https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Fri, 15 May 2026 12:19:36 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653835 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 16:56:45 +0000 youboots 2653835@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>It's complicated.</p> <p>In your case I would just let it go since it sounds like DH handled it- in the future you could all be on the phone together. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653827 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 16:47:51 +0000 nana87 2653827@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>thank you all! I'm running to catch a flight (I should have waited to write this at a time when I could respond more, sorry!) so I'm not going to be able to respond individually now, but I'm glad I'm not alone in in-law drama even though I'm sorry you're experiencing it too! :heart: </p> <p>@Bernieboo: oh gosh, it's definitely been dh's tendency to just ignore the problem! especially since they get so defensive. it's just easier for him to ignore it than stick up for himself/me, but that also then makes me feel like my feelings aren't as important to him as theirs. like, I know it's that I am more reasonable and won't lash out, but it's not fair. On what you said about venting to other people--this was actually a problem for us (me and dh) because if I talk too much about his family, or too negatively, it makes him feel bad. Dh is very conflict-avoidant and one of the times he was most mad at me during our relationship is when I said something negative about his mother in front of a big group of my family members...So I actually try not to vent too much, though he knows my parents know about the drama (he had a huge fight with his sister over text while at dinner with my family, sooooo of course they know...)</p> <p>@Adira: haha at "bitterness is brimming right under the surface" because this is exactly how I think I'm going to feel in December when we next see mil!</p> <p>@erinbaderin: I've thought of doing that before, but haven't because it'll be time consuming. And I'm an academic, so every time I start to write anything lengthy I feel guilty that I'm writing that and not my dissertation ;) But I should, because it popping up time and time again and me thinking about it is also time consuming! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653769 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 14:59:34 +0000 skipra 2653769@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: This is totally not helpful but I could have written this post - down to the not speaking to SIL. I have no suggestions as nothing we've tried has actually worked. Sorry. At least know you are not alone with these frustrating relationships. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653765 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 14:56:15 +0000 MrsRoo 2653765@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We do a combination. For general family issues we each deal directly with our own families. But if theres an issue that pops up specifically between one of us and an in law, we have close enough relationships (thankfully) to hash it out on our own.<br /> I had to learn that the hard way though. DH is the baby of his family and it's extremely obvious and irritating that they all treat him as such. It used to really get under my skin for him (and for me, since I saw them babying him as a reflection of how capable they believe I am to take care of their son and grand daughters) but I eventually let DH deal with it his self and it's made my life much less stressful for the most part.<br /> I also have a hard time with staying annoyed about in law issues once DH has resolved them to his satisfaction, but I bitch about it to my sister and DH and then move on. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653754 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 14:44:04 +0000 erinbaderin 2653754@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Do you think it might feel better if you typed out an email rehashing the whole thing and then didn't send it? It might get it out of your head. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653748 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 14:37:49 +0000 Adira 2653748@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have no advice. We don't really have many issues with my family and when we do, they are usually resolved pretty quickly with apologies. I butt-heads with my in-laws though, and that just doesn't get resolved. We all just ignore it, don't see each other, don't speak, until enough time has passed that we can pretend we're not still mad and then we visit and smile and fake it, all the while the bitterness is brimming right under the surface. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653747 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 14:35:42 +0000 Bernieboo 2653747@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I have a terrible relationship with my MIL and SIL. We've all done things to make it worse, but the gist is that they are both manipulative and immature and I don't think they treat DH (or me for that matter, but that's a different issue) kindly or well. We've come to the arrangement that DH gets to handle them and hash out stuff with them. I've had to accept that sometimes his way of dealing with it is to just ignore the problem. He's had to accept that one of the ways I deal is by talking things out repeatedly (we ended up agreeing that I could discuss the issues with my mom and best friend when I just need to rant so that we could each deal in our own way without upsetting the other). In the moment, I sometimes still say something about what's bothering me (like if she says something rude, which is pretty frequently). But I've also noticed that she responds better to DH talking to her (he's also calm when he talks to them and I tend to get upset and snarky). I can't say this really resolves things... We're still trying to resolve their behavior at our wedding almost two years ago. But I think that's more to do with the fact that his family avoids conflict at all costs and consistently disregards our feelings.</p> <p>That said, I think getting permission to talk to a select few people really helped us. This way, I can still rant and get all my feelings out, but DH doesn't feel like he has to deal with all that, or try to make me feel better, or defend his family to me. Living far away also helps! Lol</p> <p>Good luck! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653724 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 14:17:22 +0000 bubblegum 2653724@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@nana87: A few years ago, in laws and us had a HUGE issue and DH was awful with communication and anytime I address the problem it fell on deaf ears and nothing got resolved. As time went on, I learned that no two people like to resolve issues the same. Where I like to be direct, they liked wait until their anger was gone and then sweep it under the rug. </p> <p>I had to let it go. I let DH take the reins and told him if he wants to uphold a relationship, I would follow his lead. Eventually and thankfully things got a LOT better, but on one drunken night, when everyone was no longer angry about the situation, I told them my feelings just to get it out. </p> <p>I think sometimes it's easier to get angry and hang on to it when the family member isn't yours directly. At least for me it was. DH was able to get over everything quickly because they are his parents and he loves them no matter what, whereas I had to grow to love them and accept them for who they are.</p> <p>Best of luck to you. I know how difficult in law issues can be. Hang in there. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653712 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 14:06:00 +0000 Ajsmommy 2653712@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>We each deal with our own sides of the family. Although I don't feel that's necessary. DH refuses to address anything with my mom.. he ALWAYS makes me do it and honestly it's annoying. I've told him to say something on certain occasions, ie: I'm already at work and he's still at home w my mom and my mom is doing something he doesn't like w DD. He'll text me instead of saying something to her. I guess I feel like if you are the one that has the issue then you address it. If I had an issue with his mom I think I'd be ok to address it.<br /> In your situation since you have the same issue and DH has already addressed it I think you should let it go. Unless it happens again, then I'd say you could bring it up. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/conflict-with-in-laws-who-communicates#post-2653694 Thu, 17 Nov 2016 13:34:51 +0000 nana87 2653694@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Hey bees! </p> <p>We've been having some on-going conflicts with mil and sil, and in general, I'm of the mind that dh manages the relationships with his family. He's gotten way better at communicating with his mother (not his sister, since she refuses; we just aren't speaking to her now but that's a different issue, sort of). Like, he had a big talk with mil not long ago about issues that have bothered us for awhile. But the thing is, I'm still annoyed about it. I haven't talked it out with her, even though he has. It would be redundant for me to have the exact same conversation with her, and really it's that I'm annoyed on dh's behalf (the issue is really her taking advantage of him and then not reciprocating when we asked for help)...But it's still nagging at me. We don't live in the same place, so it's not like we even see her often or have the opportunity to talk to her together (they had their big talk while I was busy taking care of lo...). I think I just need to let it go since it's about dh's relationship with her more than mine, and trust that dh has my back as a united front.</p> <p>I'm curious, though, how do you all manage family conflict? Does one person hash it out and then everyone moves on, or is that unrealistic? </p>