https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 24 Apr 2026 05:11:47 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2713218 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 15:40:33 +0000 Cherrybee 2713218@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@sauerkraut: I really love this perspective. Thank you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2713214 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 15:28:54 +0000 sauerkraut 2713214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cherrybee: so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm not sure this is going to make things better in the short term, but maybe try to take a long view of this? </p> <p>I had a grandma growing up who was... just not that fun for kids. Didn't like playing, had a ton of house rules, was really rigid about how things should be done. She had underlying anxiety and, I don't know, selfishness issues. She wasn't, like, harmful to be around, I just never really enjoyed spending time with her. But my mother always told me that she was my grandmother and it was important to see her and have a relationship with her. And as an adult, I think that was a valuable lesson to learn - that I could put aside being 100% entertained and catered to in order to build a relationship with someone in my family, who did care about me in her own way, even if it wasn't the way I preferred. </p> <p>Maybe your 4 year old won't always be thrilled to spend time with nanna, but you may end up with a 10 year old who knows something about being compassionate and kind to someone who needs it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2713132 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 13:48:40 +0000 Cherrybee 2713132@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jhd: @2PeasinaPod: I send my mum photos and videos every day and she loves them.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2713115 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 13:40:12 +0000 gingerbebe 2713115@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I also set up a private YouTube channel and uploaded all our videos there so family could watch when they wanted. If E is a show off you can say "lets make a tv show for Nanna so she can watch you when she misses you because she's sick!" Have E direct things to your mom on the video like play tea party and say "can you make Nanna a cup of tea since she's feeling poorly?" Like incorporate your mom as a pretend character. My son literally tries to feed my dad food over FaceTime (my dad says thank you and pretends to chew) and then DS will hug and kiss the iPad to say bye to my dad. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2713073 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 13:15:09 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2713073@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with sending a video or a photo. Just be prepared to get criticism instead of "awe...so cute!" responses. It's amazing...I used to send my mom a picture every day of the kids, and I stopped because I always got a, "his arm looks weird here." or a "are you sure he's not sick? He looks sick." I never got a "cute!" or anything positive. So I stopped sending pictures. When she asked, I told her why. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2713011 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 12:32:07 +0000 jhd 2713011@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I thought that might be the case! It's hard, I know. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. I do like the FaceTime suggestion. I also sometimes just take silly little videos of my kid doing things and text them to my ILs who don't see LO often. Just 30 sec of him blowing bubbles, building a tower etc </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2713007 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 12:28:35 +0000 Cherrybee 2713007@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jhd: no, she lives in a flat (you might say apartment?). It's a ground floor flat with a green space outside her window but she has an ongoing complaint with the company who own the block (complex?) about kids playing on the grass outside!! She can't stand the noise and is convinced one of them will run into her window and break it.....! You gotta laugh or you'll cry :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712995 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 12:17:16 +0000 jhd 2712995@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Along the same lines as the tv suggestion, does your mum have an outdoor space where your LO could play and your mum could watch out the window or something? I have several people close to me who struggle with anxiety and depression and it's tough. It's doubly hard when it's a parent and you just wish the relationships could be more positive. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712983 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 11:51:29 +0000 Cherrybee 2712983@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Rocker2014: I replied (above) before I saw you suggesting the same thing! Like I said, my kid isn't really into TV. She's into "playing". Doing, doing, doing - and talking constantly. I tried to bring gentle activities they could do together.... My mum can't handle noise or any running about (she sees accidents everywhere, breakages), so I brought a kids magazine with sticker activities. I left them to it while I went to make coffee and in just those few mins it all went wrong. My mum couldn't work out what the task was - I mean, this was a magazine designed for preschoolers and my mum can read perfectly, it's just she was so panicked by having to interact with E that she couldn't process the instructions.... Then E got frustrated..... I walked in with the coffee and my mum thrust the magazine at me saying "thank God, look your mum's here now, she can help you". Sigh. