https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Sun, 31 May 2026 18:01:22 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2661560 Mon, 05 Dec 2016 13:42:40 +0000 Banana330 2661560@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: my dd didn't get snuggly until 14 months or so... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2661556 Mon, 05 Dec 2016 13:36:54 +0000 Chuckles 2661556@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@desertdreams88: commiserating over here. My almost 3.5 year old told me this weekend that he didn't want to play in the snow with me, he wanted to wait and play with his grandmother (who is our grandma care 2 days a week, all day). Then he said, "I like Bubbie more than you. She has *lots* of toys." :crying: She is an awesome grandma who shows up every day with interesting toys for him to use while she's there, but still. Knife right through the heart. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660860 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 20:10:21 +0000 pachamama 2660860@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>That is sad, I totally understand! The other side of the story is, would you rather him be miserable with people all day? Its a positive problem ☺ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660837 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 17:30:15 +0000 DesertDreams88 2660837@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow there were lots of replies, so I can't reply individually, but thank you everyone for reassuring me that this is normal regardless of your work hours or your caregiver or grandparent hours! I think it wouldn't have hurt so much it was on a standard week day, but I view evenings, weekends, and breaks as "my" time and I might have to be a bit more zealous about guarding that... I didn't want to spend 8 hours a day of Thanksgiving break with family, but I had to, so that's that. </p> <p>And </p> <p>@JoyfulKiwi: your stories were hilarious and I literally LOLed. :) </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660785 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 15:07:05 +0000 MrsKoala 2660785@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My ILs don't even watch my oldest regularly but whenever we are at their place, he flips out when we leave. I hate it but I try to remember that she spoils the crap out of him there and almost never says no so of course he likes it better there and that does help. Sorry you are going through this. :/ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660780 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 14:53:40 +0000 2littlepumpkins 2660780@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: thi s happened with my son and my MIL and it did pass after not too long. My work situation is changing to PT but even before that it passed. Ds spent a lot of time with MIL while I worked FT from 5-13 months. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660738 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 13:39:14 +0000 looch 2660738@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My son and my parents are obsessed with each other. As an example, we're going to a gingerbread house building event and my son has told my mother that he is making the house for her. I do admit I died a little inside when my mom told me about it, because we were going to make it together and then I thought we'd display it at our house.</p> <p>But then, at night as my son and I cuddle before bed, he tells me I am his cutest and most favorite person in the world.</p> <p>So, I guess what I am trying to say is, he'll always be your son and you will always be his mommy. Someday, he will show you and tell you in ways you won't believe. Trust in that, momma! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660714 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 12:54:32 +0000 petitenoisette 2660714@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's helpful to just be happy your LO loves her grandparents so much and that it gives you a little break if you are all together. My LO 100% prefers my mom if we are all together and honestly I love it. However, if I try to imagine this from your perspective and it being my in-laws I think that would probably bother me more.</p> <p>Either way, you're definitely not doing anything wrong and I think you are fortunate to have 3 hours together everyday before bedtime. No screentime is a good idea, I definitely struggle with that when we get home because I just am ready to relax a little. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660637 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 11:07:36 +0000 JenGirl 2660637@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I think it's harder because it's your ILs. My son sometimes cries when we leave daycare, but it's not like we spedn time with our daycare provider on holidays or weekends, so it's not as in-your-face as it seems with your ILs.</p> <p>I will say, we have actually made a concerted effort to encourage our son to be okay being around/held by/play with other people and it has been largely successful. So much so that I started getting a little sad that he didn't really seem to prefer me to other people like my parents and aunt and uncle. Then over Thanksgiving, for some reason, he got SUPER clingy and only wanted mom and dad. It was kind of sweet at first, but after a couple days of it, I was done! So now I'm back to being glad he likes other people! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660472 Fri, 02 Dec 2016 00:37:56 +0000 irene 2660472@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you for writing this post and hugs! I've been lucky that DS prefers me most of the time, but there were times that my preferred status was "threatened" by other people. We had a nanny before DS turned one who watches him 40 hours a week. I think deep down I was very jealous and dislike the fact that another person / stranger has an intimate relationship with my son. This made me realize I can not do nannies ever again because of my jealousy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660428 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 22:17:05 +0000 Beth24 2660428@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can definitely relate! My mom watches DD Monday - Friday and definitely has a strong grandma preference. It used to be tough when she was young but now that she's 2 it's gotten easier to handle. She still loves her Gigi, but can verbally tell me how much she loves me/misses me when I'm at work and it is really nice to hear that. Before she was verbal all I could see was how much she preferred my mom at times. I also try to make the most of the weekends/evenings which I think helps big time. