https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Tue, 21 Apr 2026 15:13:59 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798315 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 15:00:32 +0000 afc061018 2798315@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798302 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 14:29:39 +0000 Mamatimes3 2798302@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would be doing some big soul searching if it were me. You’ve “caught” him in two lies. So he wouldn’t have said anything if not confronted. How do you know he isn’t lying about other things? I guess to me lying is deceit that could lead to more. But I realize I am very black and white with these things. I would definitely explore counseling. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798279 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 13:30:41 +0000 anonbee2018 2798279@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@wrkbrk: thanks for this! I do think the comparison to cigarettes is apt, though there's def more of a stigma with pot </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798270 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 13:19:23 +0000 wrkbrk 2798270@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh ok this isn’t great BUT i feel like I’ve lied about smoking cigs before :/ I’d be upset with him but if he apologized etc I’d get over it. There are worse things in a marriage! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798268 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 13:14:18 +0000 anonbee2018 2798268@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Truth Bombs: oh that vacation planning def isn't happening or an excuse to allow this to blow over! his sending me links was just the opening to actually having a conversation about his lying (and not a convo about the vacation). I do think he;s being honest now, but it's definitely something we're going to continue to work on moving forward </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798265 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 13:03:47 +0000 nana87 2798265@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>aah duplicate post! oops! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798261 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 12:57:24 +0000 nana87 2798261@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree that it's a good sign that he fessed up quickly, though I hope he's being truthful now :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798255 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 12:32:36 +0000 Truth Bombs 2798255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes. I’m really shocked at the posters that say you should look at your own reactions as the possible reason for his lying. Talk about blaming the victim. Regardless of your reactions in the past, it is not and never will be your fault if your husband, a grown ass man, chooses to lie to you. And I agree that these aren’t little white lies, these are big lies. I wouldn’t let the distraction of planning a vacation result in letting this blow over. If you’ve caught him twice lying on some pretty big items, it’s likely fair to assume he’s lied other times that you haven’t caught. I would definitely be trying to do some couples therapy together to built trust back up and move forward in a way that the lying stops. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798253 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 12:12:32 +0000 anonbee2018 2798253@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@petitenoisette: oh gosh that sounds just like how I felt! We have talked before about when it's okay with me--mostly social situations outside our home. But the knee-jerk reaction is definitely something we need to work on!</p> <p>@bubblegum: thanks! :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798249 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 11:59:01 +0000 bubblegum 2798249@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonbee2018: I'm glad to hear the update!! I think it's great that you guys are able to move pass this! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798246 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 11:50:13 +0000 petitenoisette 2798246@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonbee2018: I agree that it seems like he lied because he got caught and it was just his gut instinct, not because he really was trying to lie to you bc of your reaction or anything. And I would be comforted by the fact that he fessed up quickly and it's not like he spun this tall tale to try to get out of getting caught. </p> <p>I know how you feel though when you've agreed on something like not smoking - my DH quit smoking cigarettes when our LO was born and a couple times I have thought I smelled them on him and my stomach just DROPPED even though I understand that it's not a terrible thing if he relapses and we'd work that out. But I hated feeling like he broke my trust (and I think I was mostly just being really paranoid in my case and he never admitted to smoking). I guess in your case the two things I would address are his knee-jerk reaction to lie and also whether there are instance where him smoking would be ok with you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798244 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 11:41:52 +0000 anonbee2018 2798244@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@gingerbebe: I agree that these are different than white lies, but they also haven't been dealbreaker ones for us. With pot, it's so far from the frequency he used to smoke. And he did admit he was lying in the span of just a couple minutes of me calling him out. With the bachelor party, it wasn't him initiating the strip club plans but I get that there's an aspect of peer pressure/not wanting to make a scene if it's what the groom/people planning the party want. When I called him out, he told me the full story (including ghosting on the group and going to a "normal" bar instead after a little while). And when he was the one planning the bachelor party for a different friend a couple months later, it didn't include any strippers. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798235 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 11:30:11 +0000 anonbee2018 2798235@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>thanks everyone! :heart: dh and I ended up talking about it just now (we both work from home, and he started sending me airbnb links for a possible vacation we'd talked about, and I was like "seriously??" so that was a good icebreaker!). He actually came clean(-er) and said he's smoked occassionally at home (like 2x/year) and when he's had pot that he's been given by friends, he keeps it high on a shelf that lo1 can't reach (yet). He said he knows the lying is inexcusable. We'll be able to move past this, I think.</p> <p>@bubblegum: your point about stress is such a good one. I asked him if that's why he smoked, and he said last night he thought of it because he's been having trouble sleeping lately, and he was reading a book about the crazy diet he's been on for months (keto) and it mentioned the diet can cause insomnia. So he smoked to help him sleep. But there are waaaay better solutions to that! I had a dr tell me to take melatonin, for example, which is a much better solution that he's down to try.</p> <p>@youboots: the legality doesn't bother me so much--we're in a state where it isn't legal but also isn't enforced. he also doesn't buy it--he was given the joint by a friend who grows it himself in a state where that's legal. In the past dh was waaaay sketchier about this (he used to deal himself in college, before I knew him, when/where it was def illegal...) so I've known about that since the beginning of our relationship. And in this case he was smoking a joint--he gave away his pipes before we had kids. The lying is definitely the issue, though I do think he's being honest with me now.</p> <p> @Anagram: I totally get what you mean. He doesn't lie normally, like our finances are shared and I always know where he is (and he works from home, so I really do know haha). Thinking about it more, I don't think he's afraid of MY reaction--your example about your parents makes me think this is prob more about how HIS parents (over)reacted to him in the past. Like, his parents once threatened to cut him off financially if he moved into an apartment in a neighborhood that they thought was unsafe (it was actually very safe). When we've had these fights before (like about the bachelor party) I've been pretty calm, I've never made threats or ultimatums or anything. I think I yell more about mundane things like him forgetting to wash my pump parts overnight haha.</p> <p>@Adira: what you said about gut instinct is exactly I think what this is--it's a defense mechanism that's automatic but still hurtful. We haven't talked about couples therapy but maybe we should. He's been in therapy since his father passed away and to deal with his family drama since. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798231 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 11:23:03 +0000 gingerbebe 2798231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I can’t deal with lying. I don’t have time to ferret out the truth, I don’t have time to sit there questioning everything you do, I don’t have time to obsess about whether you’re telling me the truth this time or wondering if I got suckered again. My kids don’t deserve to witness that kind of relationship modeled before their eyes. No. Just no. Pot and strip clubs are not white lies about sitting in the car listening to NPR. It’s choosing his own pleasures over the well being of his marriage and his wife’s trust. No. Just no. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798204 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 10:37:37 +0000 Adira 2798204@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I do agree about the reasons for lying. I have people that I lie to or withhold the truth because they can be super judgmental and hold grudges. I'm not saying the OP is like this - but it's definitely something to examine if lying has been an issue in their relationship. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798199 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 10:33:45 +0000 Adira 2798199@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Ugh, this sucks.</p> <p>I would never condone lying, but I do kind of get the gut instinct to lie when you're caught doing something wrong. It's hard, for anyone, to admit they made a mistake or did something they shouldn't. But trying to gaslight you about it... yikes!</p> <p>You mention he's in therapy. Are you doing couples counseling as well? I might start there if it's possible. It's definitely going to take a while to rebuild your trust and a good counselor can really help you figure out what that path looks like and what you both can expect and do to move forward.</p> <p>I'm sorry. &lt;3 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798198 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 10:31:57 +0000 Anagram 2798198@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>People lie when they feel like they can't tell you the truth. So you might want to examine that end a little before you decide what to do. Is his lying an issue that comes up repeatedly, where he lies about all kinds of things (say finances, or where he is)? Or does he have a valid expectation that you tend to fly off the rails over somewhat minor things so he feels like it's easier to just not tell you?