mar 2013 10:24:13 +0000 kiddosc 654233@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My MIL has been a caretaker (as in daycare) for our nephew since he was 4 months old. Now at 7 years old, he very much looks at her as a parental figure, instead of as a grandparent. She offered to watch E for us before he was born, but we declined because it was important to us that she remain a grandparent in his life and not caretaker or parental figure. </p> <p>Fast forward to last night. MIL casually texts DH to tell him she has an interview at E's daycare to work in the infant room. She never told us she applied, and I have seen her every day for the last two weeks. She lives about 40 minutes away and passes more daycares than I can count on my two hands to get there. She thought it would be fine because E will move to the toddler room soon and so she wouldn't be a primary caregiver. Except that the toddler and infant room teachers often move back and forth to keep ratios in the correct range. </p> <p>DH called her and tried to explain to her why we were upset about this. That we think E would associate her more with school and less as family. She was very upset at said she doesn't need to run her every action by us for our approval and couldn't understand why this was different. She ended the conversation by saying that she just wouldn't go to the interview and I know she'll be mad at us that she's still unemployed. </p> <p>Did we overreact? I really feel like we had a valid concern and I'm annoyed that she didn't ask if we'd mind if she applied. But I feel really bad that we potentially cost her a job opportunity. </p>