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660386 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 21:00:24 +0000 maddyz 2660386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I've been on both sides of this note. The baby sitter who is preferred and the shunned momma. Mostly I am grateful the lo1 can form such loving bonds with more then just me. And some days he prefers meet, but most the time the moment he sees his nanny I don't count anymore. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660378 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 20:49:18 +0000 paigeface 2660378@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I am going through almost the exact same thing right now (posted it today before I even saw this post!) and although it stinks your comments made me laugh and feel better. it seems like you ALL have gone through this in one way or another. thanks for sharing mamas! ♥️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660366 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 20:31:59 +0000 mrs.shinerbock 2660366@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm currently at home with LO2 (11 months) all day while LO1 is at school and DH is at work, and LO2 is happy and super cuddly, but the minute DH walks in the door, LO2 wants nothing to do with me. He is all about DH. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660324 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 18:38:55 +0000 youboots 2660324@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@JoyfulKiwi: your second paragraph is classic! I grew you in my body and sustain your life- give me a break kid. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660321 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 18:37:20 +0000 youboots 2660321@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>DD prefers my Mom or MIL over me. Recently we stayed overnight downtown and when she saw us she flung herself into my Moms lap, crying. These things stung at first. I SAH, I think this has nothing to do with work situation as much as kids like variety. It's not a dig at you, enjoy your free hands. This will ebb and flow. Your bonding strategies are great.</p> <p>Chin up, you are your child's only Mama. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660283 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 17:04:02 +0000 catomd00 2660283@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My 2.5 year old has gone through many phases of this. I remember it being pretty rough at 10 months and she was in daycare full time. Now she's with my inlaws 3x a week and I feel a lot better when she gets in one of those phases! It's hard but deep down you'll always be their #1! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660277 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 16:51:16 +0000 Miss Flamingo 2660277@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I work part time and my daughter LOVES my mom and dad who watch her when I am working. When she was a baby she would go through phases of preferring my mom and it would KILL me. It broke my heart. Now that she is older and I've seen her preference swing it doesn't bother me as much. Right now it seems that she loves everyone more than me but I know that it isn't true and that her preference will likely change again. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660199 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 14:55:46 +0000 JoyfulKiwi 2660199@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I think this is a thing lots of kids do, although it doesn't make it feel any better. I think emotionally you can remind yourself that his "preference" doesn't mean he's not bonded to you &amp; that multiple secure relationships are good for kids. Pragmatically, don't try to force anything (like cuddling if he doesn't roll that way), but making yourself available is good. Try not to burn yourself out with being there for him so much that you're not getting enough time for yourself. I promise you, there will come a time when all G wants is YOU. </p> <p>Kids cycle, man. Here're some fun stories: my oldest used to only want me to read him bedtime stories because I was "soft" and daddy was "scratchy". Guess who's been shut out of bedtime stories for the better part of a month? He told me last night that "my dad is just so good at stories and he's so snuggly. Maybe next week mom". :shocked: Also, I was nursing C in her daycare room a few weeks ago and her teacher walked in. C unlatched right away, practically threw herself out of my lap, and once I put her down she crawled across the room like there was no tomorrow to get to the teacher. Whatever girl. I'm just SUSTAINING YOUR LIFE FORCE OVER HERE. :silly: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660162 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 14:32:19 +0000 LibbyLou 2660162@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a view from the other side! My niece from the age of 9mos to now (she's 4) has been OBSESSED with my DH. If he's in the House she has to be with him, she won't say hi to me without asking where he is, would only be consoled by him if he was an option, etc. Seeing this I'm sure my BIL isn't thrilled by her obsession but I can tell you how much she loves my DH has gotten us through some really rough times. We talk about her all the time and those cuddles are forever in our memory. I guess I'm trying to say I'm sure like my DH he certainly isn't trying to replace your role in any way but the additional love and memories your LO is giving their grandparents are irreplacable. I can understand the guilt for sure but just like parents can love more than one child the child can love both mom dad and grandparents! All in different ways! ❤️ </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660107 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 13:49:45 +0000 2PeasinaPod 2660107@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: While I know this hurts, it has helped me to try to think of it in a way that there are so many people who love your LO and he loves them. </p> <p>DS1 is and always has been a daddy's boy. He's 4 now, but daddy comes first for so many things. I used to get really sad about it, but I started looking at it in a light that he idolizes his daddy, and DH is a great man. If LO can be the man my husband is, we've raised him wonderfully. I hope they always have that great of a bond. In other instances, like when I go on a business trip, DS1 is pretty bad for DH. I didn't realize how much he missed me until