https://boards.hellobee.com/ Pregnancy, Baby and Parenting blog, by Hellobee en Wed, 06 May 2026 21:57:40 +0000 https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905394 Wed, 11 Dec 2019 11:50:43 +0000 Silva 2905394@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: be on the look out for relational aggression- sometimes kids can get pressured into trading stuff “or else I won’t be your friend” which is a type of bullying that she may need help addressing. Not saying that’s definitely what’s going on but we’ve had similar problems and it’s more connected to my kid trying to navigate challenging friendships rather than her being careless or sneaky </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905386 Wed, 11 Dec 2019 11:08:19 +0000 Anagram 2905386@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Update:</p> <p>We ended up having a long chat again last night. We decided the camera is going away for a while. We've made it clear that my jewelry can't be played with any more, and now she can't take any toys to school at all, of any kind, until she rebuilds our trust. Since she can't take special stuff to school in her bag for now, that includes ice cream money (we used to allow her to take $1 once a week to school to buy an ice cream at lunch, and that's out until she believe we can trust her with important things). DH also made her write a letter of apology.</p> <p>There were a lot of tears, but we'll see if this makes it sink in a little. </p> <p>In the meantime, I think I'm going to try to schedule a playdate with the other little girl, just so I can get on friendly terms with the parents. I have several other parents-of-my-kids'-friends that I would have no problem shooting out a text to, because I know them pretty well, but since I don't know this friend's parents, it makes it a little more awkward to reach out. At least once we know each other, we might be able to approach this on both sides (the no sharing anymore thing). </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905340 Wed, 11 Dec 2019 06:03:37 +0000 charm55 2905340@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>My dd is 6 and has done the trading/lending toys thing too ... I’ve had a few conversations about it with her. It’s frustrating but as my Dh pointed out, she has this whole new life in school now that we aren’t part of. For the first 5 years of her life we were there helping her navigate her friendships, think about her decisions... now she’s on her own. So I do try and cut her a bit of slack for that. </p> <p>I would definitely do a bag check each morning and say she has lost the privilege of bringing any toys to school for a bit. </p> <p>I would also probably take away the TV. We took away my DDs iPad time for a week once when she was rude to my mom. She doesn’t spend a lot of time on it, but my mom takes her after school 3x a week and she does use my moms iPad then. It was very effective and she still talks about her “consequence” a year later. Funny story... at the end of the week, my mom got a “screen time report” from Apple ... “Congratulations! Your screen time is down 83% this week!” 😂😂 </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905329 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 23:43:43 +0000 ALV91711 2905329@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Everything @MrsSRS: said. </p> <p>DS is 6 and we’ve taken away tv time for a punishment. I would bag check and not allow toys to be taken to school. I would do each for a set amount of time. </p> <p>Also, I’d definitely send out an email. If I got something like that making me aware of what’s going on I’d appreciate it. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905317 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 22:45:12 +0000 wrkbrk 2905317@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: What about making her show you the contents of her backpack each morning before school? If she can’t be responsible and/or tell the truth, mom and dad need to inspect her belongings. She can earn back the privilege of “privacy” at some point in the future when she has two dozen “clean” checks or whatever. This would drive my son nuts so I thought it might be effective! </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905294 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 15:39:22 +0000 Mrs. Carrot 2905294@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@MrsSRS: I agree with this 100%. Punishment today, bag checks going forward and no stuff for a while (set a time frame so that she knows when it expires), and then limits on what she can bring after that. I would make this a list because first graders are still very literal and this gives her limits. And I would tell her that if she sneaks something that's not on the list, she will have to pay you $10 for it out of her piggy bank. And center your conversations on value more than what belongs to whom since you have a fuzzy rule on sharing things. My first grader was way more upset about breaking an old Christmas ornament that I told her repeatedly was very important and not to play with it than she ever would be about losing money from a piggy bank. Money is a good rule to follow but play up value and people's feelings (ie, you hurt dad's feelings by giving away that watch, you hurt my feelings by taking my bracelet to give away, etc.) more to hopefully help that sink in and it helps practice empathy too. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905293 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 15:37:36 +0000 ElbieKay 2905293@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>See I would not do the bag check. I want to be able to trust my kid.</p> <p>I would probably warn him up front that next time he does xxx then no yyy. And follow through. And pick something that will matter.</p> <p>I mean, she is blatantly disregarding all of your rules, and you have given her multiple chances to correct.</p> <p>I would be worried that she would not take me seriously when it comes to higher stakes issues later if this is how she is regarding my instruction now.</p> <p>And I am usually a reasonably indulgent parent but at some point you need to have a limit / boundary. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905289 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 15:26:00 +0000 Mama Bird 2905289@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>What is it with girls and gifts??? I've never really had this with DS, but having a similar issue with DD1 in pre-K. She started taking gifts for a couple of girls a couple of months ago. She started with toys that we'd set aside to get rid of, which was fine because less junk in the house. But when she ran out of those, she wanted to take her biggest doll as a gift, because she doesn't play with it anyway. That's where I drew the line because one, the exchange was completely one-sided and was starting to sound like she's buying this girl's friendship. And two, the doll wasn't hers to give away - her sister may want it when she gets older. </p> <p>At least I was aware of her plans, she hasn't tried to take things without asking, so it was relatively easy to have a discussion with her about her not owing this girl anything, and how I'd like to see her get presents too before the gift giving continues on her end. At this point she came home with the other girl's empty lunch Ziploc, with crumbs still inside, which she was told is a Very Useful Gift :silly: </p> <p>I feel like things have gone way further in your case though, and I'd talk to the other girl's parents and ask for their help in getting this to stop. Maybe I'd try to talk to them on the phone, because it's hard to judge tone in email and text! I'm pretty sure your DD would not be taking all of this to school without the other girl encouraging her, though, so it would really help to loop in her parents. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905274 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 14:20:49 +0000 Foodnerd81 2905274@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I’m chiming in to say I wouldn’t be offended by a nicely worded email. You’d be placing whatever blame there is on your daughter, not the other kid, and I would want to know as a mom. </p> <p>And I would definitely be doing a bag and pocket check every day, especially after she tried to sneak your bracelet. I would also take away the privilege of using/ playing with your jewelry since she showed she cannot be trusted. </p> <p>I know I would feel like I needed a bigger consequence too- I’d probably take away the tv show. I know it’s not a natural related consequence but it would upset my kid a lot and I think that would help it sink in. But I’m admittedly a fail “positive parent”. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905271 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 14:07:34 +0000 MrsSRS 2905271@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>I would have her lose the TV show this afternoon<br /> "The camera is a privilege and you tried to lie to us and sneak it in. You know that is not ok so today instead of having your show you will spend the time writing an I am sorry note."</p> <p>Then I would babystep her into the responsibility. So first: "you are not listening to our rules about toys at school so you will not be allowed to take anything to school until next month"<br /> Then frisk and bag check every morning. "When we can trust you and you aren't being sneaky then you will have back the privilege of taking toys to school."<br /> Anything she tries to sneak to school is gone for the month. Put it up high in a clear bin that's easily visible.</p> <p>Then, when she regains the privilege only allow a certain subset of toys, like hatchimals and small eraser figurines only, or whatever. "You may take toys X or toys Y to school. We will still be checking your bag. Our family rule is no trading and I will be telling your teacher this. If your friends ask to trade you have to tell them my mommy said no. I know it can be hard to say no to a friend but you can do it!"</p> <p>And heap on the praise when she is trustworthy. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905243 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 12:02:46 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2905243@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905240 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:53:45 +0000 graceandjoy 2905240@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I feel like you're doing a good job already; maybe at her age, they simple need more time for a life-long concept to "sink in"? </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905236 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:49:15 +0000 JennyPenny 2905236@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I think taking away the privilege of bringing anything special to school makes sense. And doing the backpack check to make sure nothing is going. If something is going to school that shouldn't be, maybe she loses access to it (or an appropriate item) for a period of time. Like no access to your jewelry, or no access to the collection of the LOL dolls?</p> <p>Also, I don't think I'd be offended at all if a parent asked me to check for missing items. Especially if the tone placed no blame on my child. Like if it said "my kiddo has been gifting things that aren't hers to gift - could you take a look to see if your kid has been a lucky recipient?" I wouldn't think a thing of it.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905234 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:44:22 +0000 Anagram 2905234@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Mrs. Sketchbook: I won't know till I get home from work today to talk to her more in depth, but it doesn't seem to be one thing--the LOL doll, for instance....the girls store all their toys together, and play with them together, so she probably didn't think of it as "not hers" when she traded it. And the watch was hers, but not hers to give away--we got it for her for a reason, so she could learn to tell time. The camera likewise is hers, as in, we told her we aren't using it anymore and it's hers to use at home or on vacations--but we've also told her you have to use it properly, and even though it's hers, it's not hers to give away, if that makes sense?</p> <p>The bracelet is just totally, 100% not hers and she had no business touching it. Unfortunately, I've *maybe* sent conflicting messages in that I let the girls take out my jewelry at home and wear it/play with it whenever--it's easily reachable by them and I've never minded when they are playing at home and just use it as part of dress up. I've also let them play with my makeup and stuff. </p> <p>But somehow she's not realizing that there's a difference between us allowing something for her/her sister at home,. but NOT allowing her to take it and give it away at school. And we've had multiple conversations now recently, and it just isn't sinking in. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905231 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:26:35 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2905231@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905229 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:23:34 +0000 josina 2905229@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: I think if you phrased it right it'd be okay? I mean, we've gotten a call before from a mom whose daughter was upset because she gave DSD a bday gift, and DSD said 'thats okay, you keep it' because she already had one. She was around 8.<br /> Letting us know, meant we could teach her the appropriate response to getting a gift.<br /> But your local friends might know better for your area?!</p> <p>Maybe a good consequence would be taking away some of her toys and donating them. Like, if you're okay with bringing these things to school and losing them, then you should be okay with giving some of your toys away to those who don't have as much as you do. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905228 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:23:21 +0000 Mrs. Sketchbook 2905228@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <br /><p><i>This comment has been deleted by the original poster.</i></p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905226 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:22:24 +0000 Mrs. Pajamas 2905226@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with previous posters to do bag check and talk up trust a bunch. My oldest DD is only 5 (not yet kindy) but talking about trust with stuff like staying in bed and not taking treats, etc. has been really effective plus such an important life lesson. We are pretty big on not doling out negative consequences and instead talk to our kid about good vs. bad choices and then heavily reward/praise good behavior. It has been very effective. For example, time outs NEVER worked. But sticker charts, etc. are great.<br /> I also highly concur with the idea to talk to other parents to get the other side of the story and make sure they are on board and talking to their kids about not trading. Our oldest DD was doing this in preschool and it escalated to clothes trading (spill over from playdates when she would borrow clothes and lend them out) and we had to stop it. I reached out to the other mom so we are giving the girls the same message.<br /> I imagine those 2 strategies will be very effective. I guess you could also now allow her in your room or to use things of yours/DH's that you normally would if you want another form of punishment. The camera situation was really scary I bet!<br /> Keep us posted.. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905225 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:20:56 +0000 graceandjoy 2905225@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@Anagram: That's a tough one, but I would be besides myself if DD came home with something obviously of value of another kid and would be desperately trying to find the other parent to return it! I def wouldn't appreciate it if the tone is accusatory to my child, but as long as it's not! Maybe you can just say "I am sending this out to several of you as I am not sure who DD gave it to..." </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905224 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:15:08 +0000 Anagram 2905224@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@josina: I thought about sending that type of email before, but all my mom friends here said don't do it! Do you think it would be received the way we intend it? Like you, I would want to know and would appreciate a heads-up, but all my friends said don't sent it, just deal with DD. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905222 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:12:29 +0000 Anagram 2905222@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>@graceandjoy: Bag check is a great idea. I'm thinking DH is going to think we're going too easy on her. It's funny, normally I'm the strict one and he's the lax one, but this issue has him really fired up because he grew up in a developing country and was really taught to value/treasure the toys/items you own. </p> <p>I think the root issue is we both want her to understand the money value of things---sometimes I worry that because our kids are growing up in a relatively upper middle class household and get all of their needs and most of their wants, that she isn't understanding the value of the things we give her. It would be logical to just let her lose things and then not replace them and she has to live without them---BUT we're not going to allow her to take/lose OUR things.=, or expensive things.</p> <p>I think the bag check is a great first step. I feel like there needs to be more?</p> <p>What are our thoughts on taking some money from her (she has a little, not much.....about $40) left from tooth fairy/birthdays, etc) to replace things if she loses it again? Although both the camera and the bracelet are worth more than that. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905217 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:08:48 +0000 josina 2905217@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Agree with @graceandjoy:, I would tell her that she has shown that you can't trust her at following your rules, so she will not be allowed to bring anything, and you will be checking her backpack each morning to make sure. If she begins to show again that she can be trusted, you will stop checking.</p> <p>And I totally would've let the other girls' parents know what's going on, if my child were taking someone's things, I would want to know. Maybe you can just let them know that their DD has been trading things with your daughter, and you've told her she no longer can, so if anything would show up, to please let you know and you'll do the same. </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905214 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:01:58 +0000 graceandjoy 2905214@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Oh man! My oldest is only in K so def not an expert at this but if I were in your shoes I think the first thing I'd implement is just jacket/backpack checks every morning before leaving for school if she cannot be trusted for now not to sneak things to school. So that means no regular toys either. So then if/when she gets bored and wants to bring things again, maybe I'd allow her to start bringing one thing again (with the bag check still), until I don't know when... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905213 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 11:01:24 +0000 Ajsmommy 2905213@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Don't really have advice that you're looking for but just wanted to state that DD, who is in K, has done this trading toy stuff too!! And one day she was just freely giving some of her toys away. Oy... I'm not sure where the idea came from??? But I never did that.... </p> https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/consequences-when-logical-consequences-arent-working#post-2905209 Tue, 10 Dec 2019 10:50:10 +0000 Anagram 2905209@https://boards.hellobee.com/ <p>Our oldest DD (1st grade) has been doing something lately, and we've talked and lectured a lot. And she's not really "getting" the seriousness.</p> <p>Here's the situation: At the beginning of the year, she took some random small toys to school. They have a rule that kids are allowed to bring toys and keep them in their backpack and take them out at recess (especially for indoor recess days when there is bad weather). Well, of course she lost a few of these toys and I feel like that's a good enough logical consequence. Then she started "trading" toys with friends and we had to have several talks/lectures about that because sometimes they were trading inappropriate things--for example, once my 6 year old took and LOL doll that is actually her 4 year old sisters, and "traded it" with one of her school BFFs for a "special wrap bracelet" that was actually a detached purse strap. Like picture the clasps at each end and a faux leather purse strap--her friend convinced her she was supposed to wrap it several times around her wrist and join the 2 clasps together as a bracelet. We made our DD return the purse strap (because it obviously goes to some bag at the other girls' house, could be her moms bag or whatever) and ask for the LOL back because it wasn't hers to trade. Well, she never got the LOL back. We made her give DD2 one of her LOL dolls. We also said no more trading.</p> <p>However, then DH bought DD a watch (not expensive, provably less than $30) to help her learn to tell time. She's in 1st grade and we discovered she's still weak on telling time on an analog clock, so DH bought her a learning analog watch that has a button where she can press it to tell the time, but she can practice reading the time and compare it to what the voice tells her.</p> <p>Anyway, we told her not to ever wear it to school.....but she sneaked it on one day when it was still brand new, and she let that same friend "borrow it". My husband was pretty livid at DD, who was teary and said her BFF always says if she's REALLY her friend, she'll let her borrow things she wants, or sometimes she'll just try to take things from DD directly.</p> <p>Now, I'm well aware I'm only hearing one side of the story. For all I know, DD is freely offering these things to her friend. I'm not there, all of this happens at recess (ie, the teacher won't know either). We told DD not to take it to school, so either way, we felt she was in the wrong. DH wanted to nicely email the parent of the girl and ask if the parents could check the backpack and send it back (not accusing, just saying our DD lent it to her and it's new so we'd like it back), but I asked my IRL mom friends and they all said they would be kind of offended and would assume we were accusing the girl of taking something if we emailed, so I convinced DH to drop it. Well....the girl kept the watch for 3 weeks and we wrote the watch off as totally gone, and then it finally showed back up. DD's story in all of this continued to be that she was asking her friend daily to bring it back to school, but the friend was saying things like "If you keep asking, I won't bring it". Again, who knows what the truth was. Bottom line, DD took something to school that we asked her not to take, and then one way or another, she lost it. (even though it eventually turned back up).</p> <p>Okay, so we've had probably a dozen conversations, lectures, etc about taking items to school that are important--basically, do not take the items at all; only take items that are yours only, and that you don't mind losing. In the same time frame, DD took many other random things (like themed pencils, erasors, plastic junk from party goody bags, etc) and much of it ended up with this same friend, and I shrugged it all off and kept reiterating the lesson, "expect anything you take to school to end up gone/lost".</p> <p>That brings us to now: Yesterday I pick up DD a little early from aftercare and she's wearing a SPECIAL BRACELET of mine that I keep in a small jewelry box in my closet. She was holding her hand behind her back in an awkward/obvious way so I asked what she was doing and she showed me the bracelet. I gave her a BIG and LONG lecture about not taking things that aren't hers.</p> <p>Clearly, none of that sunk in because JUST THIS MORNING, DH texts me just as I arrive at work and said he saw DD sort of sneaking to her backpack in the morning, so he checked her backpack--and she's got our point-and-shoot camera in there! Now, this is an old point-and-shoot, and we gave it to her to use at home, but it's a working zoom canon camera, and we make sure she uses it correctly, stores it in the camera bag, she can't use it without us, etc. And she was about to take it to school secretly!!!!!</p> <p>So now my husband wants to go full-on with some consequences this afternoon when we're all home. Because clearly the talks and the few logical consequences aren't working. But all of his ideas (taking away the 1 TV show a day she's allowed to watch, not letting her go to her girl scouts meetings for a while, or not giving her the christmas present she wants the most because she can't respect what she already has) seems off to me. I read so much gentle parenting stuff that says unrelated consequences don't stick/sink in--so I'm definitely not on board with the girl scouts or the christmas thing, and the No-tv option would certainly make an impression on DD (because she loves picking a show each day), but it's not a related consequence. Talking and lecturing isn't working.</p> <p>So what's an appropriate consequence for this behavior and how to nip it? </p>