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712977 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 11:43:45 +0000 Cherrybee 2712977@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SLR: My almost 4 year old won't sit still for a movie. She's a really active child. She gets bored within a few minutes and just wants to run about and "play". And she's not really interested in food at all, even treats. It's a challenge to get her to stop to eat at all some days. Whereas the 1yo, wow, that kid loves food! </p> <p>@2PeasinaPod: thank you. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712975 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 11:42:59 +0000 gingerbebe 2712975@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I totally get it. I always think something will jar my dad out of being a total drama self-centered Eeyore, like grandkids or me almost dying after a surgery, but nope. However, I grew up with grandparents who loved me and it was really lovely and I know my dad DOES love my boys, he just doesn't show it the way I want. So I try to create the FaceTime scenario so that he can convey his love to them how he can and my kiddos can receive what my dad can give them and have positive memories or associations with him. My dad will just get sicker and frailer as time goes on so this may be as good as it gets before he really just can't be around them at all, so it's why I bother. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712974 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 11:42:43 +0000 Rocker2014 2712974@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@SLR: I was going to suggest the same thing! I have often used this kind of technique with families (I'm a therapist) when verbal communication is challenging. Since she's close by, it could even be a short tv show that they watch together as a ritual if you don't want a ton of screen time. (and if she wants to buy things for LO, she can buy things related to a show/movie they've watched together. That would create another layer in the relationship) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712953 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 11:26:46 +0000 SLR 2712953@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Could you do treats and movie nights at your mom's? That way that they could spend time there doing something fun but without a whole lot of forced interaction. Maybe with a bit of time, they would warm up to one another a bit more. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712898 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 10:31:27 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2712898@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: It's really difficult to forge a relationship with someone who so clearly doesn't want one. I say this as someone who has a mom who is a little like yours. Everything turns around to be about her. While she's not homebound like your mom, she pushes everyone away. I asked her and my dad to watch the boys for a funeral on my DH's side, and for 2 hours, she had my dad hang out with the boys while she cleaned my house. I didn't want you to clean my house...I wanted you to spend time with your grandchildren. She very much enjoys the idea of grandchildren, but can't stand actually spending time with them.</p> <p>Similar to your inlaws, my inlaws spend a ton of time with the boys and my MIL will find special activities for them to do together. She is truly someone who enjoys being a grandparent and enjoys her grandchildren. I try to look at it not as my kids not being close to my family, but gaining a family in my inlaws. The boys are so lucky to have such loving grandparents in my inlaws, and so are your girls. It's ok that your daughter doesn't enjoy time with your mom just like it's ok that my kiddos don't really enjoy time with my parents. Don't force something that isn't there, or you'll find your daughter is vying for some sort of approval from your mom. I did that my entire life with my mom and I'm 36 and still don't have it. It's tough to go 36 years without hearing that your mom is proud of you, and I imagine the same would go for a grandmother. Lots of love, and let me know if you need to talk more! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712877 Mon, 20 Mar 2017 10:06:10 +0000 Cherrybee 2712877@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thanks for the advice everyone. I've slept on it and I guess I can see today how wrong it is of me to try to force a relationship between two people who clearly don't want one - particularly because my motivation is obviously to fix my own childhood issues. I must have believed deep down that having grandchildren would bring out a maternal, loving part of her that simply doesn't exist..... It's probably a good thing my daughter doesn't like her, then she can never be disappointed. </p> <p>@ScarletBegonia: thank you for sharing your experiences. It helped a great deal. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712682 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 18:45:14 +0000 petitenoisette 2712682@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: it sounds like you fully understand why your daughter wouldn't like her and are doing what you can to keep the opportunity for a relationship open. I don't think it is helpful for you to frame this as a bigger problem bc she is "the only family" you have. Your DH's family is your family too now! </p> <p>I can understand how you feel bc my MIL has severe depression and is not much of a grandmother to my LO consequently. Obviously I realize that must be harder being your own mom, but I would just keep doing what you are doing and but accept that it might never get better. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712677 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 17:32:23 +0000 ScarletBegonia 2712677@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm taking a very pessimistic point of view here and I'm sorry for that since I sense you're asking for solutions/fixes...</p> <p>My grandmother sounds a lot like your mum - she is a clear cut narcissist, brings absolutely EVERYTHING back to herself and her problems. I hated her as a child (mostly because she loved my sister and didn't love me - lots of strangeness there, which is doesn't sound like you have any similar issues) and as I got older, nothing really changed except that I felt empowered to not see her if I didn't want to. From the age of about 8 I started telling my mum I didn't want to see her, and she was beside herself, badmouthed me to the whole family but I held my ground and I have no regrets. Children don't need to be around people who only want to spend time with them if they act or look a certain way. I strongly believe this. Children are loud, messy, have feelings and are selfish by nature, and if she can't cope with this then your children shouldn't be made to feel less than because of that. </p> <p>I've lived overseas for 10 years now, and I see her for 1 night when I visit home. I max out at about 3 hours with her. When I brought my son to meet her she barely looked at him. </p> <p>Like I said, I have NO regrets. I feel that I would have been damaged if I'd persisted in trying to establish a relationship with her, as my mother was (she is in fairly intense therapy due to her upbringing). </p> <p>Good luck - sorry if this isn't the advice you wanted - say the word and I'll delete if you'd like. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712643 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 14:25:16 +0000 Cherrybee 2712643@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@2littlepumpkins: Her anxiety has been getting gradually worse over the last few years. She worked full time up until her recent heart attack but she was getting taxis (cabs) to and from work every day because she could no longer walk to the bus stop. It was costing her £300 a month. She won't go anywhere unless she gets a lift to the door, or can get a taxi - she mostly only goes to the doctors these days. She does her shopping online and won't even walk to the local shop. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712642 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 14:19:04 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2712642@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: Aw, that sounds incredibly tough. I had bad anxiety after my first child was born, and every now and then get anxious (mostly focused on medical things I've dealt with) and it makes me not want to move, so I can sort of understand where she is coming from but on a much smaller scale. Is she housebound then? Facetiming has been fun for our kids and my parents (we live far away from them) and it doesn't have to be long either. It's less than ideal but it could be a start. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712638 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 14:07:04 +0000 Cherrybee 2712638@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I love the face time idea. My mum is always asking for pictures of the girls. She actually said once that she "prefers to dote on them from afar". E is a proper show off so she would love this. I will have to get over the resentment I know I will feel about this - my mum lives a 5min drive away. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712636 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 14:04:24 +0000 Cherrybee 2712636@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Tanjowen: I like this thought, thank you. I hope it's like this for them. :heart: </p> <p>@2littlepumpkins: it's difficult because my mum isn't very good at going places. It's her anxiety, really. She is convinced she is too ill and old to do things. To be fair, she did have a heart attack a few weeks ago, but she has been refusing to walk more than a few metres for years. She enjoys lunch in a restaurant but she gets upset if the kids are noisy in public..... I invited her to come to the pantomime last Christmas but she said she couldn't bear the noise. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712634 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 13:57:17 +0000 Cherrybee 2712634@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Coral: Yes, I think so. She blames it on my inlaws. She has a real problem with my inlaws and says she feels pushed out by them.... But when I try to explain what they do to deserve so much adoration (ie spend time with them) she gets defensive, reminding me that she can't drive, has poor health, has no money etc. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712624 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 13:19:57 +0000 birdofafeather 2712624@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>i'm sorry! that would really hurt. i think the above posters have good suggestions. sending love! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712617 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 13:04:25 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2712617@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: First of all I'm sorry o hear that, it would sting for me too. As a suggestion, what about something like a trip to the zoo where the focus is less on interaction and more on the animals and experience and the interaction could follow? And also for what it's worth, my daughter went through a long stage of saying "I don't like X" when she meant "I prefer Y." She didn't mean it as harsh as she said it. And for a long time she said "I don't like daddy!" even though she was always laughing and having fun when daddy was around. But she had a huge mommy preference so she would say that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712616 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 13:02:19 +0000 gingerbebe 2712616@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dad is like this. I'm sorry. The best way we have been able to keep a positive relationship is by getting my dad an iPhone and Facetiming with him. We often call him while DS1 is eating dinner and my dad likes watching him gobble his dinner. Then I will prompt things like "let's sing a song" or "did you see your friend so and so today?" So my dad feels like he is involved but it's more like a reality show he can watch. My son likes these interactions because he's comfy at home and someone is laughing and clapping for him when he sings. The calls last 5-10 minutes, we do them 1-2 times a week, and I can usually prompt my son to say "I love you bye!" before we hang up. We also regularly send my dad photos and funny videos of the kids on the iPhone that he can turn around and share or watch or brag on with others so he looks like a super involved grandpa.</p> <p>We only see them a few times a year and my dad doesn't do anything. But we try to ask him to rally for ONE thing, like playground at the park. We go with him obviously but ask him to do something small like push DS on the swing. Then we tell DS to do something FOR Grandpa like "can you show grandpa how you can slide down like a big boy?!" And he will run around yelling asking grandpa to watch him do stuff. Then we say "can you say thank you to grandpa for bringing you to this big fun park?!" And then my dad feels like HE did it and feels happy and DS feels like grandpa took him there because we said so.</p> <p>Another thing we do is when I read books to DS, my dad will act out the reactions. So if it's like "Dinosaurs HAPPY! And dinosaurs SAD." My dad will act laughing for happy and fake cry for sad. Again he feels involved and DS thinks it's hilarious. </p> <p>My dad really like animals and nature documentaries like Planet Earth. When my son is a bit older I'll probably find an episode that features animals DS likes or finds hilarious like meerkats or monkeys. They can sit and watch that together. For now animal books go over well. Again, I read them but Dad might make the animal sounds with DS.</p> <p>So between these type set ups my dad feels involved and my son thinks Grandpa is fun but actually I'm doing all the work. It sucks. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712614 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 12:59:40 +0000 Tanjowen 2712614@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Cherrybee: I don't know if this helps since I know you want them to enjoy her now while they are little, but I didn't really like my Nana until I was older. It might be the same way with your mom?</p> <p>My Nana was very controlling and definitely not a person that enjoyed children. Until we reached adulthood, we did visit with our parents but we never really wanted to do so.</p> <p>But when I became an adult, I adored her. She was hilarious, spunky and awesome, and we became very close until her death a few years ago. It was just unfortunate she couldn't handle children, and my LO only met her once and all she said is that he cried too much. :meh: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712605 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 12:28:30 +0000 Coral 2712605@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry. :heart: That must sting a lot. Is she aware that she is not close to her grandchildren? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/but-i-dont-like-nanna#post-2712596 Sun, 19 Mar 2017 11:39:27 +0000 Cherrybee 2712596@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice here or if I'm just venting but my almost 4 year old said this today, for the second time in two weeks, and I'm really cut up about it. She doesn't want to visit Nanna because she doesn't like her. </p> <p>My mum doesn't really make the effort to interact with my children (her only grandchildren). Her depression and anxiety prevent her from enjoying their company at all. She says she is "too scared" to be alone with them, she's never changed a nappy (diaper), doesn't pick them up when they cry etc. The only time she sees them is when we visit her and then she just sits in her armchair telling them to stop touching her blinds and to stop being so loud in case it bothers the neighbours.. ....</p> <p>...... So I can see why E doesn't like her. But it still stings. My mum is the only family I have. My inlaws are a big part of our life and both girls adore them. </p> <p>My mum wants them to love her. She buys in biscuits (cookies) for them and regularly buys them clothes or soft toys. But they don't want things, they want interaction. And she can't do it. It's obvious that they irritate the hell out of her, interrupting when she's trying to tell me all her problems or talk about her health issues.....</p> <p>Ive talked to her a few times about building a relationship with them and am making extra effort to include her in things and prioritise seeing her..... But I can't make her actually interact positively with them. She has been like this my entire life. She's depressed right now but, even when she is not, she is very self absorbed; she has always turned every conversation around so that it's about her. She really knows very little about me as a person but I thought her grandchildren would be interesting to her.... </p> <p>I just feel sad. :crying: I can't believe my daughter doesn't like the only family I have. </p>