https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 12 Apr 2026 03:55:37 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1414534 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 13:17:53 +0000 Torchwood 1414534@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I feel the same way as you about spanking. I was raised that way, but I don't want to continue it. At first I was really overwhelmed because I had no idea what my alternatives were, but I've since done TONS of research and we've agree on positive/nonpunitive/attachment type parenting. </p> <p>My absolute favorite book on the subject (so far, I read a lot) is Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting, which has been mentioned. I also LOVE Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari. It's more for older kids (it's about how to talk to them mostly, so not as useful for completely non-verbal ages), but I use the techniques in most of my relationships. I'm going to try to get DH to read it soon, because it would really help him get why I get upset at some of the things he says that make me feel like he thinks my feelings are dumb. Also, Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids by Laura Markham (I agree with those who recommend her!), and Positive Discipline for Preschoolers.</p> <p>For articles, this pinterest board is all positive parenting related- <a href="http://www.pinterest.com/natcrunchymoms/positive-parenting/" rel="nofollow">http://www.pinterest.com/natcrunchymoms/positive-parenting/</a> </p> <p>It's important to remember that your choice here isn't between spanking (or other authoritarian parenting methods like time outs) and permissive parenting where you let them run all over you. I've seen both, and they're both very bad for the kids and you. Authoritarian teaches kids to obey only when they will get in trouble, or essentially whoever is biggest and strongest gets to make the rules. Permissive teaches them they pretty much never have to obey. The studies have shown that the golden standard is Authoritative parenting, which has clear boundaries and rules, with strong connection. </p> <p>I was raised on the "do it because I said so, or else you'll get a spanking," and honestly it made me a lot less honest and well-behaved. I learned to lie to avoid getting a spanking, not to do the right thing because it's the right thing. I love @mskeee's story because that's exactly what I want to do with my kids. Validate their feelings, help them understand that there are reasons why we do things, that I'm not just a dictator, and help them learn to do the right thing for the right reasons.</p> <p>Sorry to write a novel! It's a topic I feel strongly about and have put a lot of time and thought into. :) </p> [attach=3674/14/n0ug5u.600x420.parenting1.gif] https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1414326 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 12:34:00 +0000 MamaCate 1414326@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I work in early childhood mental health so I could write you a novel on this subject but will try to be brief. What I teach my clients and use with my LO is that a discipline approach starts with positive attention, play and reinforcement of desired behaviors. Then we do use time out and removal of privileges sparingly when needed. I spend a lot of time talking about feelings and emotions with my LO and this helps her understand her feelings and the related behaviors. This approach is called "emotion coaching" and I am sure you could find some good resources if you google it. Another great resource is parentingcounts.org.</p> <p> I am happy to chat more if you have questions and I think it is great you are planning ahead to have a plan that you support in advance of behavior problems that may arise! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1414260 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 12:13:59 +0000 Freckles 1414260@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I second/third @scg00387's suggestion.</p> <p>Also, <a href="http://www.janetlansbury.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.janetlansbury.com/</a> is a great resource. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1414218 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 12:01:12 +0000 Mae 1414218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't know of any resources, but I wasn't spanked and I just got time outs, or toys taken away, or tv time taken away, or had to do extra chores, or whatever other thing my parents could think of that would piss me off :) </p> <p>From a common sense standpoint, I don't understand how using violence on a child is supposed to make them feel secure or loved or teach them right from wrong. "Don't hit people! Except I can hit you…" just doesn't make sense to me. </p> <p>Also, I think humor helps. My mom was just telling me this weekend how she found that "Reasons why my kid is crying" website and she thought it was brilliant because to her the most challenging part of raising kids is realizing they are freaking psycho and not at all rational and you just can't expect to reason with them. She said if she had an outlet like that, or even someone to talk to that she could laugh about what a little tyrant we were being, it would've made it easier to stay calm in the face of super annoying kid behavior. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1414101 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 11:28:21 +0000 blackbird 1414101@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>In the same boat and also curious! Dh thinks "no big deal" but I feel so uncomfortable with it, after all this new research has come out. But it's all I know. </p> <p>I also don't want to end up in....parents as best buddies territory, either. Or wherever that territory is where you're so nice to your kids all the time, that they just run all over you. Not into that (and i see it All. The. Time) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1414055 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 11:14:51 +0000 mamimami 1414055@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a bunch of the books recommended here, and I want to add another. </p> <p>Can I recommend it even though I haven't read it yet? I got to meet the author and hear him speak and he made a lot of sense. The idea is taking a middle road between permissive and authoritarian parenting. </p> <p>Personally, it's really important to me to learn this because I come from a more permissive background and my husband from a more authoritarian background, so the tools he has are physical (he does NOT use this tool, but it's what he learned as a child) or punitive like taking away toys and privileges, and the tools I have are more like endlessly reasoning/talking in circles, so I think this is going to help us find our sweet spot.