</p> <p>I've noticed that sometimes when I lie over small things (this is ranging from me as a teenager talking to my parents, to me talking to my husband), it's generally because I feel like the other party can't "handle" the truth without unnecessarily freaking out. Like my parents were old school and were very anti-dating and super suspicious. I had a group of both guy and girl friends and if we were meeting to study together for a math test, for example, I would just lie and tell my parents I was studying with just the girl friends. Easier not to tell them the truth, when they would overreact to something that was not wrong in the first place.</p> <p>Sometimes now I'll go to the grocery store and just sit in the parking lot listening to music or NPR and then lie when I get home and say "lines were really long" (which...they are on weekends). And I think I do that because my husband is the WORST about watching both of our kids together by himself so he makes up all kinds of excuses why he "can't" do it unless I have a "good reason" to be away alone and I think his idea of good reasons are really arbitrary. And we could have a big marital hash-it-out discussion every time, or....I can just say we need groceries and take a little me time in there too. It would be nice if I could just say, "I really need some me time to just do nothing for an hour with no other people around me", but he's not always receptive to that when that means he'll have to pick up the slack while I do that. I'm pretty sure most people do this kind of stuff sometimes.</p> <p>So, start with examining the reasons behind the lie. And go from there.</p> <p>eta: *if* what he says is true and this is the first time in many years, I don't think it's a big deal at all. That's just my own personal stance on it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798195 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 10:27:39 +0000 youboots 2798195@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Yikes. This is concerning to me for several reasons.</p> <p>Is it legal where you live? It is where I live so it’s not a big deal legally- but if not he is putting himself at risk buying illegal drugs. </p> <p>Do you know if it was a pipe or a joint? Pipes indicate regular use. It’s possible he could also be using edibles without you knowing.</p> <p>Logistics aside this is a breach of trust. There’s two separate issues- lying and drug use and both are concerning. I have a lot of thoughts but I think you should go into therapy together to discuss this issue since you already have one.</p> <p>I think you are taking it pretty well but I would be upset about the lying. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798191 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 10:20:43 +0000 bubblegum 2798191@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@anonbee2018: *sigh* this is tough. Should he have lied? No, lying is never okay. BUT IF it were me, I wouldn't make it that big of a deal ONLY because...it seems like he has a lot going on, with therapy for his family issues and not having you to himself (which is not your fault!) but it does tend to get the best of people at times. I would just try to figure out what would work best for his stress other than weed, something you are both comfortable with and able to do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/caught-dh-lying#post-2798185 Fri, 19 Jan 2018 10:11:14 +0000 anonbee2018 2798185@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Regular poster here going anonymous for this because...well I'm really disappointed in my husband and honestly, I'm embarrassed. This isn't the end of the world/relationship ending, but I need to vent and would love to hear about what you would do if you were me/what you've done in similar situations.</p> <p>Last night, I was getting into bed after our kids were asleep and dh came in to say goodnight and gave me a kiss. He smelled like pot. I called him out, he acted innocent/"that's weird! is it my shirt? I wonder why?"/etc and acted like I was crazy for smelling it. Finally he admitted he had smoked.</p> <p>This bothers me for a bunch of reasons:</p> <p>-He used to smoke a lot, but we had a big talk/agreement BEFORE we had kids or started ttc that he wasn't going to bring it into our home after we had kids. a)because 2nd/3rd-hand smoke is bad and b) because we wouldn't want our kids to find it. our oldest lo is old enough to explore every single drawer in our home now.</p> <p>-He lied to my face, and then tried to gaslight me about it. He knows gaslighting is terrible and we talk about it a LOT in terms of politics and now #metoo</p> <p>-We had a similar conversation/fight about lying about something he knew i'd be mad about earlier this year--about a bachelor party that included strip clubs. both before he went and after we had conversations about being honest, and he still lied to me both before and after. You'd think that'd drill it into his head now that he needs to NOT lie to my face...</p> <p>-We've struggled with intimacy a bit lately. Not just sex, I've been telling him I need more affection/emotional connection and he says he's "trying" and he is in therapy and working on issues with his family and communication...but the therapy is not really for working on our issues. I almost always go to bed before him because our youngest is nursing/not sttn, but it isn't THAT early lately--our oldest has been up til 9/9:30 lately. Last night I asked him if he doesn't come to bed when I do because he's waiting until I sleep to secretly smoke, and he said no, this was the first time he'd smoked at home in years...but I don't know if I believe him.</p> <p>Ugh ugh ugh. My stomach just feels like it's been turned inside out. :( I was really calm when confronting him last night, and haven't said anything today, but I'm still mad. He isn't confrontational and is probably waiting for me to say something. </p>