https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 14 May 2026 12:53:27 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883631 Tue, 07 May 2019 19:21:29 +0000 ShootingStar 2883631@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We don’t do any weeknight activities. We do soccer (DS 5) and swimming (DD 2 and DS) on Saturday mornings. I expect they’ll start an instrument in late elementary school. </p> <p>So I agree with others to simplify your routine. Then build on it one at a time. Also, when DS is yelling at me and getting unreasonably mad, I tell him calmly and directly that that’s not nice and that’s not how we speak to mommy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883531 Tue, 07 May 2019 08:04:31 +0000 Becky 2883531@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I may have lost this somewhere up there, but have you basically tried the cry it out approach? So basically seeing if you let him get upset for a few days in a row but you don't change the rules, will he continue to throw this huge tantrum every single day, or will he eventually cave in?</p> <p>I don't make my DD do homework when she comes home. She's been at school all day, and needs to have a snack and go play. She doesn't get to watch a show when she comes home--that's just asking for trouble (and they never get iPads anymore because the behavior issues were outrageous). She doesn't get homework often (she's in K) and it only takes her a few minutes, so she usually does it on the school bus. If she doesn't do it on the bus, she usually chooses to do it when she has her snack and whoever is with her will sit down with her or at least be in the same room and chat about her day as she goes through it. So she's getting a snack and some quality time while doing something she has to do. If the homework doesn't get done in the evening, she does it in the morning. If she doesn't get the homework done at all I don't really care because she's in K, but she DOES care (same kind of thing goes for wear a yellow shirt day type things).</p> <p>What time does he get home? If you're getting home at 3:30-4pm, you could let him take 30 minutes-an hour to relax or play before homework and then baseball. And what's your morning routine start to finish? My DD usually gets up about 6:30, gets dressed, comes down and watches a show while eating, goes up and does her checklist (teeth, hair, face, socks, make the bed), and we still have time to spare even on days we have to leave at 7:45 and I also have to get her sister ready. I'll let them watch an extra show many days because I have a 3 year old and I need to get myself ready for work, but I fully reserve the right to turn the TV off when I say it's time (I give a warning), and they can cry all they want. But honestly they usually play or read for a good while in the morning--way longer than the 15 minutes it would take him to do homework or practice piano. Are there any consequences for his attitude though? Like has he lost the privileged of going to a practice or a play date for being nasty to you?</p> <p>Also (so long sorry!) physically helping or being with my DD if she's not getting something done makes a huge difference. If I say it's time to get your shoes on and she's grumbling or crying, I know it's probably because she's sad it's time to leave so I'll take the 30 seconds to squat down to her level and help her. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883526 Tue, 07 May 2019 07:15:21 +0000 Foodnerd81 2883526@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: in terms if after school, I wonder if there is some compromise, like half an hour of downtime but not something that’s going to suck him in so he refuses to them do his homework after. My daughter is only 5 and not yet in kinder, so I don’t know what that would look like for your son. I do know sometimes when we get home my kids just like to run in the driveway for a little bit before we go inside. I know I like downtime when I get home before jumping back into work so I feel for kids. But also, I’m an adult who still makes sure my stuff gets done. </p> <p>As for the activities- I feel you there too. It does feel like it’s easy to overachedule kids, but at the same time, now is the time to figure out what sports you like or whatever. I never did any sports as I got older and I wish I’d had some kind of team I enjoyed playing on, so I’m hoping my kids can find that. Not for their college applications or so they can win the state championship, so they can be part of a team and have something active that they enjoy. </p> <p>Also- didn’t your husband get upset last week that you forgot a certain dress up day? How can he now say you should let him suffer if he forgets his certain shirt? Seems a little unfair on you in this instance. </p> <p>I’m mostly just following along since I never make my kids do chores and definitely should! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883525 Tue, 07 May 2019 07:07:39 +0000 Andrea 2883525@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with you that work should come before play (ideally), but this might not work for every child. Maybe they will get into this habit when they are older, but it may not be realistic to expect that now. I can say this because my DD1 is perfectly happy coming home and doing her homework, but DD2 needs the downtime, especially now that it's heading towards the end of the school year. She is definitely burnt out! I always ask if she will do her homework upon getting home, especially since her older sister is doing it anyway, but she doesn't usually comply and I have to respect that. </p> <p>Perhaps it has been easier to get "your way" since you only have 1 child and you haven't had to parent another one with a completely different personality and needs. However, your son is obviously growing up and starting to assert his independence. So I can only suggest that you adapt to this change and not fight it, which I think you are trying to do since you are posting here. :heart: </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883500 Mon, 06 May 2019 23:27:27 +0000 ALV91711 2883500@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: Injust want to say you are doing such a good job and always looking for ways or ideas to help you with parenting. I agree with you on homework/chores/responsibilities first before play. DS is 6 and in kinder and I’m this way. My one problem is he doesn’t have set chores, it is more what has to be done that day. For example today before school I told him he would have to put away his clean kaundary when he got home before he could go out and play. </p> <p>I think you need to be clear, cisistsnt &amp; have realistic expectations. Whatever those may look like for your family as every kid is different in what they can handle. I also hope you can find a way to set up your DS to be successful so you don’t have to nag him too much! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883486 Mon, 06 May 2019 21:05:14 +0000 irene 2883486@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Silva: Thank you so much for your kind words .... :heart: </p> <p>@DesertDreams88: Thank you :heart: -- I understand where you are coming from, and yes I do believe having a break would be ideal..... for a more mature person who cares and are deeply responsible for his/her daily work. DS is FAR from that. If we were to adopt that in my house, it will be another kind of daily fight. He'd probably never does any work because once he starts playing he crashes. There were a few days I didn't say anything (I had a work deadline or something). He went on to play and never came back to do work with his own free will.</p> <p>If DS were to show more responsibility and ownership to his own work, and he gets his work done without me ever having to remind him, sure, I don't care when or how he does it. But it doesn't :crying: If you have any smart ideas to turn this ship around, I will happily follow!!</p> <p>My OP was using the morning routine as example. I was not posting specifically about the morning routine. I don't think it is going to help to elaborate because it will go back to the topic of my expectations. What I mean with work before play is, do you let your children play on the iPad/video games when clearly there is homework yet to be done...? Say you are going to Disney this coming weekend -- would you hush your LOs to finish whatever homework before going so you can come back without worrying about them? To me work before play is a core concept that defines your character. It adopts on little things all the way to big ones (at least for me). Focus on taking care of the small things, the big things will come in order. I think it is a good work ethic and I would love it if DS adopts it. Sorry but on this topic clearly we have to agree to disagree.</p> <p>And actually yes, we have after school commitments.... 5:30-7:15 baseball, 2 times a week during week days lol. And we have occasional weekday playdates! </p> <p>Today as we were driving to baseball at 5pm (haha), You all inspired me and I asked DS, hey, so I see that you really don't want to follow the daily coming home routine of hang up your school bag, unpacking your snacks, wash your water bottle, do your homework (15 mins tops), play piano (for 5 to 10 mins - so afraid I'd get frown upon by all). It doesn't work, you didn't want to do your work/chore. Can you tell me is there anything you'd like me to do, or if we can change the routine up so you would actually want to get the work done without me ever having to say anything? He said, no, NOTHING is going to get me want to do my work/chore. It is all fine now. Ahhhhh. </p> <p>Thank you again! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883465 Mon, 06 May 2019 17:48:44 +0000 DesertDreams88 2883465@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I understand work before play. But school *is* work. School is a lot of mental work for 7 hours a day, with very little unstructured time at all. Again, I believe all students, all ages *cognitively need* a break after school, particularly from homework. Like I said, google after-school restraint collapse, makes total sense, and I am a teacher so I know how important school is. </p> <p>"He's only 1st grade, life is going to get harder and more homework and less time" True, but he will also need less sleep as he ages, going to bed at 10 or 11 in middle school vs. 8pm(???) now.</p> <p>"I am the type where if you didn't finish homework we are not going to xyz's play date or a baseball game," Are those weeknight commitments? I'm only talking about the after school hour, 3:30-4:30ish. I realize your post was about morning routines, but I was responding to one of your other comments about the reading bag and your LO questioning why work before play. </p> <p>However lastly I want to echo @Silva: that I admire your dedication to reflective, intentional parenting and I wish more of my students had parents who were proactive. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883463 Mon, 06 May 2019 17:28:49 +0000 Silva 2883463@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: you and I have very different parenting styles and beliefs about parenting/kids, so I don’t have advice but I wanted you to know that I have so much respect for your willingness to explore the way that you do things and how you are always trying to find new and improved ways to parent your son. It’s really admirable. And you inspired me to become more consistent about getting my 6 year old to do some chores around the house- we are super laid back and haven’t really pushed it, but your son is capable of doing so much at age 7 and I realized that not expecting some help from my 6 year old sends her the message that I don’t think she can do it.<br /> Anyway- I just wanted to say you are doing a really good job, and it’s hard to be a mom. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883420 Mon, 06 May 2019 11:55:59 +0000 irene 2883420@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you all. I admit I am feeling defensive, and yet I want to thank you for reminding me repeatedly (via various of you) that I am expecting too much from a 7 year old. Everything you said makes sense. I've been easing my mind a little and I stepped back. So please understand that your thoughts/comments/advice does make a difference. Thanks.</p> <p>@Kemma: @MrsADS: DS and I spend a lot of time to connect, to a point I think sometimes DH is jealous. We read Harry Potter (I read to him) easily for a whole hour easily at bedtime every night and he's obsessed (I seldom spend a full hour with DH at night lol). Amongst other things we joke and we have fun. DS is a sweetheart when it is not one of those moments. Sometimes I feel we are having too much fun that's why I became more of a pal rather than an authoritative figure. </p> <p>@Kemma: I agree with the negative cycle. and @MrsADS: Yes we hug / touch way more than 10-15 times a day. I do agree we don't have as much time as we were at 3 years old on spending unscheduled time together.</p> <p>@erinbaderin: I am not the one worrying about college application, it was the other moms telling me!!! With cub scouts and baseball they are things that you can't just join in the middle when they are older, so I think that's why people all flocked to get in scouts. I do not know how people does scouts and baseball together. Baseball really consumes your life. Then when they are older and if they are good they do travel baseball which takes your life and your soul :silly: . People with 2+ kids (and the dad coaches) they basically LIVE on the baseball / softball field during baseball season I swear. I don't know how they do it. That's why I feel a little defensive about everyone telling me I am doing too much. I honestly thought I were one of the more normal ones lol</p> <p>@gotkimchi: Things radically different would require me to not react emotionally on anything he does. I am a super emotional person and I just do not know how. We will be stopping piano during summer, and there will be no baseball summer. But these two things are things I do not want to give up yet. It was hard for DS to find a sport that he truly love so much, and he became a different person on the field. Then DH WANTED him to learn one instrument (I play piano but I can't teach DS myself because, well, he doesn't listen to anything I say). </p> <p>@MamaCate: @ElbieKay: Thank you so much for your kind words.... I can't / are not give up on the "explaining" yet. DH felt strongly about it. DH said he saw a lot of himself in DS. He was the extremely stubborn and defiant boy who didn't listen to anyone and no one bothered to explain to him why he was ordered to do anything. So when he didn't listen his mom beated the crap out of him and he had been very resentful. So he was the one who has been the most patient for the 2000 questions while I am pulling all my hair out. I do believe that he understood where DS is coming from. He said all the talking is working, they just won't work overnight. It will take weeks/months/years. Sigh. We'll see. I do not understand this at all because I listened to my parents and I did whatever that I was told when I was a kid. </p> <p>With that said, there was one time DS didn't want to do this big homework (read about a famous person's biography, colored a picture based on the person he read about, and put three items that were related to this person in a bag for show and tell in class), and he whined, sulked, rolled on the floor and DH sat on the floor and reasoned with him. I didn't think that was right and THAT I think he was manipulating us. I didn't like that at all. I don't know how to get DS to want to do his work. He did a pretty crappy job for that assignment and he indeed said he was embarrassed when other people's presentation were so cool. But then another assignment came he was also not very enthusiastic. If I said dude, you gotta get this done it is due this Friday, no more whining please, it gets back to the loop I have in the OP - he gets upset and doesn't do it anyway. He would only happily do something IF it was something he WANTED to do... which shouldn't be like that. Theoretically we can all ignore him and let him really get in trouble in school (something that would cause me to hurt physically and go explode in the cornfields so I honestly don't think I can do), but I have yet to see anyone really get in trouble at school, and I am a little worried he'd learned that he can get away with it doing crappy work or not doing work at all.