https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Thu, 21 May 2026 12:17:44 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1224252 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 13:54:36 +0000 mrbee 1224252@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>This article talks about a lot of issues around coordinating joint custody:<br /> <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/25/fashion/joint-custody-from-a-distance.html?pagewanted=all" rel="nofollow">http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/25/fashion/joint-custody-from-a-distance.html?pagewanted=all</a></p> <p>It mentions a website you can use to coordinate custody arrangements... it sounds really interesting!<br /> <a href="http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/" rel="nofollow">http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1224235 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 13:50:16 +0000 Ms.SK 1224235@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm not sure if it is the advice you are looking for but I like to read the Ask Moxie website and she also has a site that she writes with her ex all about co-parenting. These are the links:</p> <p><a href="http://whentheflamesgoup.com/" rel="nofollow">http://whentheflamesgoup.com/</a><br /> <a href="http://www.askmoxie.org" rel="nofollow">http://www.askmoxie.org</a></p> <p>They may be able to help. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1224168 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 13:31:21 +0000 Silva 1224168@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have any first hand experience, but my best friend has been dealing with a difficult ex &amp; co-parenting issues. It came to a head when they were deciding where their daughter should start school. They never had a formal custody agreement through the court. In our state family court offers mediation sessions by trained mediators. They went through this process and it resolved almost all of their issues, as well as gave them the skills to negotiate future disputes. They ended up not having to go through a formal court process, which is what they wanted to avoid.<br /> I would strongly recommend finding out if your state offers similar services. If the state doesn't offer them, I bet that they could recommend a counselor in the area with training in mediation who might be able to help.</p> <p>I'm generally of the mind that structured meetings with a 3rd party who isn't emotionally involved are the best way to handle these kind of situations- even if it seems forced or over the top. Co-parenting sometimes needs to be approach as though it were a business, and people need to learn to leave their emotions to the side as much as possible. A good mediator would help you both come to agreements about things like social media use, visits, etc. And for your son's sake, it would be good to resolve these issues so he doesn't feel pressured to take sides, or pick up on the stress.</p> <p>It sounds really tough- good luck to you! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1224077 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 13:08:52 +0000 oscarthegoon 1224077@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@crisark: thanks for your perspective. your situations sounds so amazing. i really hope we get there someday. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223961 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 12:36:45 +0000 Crisark 1223961@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@oscarthegoon: I've been there. And man is it hard!</p> <p>I've been divorced 8 years next month.<br /> We went from texts/calls if one or the other was 1 min late with drop off, or deciding there was maybe a bruise or small mark or something and play the blame game, I wouldn't allow his then mistress/girlfriend now wife in the car with him if he was coming to get our daughter and so on.<br /> To now, having family dinners, all husbands/wives/kids, we just moved over the weekend and my Ex and his wife both came and helped, she's now my hair dresser , was in the delivery room when I delivered my youngest LO and one of my dearest friends.<br /> Odd? Sure. Awesome for our kids? Absolutely. </p> <p>My point in all of this is that after a number of years and lots of healing on both ends, things focused on the children. Which is what is important. </p> <p>You have to give it time. You have to accept that his feelings are valid to him. You don't have to agree. But, you have to accept them as his. You can't make him see your points. All you can do is focus on you and how you react and interact. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223802 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 11:48:21 +0000 looch 1223802@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is there a way you can block his messaging when he's not with your son? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223795 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 11:45:58 +0000 cmomma17 1223795@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@oscarthegoon: you're very welcome (((hugs)))</p> <p>I think you could take so much pressure off of yourself if you let some of this go. You need to let go of the person he used to be/the person you want him to be. That person no longer exists and that relationship is over. Focus on all the wonderful happy things in your life, your new marriage, your wonderful son, your new baby on the way! :)<br /> Don't give in to the negativity anymore. Text him once and say, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. When he continues to text you, text one more time and say "I do not want to discuss this with you." Then put the phone away! Don't look at his texts, don't answer his call. He will get the message eventually! </p> <p>I saw an episode of Oprah's Lifeclass last night about single moms. It was really powerful. Here's a link to a clip if you're interested: <a href="http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Iyanlas-Best-Advice-for-Single-Moms-Dealing-with-an-Ex-Video" rel="nofollow">http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Iyanlas-Best-Advice-for-Single-Moms-Dealing-with-an-Ex-Video</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223698 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 11:11:02 +0000 oscarthegoon 1223698@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@cmomma17, @mommamoose: you’re right. he doesn’t recognize my efforts anyway, so why bother? no matter how hard I try he always invents a reason to be angry, so why try so hard? I’m just trying to keep the peace, but it’s not working anyway.</p> <p>@cmomma17: I try not to text back, but he just keep sending them and if I don’t respond he will usually call me. I need to just cut him off. He turns every conversation into a big sob story about how bad he has it and how I have everything I want, and I need to just tell him I understand he’s angry with me, but it’s not productive to keep rehashing it. Our agreement only says he can have LO up to 3 days a week and designates holidays. My lawyer tells me I should make every effort to work things out with him and avoid the courts, because the courts may well order completely split 50/50 custody and my Ex says when he gets a regular office job (he recently got his B.S. and is looking for work) he anticipates having LO only every other weekend, which would be a good arrangement for me. He has talked about getting a job in another city or possibly moving to Canada to be with his girlfriend (we are in U.S.) and I just hope so fervently that happens, because he would see LO so much less and I would see him so much less. I have actually gotten better at not reacting to his guilt tripping, when we first split up he would make me cry every time we talked, but I still can’t seem to avoid letting him upset me sometimes. I am feeling so sick with this pregnancy already and it just pushes me over the edge to hear the person who was my best friend for 13 years telling me what a terrible person I am, even though I know it’s not true. Thank you for your good advice. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223688 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 11:05:25 +0000 StrawberryBee 1223688@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@mrbee: Thank you Mr. Bee! </p> <p>@oscarthegoon: I'm also looking at it from the 'other side'; I'm the stepparent as well. </p> <p>A lot of it sounds like flat-out bitterness. Your ex sees all the good happening in your life and is resentful of it, and lashing out as a result. I hope that he at least has enough sense to keep his negative remarks to just you, and not your son?</p> <p>I'm with @cmomma17 ; I think you need to stop responding to his sniping, as it's only feeding the flames and giving him something to push back against. You're no fun to argue with if you don't argue back. I know it's really hard (I have a friend going through that right now), but unless it's a civil conversation or something directly related to your son that requires a response, don't respond to his texts. No matter how ridiculous his messages get, or hurtful. Responding back to those kinds of messages just gives them (and him) power over you. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223649 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 10:49:00 +0000 cmomma17 1223649@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I came back because I couldn't stop thinking about your post, and feeling sad for you! :(</p> <p>What do you do when he sends you these angry texts? Do you text back? If you do, it sounds like you get pulled into his negativity. I'm sure a back and forth gets started and that's when you end up upset and feeling like you're defending yourself. If I were you I would just stop responding to the texts! Only answer if he asks a question you actually need to answer (like for the care of your child) like "what time am I picking LO up?" A short, unemotional response might be good too. "I'm sorry you feel that way." </p> <p>Is your custody schedule court ordered? If so, I'd tell him you need to stick to that and stop making so many changes for him. Just abide by the order. You are killing yourself trying to be accommodating and it's not appreciated, so I'd stop. </p> <p>You can't change him, you can only change the way you react to him. Don't let him take over your life with the negativity. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223622 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 10:39:43 +0000 mrbee 1223622@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@oscarthegoon: Thanks for posting! We just created a Co-Parenting board, for other parents dealing with separation or divorce:</p> <p><a href="http://boards.hellobee.com/board/co-parenting" rel="nofollow">http://boards.hellobee.com/board/co-parenting</a> </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223593 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 10:32:56 +0000 MamaMoose 1223593@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I haven't been there but I agree with the advice that maybe you should stop bending over backwards to accomodate him. It's not getting you anywhere anyways and it's adding additional stress to you. The only other thing I can suggest is to just try to reinforce over and over again how important it is for the two of you to have a healthy and civil relationship for your son's sake. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223548 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 10:18:40 +0000 cmomma17 1223548@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Just wanted to offer you some (((hugs)))<br /> I'm not divorced but my DH is, so I am the stepparent I. The situation. I wish I had great advice for you. :( I know it's tough. I almost want to advise you to stop bending over backwards for your ex! It sounds like he is miserable and he will be no matter what. Definitely don't hide your DH! My DH never hid me, that would have made me feel awful.</p> <p>Hope you can find a solution soon! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223543 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 10:17:15 +0000 MsLipGloss 1223543@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that that sounds incredibly difficult (maddening!) . . . I can't even imagine how you deal with it all. BIG ((hugs))! </p> <p>I am pretty sure that there are more divorced/separated parents on HB! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/co-parenting-after-divorce#post-1223521 Mon, 18 Nov 2013 10:10:36 +0000 oscarthegoon 1223521@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Is anyone else struggling with this? It feels like my ex blames me for every single thing he is upset about in life. I swear if he stepped in dog crap that would be my fault too. It feels like sour grapes because I moved on so quickly (I married my high school boyfriend a year after our divorce was final and am now expecting a second child. I never expected that to happen; it was simply good fortune). I did everything I could to make the divorce as easy as possible on him. I have the better job and he was in school, so I let him keep all the assets, I have been very flexible and have accommodated his constant requests to change our custody schedule, my new husband stays almost completely out of sight, etc. It’s gotten so bad that I didn’t even tell him daycare increased their rates because I knew it would just start a fight (he is unhappy with our daycare, which I picked) so I am just paying the extra myself. I didn’t ask him for any money for our son’s winter coat, boots, Halloween costume because I know he is between jobs right now, though I am not well off myself. None of it matters. He doesn’t recognize my efforts to be supportive and friendly and always finds SOMETHING to be angry with me about. Last night our son was talking to him about his new baby brother and I got angry texts about that. Whenever our son gets a cold I get angry texts about the daycare I picked and how it is not a healthy place for him because he just gets sick all the time. Last week he was angry I let our son post a wedding picture of me and him and his stepfather on the families board, he said that was classless. I said that is just reality. Our son has a stepfather now. He is more than welcome to post a picture of him and our son and his girlfriend on the families board. That is part of our son’s family too. Our son sleeps at his house 2 to 3 nights a week but he thinks I have no idea what it’s like to miss your child and suffer from not being with him. Seriously? I try to reason with him and have open and honest conversations with him and work things out and I just end up getting beaten up about all the careless and selfish things I do and how I’m lucky that he’s so easy to deal with (????) and I end defending myself and ultimately end up in tears. It’s like trying to argue with someone that the sky is blue and they insist that it’s green. I kept thinking that in time he would move on and stop being angry with me, but he has always identified as such a victim and the divorce was final a year and a half ago. I feel so depressed because I finally realized that he may just be like this forever and I want so much to have a peaceful and respectful, if not friendly, relationship with him for the sake of our son. I am going to end up with an ulcer from all this stress and it feels like there is nothing I can do about it.</p> <p>I couldn’t find an appropriate board to post this on. I can’t be the only divorced bee…. </p>