</p> <p>It's the setting limits series.. there is also one for parenting strong-willed children, one for teachers in the classroom setting, and one for teenagers I think.</p> <p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Responsible-Independent-Boundaries/dp/0761512128/ref=pd_sim_b_9" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Responsible-Independent-Boundaries/dp/0761512128/ref=pd_sim_b_9</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1414046 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 11:13:30 +0000 Boheme 1414046@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My husband isn't sold on not spanking either. He can't wrap his head around it! I will be looking for these books during toddlerhood. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413967 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 10:52:27 +0000 Rockies11 1413967@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: I haven't read the book, and I tend not to read whole parenting books because I find they're often just expansions of bullet points and I don't have the patience or brain power anymore to read something not succinct. Or maybe I am just lazy now, ha ha ha. But I should actually try, since I agree with her so much. I will also look up Unconditional Parenting! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413920 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 10:41:29 +0000 artsyfartsy 1413920@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm going to look into some of these suggestions! I was spanked as a child and I don't want to do that to my children because it wasn't effective, just scary. DH isn't sold on not spanking either but he wasn't spanked ever as a child, just threatened. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413910 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 10:40:01 +0000 Silva 1413910@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@rahlyrah: The only book I've read so far is How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen, and its great.Oh, and the Science of Parenting- which is kind of attachment parenting focused, but has some useful information in it about brain development / parenting styles.</p> <p>Also, I jsut wanted to commend you on choosing an alternative path for discipline with your child. It can be hard to go against the way we were raised, but its really important to make intentional choices and with all of the research available about the negative effects of spanking I think you are making a great choice! (Mrs. Jacks is a a great resource regarding this, and I imagine your own pediatrician would be as well). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413849 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 10:22:20 +0000 mjane 1413849@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Lots of good ideas! 1,2,3...The Toddler Years (very different/unrelated to 1-2-3, Magic), and Alfie Kohn (Unconditional Parenting) is really thought-provoking even if you don't agree with it all (I don't). </p> <p>@mskeee: Aha Parenting is a great resource, agreed! She has a book, too, now, but I haven't looked at it... have you? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413530 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 08:40:45 +0000 T-Mom 1413530@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I like the book Positive Discipline. I don't follow everything in it, but it was a different perspective for me. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413523 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 08:36:24 +0000 Rockies11 1413523@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was also spanked and parented strictly, as was my DH. We're both super anti-spanking as a result. I have the same problem of not knowing what you do other than the things that happened to us. I think the fact that I had a complete void in knowing what to do discipline-wise was when I was in a kids consignment store with my baby and I was listening to a young child (about 3) sort of whining and crying and I expected the mom to say "quit your whining or I'll paddle your butt" or something like that, and instead she leaned over him and said "it's really hard to give away your things, hey? But we need to to make room for new things. Come on, let's go home and have some lunch". And I burst into tears! It was so nice! And equally as effective! So anyway, it made me realize that I needed some skills. So the one that I am liking best as a philosophy is (the cheesily named) ahaparenting - it's Dr. Laura Markham. My LO is 7 months old so we still have lots of time, but I have printed out some of her tip sheets and am practicing being kind already to break myself of the strict/spanky way of parenting. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413522 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 08:34:42 +0000 hilsy85 1413522@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@scg00387: love love love that book!!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413515 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 08:31:43 +0000 Ra 1413515@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@heffalump: @scg00387: Thanks ladies! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413508 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 08:26:39 +0000 immabeetoo 1413508@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How to talk so that your kids will listen. And if you search spanking, mrs jacks has posted loads of research! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413485 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 08:01:28 +0000 heffalump 1413485@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>A friend just gave me happiest toddler on the block. Haven't had a chance to read it yet, but she said it worked well for her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/booksresources-for-those-who-dont-plan-to-spank#post-1413476 Tue, 11 Feb 2014 07:55:57 +0000 Ra 1413476@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What are your favorite parenting resources for parents who choose not to spank? I would prefer not to spank B but, as silly as it sounds, I was spanked as a child so it's all I know. I'm not even sure what methods of discipline are effective and I'm scared that if I don't try to reprogram myself now I will just slip into spanking because it's easiest.</p> <p>Even if you don't have any particular resources to share, how do you discipline/plan to discipline?</p> <p>Additionally, DH still isn't sold on not spanking. If you know any articles or journals off hand (I know I can research myself, and plan to) that discuss the adverse effects of spanking that would be helpful, too! </p>