</p> <p>@Andrea: Thank you, I agree. </p> <p>@DesertDreams88: Hmmm work before play is my motto and so that's not negotiable.... besides, elementary school lets out at 3:15pm. We get home at 3:30pm the earliest. If he gets 1-2 hours of play time before homework, it will be dinner and night time routine, I don't know about your LOs but I can forget about DS willingly going back to homework. Then the neighborhood kids may be out to play after dinner and he couldn't go because of homework. He's only 1st grade, life is going to get harder and more homework and less time. To me that's just a plain life value and that's how both DH and I operate. I am sorry but I am the type where if you didn't finish homework we are not going to xyz's play date or a baseball game, the reason we get work done quickly so we get more time to play. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883310 Sun, 05 May 2019 08:25:51 +0000 DesertDreams88 2883310@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>There's a lot of comments here so forgive me if I missed it, but your comment about work before play struck me - I would definitely let him have 1-2 hours of downtime after school before trying to push chores, hw, etc. Google "after school restraint collapse " - it's so real. Even as an adult I need decompression (play) time after work. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883309 Sun, 05 May 2019 08:16:42 +0000 Andrea 2883309@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds to me like your son is burnt out from school, activities, the nagging or all of the above. I would pick one area to change first and see what happens. </p> <p>And no adult is perfect so how can a 7 year old be expected to remember everything all the time? You have to allow him some margin of error. I’m sure he is still doing a lot of things very well from what I have read about him from your posts so ease up in the other areas. </p> <p>Kids need room to fail so I definitely agree that you need to allow him to not do some things and face the consequences. But it should still be age appropriate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883308 Sun, 05 May 2019 07:25:17 +0000 gotkimchi 2883308@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@erinbaderin: I think this is spot on because it actually doesn’t matter if it’s age appropriate or not if what you’re doing isn’t working you have to change it. So @irene: I would try something radically different, whatever that is or means for you. Baby him so he wants some independence, don’t explain things, take him out for a date alone to connect, skip baseball and piano idk just change things up for a minute and see what it brings to the surface so you guys can figure things out. Radical candor and fearless feedback </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883307 Sun, 05 May 2019 06:57:27 +0000 erinbaderin 2883307@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>If somebody spent 30 minutes explaining why I had to do something to me I wouldn’t want to do it anymore either. That’s too much talking and explaining!</p> <p>A lot of people have told you that you’re expecting too much from a 7 year old. You seem to disagree, which is fine, but the thing is that it doesn’t seem to be working for your family! I think that if you relaxed your expectations a little, even believing that you weren’t asking too much of him, you’d all be a lot happier. The extra few minutes you’d spent doing some things that you currently expect him to do you would more than save in nagging and arguing and tears. </p> <p>I also guarantee you that no college applications care what your child did at age 7. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883305 Sun, 05 May 2019 06:34:37 +0000 MrsADS 2883305@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My oldest is 3.5, so I won't pretend to know anything about 7yos. But I tend to agree w/ @kemma. </p> <p>My son is extremely strong willed and challenging and it is HARD some days. 2 things make a huge difference for him:<br /> (1) ATTENTION and hands-on affection, and<br /> (2) adequate sleep/not being overscheduled or overstressed. </p> <p>I don't see any of these changing when he's school aged, really. If my son isn't getting positive attention, he will seek it negatively by screaming, crying, refusing to listen, I wonder if your son might respond better if instead of immediately starting with the reminders and tasks, just spend some time connecting with him? Like can you read a book or two together? How about fix breakfast and sit and eat together and talk about your days? Start the day with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you, how did you sleep?" I feel like I read somewhere that kids need a minimum of like 10-15 affectionate touches a day from their parents to feel "connected". </p> <p>Also it sounds like your son has a ton on his plate and is pretty overscheduled, IMO. It may be the "norm" for kids to have school, a sport, and a musical instrument but IMO it's way too much for a 7yo. I would try really hard to prioritize some unscheduled "down time"/playtime with mom and dad where you can connect and also let him blow off some steam. Neighborhood walk, throwing a frisbee, going to collect rocks, building trains, whatever. Even like going to the store together and having a chance to talk and spend time together. </p> <p>Again, I don't have a school age child, so maybe I am off base! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883301 Sun, 05 May 2019 02:46:19 +0000 Kemma 2883301@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just a thought but do you think he’s feeling a wee bit micro-managed and lacking control / autonomy?