https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 03 Apr 2026 21:46:38 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001562 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 18:28:31 +0000 daisyfay 2001562@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: Yes, that's the plan. We have to live our lives! I'm sure it will all work out fine in the end, there's just a lot of uncertainty in the meantime. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001548 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 18:16:59 +0000 snowjewelz 2001548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@bluestriped bee: ah my fingers are crossed for you too :goodluck: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001547 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 18:15:57 +0000 snowjewelz 2001547@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@shellio: you shouldn't! I'm totally jealous BUT of course happy that some moms get a good maternity leave! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001543 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 18:15:03 +0000 snowjewelz 2001543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daisyfay: it does get so complicated when it comes to family :sad: it's def not fair to be on your DH to hold up the entire business! And I can't believe your uncle at 88 is still involved! I think when your baby is actually here, you will just have to do what you gotta do since your LO &gt; uncle. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001517 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:46:38 +0000 BSB 2001517@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@macintosh: DH is on disability, too, but it runs out in 2015. He's going to try to work and see how he can keep up and see if it affects his asthma. I don't want him working full-time, just enough to cover the SSI checks (which isn't much)...I think it might be part time hours. We'll see. When we do have a family( fingers crossed by the end of 2015), we'll just have to rearrange our budget to make it work without his income (if SSI runs out and he is able to work, but won't because he is a SAHD).</p> <p>Oh, we did get info about getting disability renewed if working outside the home is too much for him. Luckily, the government gives us 9 months trial period to get back to work. If he is really struggling and he put himself into the hospital then we should be able to get him back on disability. DH really hates relying on the government so he's hoping that he can and will work. I'm supportive but I'm making sure we have all of the options open. Also, not putting a ton of pressure on him to work a lot. </p> <p>I'm glad I can have someone to relate to. Having a disabled spouse is so hard sometimes. Taking care of my husband's doctors appt, procedures, surgeries is hard in itself. Then add our own responsibilities with work. Ugh, and then you know the added stress of having IF. I'm hoping that I'm still strong so far that adding a baby in there will be okay. Hard. I know it will be hard but I'm hoping I can do it just like all the other roadblocks life has thrown my way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001505 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:37:16 +0000 BSB 2001505@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm a breadwinner, too. DH has medical issues and has been out of work the past 3 years so he's at home. I'm hoping our FET works in January so we can finally get pregnant. Long time ago, we agreed the DH would be a SAHD. (He said he would love to be a SAHD) It's still the plan. Though, there are times where my DH struggles to do simple things that I ask of him. I wonder how he will be as a SAHD. Though, it's better him than me. I know this is pre-baby, but I don't think I could be a SAHM. So I'll just work with issues that bother me instead of having to pay for daycare. Though, if he does end up working part-time, I'm some what prepared to put our LOs in daycare part time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001501 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:34:00 +0000 shellio 2001501@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Don't feel bad! I had 12 weeks, fully paid, with my second. And I also feel really guilty about that, even though I shouldn't. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001500 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:33:45 +0000 snowjewelz 2001500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MOMTOLITTLEB: I feel you on the no ambition thing! My job/career isn't very important to me yet I have to have to have the ambition to get promoted and get raises! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001492 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 17:31:55 +0000 shellio 2001492@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mdf106: I also found it much easier to go back after a short mat leave when leaving LO with DH! It made a big difference. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread/page/2#post-2001449 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:45:08 +0000 daisyfay 2001449@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: You're right, hindsight is 20/20, and I really do try not to get worked up about what's already done. I'm just naturally a worrier, which gets the best of me sometimes.