DH went on a business trip this week, and DS1 has been an angel for me. He also comes to my side of the bed in the middle of the night for help with things...so while it's not ideal, he needs me more. </p> <p>DS2 is attached at the hip to me; however, he's been in day care 5 days/week since he was 4.5 months. There is one teacher there who he adores...so much so that he can't wait to get out of my arms to see her when we get there. For some reason, I don't feel at all threatened by this. I'm his mama...nothing will ever change that. But when he sees someone who he plays with all day every day, he gets excited and wants to be held by them, and that's ok! There was a time where he was sick and I had him out of day care for a few days, and when we got back, he immediately went to that teacher and put his head on her shoulder because he missed her so much. I feel like it's a great bond for them to have because it means that the people who take care of him every day really care about him like he's their own. And while I know it's hard when it's grandparents, remember that you will always be his mama. </p> <p>My FIL actually gets really jealous when DS1 spends any time with anyone but him. On Thanksgiving, he was bothering DS1 so much, that he wanted nothing to do with him even though he spends a lot of time with him normally. At one point, he actually was like, "Pop-pop...I don't want to play with you right now. Please leave me alone." I know it hurt my FIL's feelings, but the more you push, the more he'll want to spend time with the ones who aren't forcing themselves on him. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660100 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 13:42:27 +0000 Mrs. Goose 2660100@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Aww. That definitely would feel sad. It could change day to day though. And my daughter who is 13 months often reaches for my sister who she loves and sees once or twice a week. At her first birthday party she didn't even want to be held by me except for a short period of time. Just wanted my sister mostly. Pulled at my heart a bit. However, as a full time stay at home mama I should be happy about that because most of the time she has a huge preference for me only and for the last week is super clingy and crying and won't even let my husband take her so it's a bit exhausting-I feel guilty about how I feel right now about her clinginess, negatively. I think there's always something to have guilt about. </p> <p>Your plans for extra attention sound good. And it's good that he has formed those good relationships with other people! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660096 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 13:38:24 +0000 Mrs. Champagne 2660096@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My mom doesn't provide care for us (I'm a stay at home mom) but my son vastly prefers her over me at any given moment. Loves his grandma! Today he was screaming that he wanted her and her only to put him for his nap. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660043 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 12:45:54 +0000 DesertDreams88 2660043@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrsbells: He is 10m and will not be going to preschool until age 3.5 or until the ILs quit / decide on other life plans. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2660006 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 12:21:44 +0000 Mrsbells 2660006@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I think its natural for a child to bond with their care giver especially in your case where the caregiver is also family and are taking care of him in a home setting. Like@FaithFertility: said this should set your mind at rest that he enjoys his time with them. Whether it seems like it or not he does know that you are his mom and no one can replace you. Kiddos tend to love their grandparents in a different way from the way they love their parents anyways because grandparents tend to spoil them more.<br /> My parents provided care for DD and she would beg to go there even on the weekends. Its sadly a part of being a working mother. How old is your LO and will he be going to a daycare/preschool environment soon? In those environments kids bond with other kids their age rather than just the care provider </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2659966 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 11:46:15 +0000 FaithFertility 2659966@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@DesertDreams88: I am so sorry! :( I am sure that hits you in the gut!<br /> At least you know DS is well taken care of and he LOVES his caregivers! You are still mom and he loves you too!!!!!!!!</p> <p>My DD is 2 and actually will ask to go to her sitters on weekends or days I keep her home!<br /> She will get upset! She has also cried for her when she was hurt or in trouble with me! </p> <p>It didn't make me feel great, but I reminded myself the other alternative! She could scream and cry when she goes and that would make me feel even worse! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caregiver-preference-over-mommy#post-2659963 Thu, 01 Dec 2016 11:42:41 +0000 DesertDreams88 2659963@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I was home with LO 0-3m and 5-6m. Now that I'm back at work, my sweet, loving ILs care for LO 7-3pm, DH does 3-4:30, and DH &amp; I are home with LO for about 3 hours before he goes to bed. </p> <p>Over Thanksgiving break we spent some time with them and there were multiple instances where he lunged out of my arms towards the ILs, wanting to be held by them instead. He also would crawl away from playing with me to play with them. One time he cried when they passed him off to me. It happened again this morning.</p> <p>This obviously inspires a lot of working mom guilt and jealously and sadness. I've resolved to do what I can by instituting a no-screentime rule when I'm home with LO (those few hours a day....) and by wearing him more often (he is 21lbs and 30in, heavy! but I bought a better carrier so I hope that helps...). I try to play with him too and that works somewhat but he is an independent play-er, and not a cuddler. But I still feel :crying: :crying: :crying: I'm his mom! I carried him for 9 months and stayed home for most of his first 6 months and nursed him exclusively!</p> <p>Anyone else deal with caregiver preference? How did you work through it emotionally or pragmatically? Maybe I'm just throwing myself a pity party here, I don't know...</p> <p>ETA: He is 10m and will not be going to preschool until age 3.5 or until the ILs quit / decide on other life plans. </p>