</p> <p>My other thought is that it’s really easy to get stuck in that negative cycle and sometimes I get to the end of the day and realise that I haven’t said anything positive to my almost 7yo or taken the time to connect with her. Perhaps you could try hanging with your son in the bathroom while he showers or making breakfast with him? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883293 Sat, 04 May 2019 21:35:25 +0000 ElbieKay 2883293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: it sounds like he is manipulating you with all the whys. I would stop belaboring the reason and just give him a consequence for not complying. Obviously the explanations are not accomplishing anything, and anyway you are his mom. You do not owe him an explanation for why he needs to take a shower. By explaining you are probably just leaving the door open for a debate. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883291 Sat, 04 May 2019 21:34:02 +0000 MamaCate 2883291@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: first of all, I am so sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now!</p> <p>Second, I wonder how much your frustration is affecting your son’s behavior. If you get upset and nag, and then he gets upset that you are nagging and you feel bad and apologize and then he is annoyed, that is a lot of big emotions and not a lot of room for task completion.</p> <p>Third, reading this last description it sounds like this questioning and declining to do what is expected is a consistent behavior for your son. In my mind, these types of things tend to be behaviors that are serving a purpose for your child. In the scenarios you described (him asking why again and again, you and dh explaining in new and different ways the reasons), what is it accomplishing for your son? </p> <p>If you can figure out what he is accomplishing and then find a different way to address it, that may be more effective. What would change if you stopped explaining til you were blue in the face?</p> <p>In my house as far as daily tasks, I am not giving that much of my energy and attention to the why why why. You brush your teeth because you have to. If you want to goof around I will warn you and then take away a privilege or I will remove myself from the slow pj process. I also use a timer to signal the end of an activity like dinner so that we can all move on to the next thing. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883289 Sat, 04 May 2019 21:00:14 +0000 irene 2883289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@ElbieKay: Thank you. Sorry I was defensive. Honestly I do not know what to do. I can't help to feel disappointed. The thing is if I don't insist, he doesn't even do the things he used to do when he was a toddler. Nowadays if you go into his room it is a mess. His dirty clothes are never in the hamper, his towel left on his bed after a shower and he won't hang it up. These are things he used to do when he was 3. </p> <p>He also doesn't learn from natural consequences ! Say he left his uniform on the ground, didn't put it in the hamper as he kicked it under his bed. It didn't get washed as I genuinely didn't know. Now he frantically tried to find pants on a school day, he asked me on the edge of tears and i said I have no idea. Then we found his dirty pants underneath his bed. He still would continue to leave his dirty clothes everywhere.</p> <p>I don't know about your children, DS is the ultimate example of not listening on EVERYTHING and it gets extremely tiring and frustrating after a while. Everything is why. Say today we were in the car, and DS asked WHY do we have to do chores/work before play. We spend 30 minutes total (or more) today discussing and explaining WHY. DH and I are like broken records. We reiterate the concept in very creative ways every single time, it doesn't go into his brain (and mind you, we have been having this discussion for years). We extensively talked about that once we got home, we should finish reading bag before play. The 10 min discussion of WHY. He said OK. We got home. He said no I don't want to do it right now. It started allover again. It feels like getting stuck in an infinite loop. That was one small example. Imagine that for EVERYTHING. Literally everything (eg. Why we have to take a shower after swimming, why do we have to pee before bed.). If there were an incident, any incident, and he's offered choice A or B. Choice A is clearly the good choice. We'd explain why A is a better choice than B. He'd choose choice B. I am NOT making this up.</p> <p>Earlier today I sat outside of my house and cried. Sorry I am taking it personally. I don't know how not to.</p> <p>@pinkcupcake: Thank you dear.... I agree with adult guidance. And yes I have super high expectations and I should give him more credit. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883272 Sat, 04 May 2019 14:02:10 +0000 pinkcupcake 2883272@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Wow, I feel like your son already does a lot on his own. You seem to have very high expectations of him, which is great, but I think you should give him more credit and pat him on the back for how much he is able to do. </p> <p>I have a 7-yo girl who’s pretty mature and responsible. Idk, maybe im wrong, but I wouldn’t expect her to do all this on her own. I feel like at 7, they could still use some adult guidance when transitioning between tasks. </p> <p>And I wouldn’t stress about college acceptance at age 7, lol. You have a little time before you need to worry about that.</p> <p>Ps - I see your line about your husband and natural consequences (wake up late, late for school; no time for breakfast, hungry all AM). I think that’s a bit extreme for a 7-yo. I can understand if they’re dawdling or something, but if he doesn’t wake up to his alarm, for example, the parent should go in and wake them up and get them ready for school. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883255 Sat, 04 May 2019 09:23:19 +0000 ElbieKay 2883255@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I think you need to stop making this about you and your disappointments and focus on your son’s development. Sure you want to raise a responsible person but if he is 80% of the way there as a 7yo then he is doing pretty well. I find with my 5yo that if I push an agenda that he is not ready for, everything turns into a battle. I have to think about his perspective and priorities and frame things carefully.</p> <p>For instance he was getting really difficult about turning off the iPad so we took it away for two weeks. Last night he got it back for the first time, and we reminded him why he lost it. When it came time to turn it off, he complied immediately!</p> <p>I am a 42yo working mom of three, and I still have a hard time remembering special shirt days at school. The consequence of forgetting is really minor so who cares if he doesn’t do it? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883228 Fri, 03 May 2019 21:13:23 +0000 irene 2883228@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Thank you all--</p> <p>@Becky: Thank you for the ideas!</p> <p>@pinkb: Exactly!!! Thank you finally someone understands!! DS has been waking up with an alarm since when he was 3 or 4 and he just gets dressed himself. He loved it, that's how we roll and everyone is happy! That is pretty much the one consistent thing that we don't fight about in the morning. Sometimes he sets the alarm way early (like 5:30 or 6) if he has something in mind he wants to do, and we have to talk him out of it. Yes people looked at us in disbelief but seriously that was what's happening. And cute response you gave to your LO! I tried to be cute but I can only be cute for so many times before lava came out from my ears.</p> <p>@erinbaderin: @brownepiano: Sigh. My problem is I can't let go. And even if I did for those very few times, I just feel like he doesn't learn. Which makes it even harder for me to let go!</p> <p>@IRunForFun: I love your point on focusing on responding positively! Ahhh so hard for me. I always see the glass 3/4 empty. </p> <p>And honestly I am very confused.... some of you guys make it sound like I am the only one who takes my kid to baseball.... when there are tons of kids who does pretty much the same thing as we do and on top of that they do cub scouts. And then the moms told me it looks good in college applications and how I should do it. That I don't know how they wing it. We are doing one sports and one musical instrument. I thought it is pretty basic: You take care of the survival essentials (chores), keep up with school work, then you earn your privilege to baseball. How is that too much? What do you guys do with your kids if what we are doing is too much...? </p> <p>Anyhoo, thought I'd share this:</p> <p>I just had a talk with DH and it reminded me what my problem is. He said I like to hold DS' hands and do everything for him, and I do need to let go (like @erinbaderin: @brownepiano: said). This includes not bugging him or reminding him on nothing. DH is even more radical: If he doesn't get up in the morning, he is late for school. If he doesn't eat, he's hungry. DH truly can do that with no emotions. I can not.</p> <p>We have also talked about how we shouldn't introduce variables during the school week, so the making breakfast thing should be on the weekends, and not on Friday, which I am OK with that. DH said I need to guide, but not to do things for him- reminding him is a form of doing things for him.</p> <p>My problem is, I don't know how to let go (and let the natural consequence hit him)! It physically hurts me to see the house in a mess, or homework not getting done, something we've talked about for 2000 times was not done as they should. I am more OK when DH is here (as I can bite my tongue, walk away and explode in the cornfields when DH takes him to school), but I have a hard time when solo parenting, which happens a lot as DH travels. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883221 Fri, 03 May 2019 20:23:27 +0000 IRunForFun 2883221@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: To be fair, kids many decades ago, who were expected to help out on farms and raise siblings, were not also expected to go sit in a structured school environment for 7/8 hours per day and participate in multiple structured extracurricular activities per week. </p> <p>I think the chores (and the level of execution you're expecting for them) combined with school AND baseball AND piano is a LOT for a 7-year-old. It's one thing to have the suggested chore list, but another to nag and guilt if he doesn't follow it perfectly. For example, it sounds like this morning he did get his act together and make his own breakfast and clean up after himself, but he left his empty cup on the table. I'd view that as a success, really, I mean he did everything else and just forgot his cup. And it's no wonder he forgets small steps - he's got a lot to remember for early in the morning! How many of us hit snooze on our alarms once in a while and have to rush to get ready? How many of us, as adults, walk out the door and forget to do something small like turn off the coffee pot or put a dish into the dishwasher or put some important piece of paper into our bag? It's human and doesn't mean we aren't independent and responsible. </p> <p>It sounds like you have good opportunities