</p> <p>It's such a weird situation...his uncle is understanding to a point, and wants things to be tenable for us, but he's also really resistant to change, especially any change that inconveniences him. Just a recent example: he's quite elderly (88 I think?) and his health isn't great, though he's still sharp as a tack. He had been back and forth to the hospital a few times the other week, not with any particular ailment but just under the weather and looking for some validation that something was wrong with him (although there really wasn't). We used to go visit him together an evening or two a week, but since I've been pregnant, we really haven't been able to because I've needed to be in bed by 9ish, which gives my husband I about an hour to have dinner and see each other for the only time all day. We explained this to him, and suggested that perhaps if my husband had a morning shift a couple of days a week we could visit when I got home from work, but he basically threw a temper tantrum and has since been coming up with excuses as to why he needs my husband to do things for him after the business (it's a small grocery store) closes at 8. Like, he intellectually understands that the baby is going to change things, and is excited about it in the grand scheme of things, but anytime it affects him he digs in his heels. And at this point the store is dependent on my husband's involvement in order to run at all, which is why him leaving without us moving isn't an option - his uncle's involvement at this point is more or less on a supervisory level, and they have major issues hiring and retaining for a variety of reasons I won't go into, so when we leave there's an overwhelming possibility he'll have to close the store unless another employee steps up (but not before he runs it into the ground, of course). I totally have sympathy for him in this situation - it sucks getting old, and he also has a lot to deal with with his wife, who is a raging alcoholic (which is its own whole giant can of worms), but he is seemingly incapable of seeing the situation from our point of view.</p> <p>The moral of this story is never work for family unless you're sure they are sane and rational, LOL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001436 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:34:40 +0000 MOMTOLITTLEB 2001436@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am the breadwinner to a small extent. It's about 60/40. But I'm also younger and probably have more career potential. I do feel pressure and it's frustrating because I'm not very ambitious. I just want to make more money so we can have the lifestyle we want for our son. I drive a 10 year old car and am in general not very fancy. I think my husband feels like there's nothing he can do so he hopes I keep making more. He handles our finances and most household stuff but I'm in charge of anything baby related. I think we'll find our balance but we're in a stressful period now so everything seems harder. Sometimes I feel like I worry about money more and he worries less because i feel the financial pressure is on me. However he says I don't know our finances as well which is true. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001432 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:32:24 +0000 mdf106 2001432@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am the sole breadwinner, and we actually engineered it this way. I decided to go back to school so DH could SAH. DH likes it okay, certainly better than the job he had immediately before LO was born, but would like to go back to work someday. He is also unsure of what he wants to do. DH does do most of the household engineering, and he is very responsive to lists I make, especially when they are short. I am the better planner, though. I do get frustrated when he does not automatically know what I want done, but I realize this is probably not reasonable. As far as cleaning, he is much more tolerant of clutter than I am, but more likely to do deep cleaning. He does both when we are expecting guests. I do most of the childcare when I am home, although I do get to sleep in one or both weekend mornings (I have a much higher sleep needs). I usually work a few hours from home on Saturdays. I get frustrated that DH gets more leisure time than I do. However, if we both worked, we would both just have less leisure time. My 6 week unpaid leave was a little painful, but it was easier to leave LO with DH than it would be with another arrangement. I do feel a lot of pressure to make money, especially because my pay is highly variable. This was especially stressful when I was pregnant and not feeling well, and I am nervous about my next pregnancy. Sometimes I wish I had stayed at my easier job and DH also worked, but I feel like the grass is always greener, and things are probably better this way. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001422 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:25:23 +0000 mrscobee 2001422@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am the breadwinner. Make about $30K more than DH. I also work less than him. However, I think DH's earning potential is higher than mine. His career path just has a slower progression than mine... I don't think either one of us will be able to stay at home full time with LO #1, but I am hoping my work will be flexible... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001412 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:19:34 +0000 snowjewelz 2001412@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@daisyfay: aww.. I think you really can't look back, not knowing that taking over the business wouldn't work out. And you never know till he goes out looking! I think its great that you are thinking of all the possible issues and maybe you guys can talk about it now so no one gets upset once the baby is here and you go into survival mode. Would your uncle remotely be understanding of the fact that you have a child coming and he needs to make more $ to support the family? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001411 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:14:56 +0000 snowjewelz 2001411@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gotkimchi: ugh I am so sorry! I feel like 5 hrs barely makes a difference! Or if I can even just work from home 2 days a week what s diff it would make! </p> <p>@Cherrybee: don't feel bad! I think you are either ready to go back to work or not ready! I am glad that at least in some countries they see parental leave as something important! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001409 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 16:11:55 +0000 LuLu Mom 2001409@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm technically the breadwinner at this time, but I'm *hoping* that DH's "big deal" he's been working on goes through in the next month or two and he starts blowing me out of the water. Our family could use it. I make slightly more than him now, not significant but enough that we notice when I go on maternity leave and we are only living on his paycheck. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001383 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:58:31 +0000 daisyfay 2001383@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>OMG I wrote a novel...sorry ladies. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001382 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:58:05 +0000 daisyfay 2001382@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's really comforting to hear everyone else's stories!</p> <p>I currently make about twice what my husband makes. I don't resent being the breadwinner per se; the rent for our apartment is covered as part of his compensation and we live in an expensive area so when you factor in what we'd spend on housing otherwise, the gap doesn't seem so large. What I do worry/harbor some resentment about is, four years ago after graduating from an MBA program, rather than going back into the corporate world, he chose to work for a low-skill business run by an elderly uncle with the goal of eventually taking it over, but as time has gone by we've come to realize that that is never going to happen nor would we want it to. Due to our housing being tied to his employment, it doesn't make sense for him to leave until after my maternity leave ends (I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our first now) and we are in a position to relocate. I just worry that when the time comes for him to begin looking for corporate jobs, it'll be impossible to get a foot in the door when he's spent the better part of five years working in the same position as high schoolers (he has managerial responsibility in practice but not on paper, and his uncle is all but guaranteed to view us leaving as a betrayal and will probably not be willing to give him a reference to that effect). I'm just concerned that despite being extremely intelligent and capable, he's consigned himself to a lifetime of underemployment and me to being the permanent breadwinner, which I'm not really on board with - I was ambitious in my twenties and got to a pretty good place but I really don't want to have to worry about climbing higher on the ladder while we have young kids.</p> <p>I also have concerns about division of labor once the baby's here and I am back at work. I commute 45 miles each way, which amounts to about two and a half hours in the car every day - I'm usually gone from 7 AM to 5:15 or 5:30 PM. He works 1-8 PM, six days a week., and although the business does operate in the mornings also, his uncle has thus far shown little willingness to schedule him early a few days a week (or god forbid let him have 40 hours over five days) - the business runs better when my husband closes and if they could make him close seven days a week they would. On the one hand, we could probably get away with having a nanny in for five hours a day instead of full time day care. But on the other, it just seems overwhelmingly likely that I'm going to come home from my eleven hours out of the house, get stuck with all the evening feeding and bathing and putting to bed, then still have to deal with dinner and most of the work of running a household, while he has happy fun times with baby all morning and then hands her off to a caregiver when it's time for his 30-second walk to work.</p> <p>I really don't mean to sound bratty or ungrateful because he has to put up with FAR more bullsh*t at work/with his uncle day to day than I do (the issues around his schedule are the tip of the iceberg, to be honest), but I just don't see how I'm not going to wind up bearing the brunt of it at home. </p> <p>He does ALL the cleaning, so at least that's something? LOL. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001362 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:51:31 +0000 gotkimchi 2001362@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: @snowjewelz: I don't know how to get past this! I went down to 35 hours from 40 which is the minimum I can do to keep insurance and I HATE that I don't get a choice about this! If I could work 30 hours or so that would be great but regardless of the money we need insurance so I feel so stuck </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001356 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:48:26 +0000 Cherrybee 2001356@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@shellio: Confession: I had 6 months off (some company pay, some savings) but the norm here is to take a full year. I cannot imagine going back at 5/6 weeks - I really admire you. I have a lot to be thankful for in this country. *hides head in shame* </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001352 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:32:33 +0000 snowjewelz 2001352@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I def have envy issues for those who can SAH but choose to WOH! Of course, with a newborn now I def can add why some moms just can't SAH full time! I would love to even have the choice to go PT...</p> <p>@shellio: Ugh! It's prob the worst coming from your own family members! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001304 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:03:08 +0000 shellio 2001304@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MenagerieMama: @snowjewelz: @Cherrybee: I HATE those questions. My mat leave for #2 was actually paid but for #1 I worked until 1 day before he was born and took 5 weeks off. My mom tried to comfort me when I mentioned how lucky a friend who took 12 weeks off was - "Oh, honey, you can take as much time off as you want!" And you can pay my bills while I'm doing that. Thank you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001297 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 15:00:37 +0000 rachiecakes 2001297@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yep!<br /> DH lost his WAH job about a year after J was born. J's in part time preschool now so that DH can work a few gigs but most still falls on me. I enjoy working but it's a lot of pressure. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001290 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 14:55:50 +0000 Cherrybee 2001290@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MenagerieMama: @snowjewelz: Oh my goodness, I hated those questions!! Way to trigger my (just under the surface and fairly extreme) resentment! I don't even want to be a SAHM but the fact that other people get the choice and I don't really bothered me!!! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001229 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 14:31:00 +0000 snowjewelz 2001229@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MenagerieMama: I know! Or when I was pregnant people seemed surprised to hear that i would pretty much work till I give birth. I was like.. I can't afford not to! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001058 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 13:01:25 +0000 MenagerieMama 2001058@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@snowjewelz: I hear you on the stressful unpaid maternity leave as the breadwinner! People always asked how long I would take and if I was going back to work afterwards - like I had a choice! I'd like a roof and food please :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2001056 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 13:00:29 +0000 MenagerieMama 2001056@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm the breadwinner, although right now DH clocks more hours than me - but he's still technically a grad student. Although my earning potential is much greater than his so I suspect this pattern (me earning more, but him working more) will be a constant, just less of a divide. Right now I hate my job (although I love my profession) so I'm really bitter about not getting to SAH with my LO, and having to go out and bring home the bacon instead. I do more childcare than he does, since I work somewhat less (about 10-15 hrs less per week) but I work some evening and weekend shifts where he is on the hook for solo LO time which I think gives him a good perspective on what I do! But I am also the household manager and do all our finances, schedule appointments, etc etc and that gets exhausting. Right now we've had family helping with meals but it's going to go back to me pretty soon (and I hate cooking), and I also do all the laundry (we CD so there's a lot!). He helps with some of the cleaning, but has been bad about it lately (we got a groupon for 3 months of monthly cleaners and he feels like he doesn't need to clean then!). He does help a lot with our animals and he is great with LO. I think overall I just hate having to leave her when she's so little to a job I hate, even though I always intended to work part-time when our kid(s) were littles. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2000878 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 10:46:43 +0000 snowjewelz 2000878@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm currently the breadwinner, it's stressful now bc I'm on maternity leave and don't get paid! We do have a good amount of savings to tie us over. Our roles have always been the same from when our relationship began; </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2000866 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 10:39:12 +0000 drjolene 2000866@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm currently the only breadwinner, as well. DH worked full time, then part time, up until last year when he had to quit working to finish his last year of college (student teaching). He'll graduate this Spring, thankfully, but I will still be the primary breadwinner as I make nearly double his starting salary, and have higher earning potential long term.<br /> Honestly, I hate being the one with the bulk of the financial responsibility. I never had any thought of staying home even part time prior to marrying DH, and now I desperately wish I could cut back my work schedule (especially Saturdays!). I love homemaking and I would love to have a part time business of my own. The bulk of the debt load we have is mine, and if I could just eliminate most of that, I could at least go part time!<br /> I am grateful that DH will be able to be home with LOs in the Summer thanks to being an educator, though. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/breadwinner-support-thread#post-2000676 Mon, 29 Dec 2014 08:19:36 +0000 gotkimchi 2000676@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@reverie: this is my biggest complaint! I'm working full time and my dh was laid off and is finishing school. But I get up at 5 with lo everday and on my days off do her bedtime etc. When I'm home dh sleeps in and stays up late. So basically I feel like I'm either at work or I'm taking care of the baby and its sooo draining while he gets down time on my days off </p>