for positive reinforcement when he completes tasks almost entirely but not quite to your high expectations. Maybe he'd react better to something like, "Hey you did a great job with your breakfast this morning, I'm so proud you're really getting the hang of it. Next we can practice getting all of our dishes off the table!" Rather than nagging him and telling him he did something wrong, which will just make him resentful. Maybe you could also scale back a little bit on his responsibilities so he feels less pressure and like he has more time. And definitely don't compare him to other people's kids. </p> <p>Personally I don't believe we should be expecting our kids to behave like miniature adults. Age appropriate chores and behavior? Absolutely. And we can model the behavior we'd like to see. But giving a kid more than he can reasonably handle seems like setting him up for failure and setting yourself up for frustration. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883182 Fri, 03 May 2019 14:32:00 +0000 brownepiano 2883182@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I agree with @erinbaderin if he likes being independent and is fighting the reminders, then I would just stop reminding him and let him bear the consequences. Then maybe after he forgets his shirt or whatever you could have a conversation about how he will remember next time- whether he wants your help, or a list or an Alexa reminder. Figuring out what you need (personally) to remember stuff is a good thing to learn early. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883177 Fri, 03 May 2019 14:15:41 +0000 pinkb 2883177@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It sounds like he likes the responsibility to an extent but since he is still young he is just getting side tracked and forgets. I can understand the un-needed frustration that comes up when you remind him and he gets annoyed or upset. DD is like this she gets so upset when I remind her. But I still do. I try to do it in a more joking way. Like “man I already got my whole bag packed and you haven’t yet? Geez lol. I must be faster”. It is much more well recieved. DD started wanting to have an alarm for school wake ups when she was 5, she loved it and still does, we just use her iPad. It really helps cause when I wake her up she complains and tried to go back to sleep and I have to keep going back in. It doesn’t make for a happy mom or happy daughter :). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883155 Fri, 03 May 2019 12:39:26 +0000 Becky 2883155@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I just re read this one. I wanted to add that my 3 y/o is better at many chore like things than my 5.5 y/o, and she learned how to make eggs first. Every kid is different. My 5.5 y/o is often really spacey and I work really hard (and still often fail) to adjust my expectations based on her personality and inherent traits. I agree that kids can do a lot when we let them and expect them to, but keep in mind that everyone—including adults—is different and youll get the most success figuring out what the best way of communicating with that person is vs. trying to make them conform to your experience or personal preferences. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883153 Fri, 03 May 2019 12:23:36 +0000 erinbaderin 2883153@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>How would you feel about not reminding him, and letting him experience some natural consequences? He doesn't make his own breakfast, he waits until lunch. He doesn't wear his yellow shirt, he stands out from his class. He doesn't do his reading homework, he gets in trouble at school. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883152 Fri, 03 May 2019 12:18:55 +0000 Becky 2883152@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We have a simple morning checklist for our 5.5 y/o, which we started at the beginning of the school year. She has to brush her teeth, eat breakfast (she usually gets her own cereal with milk), get dressed, put on socks (I have this separate since she forgets), brush her teeth, and wash her face. Recently I started asking her to pack her snack and it doesn’t seem to add too much stress. I have these printed out on half sheets which I keep in her bathroom. Usually she gets dressed and eats breakfast right away while watching a show. I usually have to remind her and I just say “When this is done it’s time to do your checklist.” Then she’s not allowed to do anything else until it’s done. That was a little hard to enforce in the beginning but by being consistent we’ve got a good routine in place. I like this because I can glance at the checklist and if there’s anything she hasn’t marked off I can remind her. </p> <p>It sounds like your struggle with him is that he doesn’t want to be reminded so maybe just setting firm ground rules saying that if he forgets to do something, he should expect you to gently remind him and he needs to take that reminder and not get upset about it. If he yells at you, there should be a consequence. So basically just consistency. </p> <p>Is it possible there are too many things he needs to do in the morning? His usual routine PLUS piano PLUS packing for a field trip PLUS homework sounds like a lot. Can homework be done at night?</p> <p>ETA I leave my water glasses all over the house. My husband says he feels like he’s living in the movie Signs. It’s a little thing, I wouldn’t get annoyed. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883140 Fri, 03 May 2019 11:04:31 +0000 irene 2883140@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@jape14: Thanks! I do agree that maybe all of them combined together may be a little overwhelming and I can look at that - but let me put this more clearly: on ALL Fridays on the Alexa alarm, there is a reminder that says something along the lines of today is Friday, and it is make your own breakfast day (so no, he doesn't have to keep track of what date is today and then remember that he needs to make breakfast)! He usually does it and it is fine. It is this morning he didn't wake up. I wanted to "wake" him with a reminder (my bad, I should have just knocked lol - and yes I laid out the yellow shirt the night before) which upsetted him. That distracted him from the normal Friday routine (because that breakfast reminder was a while back with the alarm), and he forgot about breakfast. Which led the whole morning to go wrong.... does that make sense..?</p> <p>And yes, DS has been applying his own sunscreen pretty often. 3 baseball practices/games a week and he does that on his own in the car when we drove to the park. I supervised and made sure he got all spots in the beginning but he can do it all on his own now (his problem is usually he got too much sunscreen!) He doesn't get sunburn and he knows what to do. </p> <p>I hate to use the following examples but the truth is, many decades ago people have kids so they help out in farms. And then I watched another documentary on people having a lot of children, and how they put older children in charge of younger and the older ones had to fix meals or make formula bottles for the younger ones. I hope I am not coming out wrong (as I am in no way advocating child labor lol) . What I am saying is, children are very capable if they are challenged correctly. I only have 1 child, I am not asking him to take care of anything else (we don't even have a pet!), only himself. I think the problem is me as I am not the most encouraging person in the world. I gotta cut down on the nagging, just that I wonder what can I do differently. That's all. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883137 Fri, 03 May 2019 10:50:35 +0000 irene 2883137@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@hitchhiker: Thanks, I will read on that, and YES DS sounds like you! Everything is: why. The other day we had our first sleepover. My friend (another kid's mom) asked him to use the restroom before bed. He asked, WHY. lol. My friend was like eh, that's the normal thing to do and everyone does it? </p> <p>@hitchhiker: @Anagram: I honestly don't think it is too much? It is the process of learning to become independent. Maybe it is the way I say it that is complicated : For a school day he just needs to get up, get dressed, eats breakfast, cleans up, brushes his teeth, packs his bag. If you work the whole sequence as a habit, it is not that much. He has been waking up with the alarm clock since a long time ago -- no one complained, he liked getting praises from everyone on how independent he is, and I am not fixing what's not broken. We connect at other times during the day.</p> <p>It was inspiring to visit my friend last weekend, our boys are the same age. After everyone was done with dinner, her DS got up and went on to take everyone's plates into the kitchen (!!!!) And also, my friend was telling me how her DS automatically puts the clean clothes away in the morning when a fresh load of laundry is done. She even said she read that kids at 7 can make scrambled egg (that I won't ask DS to do unsupervised, don't worry)! That morning she showed the boys how to make eggs (I don't actually know what happened as I wasn't there). I do believe you can get children to really help out and they can do it.... I think it is the way I go about it that isn't right.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/chores-amp-reminders-without-tears#post-2883132 Fri, 03 May 2019 10:26:03 +0000 jape14 2883132@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@irene: I think your expectations for what a 7-year-old can do are a bit too high. I think any one of these tasks may be appropriate, age-wise, but the combination of all of them feels excessive and is probably confusing to him.</p> <p>for example, I think doing his own breakfasts on Fridays only is probably confusing because he has to remember several things (which day is it, is it a day I make my own breakfast) vs. one (I make my own breakfast on school days). if that's an important skill to you that he should be learning, I'd probably start on a less harried day like a weekend, and then once he's had practice, transfer into a more complicated situation like a school day. or, consider having him set out the bowl, spoon, and cereal box on Thursday nights as a reminder to himself that it's his responsibility the next morning.</p> <p>I personally wouldn't trust a 7-year-old to put on their own sunscreen because I'd worry they would miss spots and get sunburned, so if it were me I'd remove that expectation. </p> <p>for clothes, I think laying them out the night before is the way to go. It seems like if y'all have busy mornings, some of these chores/tasks in general could be moved to evenings instead. </p> <p>overall, I think you can't expect a 7-year-old to intuit the strategies and processes for managing these things on their own. I think the purpose of chores is for kids to learn these strategies and responsibility -- the actual "chore" part is almost secondary if that makes sense. I don't think you need to micromanage, but maybe a conversation about "when I have to remember to do a lot of things in the morning, I find it helpful to set things out the night before" or whatever would help. </p>